Why your man won’t see a relationship therapist
Kathleen Maiman • March 21, 2014
Why your man won’t see a relationship therapist or attend a Couples Weekend and how you can have him join you!
Even with close friends, men will keep sadness, disappointments and other internal conflicts to themselves. With their profound fear of appearing weak, most men are invested in preserving their manhood and protecting their vulnerability. They are hardwired and cultured to emphasize successful performance and de-emphasize reliance on others. From an evolutionary perspective, their purpose is to procure and protect, not tend and befriend.
Men experience shame more than women do. It originates from family or peer experiences. As a small boy, if he experienced shame, he will do anything to avoid re-experiencing it. A shamed boy becomes a hypersensitive man, always tuned to the possibility of humiliation. He may react to slights and become hyper-vigilant in warding them off. Instead of seeking affection, he will project blame and rejection. Small signs of withdrawal of affection will trigger old wounds causing him to react. Beneath, the surface, dark feelings of inadequacy, unlovability are lurking inside. You, his partner, are the closest to him and can easily re-ignite those old wounds.
When starting the conversation about couples’ counseling or attending a Couples Weekend, begin by talking about yourself. He will feel less attacked, less defensive and more apt to hear you. Tell him you’ve been contemplating therapy and/or the weekend because you want to take steps to be a better partner.
Invite him to go see someone on a ‘no obligation’ basis to test the waters. He might be surprised at how liberating and positive he feels. If the therapist is the right fit, it’s likely that he will feel reassured and some of his objections will fade.
Stay positive in your approach. If you can look at the anticipated outcome instead of focusing on the current negativity, the conversation will usually be smoother.
When it comes to asking him to join you in this process, avoid using ultimatums. It can raise doubt and hopelessness “if she is going to leave anyway, what’s the point?” Or he may react to the control you are exerting and rebel against you. Be clear that your intention is to create a mutually satisfying relationship.
Include your mate in the selection process. For example, do the research together on the web. This will help him to feel like he is part of the decision making process.
Finally, when all else fails, honour his resistance. Appeal to his love and ask him to trust your judgment that this endeavour that will improve your connection.
Register for our Newsletter and receive a Free Love Chat Package
This Package Includes
- The 5 Steps to a Better Relationship
- Ongoing Monthly Relationship Tips
- If you want more love in your life, our relationship Love Chat Package is an easy cost-free first step.
Here is the hard truth: talking about the problem is not the same as changing the pattern. In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), we recognize that insight is cheap; change is what matters.
In Relational Life Therapy , growth is not treated as a finish line. Relationships are living systems, which means they are always changing, always asking for attention, and always inviting us to learn something new about ourselves and each other. The idea that a couple can “arrive” at a permanently easy, conflict-free place is one of the most common myths about love. In reality, healthy relationships are not built on perfection; they are built on ongoing awareness, accountability, and repair. RLT emphasizes directness, personal responsibility, and lasting change rather than the fantasy of getting everything right once and for all. A relationship is not a problem to solve and then file away. It is a practice, and like any meaningful practice, it deepens over time. Partners will keep meeting new versions of each other as life changes, stress rises and falls, and old patterns get triggered in fresh ways. That is why RLT focuses on identifying repeating “dances” between partners, such as pursuing and distancing, criticizing and defending, or over-functioning and under-functioning. These patterns do not disappear because a couple has been together for a long time; they simply become more visible when life places pressure on the bond.
Healthy communication is the foundation of every lasting relationship. Yet many couples find themselves feeling misunderstood or stuck in recurring arguments, not because they lack love, but because they haven’t learned the “rules of engagement” that make conversations effective. At my couples therapy practice in Calgary, I often describe communication as a shared journey: much like driving a car together. When both partners understand the “rules of the road,” they navigate challenges with greater ease, awareness, and respect.
There are many highlights with the 2026 Olympics in Milan this winter. One of my favourites is the Ice Dancing Pairs. Watching them pursue the Olympic gold as a couple is breathtaking to watch. They are two people gliding across the ice as if they share one heartbeat. Every lift, every turn, every daring leap relies on
Every February, couples across the world brace themselves for Valentine's Day, sometimes with excitement, sometimes with dread. While the day can invite sweetness and connection, it can also stir up pressure, disappointment, or quiet resentment. As a couple’s therapist, I often see Valentine’s Day magnify whatever is already humming beneath the surface of a relationship: intimacy, disconnection, hope, or longing.
Ever walk away from a talk feeling more alone? Discover the 3 silent conversation killers—and the simple, heart-centered shifts that turn "fixing" into "feeling."
Every couple has a core conflict dynamic, a recurring emotional negative dance that shapes how fights unfold, no matter the trigger. It's not about who’s factually correct; it’s about the unmet needs humming beneath the words.
The holidays can bring out the best and the worst in us. Between travel plans, family expectations, and endless to-do lists, even deeply connected couples and individuals can feel stretched thin. While this season promises joy and closeness, it also tests patience, communication, and self-care. Taking it easy—both with yourself and your partner and loved ones —can make all the difference.
Money fights aren’t about dollars—they’re about emotions. Learn how couples can turn financial tension into deeper trust and partnership.
Instead of trying to "fix" your partner or stop fights, shift your focus to growth. Learn how a growth mindset deepens intimacy, builds empathy, and creates lasting change.
