Ten Myths to Debunk and Some Truths about Happy Couples

Myth 1: Relationships should be easy and effortless. 

Contrary to popular belief, all strong relationships require effort, nurturing and attention. The idea that a relationship should be easy is a misconception often fueled by an idealized portrayal of relationships. 

Myth 2: Conflict is a sign you are in a bad relationship and will destroy a relationship. 

Conflict is inevitable in all relationships, even when you are with the right partner. Disagreements are normal and can strengthen a relationship if handled respectfully and constructively. Conflict usually arises from failed attempts to communicate. It can also emerge from discrepancies and expectations that you may have of one another. Conflict is “growth trying to happen” and the bond can be strengthened while attempting to resolve. Avoiding conflict can build tension and distance.

Myth 3: Love is enough to keep the relationship going.

Romantic love is the chemical high and attraction that occurs with familiarity. However, sustaining a love relationship requires more – shared goals, acceptance, sustaining romantic gestures, connecting conversations. Otherwise, it becomes the endless to-do lists and limited connection. Prioritizing your relationship will keep your relationship alive versus relying on love alone. 

Myth 4: If you are in relationship that needs therapy, it’s already too late. 

Divorce rates are high and fewer than 10% of those couples ever talk to a professional. Couples believe that seeking couples therapy is a sign that their relationship is already beyond repair or that it is a last resort before breaking up. This myth is rooted in fears that therapy is only for failing relationships when they are in deep trouble rather than as a tool to strengthen and maintain a healthy connection. 

Another fear is a fear of blame that the therapy will focus on assigning fault or making one partner feel worse, rather than fostering growth and understanding. Lastly, there is stigma and shame with seeking help, that it is a sign of weakness, not realizing that it demonstrates commitment to the relationship.

For many couples, they wait too long to seek professional help. Things have escalated or they have reached burnout or are exhausted. For many, one or both partners have already checked out by the time they reach couples’ therapy.  These misconceptions can prevent couples from seeking help early, when therapy is most effective. In reality, couples’ therapy can be helpful at any stage, not just as a last-ditch effort. 

Myth 5: Marriage is just a piece of paper.

There are many benefits to marriage. The psychological and physical benefits are well researched and extensive. It has been established that in developed countries, the greatest source of health, wealth, longevity and ultimate welfare of children comes from being in a satisfying and healthy marriage. Those benefits are lowered in folks where the marriage is toxic and unhealthy, especially for women. 

Myth 6: Living alone with occasional relationships has the equivalent benefits to being married. 

Again, research has shown that people who live alone suffer more loneliness, die sooner, are not as healthy and wealthy and recover from illness slower than people who are married. This is especially true for men because they have fewer social networks than women. When men are in a committed relationship, their social networks increase.

Myth 7: Talking about our emotional wounds only makes them worse. 

Talking about your emotions is helpful because it allows you to process and release feelings that might otherwise build up and cause stress or overwhelm. Expressing your emotions can diminish the brain’s fear response, making it easier to manage difficult feelings and reduce anxiety. It also fosters connection and trust with others, which is vital for our well-being and sense of belonging. 

Myth 8: Better relationships are ones in which people are independent and less needy. 

Interdependence is important in relationships because it fosters mutual support, healthy communication, reciprocity and cooperation, which are essential to personal growth and success in relationships. In fact, you can attain your goals better with interdependence and being a team. Independence emphasizes self-reliance, making it on your own without the help of another and can be a lonely existence. 

Myth 9: What makes us different makes us incompatible.

It is differences and diversity that encourages growth by exposing partners to new perspectives, habits and experiences, helping each other become a better version of themselves. Learning from each other’s strengths and viewpoints can improve problem solving and adaptability as a couple. Having another version of yourself will get boring after a while. 

Myth 10: If you are with your soul mate, you won’t fight. 

The myth is that your soul mate will bring you bliss and you won’t have fights or disharmony. The truth is that your soul mate will likely push every one of your buttons inviting you to mature and grow. Learning how to down-regulate your reactions and defensiveness while owning your triggers and vulnerabilities are mature responses to helping foster harmony and connection. 

Myth 11: If you aren’t happy, you are not with the right person.

This is a set up from fairy tales and Disney. The myth is “If we were to meet the right person, we would forever be happy. If we are unhappy, we are with the wrong person”. It is unrealistic to expect the other to be responsible for our happiness and to expect constant happiness. Emotional wellness and taking good care of yourself depends on a balance of many life aspects. A strong relationship is one important part of our happiness and wellbeing but not the entirety of our happiness. 

Myth 12: Romance and sex should always come naturally and be spontaneous. 

In the early days of courtship, the love chemicals that coursed through our bodies and brains made romance and sex effortless due to the various hormones of oxytocin, testosterone, dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin and noradrenaline. After the waning of the hormones, romance and sexual connection requires effort and intentionality. Small gestures and shared experiences help maintain intimacy and connection. In addition, scheduling sex can help the physical intimacy. 

Myth 13: Passion in a good relationship never fades. 

Many believe that if passion fades, the relationship is failing. In reality, passion naturally evolves as life changes such as having children or increased work commitments. Passion can become dormant but can be rekindled with effort and attention by making time for each other, revisiting positive experiences and communicating your appreciations for each other to boost positive emotions.