If You Want to Stop Arguing All The Time, Avoid These Mistakes.
A couple trudged into my therapy office, slumped down in their chairs and glared at one another. The tensions were high and the emotions were charged. This couple in their 40s had yet another fight on the way to their appointment. This fight was a continuation of something that started last night, but the truth was they had variations of the same argument for the last five years.
“I’ve asked you to be kinder, but you speak to me with such contempt and attack me,” he complained.
“But you’re doing things that upset me,” she counter-claimed. “What am I supposed to do?”
They were at impasse and falling into this unhealthy dynamic over and over by making three common mistakes made by couples.
What are these mistakes? Could knowing them transform your relationship?
Mistake #1: “You change”
It is easy to have a long list of what your partner could do differently and a short list of your own. Perhaps yours is completely blank or full of hopeless ideas like “give up.” Unfortunately, pointing out your partner’s shortcomings does not encourage change. In fact, this only produces defensiveness and a counter-attack. Normally, I encourage couples to step into each other’s shoes and look at the world from there. However, once you reach impasse, you may be too angry to make this leap into the other’s world.
Mistake #2: Protest louder
If you can’t get through to your partner, you may wonder, why not raise the stakes? Perhaps they will finally understand and take you seriously? So, you shout louder, throw a bigger tantrum, or move from sniping to sarcasm and onto nasty name-calling. Other versions involve bringing in the opinions of others to back you up, bringing up past offences and punishing your partner by refusing sex or intimacy. Unfortunately, couples end up debating alternative narratives, building their case against their partner.
Mistake #3: Flee and pursue
At some point, one partner will check out. This could be physically walking away, internally shutting down, or people-pleasing (ie agreeing to anything to end the argument while being full of resentment or giving an empty apology). Sometimes clients will simply beg their partners to stop. Not surprisingly, the other partner does not feel heard and concludes that nothing will ever change. So they prevent the fleeing partner from leaving, following them to the next room or they resume the fight a short time later.
How to break the impasse
1. Consider that each of you have different perspectives and both of you are right.
It is easy to fall into black and white concepts of right and wrong, win and lose. Instead of this comparative thinking, embrace something called contemplative thinking. Instead of “yes but,” switch to “yes and,” which does not negate your partner’s position. Once you accept you are both right and two realities can co-exist, you open up to creative solutions: “What can we do differently?” “How can we make this better?”
2. Look deeper into the dilemma.
Ask yourself, “What is this argument really about?” If you both feel so strongly, it must be something important and that normally goes back to your childhood. So, tell each other what past trauma has been reactivated and what the longing you carried in from childhood. This is especially true if you are having the same argument over and over. If you need help with this, find a trauma informed therapist.
3. Stay in the crucible of conflict longer.
It is natural to want to exit conflict as equally as possible but it takes time to go through. Don’t put pressure on yourselves. It will normally take several discussions, maybe over several days. So learn to feel more comfortable with uncertainty and agree to keep talking and listening with ease.
4. Become vulnerable with each other.
Instead of showing your armor, speak about what you find difficult. Remember to use “I” statements. For example: “I feel anxious” rather than “You make me feel anxious.” Make sure to use feeling sentences versus covert blame sentences. “I feel scared when I see you walk out of the room versus “I feel like you don’t listen to me”.
5. Find similarities and build on those.
It is helpful to remind each other of what you agree on. For example: “We both want the best for the children” or “We are both feeling overwhelmed.” If you address the better part of your partner rather than attack their flaws, it is easier to build cooperation and collaboration. Remember to see the good in one another and have some faith.
6. Keep going through.
Once you stop pushing your particular solution, another way will slowly emerge. If you are still stuck, it could be that you need to return to the previous steps and do some more talking and a lot of listening. When you both feel truly heard and understood, you will be ready to move forward. The solution comes out of the conflict through deep listening and validation.
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