Why Partners Cheat

Partners cheat for a variety of complex reasons, often involving a mix of emotional, psychological and situational facts. Cheating in relationships is influenced by both individual and cultural facts. Here are some common motivations:

• Unmet Needs: Feeling emotionally or sexually unfulfilled in the relationship can lead someone to seek satisfaction elsewhere. 
• Anger or Revenge: Some folks cheat out of anger or as a retaliation for past hurts, such as being cheated on themselves, or being ignored for months and years. 
• Desire for Variety or Aliveness: Wanting new experiences, different types of intimacy and connection, or just novelty can motivate an infidelity or going outside for the marriage or relationship.
• Disconnection: Emotional distance, poor communication, or feeling neglected can tempt and entice a partner more likely to cheat.
• Commitment issues: Being uncertain about committing to a long-term commitment or a fear of being too intimate can lead to outside betrayal or infidelity. This is very common in young couples or pre-marital couples.
• Normalization of Cheating: In some cultures, cheating may be more accepted or even expected, while in others it remains a serious taboo.
• Opportunity:  Sometimes cheating happens simply because the opportunity presents itself, especially if there’s a lack of accountability or integrity. Modern technology, urban living and greater social mobility increase opportunities for infidelity, making it easier for partners to meet others outside their relationship. 
• Childhood or Personal Baggage: Past experiences like neglect, abuse or a history of infidelity in the family can induce someone’s behaviours in relationships. From childhood, witnessing infidelity or unhealthy relationships patterns at home, can shape attitudes and behaviours in adulthood. If someone grows up in a family where dishonesty or avoidance was common, they may replicate those patterns. 
• Poor boundary setting: Couples often fail to discuss what is acceptable within their relationships leaving boundaries ambiguous and increasing the likelihood of misunderstanding and infidelity. There can be implicit assumptions made around what cheating “is” and what cheating “is not” without ever discussing them explicitly. 
• Workplace Culture: A workplace culture that tolerates or normalizes infidelity can be a significant factor in why people cheat.  The workplace is a common setting for affairs, with about 30% of people who cheated saying their affair began with a co-worker. Factors such as late nights, work trips, social events, long hours of working away from families and spouses, and having close relationships with co-workers can create opportunities and temptations for infidelity. While not the only reason people cheat, a permissive or secretive work culture can make infidelity more likely. 
• Desire for Self-Fulfillment: In many modern societies, self-fulfillment is highly valued, sometimes even over partnership. Along with the entitlement, “I deserve to be happy”,  this pursuit of happiness and fulfillment can extend to looking outside the partnership. 
• Low Relationship Satisfaction or Self-Worth: People who feel undervalued or unsatisfied in relationships may seek gratification elsewhere in someone that can validate their own worth. 
• After a Traumatic Experience or Loss: Seeking someone else or having an interaction may be an attempt to regain vitality after a trauma or loss of a loved one. Infidelities may serve as a distraction from pain or as an avoidant response to unresolved grief. While trauma or loss does not directly cause someone to have an affair, these experiences can make individuals more vulnerable to seeking comfort, excitement or escape outside their primary relationship. 

As you can see, there are many reasons that people can have affairs. This is an important exploration for those that have engaged in deceitful and hurtful behaviours. Self-discovery is part of the recovery process after enduring the rupture of betrayal and infidelity. 

Watch this insightful and provocative TED Talk with Esther Perel, called Rethinking Infidelity.