Understanding Men and Male Emotions

More often, men suffer from what is called alexithymia. They conform to traditional masculine norms that emphasize toughness, teamwork, stoicism and competition, discounting the expression of vulnerable emotions. It is considered normative to not feel or describe emotions. Normative doesn’t mean that it is natural or good. In fact, boys are born just as sensitive as girls are. However, through socialization, boys lose permission to feel and become disconnected. 

When boys are raised without the tools to identify and communicate their feelings, they initially might still be able to express different kinds of emotions. Yet over time they will end up with a limited ability to express their full emotional range and will slowly become more emotionally anesthetized as they sink into covert depression. 

When a man suffers from depression and male alexithymia, he is not experiencing all his emotions and therefore he experiences the world as hard, dull and boring. Over time, his partner forms the impression that he is stoic, boring and uninterested. Feeing unloved and alone, the partner may become bitter and look elsewhere for emotional companionship. 

What boys are not taught is that feelings are natural. We are born feeling. Disconnection from feelings is often imposed on them at an early age of 3, 4 or 5. Boys receive messages: “Boys don’t cry”, “Don’t be a pussy”. They are told to shut their feelings down and “Be a big boy and man up”. Thus when they do have feelings either early or later in life, they are reluctant to speak up about their own needs and desires because they have been socialized to be unemotional and self-reliant and to feel ashamed of needing anything from anyone, particularly from a woman. 

Another reason that men often silence themselves in relationships is the fear of conflict and ultimately the fear of abandonment or rejection. Men are often not confident of their ability to resolve conflict with their partner so, they are afraid to speak up about their needs in relationship because they worry that speaking up will make things worse, maybe even much worse. 

Men’s fear of abandonment in relationship is perhaps most visible in the lengths that men will go to avoid conflict. Some men monitor their partner’s emotional states constantly and carefully, scanning for signs of potential conflict, criticism or disapproval. 

Men are socialized to believe that they are responsible for their partner’s happiness, so any evidence that their partner is unhappy or dissatisfied is often interpreted by men as criticism or failure. They immediately assume they have done something wrong, that they are in the doghouse and will not return to favour until they figure out what they have done wrong and correct it. Reassurance from the spouse that they are not “in trouble” is rarely sufficient for them to feel they are off the hook. 

To avoid women being angry with them, men willingly contort themselves to almost any extent. It is not uncommon for men to become so conflict avoidant in their intimate relationships that placating their partner becomes most important. This can lead to resentful compliance and further distancing and avoiding behaviours down the road. The mantra is Happy Wife, Happy Life lives inside them. Ultimately, men can become so unsettled by their partners being angry or disapproving that nothing else matters until it is fixed. All they want is her to stop being mad at them and be happy. 

When men are willing to learn basic communication skills they generally feel relieved. Being more emotionally open is not as difficult as they had feared. They connect with their inner selves and as a result, they feel much closer to their partner and are grateful that there is less and conflict in their relationship. They even find that they can express their fears and concerns and they won’t be judged and rejected. When the emotional range of emotions are expanded, the good feelings of joy can also return. Hence, being intimate becomes satisfying for both parties.