Why you should limit your arguments to one at a time

We all are terrible multitaskers. It’s difficult to keep track of more than one topic in a conversation when we’re feeling great. When the brain is under duress, it becomes under-resourced and it’s even more difficult to track multiple topics.

When you find yourself in an argument with your partner and another topic comes up, agree to table it for another time. Resolve the first issue. Take a break. Come back to the second problem when you’re both feeling better.

Now, you may be thinking: that’s easier said than done. How can I possibly ignore a major issue that's affecting me?

The answer? Communication. Let’s explore this in more detail.

What’s the best way to bring up a topic?

When you’re frustrated, it may seem best to just let it out. However, you need to remember that your partner has feelings too. They may be frustrated for their own reasons.

Here’s what I recommend.

Use “I” language when telling your partner about something that is upsetting to you. The automatic brain is constantly looking for cues of danger and will have a negative bias to what is being said. To mitigate this negative bias, start with an appreciation of your partner. 

Tell your partner that you are appreciative of the time they are taking to listen to you. This will lower their defenses and help you be heard. Then proceed, with the one topic, to not overwhelm your partner. 

“I noticed I had a reaction to you walking out the door when I was talking with you.” 

Describe their behaviour as if you saw it on a video camera versus saying, “I feel that you don’t listen to me.” 

This is too vague, non-descriptive, and doesn’t describe their behaviour. It is more like an accusation or blame sentence. 

Then go on to say what you felt. Feeling words are sad, scared, and angry, for example. Many people slip up in this area because of our culture and language. 

We say thoughts when we discuss our feelings. For example, you may say, “I feel like we are not a team.” 

This is an interpretation, not a feeling statement. It may be better to say, “I felt sad and anxious when this happened.” 

Sharing what you make up about your partner, the situation, or your relationship describes the internalized negative thoughts. We all make up stuff. We do it all the time. It is most likely a narrative that is not accurate. Telling your partner the personal narrative can clear out the inaccurate story that you made up to the cue. This is a way of opening up and being transparent. 

Just own it. We all make up stuff. 

Why you need to communicate solutions

It’s safe to say you want to get what you desire or request of your partner. This is important. All too often, partners tell their partner how they feel and what they made it mean and leave it to their partner to come up with the solution. In order to get what you want, you need to tell your partner in a kind, loving and clear way what you want. 

If I say to my husband, I would like your support. He would probably leave me alone. That is not what I want. I want a hug because that is what support means to me. Keep it positive, and stay clear away from telling your partner what you don’t want. 

It’s better to go for what you want. They will appreciate your clarity, stance and request. “I would like you to give me a hug which will tell me that you care about me.”

Try this out. Pick one topic and appreciate your partner for listening to you and responding to you. Bring forth a sense of respect, trust, and security by using this method. One thing at a time builds the sense of connection and keeps things manageable.