We Don’t Grow When we Avoid Difficult and Awkward Relationship Experiences
Kathleen Maiman • November 14, 2019
How grown-up are you in your relationships?
Each of us has a part of us that doesn’t want to grow up. This could be referred to as the adaptive part of ourselves or the “pretend” adult. The adaptive part is like a child in adult clothes and can change according to what the environment is or what is acceptable in the group.
Another part is the “solid” adult part of ourselves, which has inner convictions and changes from within. It can respond with thoughtful examination of the facts, rather than relationship pressure to conform.
When we are not aware of the “pretend” adult, it can wreak havoc on the system as well as our relationships, thus stagnating the potential for growth.
How Do We Learn About Ourselves?
Engage in those awkward relationship experiences instead of moving away. By distancing ourselves, the internal pressure may ease off but we miss out on the growth that is trying to happen.
Many couples try to keep the peace and avoid changing the status quo, by falling into a pattern where one is frustrated and the other has no initiative. The other complains that their partner has become bossy and controlling. This is a dynamic of one who is over-functioning and the other who is under-functioning.
Equality in this relationship is lost over time. It becomes a hostile or dead relationship. In this pattern, both blame each other without taking responsibility for their contribution. These patterns are co-created and part of a system that is trying to be outgrown.
What the individual can change is the part they're playing in it. By standing in the heat of the growth and noticing what is happening internally and remaining calm and connected, you can take the opportunity to expand into a mature part of yourself.
If you recognize
– Oh I am always mind reading in my partnership. I’m always guessing what I think my partner needs without asking them, this is not helping develop an intimate connection. Therefore work on asking your spouse what they think, what their thoughts are, rather than always taking the lead.
For the other
– if you recognize that you wait for your spouse to make all the decisions, you may be developing some deep seated resentment, and blaming your partner without taking the initiative or lead on your behalf. Thus hold yourself accountable, hey I’m a separate person and my thoughts, opinions and desires are valid. Making yourself known and revealing yourself without aggression is a move towards a balanced equal partnership.
Be a co-leader in your relationship, have more fun being curious and revealing yourselves to one another. This leads to more intimacy and foundation for a healthy secure base. And remember that relationships really push us to maturity.
Here is a handy checklist for aspiring grown-ups:
- Don't let your feelings dominate
- Refrain from blame
- Accept people have different views
- Be responsible for solving your own problems
- Hold onto your values and principles
- See the bigger picture
It takes effort, and you can learn how to have any equal partnership and grow up. Participate in an upcoming weekend retreat or set up a therapy session and gain the skills, knowledge and awareness to do this.
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