Change your perspective – change the outcome
Kathleen Maiman • June 7, 2019
When a couple gets into their dance of disconnection, often what arises is the same old, same old. We see the same cue, same image of our partner and we respond with the same reactivity. Does this sound familiar?
When feeling hurt, let down or disappointed, our view point becomes self-focused and limited. Have you ever noticed? We focus on our pain and what someone did to cause this pain. Next, thought is: they shouldn’t have done this to me. They don’t love me, or they don’t respect me. If they loved me or respected me, this wouldn’t happen. And the well-oiled mental image arises and we move into states of despair and helplessness. Followed by thoughts of, I guess I have to lower my expectations if I want to stay in this or I must leave the relationship because it is toxic.
The conclusion: “there is something wrong with my partner, something wrong with me for staying or something wrong with my relationship.”
Sound familiar? What is this based on? An image and a judgement of who or what our partner is? I often hear a partner say: “he is an angry person, or a narcissist, or she’s crazy”. Coming from pain, this is a limited view and the person believes they are right. Then their partner must be managed instead of taking responsibility to look into one’s perspective on the situation.
What also makes this worse, is that we get more of the same from our partner when doing the same thinking and responding.
We are unaware of our impact and how it contributes to the demise or the disconnection in the relationship.
Human nature is such that when we are angry, we tend to become so emotionally reactive to what the other person is doing to us that we lose our ability to observe our own part in the interaction. Self – observation is not at the same as self-blame….self-observation is the process of seeing the interaction of ourselves and others, and recognize that the ways other people behave with us have something to do with the way we think and behave about them. We cannot make another be different, but we can do something different ourselves so that the old pattern can no longer continue as usual.
Having said this, we are so tied to our disappointment and feelings of hurt that we don’t even see when our partner does something different. We don’t’ see that our negative bias or our pessimism may be contributing to our partner not changing. Perhaps it is a big deal for the partner to stretch into a new behaviour that is being asked….When they do it, do you notice they did it or again are you focusing on the pain and the hurt of all the times they disappointed you? Have you asked your partner for something they can do to reassure you? Have you given some grace to your partner being able to make changes with a possibility that they might fall back into their own behaviour. Do you praise or prize them when you see them do it?
In the end, to build a foundation of connection, curiosity is key versus holding onto our painful hurts and images. Ask yourself, what image am I seeing about my partner? What am I telling myself, that is reinforcing this image? Given, this – how can I hold a different image of understanding and empathy and respond differently to have a different outcome?
Register for our Newsletter and receive a Free Love Chat Package
This Package Includes
- The 5 Steps to a Better Relationship
- Ongoing Monthly Relationship Tips
- If you want more love in your life, our relationship Love Chat Package is an easy cost-free first step.
Healthy communication is the foundation of every lasting relationship. Yet many couples find themselves feeling misunderstood or stuck in recurring arguments, not because they lack love, but because they haven’t learned the “rules of engagement” that make conversations effective. At my couples therapy practice in Calgary, I often describe communication as a shared journey: much like driving a car together. When both partners understand the “rules of the road,” they navigate challenges with greater ease, awareness, and respect.
There are many highlights with the 2026 Olympics in Milan this winter. One of my favourites is the Ice Dancing Pairs. Watching them pursue the Olympic gold as a couple is breathtaking to watch. They are two people gliding across the ice as if they share one heartbeat. Every lift, every turn, every daring leap relies on
Every February, couples across the world brace themselves for Valentine's Day, sometimes with excitement, sometimes with dread. While the day can invite sweetness and connection, it can also stir up pressure, disappointment, or quiet resentment. As a couple’s therapist, I often see Valentine’s Day magnify whatever is already humming beneath the surface of a relationship: intimacy, disconnection, hope, or longing.
Ever walk away from a talk feeling more alone? Discover the 3 silent conversation killers—and the simple, heart-centered shifts that turn "fixing" into "feeling."
Every couple has a core conflict dynamic, a recurring emotional negative dance that shapes how fights unfold, no matter the trigger. It's not about who’s factually correct; it’s about the unmet needs humming beneath the words.
The holidays can bring out the best and the worst in us. Between travel plans, family expectations, and endless to-do lists, even deeply connected couples and individuals can feel stretched thin. While this season promises joy and closeness, it also tests patience, communication, and self-care. Taking it easy—both with yourself and your partner and loved ones —can make all the difference.
Money fights aren’t about dollars—they’re about emotions. Learn how couples can turn financial tension into deeper trust and partnership.
Instead of trying to "fix" your partner or stop fights, shift your focus to growth. Learn how a growth mindset deepens intimacy, builds empathy, and creates lasting change.
Helping is often celebrated as the hallmark of compassion. Acts of generosity and care can bond people, ease suffering, and foster trust.
In today’s digital world, screens have woven themselves into every moment of our lives. From the first scroll in the morning to the last glance before sleep: our phones and tablets are shaping how couples are spending time together. Just have a look the next time you go out to dinner and see the couple both sitting on their phone while waiting for their dinner to arrive. While this technology connects partners across distances, it can also subtly erode emotional intimacy when left unchecked. You are not alone if you’ve ever tried to talk to your partner while their eyes are glued to a glowing screen. In today’s world, screen time has quietly become the “third wheel” in many relationships.
