All People are Difficult and Annoying

As a couple’s therapist, I know how difficult people can be. Actually, as a person on this planet and a romantic partner to my husband Robert, I count myself as one of those difficult people. Indeed, in no way do I put myself above any of the other annoying people out there. Yet here I am, writing about how to be less of a pain. Well, while I know I can be difficult, I know how not to be too difficult. And the line between them is actually clearer than you might think. Here’s how not to cross it.

When I work with couples, our goal is for them to become secure functioning. Secure functioning partners are least difficult with and toward each other. That’s because they understand their purpose: To ensure each other’s absolute, unequivocal sense of safety and security. Partners are equal stakeholders in this endeavor, therefore, they agree to make life easier for each other, not harder. That’s one of the main principles of secure functioning relationships.

Oh, wait, you think you’re not difficult? Let me tell you, you are. Here’s why:

1.    Your brain.

Though a very impressive organ, your brain is prone to lots of errors, especially in social situations. For example,

• Your brain all too often combines social cues (faces, voices, movements, postures, words, and phrases) with real danger.
• Your brain is mostly automatic, memory-based, and therefore confuses current events with previous experience via a lightning fast memory and recognition system.
• Your brain constantly replaces missing evidence with made up “facts.”
• Your brain imagines things that are not there.

2.    Your biology.

Your development plays a considerable role in how difficult you are. Your biology affects your ability to:

• Manage your impulses.
• Tolerate frustration.
• Shift your attention at will.
• Manage your state of arousal.
• Socially-emotionally act and react appropriately under stress.
• Make decisions.
• Override what feels good for what does good.
• Remain self-aware in real time.

3.    Nature.

You are genetically predisposed as a homo sapien to be aggressive, self-interested, and prone to dislike people who are “too familiar to ignore, but too different to tolerate.”

4.    Nurture.

Your experiences and memories shape who you become.  If you experienced any trauma, especially in early childhood that remains unresolved, you are likely to be hyper-reactive to threat cues, both internally and externally.

This is not an exhaustive list. The ways to be difficult are limitless. However, that you and I are difficult is not a problem. It’s when we cross the line and become too difficult, that is the problem.

How does focusing on secure functioning help?

Secure functioning partners co-create their own kind of social contract which protects them from each other. These are “golden rules” in that they are, if agreed upon, undisputable and therefore help partners rein in difficult behavior.

One golden rule could be, “We protect each other in public.” Here is a personal example. Robert and I both had agreed to this principle. We know that it serves both our personal and mutual good. In this example below, I am teaching at a Couples Weekend Retreat. Robert walks into the room and my reaction is as follows.

Kathleen: [to Robert in front of the group as he walks into the room] Hello… (fill in the blank).

Robert: [puts his head down in embarrassment]

[Crowd laughs and mocks what was said to Robert…Hello…(fill in the blank).

Kathleen: What? [laughing and smiling with the group) It’s cute, (raising her shoulders and hands in a disdainful, questioning manner]

Robert [quietly moves close to her ear]. Remember what I told you earlier. Don’t call me that out loud in front of people.

Kathleen: [out loud] Oh come on. It’s cute.  I’m so proud of you.

At this point, I have stepped over the line and have become too difficult. I explicitly embarrassed Robert in public reflexively shouting my pet name for him to the group. This reflexive comment that he told me explicitly not to say in public, breaks an agreed upon principle. However, that I continued to violate the principle when reminded by Robert – that is what defines being too difficult. It also shifts Robert’s experience of me from annoying to threatening.

Here’s how the repair went:

Robert:  [in our private hotel room] I really wish you wouldn’t share your pet name for me in front of the whole group. I felt really embarrassed. .

Kathleen: [covering my mouth in horror turns to Robert] I’m so sorry. I forgot. I’m so sorry, really I am. I betrayed you by being so enthusiastic in front of the group with my love and pet name for you. I am so very sorry I did that.

Robert:  I know you are and I forgive you. I know you get really love-enamoured at the couples weekend and were excited to see me when I came in the room. Just please keep our pet names to ourselves.

Kathleen: I love you, it won’t happen again.

Now this is an example of repair and recognition of being difficult.

Other examples of being too difficult include:

• Persistently not releasing your partner after a satisfactory repair.
• Not being willing to bargain with your partner.
• When bargaining, not providing alternatives following the word “no.”
• Being unwilling to admit your wrongs and make amends.
• Being unwilling to see your partner’s point of view.
• Not being curious.
• Persistently stubborn.
• Persistently inflexible.
• Persistently conflict avoidant.
• Continually failing to check with your partner when discussing them in public.
• Continually disregarding your partner when together in public.
• Persistently (and unapologetically) failing to keep your word.
• Persistently talking too much.
• Persistently talking too little.

Again, this is by no means a definitive list. But notice the wording in here. It’s not about reflexively doing something that makes you difficult for your partner. It’s about the refusal to stop when cued that makes you too difficult. It’s also about the refusal to repair the hurt and makes things right.

We are all fundamentally automatic creatures – all day, every day. Our brain cannot possibly remember the countless changes in behavior our partners require under various circumstances. That’s why telling your partner to never again embarrass you in public, while understandable, can never work. Your partner will do something again and likely without any malicious intent. It will be far more effective to remind your partner just before entering a public situation. “When we go in, please don’t make any jokes at my cost, okay?” If your partner is not too difficult, they will comply. If they don’t, well, now you have a problem. If they slip (which should not happen), and remain unapologetic, it’s likely time to move on. 

Because we are all mostly automatic, we shouldn’t be faulted for many of the knee-jerk behaviors we do without thought and, at times, without intention. We are, however, responsible for what we do after we do something stupid, thoughtless, or insensitive. We are all difficult in one way or another. The challenge for secure functioning couples is in not crossing the line to becoming too difficult.