theloveofattraction

Growth in Relationships Has No Arrival: An RLT perspective for couples

Fri, 17 Apr 2026 19:00:54 GMT

In Relational Life Therapy , growth is not treated as a finish line. Relationships are living systems, which means they are always changing, always asking for attention, and always inviting us to learn something new about ourselves and each other. The idea that a couple can “arrive” at a permanently easy, conflict-free place is one of the most common myths about love. In reality, healthy relationships are not built on perfection; they are built on ongoing awareness, accountability, and repair. RLT emphasizes directness, personal responsibility, and lasting change rather than the fantasy of getting everything right once and for all.

A relationship is not a problem to solve and then file away. It is a practice, and like any meaningful practice, it deepens over time. Partners will keep meeting new versions of each other as life changes, stress rises and falls, and old patterns get triggered in fresh ways. That is why RLT focuses on identifying repeating “dances” between partners, such as pursuing and distancing, criticizing and defending, or over-functioning and under-functioning. These patterns do not disappear because a couple has been together for a long time; they simply become more visible when life places pressure on the bond.

Why There is No “Done”

One of the most freeing ideas in RLT is that no one graduates from relational work. Even when a couple has made real progress, they still have to practice truth-telling, emotional regulation, and repair. The goal is not to reach a final state where conflict never happens again. The goal is to become more skilled at staying connected when conflict does happen. RLT teaches that sustainable change comes through repeated practice, not one-time insight.

This matters because many people carry the hope that once they find the right partner, the right communication tool, or the right therapy session, the relationship will settle into permanent peace. But growth rarely works that way. Each new stage of life can activate old wounds, expose blind spots, and call for a new level of maturity. In that sense, relationship growth is less like arriving at a destination and more like learning to navigate with greater wisdom each time the terrain changes.

The RLT View of Maturity

RLT does not ask couples to be flawless. It asks them to become more honest, more accountable, and more able to stay present when things get uncomfortable. That means noticing when you are protecting yourself through withdrawal, control, blame, or self-righteousness, and then choosing a more mature response. Mature love, in this frame, is not about never getting reactive. It is about recognizing reactivity sooner, taking responsibility faster, and returning to connection more skillfully.

This is why RLT places such strong emphasis on both inner work and relational skill-building. Insight alone is not enough if the same patterns keep running the relationship. At the same time, skills alone are not enough if deeper wounds are never acknowledged. Growth happens when partners are willing to face what is hard, heal what has been wounded, and practice new ways of being together over and over again.

What This Means in Daily Life

In everyday terms, an ongoing growth mindset sounds like this: “We’re not trying to prove we’re a perfect couple—we’re working to become a better one.” That shift lifts a great deal of pressure off both partners. Mistakes become part of the process rather than proof that something is wrong. Ruptures are no longer signs of failure, but opportunities for repair and learning. It also invites humility, as both people recognize they are still evolving.

For clients, this can be deeply reassuring. There is no need to reach some imagined relational summit to be doing well. What matters is continuing to show up, tell the truth, take responsibility, and practice connection. In RLT, that ongoing effort isn’t a problem to fix—it is the very shape of a healthy relationship.

Maturity in RLT: Presence Over Perfection

From an RLT perspective, healthy love isn’t free of reactivity. Instead, it reflects a growing capacity for self-awareness, emotional regulation, and empathic connection. Partners learn to notice their protective patterns as they arise, pause instead of escalating, and listen without fixing, fleeing, or defending.

This kind of grounded presence builds resilience over time. Rather than getting stuck in cycles of disappointment, partners begin to experience themselves as allies in growth—supporting each other’s evolution instead of focusing on unmet needs.

Practical Steps for Ongoing Growth

This mindset is strengthened through small, consistent practices:

Daily check-ins: Share one win, one struggle, and one appreciation—without trying to fix anything.
Repair rituals: After conflict, name it directly: “I blew it when… I’m choosing differently now.”
Growth reminder: “We’re practicing, not performing.”

Closing Thought

There is no final arrival in love—only deeper participation. The work of relationship is not to eliminate struggle, but to keep growing within it. From this perspective, ongoing growth is what makes intimacy real, resilient, and alive.

Rules of Engagement: How Communication in Relationships Is Like Driving a Car

Mon, 16 Mar 2026 15:23:16 GMT

Healthy communication is the foundation of every lasting relationship. Yet many couples find themselves feeling misunderstood or stuck in recurring arguments, not because they lack love, but because they haven’t learned the “rules of engagement” that make conversations effective. At my couples therapy practice in Calgary, I often describe communication as a shared journey: much like driving a car together. When both partners understand the “rules of the road,” they navigate challenges with greater ease, awareness, and respect.

Know the Road Conditions

In both driving and relationships, awareness matters. Before a meaningful conversation, take a moment to assess the emotional “weather.” Are you both tired, stressed, or distracted? If so, it may not be the ideal time to talk. Choosing the right moment to communicate allows couples to approach sensitive topics calmly and collaborate rather than collide.

Know Your Destination

Before you start driving, you usually have some idea of where you want to go. The same holds true for communication. Ask yourself: What is the goal of this conversation? Are you seeking understanding, problem-solving, or simply a chance to feel heard? When partners speak with clarity of purpose, it becomes easier to steer toward connection rather than frustration. In couples counselling, I often notice that miscommunication arises when each person is driving toward a different “destination.” Checking in about your shared goals helps both partners move in the same direction.

Stay Present Behind the Wheel

Good drivers stay alert and attentive, and healthy communicators do the same. In relationship counselling, I often remind couples that presence is more powerful than perfection. Listening closely without planning your next response shows genuine care. Eye contact, open body language, and reflective statements (“What I hear you saying is...”) create a sense of safety and understanding that keeps both partners emotionally connected.

Use Clear Signals

Every driver knows how important signaling is. In relationships, clarity prevents emotional “accidents.” Let your partner know when you’d like to discuss something important instead of surprising them mid-commute. Saying, “There’s something I’d like to talk about, when would be a good time?” gives both people time to prepare, reducing defensiveness and improving communication flow.

Respect Each Other’s Space

Healthy couples communication also includes boundaries. Just like tailgating creates tension on the road, pressing your partner for answers or pushing too hard during a discussion can cause emotional strain. Allowing time and space for reflection invites more thoughtful, compassionate responses. It’s about cooperation, not control keeping a safe following distance so both partners feel secure.

Stay in Your Lane

In relationship therapy, I often encourage partners to “stay in their lane.” That means focusing on your own thoughts and emotions, not steering your partner’s behavior. Rather than saying, “You always do this,” try, “I feel anxious when that happens.” This approach fosters accountability, reduces blame, and encourages your partner to listen without feeling attacked. When each person stays in their lane, communication becomes smoother and more respectful.

Slow Down the Conversation

Whether navigating busy traffic or a tense discussion, slowing down brings clarity. Quick reactions interrupting, raising your voice, or jumping to conclusions can cause emotional pileups. Taking a deep breath, speaking gently, and pausing between thoughts allows both people to stay grounded and calm. Relationship counseling often focuses on learning this “emotional pacing” one of the most effective tools for maintaining connection during conflict.

Check Your Blind Spots

Every driver has areas they can’t see without turning their head, and relationships are no different. Blind spots include assumptions, past wounds, or inherited beliefs about communication. Taking time for self-reflection helps you notice patterns that might influence your tone or reactions. Therapy can be especially helpful here, offering guidance and perspective that make those blind spots visible and manageable.

Know When to Pull Over

Finally, every wise driver knows when to stop and rest. The same applies to couples communication. When conversations become heated or emotions run high, it’s okay to take a break. Pausing doesn’t mean disconnecting, it means caring enough to return when both partners can speak with clarity and kindness.

Healthy communication doesn’t mean avoiding conflict; it means navigating it with intention and care. By following these “rules of engagement,” couples can strengthen trust, rebuild connection, and create a shared sense of direction.

If you and your partner are ready to improve your communication, my Calgary couples therapy can help you both learn new tools for understanding, patience, and emotional connection.

To schedule a couples counseling session or learn more about healthy relationship communication, contact Kathleen Maiman , RLT Therapist, Imago Therapist of The Love of Attraction in Calgary today.

The Art of the Pair: How Going for Olympic Gold in Ice Skating Reflects the Dance of Love

Wed, 18 Feb 2026 18:06:58 GMT

There are many highlights with the 2026 Olympics in Milan this winter. One of my favourites is the Ice Dancing Pairs. Watching them pursue the Olympic gold as a couple is breathtaking to watch. They are two people gliding across the ice as if they share one heartbeat. Every lift, every turn, every daring leap relies on perfect harmony. But beyond the arena lights, that same blend of trust, rhythm, and resilience forms the core of a beautiful relationship. Love and relationships, like skating for gold, is a dance that demands both grace and commitment.

At the heart of both lies trust which is deep, unshakable, and hard-earned. In skating, a partner must leap into the air believing completely that the other will catch them. In love, the leap is emotional: opening your heart, being vulnerable, and trusting that your partner will hold it gently. Without that faith, neither the jump nor the relationship can soar.

Communication turns this trust into motion. Olympic pairs speak through subtle gestures and unspoken cues; a glance, a breath, a shift of weight tells a thousand stories. In relationships, that same wordless understanding becomes the rhythm of daily life, sharing small kindnesses, the laughter, the comfort of knowing what the other needs, and attuning and attending to those needs. It’s a choreography that turns connection into closeness.

Of course, every pair stumbles and makes errors. Even the best skaters fall. But love, like sport, is not measured by perfection. It is defined by the willingness to rise together. Each challenge strengthens the bond, reminding both partners that the real victory is not the medal but the hand they keep reaching for after every fall.

And then there’s the magic. The part that no training can capture. When two skaters take the ice and move as one, the world seems to vanish. That’s the same energy that flows between two people in love: a union where time slows, hearts align, and the rest of the world fades to a soft blur. The beauty isn’t just in the performance, but in the love that makes it possible.

Finally, both skating and love require joy. The pairs who truly shine at the Olympics radiate connection. You can see it in the way they look at each other mid-spin or in the shared smile after landing a perfect jump. In relationships, joy is the artistry that turns daily routines into something extraordinary. It’s the shared goals, and the quiet moments that keep life vibrant.

Winning gold and building a lasting relationship are both acts of devotion sustained by trust, fueled by effort, and brought to life by joy. Whether on the ice or off it, it’s not perfection that matters most, but how gracefully two people navigate the falls and keep dancing together.

Wishing you joyful moments as you take in the final highlights of this Olympic season.

To chase gold or to build a lifelong love is to practice devotion, balance, and faith every day. It’s about finding the rhythm between effort and ease, strength and surrender.

Valentine’s Day through a Therapist’s Eyes: Beyond Roses and Reservations

Fri, 06 Feb 2026 19:58:26 GMT

Every February, couples across the world brace themselves for Valentine's Day, sometimes with excitement, sometimes with dread. While the day can invite sweetness and connection, it can also stir up pressure, disappointment, or quiet resentment. As a couple’s therapist, I often see Valentine’s Day magnify whatever is already humming beneath the surface of a relationship: intimacy, disconnection, hope, or longing.

The Meaning Beneath the Moment

Valentine’s Day isn’t really about the flowers, chocolates, or grand gestures. It’s about what they’re meant to symbolize: care, attention, and effort. Those gestures can be beautiful when they’re authentic, but empty when they’re used to “check the box.” The most loving Valentine’s moments often happen in the small exchanges: when one partner really listens, apologizes sincerely, laughs together after a rough week, or says “thank you” for something ordinary.

The Pressure Trap

Cultural scripts tell us how Valentine’s should look with candlelit dinners, extravagant gifts, picture-perfect romance. When couples fall short of that ideal, it’s easy to feel like something’s wrong. But relationships thrive on realness, not performance. In fact, meaningful connection happens when partners drop the show and show up openly, vulnerably, imperfectly.

A Different Kind of Valentine’s Intention

Instead of focusing on what to do , reflect on how you want to feel together. Do you want calm? Do you want peace? Playfulness? Closeness? Once that’s clear, create your ritual around that feeling.

Here are some therapist-inspired ideas:

Name what you appreciate about your partner that you rarely say aloud.
Revisit a fond memory from early in your relationship.
Share one wish for your relationship in the coming year.
Do something restorative: a quiet walk, a slow meal, or even staying in without distractions.

The point isn’t the activity. It’s the quality of presence you bring to it.

Love as a Daily Practice

Valentine’s Day can be one lovely reminder, but strong relationships are built in the weeks and months between holidays. Love grows through steady attention, small repairs after conflict, and shared laughter even on ordinary Tuesdays. This February, instead of trying to impress your partner, try to understand them a little better, appreciate them a little more, and connect a little deeper.

That kind of Valentine’s, one that is grounded, mindful, and real lasts far longer than roses.

When Words Wound: Healing the Silent Sabotages in Your Everyday Talks

Wed, 28 Jan 2026 14:28:12 GMT

Have you ever ended a conversation feeling more alone than when it started? You talked—maybe for an hour—but somehow walked away with a heavier heart. The grocery list was settled, the weekend plans confirmed, yet the space between you feels colder. If this resonates, you’re not broken; you’re simply caught in the most universal relationship struggle: communication that misses the mark.

In my office, 7 out of 10 couples sit down and say, “We just can’t communicate.” What they mean isn’t that words fail—it’s that connection does. The real issue isn’t volume or vocabulary; it’s the invisible ways we accidentally push each other away while trying to pull closer. Today, let’s shine a gentle light on three common communication traps, why they hurt so deeply, and how to speak in a way that actually brings you home to each other.

The Three Silent Conversation Killers

These patterns sneak in like uninvited guests—polite on the surface, devastating underneath.

The “Fix-It Reflex” She shares, “Work was brutal today.” He jumps in: “Did you talk to your boss? You should set boundaries.” What she hears: “Your feelings are a problem to solve, not a heart to hold.” Over time, this reflex teaches her to stop sharing altogether. (Research shows unsolicited advice is perceived as criticism 80% of the time by the receiver.)
The “Emotional Escalator” A small frustration—“You left the dishes again”—spirals into “You never help, I do everything!” One complaint morphs into character assassination. The original issue gets buried under a landslide of hurt. The brain’s amygdala hijacks the conversation; logic boards a train to nowhere.
The “Ghosting Pause” He goes quiet during conflict. She panics: “Say something!” His silence isn’t punishment—it’s self-protection. But to her nervous system, it reads as abandonment. Stonewalling triggers the same physiological stress as physical threat (heart rate over 100 bpm within seconds).

Meet Maria and Justin. Maria felt dismissed every time Justin offered solutions instead of empathy. Justin felt flooded every time Maria’s tone sharpened. Neither was “wrong”—they were just speaking different emotional languages.

Three Heart-Centered Shifts to Speak (and Hear) Love

Healing communication isn’t about better scripts; it’s about safer soil for the words to land.

Replace “Fix” with “Feel” (The 3-Word Check-In). When your partner shares something hard, pause and ask: “Feelings or solutions?” If they say “feelings,” respond with: “That sounds exhausting. I’m right here.” One couple I coached turned this into a game—winner got to pick the next Netflix show. Playfulness lowers defenses; presence deepens bonds.
Use the “Soft Start-Up” (Even When You’re Mad). Instead of “You never…” try “I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen’s messy after I’ve cooked. Can we team up on a 10-minute reset?” Begin with I + feeling + need. Studies show soft start-ups lead to resolution 96% of the time (vs. 4% for harsh ones).
Turn Silence into Signal (The 20-Minute Rule). When one of you shuts down, agree: “I need 20 minutes to calm my body, then I’ll come back.” Set a timer. Use the break to breathe, walk, or splash water on your face—anything to drop cortisol. Return with: “I’m back. I want to understand you.” This transforms stonewalling from rejection into responsible self-care.

A Whisper of Hope for Your Next Conversation

The couples who communicate beautifully aren’t the ones who never fight—they’re the ones who’ve learned to repair. A simple “I see I hurt you—can we try that again?” can melt more ice than a perfect argument ever could. Your words are the bridge between two inner worlds. Tend it gently, and it will carry you both to safety, every single day.

Recall one small way you’ve turned a tough talk around lately? Those small wins and victories will make it easier to do it the next time.

Kathleen Maiman is a licensed relationship therapist with over 20 years helping couples rediscover joy and connection.

The Hidden Dance of "You're Always Right" vs "You Never Listen, Breaking the Core Conflict Loop

Wed, 24 Dec 2025 14:14:27 GMT

Does this sound familiar? You're discussing weekend plans, and within minutes, the conversation spirals. She says, "You always have to be right about everything!" He fires back, "That's because you never actually listen to what I'm saying!" The details—whether it's the restaurant choice or the route to take fade into the background. What remains is the familiar sting of a deeper pattern, one that follows you from topic to topic like a shadow.

Every couple has a core conflict dynamic, a recurring emotional negative dance that shapes how fights unfold, no matter the trigger. It's not about who’s factually correct; it’s about the unmet needs humming beneath the words. In my therapy room, this dance loop shows up in many couples called the “Pursuer-Critic vs. Dismissed- Expert". These are common patterns that I have tracked over two decades. Today, let’s gently unpack this dynamic, name it without blame, and learn how to step into a new rhythm together.

Why This Loop Feels So Familiar (And So Painful)

At its heart, this dynamic isn’t about intelligence or control—it’s about attachment.

She (often the emotional pursuer) may feel chronically invalidated, like her perspective is dismissed before it’s heard. Over time, this triggers a fear: “If I’m not taken seriously, do I even matter in this relationship?”
He (often the logical defender) may feel perpetually unheard, especially when his knowledge or reasoning is brushed aside. His fear? “If she won’t listen, am I invisible? Powerless?”

The irony? Both are fighting for the same thing: to be seen and valued . But the dance keeps them stuck—her frustration escalates into criticism; his defence hardens into withdrawal or counterattack. Before long, the original topic (vacation plans, finances, even what to watch on TV) becomes irrelevant. The real wound is emotional.

Take Liz and Andrew that I recently saw and guided. Liz felt Andrew “mansplained” everything from car maintenance to parenting apps. Andrew felt Liza interrupted or rolled her eyes whenever he shared expertise. Neither was wrong in their facts—but both were aching to be respected. Does this sound like anyone you know?

Three Compassionate Ways to Rewrite Your Dance

The beauty of a core dynamic is that once you name it, you can choreograph a new pattern.

Here’s how:

Pause and Name the Pattern—Together Next time the loop starts, try this soft intervention: One partner says, “I think we’re in our dance again—me feeling unheard and you feeling dismissed. Can we pause?” Naming it out loud interrupts the autopilot. When couples Name it to Tame it, their cycle reduces its escalation by 50% within weeks. It’s not about winning the argument, it’s about protecting the we. Do you have a name for your circular negative dance? Maybe it’s the Loop of Doom, or The Tornado of Disconnection. When you can pause and reference this together, there is an opportunity to shift to reconnection.
Trade Roles with Curiosity (The 5-Minute Switch) Set a timer. For five minutes, she speaks as if she’s him: “When you interrupt, I feel like my knowledge doesn’t matter, and I shut down to protect myself.” Then he speaks as her: “When you correct me, I feel small, like my voice isn’t welcome.” This isn’t role-play for laughs—it’s empathy in action. Studies from Stanford’s Couples Lab (2024) found that perspective-switching lowers defensiveness and builds neural pathways for compassion. It’s also kind of fun to hear your partner speak as you.
Create a 'Respect Ritual' for Everyday Moments Agree on a tiny daily practice: Before offering advice or feedback, ask, “Would you like my input, or do you just need me to listen?” For the knowledge-holder, this prevents over-explaining. For the listener, it honours their need to feel safe. One couple I worked with used a literal “microphone” (a small toy)—whoever held it got 60 uninterrupted seconds. Playful? Yes. Powerful? Absolutely.

A Soft Landing for Your Shared Heart

Your core dynamic isn’t a flaw—it’s a signal. It’s your relationship whispering, “Here’s where we need healing and compassionate understanding.” The couples who thrive aren’t the ones without conflict; they’re the ones who learn to hold each other’s fears with tenderness.

If this dance feels heavy, you’re not alone. Many of the strongest partnerships I’ve seen started right here—in the courage to say, “This pattern hurts us both. Let’s change it together.”

Learn more ways to change the dance and reconnect. Sign up for A Couples Weekend this Spring of 2026.

Taking It Easy in Your Relationship Over the Holiday Season

Fri, 19 Dec 2025 17:59:33 GMT

The holidays can bring out the best and the worst in us. Between travel plans, family expectations, and endless to-do lists, even deeply connected couples and individuals can feel stretched thin. While this season promises joy and closeness, it also tests patience, communication, and self-care. Taking it easy—both with yourself and your partner and loved ones —can make all the difference.

Slow Down Before You Burn Out

It’s easy to get swept into an “everything must be perfect” mindset. From hosting dinners to finding thoughtful gifts, folks often feel pressure to create magic. But emotional connection matters far more than flawless execution. This year, try slowing down together with a friend or a partner. Spend quiet mornings over coffee, take bundled-up evening walks, or watch a movie in good company. The simplicity of shared downtime with a partner or friend often restores the intimacy we all need when the busyness takes over.

Make Space for Different Needs

Holidays accentuate differences—how each person handles stress, family traditions, or social energy levels. Some of us want lively gatherings while others crave quiet. When we clash, resentment can easily surface. Rather than forcing alignment, see this as an opportunity to practice empathy. Ask: What feels restful and meaningful for you? Then negotiate a balance where both needs are respected. Supporting each other’s limits can become one of the most loving gifts you give.

Let Go of Perfect

When families gather, old roles, expectations, and unspoken tensions can creep back in. If things go off-script, remind yourself that imperfection doesn’t mean failure. Relationships thrive not through flawless communication but through repair—small gestures of understanding, humor, or touch when things feel tense.

Protect Time for Just the Two of You (if you are a couple)

Between obligations and errands, it’s easy for couples to slip into “logistical teammates” instead of romantic partners. Set aside intentional time that’s unstructured and pressure-free. Maybe it’s a spontaneous date, a pajama morning, or a shared nap after a hectic day. These pauses allow the relationship to breathe.

Take Time for You and Reflect!

When I was single, what I loved about the holiday season was my time to sit and reflect on the year and where I had come from and how much I had grown. My favourite yearly ritual was to read: Return To Love by Marianne Williamson. The heart of her book is about shifting your mindset from fear, control and ego to forgiveness, trust and compassion. Her core theme is that Love is Our Natural State and most of our pain comes form having forgotten that. This book allows you to Return to Love in all areas of your life reminding us to soften, surrender and let love lead our choices.

A Season of Gentleness

In summary, the most meaningful part of the holidays isn’t what you check off—it’s how you show up for yourself and one another. Kind loving attention, small reassurances, and laughter amid chaos are what carry love forward into the new year.

So take it easy this holiday season whether you are single or in a relationship. You don’t need things to be perfect or have a sparkle of sparkle of performance—just presence to the love and connection that is all around.

May you feel blessed and whole this holiday season. See you in 2026.

When Money Talks Louder Than Love: Turning Financial Friction into Shared Security

Mon, 24 Nov 2025 15:41:11 GMT

It’s 9:17 p.m. The kids are finally asleep. You open the banking app together, and within thirty seconds the room crackles. “Another $180 on takeout?” “Well, you dropped $400 on that golf trip!” What began as a simple budget check-in ends with one of you on the couch and the other scrolling in silence. If money feels like the third person in your relationship—uninvited and opinionated—you’re in excellent company.

Financial disagreements rank in the top three reasons couples seek therapy, yet the fight is rarely about the dollars. It’s about what the dollars represent: safety, freedom, worth, or the fear of losing it all. Today, let’s peek behind the receipts, name the emotional undercurrents, and craft a gentler way to talk numbers without losing your connection.

The Three Money Scripts That Quietly Divide

Every couple carries invisible money stories from childhood. When they collide, sparks fly.

1. The Saver vs. The Spender She sees every latte as a future emergency. He sees every saved dollar as a missed joy. Her fear: “If we spend, we’ll be broke and abandoned.” His fear: “If we hoard, life will pass us by.”

2. The Secret Keeper vs. The Open Book One partner hides purchases or debt; the other demands full transparency. The secret isn’t the $60 sweater—it’s the shame spiral: “If you knew the real me, you’d leave.”

3. The Breadwinner Burden vs. The Invisible Labour He earns 70%, she manages the home and side-gig. Resentment brews: “I pay the bills, I decide.” vs. “My unpaid work keeps this life running.” Money becomes a scoreboard instead of a shared resource.

I recently sat with Mia and Liam. Mia grew up with parents who fought over every dime; Liam’s family celebrated with spontaneous trips. Their $300 disagreement over a new couch wasn’t about cushions—it was Mia’s terror of instability and Liam’s grief for lost adventure. Once they named the story, the price tag lost its power.

Three Tender Practices to Make Money a Bridge, Not a Wall

Shift from “my money/your money” to our money, our dreams.

1. Hold a Monthly “Money Date” (With A Delightful Dessert) Once a month, light a candle, pour tea, and review the numbers together. Start with gratitude: “I’m thankful we paid the mortgage.” Then one dream each: “I’d love a family camping trip.” End with one micro-action. Couples who ritualize money talks reduce financial stress by 60% (2024 TD Bank Love & Money Survey). Make it sacred, not a showdown.

2. Translate Numbers into Feelings (The 3-Question Check) When tension rises, pause and ask:

What does this expense mean to you?”
“What fear or hope is underneath?”
“How can we honor both?” Mia learned Liam’s “splurge” meant play; Liam learned Mia’s “budget” meant safety. They created a “Joy Fund” and an “Emergency Buffer”—both needs met.

3. Create Transparent “No-Shame” Zones Agree: Any purchase over $50 gets a 24-hour “cool-off” text. No judgment, just information. For hidden debt, create space for confessing. One partner holds space while the other shares the full story—then you brainstorm together. Shame shrinks in daylight; partnership grows.

A Quiet Promise for Your Shared Future

Money is emotional oxygen. When you learn to breathe through the conversations, you don’t just balance the books—you build unbreakable trust. The couples who thrive financially aren’t the richest; they’re the ones who treat every dollar as a love note to their future selves.

Your bank balance doesn’t define your bond, but how you speak about it does. Choose curiosity over contempt, and watch scarcity turn into abundance—of money and closeness.

Take stock of one money “win” you are celebrating this month. Money doesn’t have to cause you friction. Share the wealth and deepen your understanding and connection with one another.

Stop Trying to Fix Your Relationship, Try Growing Together Instead.

Mon, 17 Nov 2025 15:06:40 GMT

When couples come to therapy, a common wish is to “fix” the relationship—to stop the fights, change the difficult behaviours, and regain what once felt easy and loving. This is a natural and understandable hope. But there’s a deeper, more transformative way to think about improving relationships: focusing on growth rather than fixing.

What Does “Fixing” Look Like?

Fixing means wanting to solve or eliminate problems quickly. It often translates into:

Trying to change your partner’s faults or habits.
Expecting the relationship to go back to how it used to be.
Seeking clear “solutions” to conflicts or pain.
Feeling frustrated when things don’t improve fast.

While fixing can help with practical issues, it can also lead to frustration if it ignores the emotional and relational layers beneath the surface.

What Does “Growing” Mean?

Growing means viewing challenges as opportunities for both partners to develop individually and together. It includes:

Learning more about yourself and your emotional patterns.
Understanding your partner’s feelings and needs with curiosity.
Building new ways of communicating and relating.
Embracing vulnerability and imperfection.
Accepting that the relationship will change, but in healthy, life-giving ways.

Growth invites couples to deepen trust and connection by exploring what their struggles reveal about fears, wounds, and unspoken desires.

Why Growth Matters in Therapy

Therapy is often the space where couples can shift from fixing to growing. Here’s why:

Growth creates lasting change. Quick fixes may mask problems; growth helps transform how partners relate at the core.
Growth builds empathy and compassion. Seeing each other’s parts and struggles invites kindness instead of blame.
Growth increases safety and intimacy. When partners grow, they create a secure “emotional home,” even amid challenges.
Growth supports individual healing. Each person’s work on their own parts ultimately benefits the relationship as a whole.

How Couples Can Practice Growth

Notice the urge to fix and pause. Instead of rushing to correct, explore the feelings underneath frustration or anger.
Use “I” statements to share your experience. For example, “I feel scared when...” instead of “You always...”
Ask gentle questions. “What do you need from me right now?” or “Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”
Be open to your own vulnerability. Admitting fears or mistakes doesn’t weaken the relationship— it can deepen connection.
Commit to learning together. Growth is a process, not an overnight fix. Celebrate small steps and be patient.

Moving from fixing to growing doesn’t mean ignoring problems; it means shifting your focus from quick repairs to deeper understanding and healing. It means seeing your relationship as a living, evolving bond that calls on both partners to show up with care, curiosity, and courage.

In therapy, this growth mindset can help couples break old patterns, repair emotional injuries, and build a partnership that feels supportive and true—even in the hard moments.

When Helping Becomes a Form of Control

Fri, 31 Oct 2025 13:15:49 GMT

Helping is often celebrated as the hallmark of compassion. Acts of generosity and care can bond people, ease suffering, and foster trust. Yet not all help is as altruistic as it appears. In certain situations, helping can serve as a subtle means of control—a way to manage, dominate, or maintain emotional leverage over others.

The Psychology Behind “Helpful Control”

At its core, controlling help arises from anxiety and fear—not malice. When someone feels uneasy about uncertainty, dependence, or vulnerability, they may rush in to “fix” things. This behaviour looks selfless but often masks discomfort with others’ autonomy.

For example:

A parent who constantly rescues an adult child from difficulties may unconsciously prevent that child’s growth.
A partner who insists on making all decisions “for your own good” may be asserting superiority under the guise of care.
A manager micromanaging employees “to help them succeed” may actually be driven by insecurity or the need to feel indispensable.

These helpers often need to be needed. Their identity and sense of worth become tied to being the rescuer or the one in control of outcomes.

Emotional Undercurrents

Helping-as-control can create emotional debt. The receiver may feel obligated, guilty, or infantilized. Phrases like “after all I’ve done for you” reveal how assistance can become a bargaining chip. Over time, this dynamic erodes equality and mutual respect. The helper gains power; the helped lose agency.

In relationships, this can lead to resentment on both sides. The helper feels unappreciated, and the helped feels stifled or patronized. What began as care turns into an invisible contract—one that limits freedom rather than nurturing growth.

Helping as Control in Romantic Relationships

In romantic partnerships, helping can morph into control when one partner habitually “rescues” the other or takes over decisions, believing they know best. This may stem from a sincere desire to protect, but over time it can infantilize the partner and undermine mutual respect.

Controlling behaviours often originate from personal insecurity or past trauma, leading a partner to seek certainty by directing the other’s life.

True support empowers: it allows the other person to make mistakes and learn from them. If partners feel controlled, they may experience resentment, loss of autonomy, or diminished self-esteem.

Fostering Authentic Support

Whether with a partner, parent, or colleague, authentic support requires choosing to empower rather than control.

Ask permission before assisting and accept refusals gracefully.
Regularly check in with yourself:
Is your help driven by a need for control, or genuine care for the other’s growth?
Does my help allow the other person to solve their own problem next time?
Am I uncomfortable when they decline my help or succeed without me?
Do I offer support or insist on it?
Is there a hidden expectation of gratitude, loyalty, or dependence?
Respect the autonomy—and the inevitable mistakes—of the people you care for.
If the drive to help feels more about easing your own discomfort than serving the others’ real needs, it may be tipping into control.

When helping is based on trust and respect, it strengthens relationships and encourages healthy, independent growth for all parties.

Shifting Toward True Support

Authentic support invites collaboration and respects boundaries. It means:

Asking before helping.
Listening rather than fixing.
Trusting others to handle their lives, even imperfectly.
Accepting that care doesn’t require control; love doesn’t require dependency.

Learning to tolerate another’s struggle is a quiet act of respect. It acknowledges the dignity and capability of the other person—qualities that control, even kindly meant, can inadvertently erase.

Seeking help for controlling behaviors in relationships is highly recommended—both for the person exhibiting controlling patterns and for anyone affected by them. Support from a mental health professional can clarify what controlling behaviours look like, uncover their emotional roots, and teach healthier ways to interact.

Why Get Help?

Many controlling behaviours stem from past experiences, unresolved anxiety, or a lack of trust – issues that often benefit from professional guidance.

Therapy provides tools for recognizing when help crosses into control, setting boundaries, and learning to process and tolerate uncertainty.

Support can also help those subject to controlling behaviours develop assertiveness and techniques to protect their own autonomy.

Benefits of Addressing Controlling Behaviours:

Improved relationship satisfaction and communication.
Greater emotional security for both partners.
Enhanced personal growth and independence.
Reduced resentment, anger, and emotional distance.

Steps to Seek Support

Consider individual counselling to explore the dynamics and triggers behind control needs.
Couples therapy can help establish healthier patterns if both people are open to change.
Educate yourself on control tactics and their impact; knowledge is empowering for setting boundaries.
Addressing control issues leads to healthier, more mutually respectful relationships—and professional help is a proven way to facilitate lasting change

How this works:

Eliza and Jeremy have been living together for 4 years. Jeremy is a helper. He is a manager at his job and he loves helping Eliza succeed by managing her finances, making decisions for the two of them by trying to “take the stress off her. At first, Eliza appreciates the support, however, over time she begins to feel smothered and disconnected from making her own choices.

She voices her discomfort and Jeremy responds, “I’m just trying to help you”. This is an example of “helping as control”. Jeremy is making the efforts, coming from a place of affection, however, it limits and overshadows Eliza’s independence and self-confidence. She is at a risk of become passive aggressive in trying to exert her independence and avoid being smothered and controlled. He is at the risk of becoming more self-preoccupied in wanting to feel needed and appreciated.

Tensions build between them.

They are becoming more distant and their unhealthy dynamic puts pressure on both of them.

Eliza complains in therapy that Jeremy’s constant help “feels controlling”. His first reaction shows his blind spots. He reacts defensively versus reflecting on why he equates helping with love. Later, he discovers that his need for control stems from anxiety about losing emotional closeness and his desire to feel needed.

With support, they start establishing new relational habits:

Communication: Jeremy practices asking, “Would you like help with that?” instead of assuming Eliaza needs it.
Responsibility: Eliza resumes control over her finances, while Jeremy focuses on being emotionally supportive rather than directive.
Honesty: They adopt “I” statements and feeling words instead of accusations —Eliza says, “I feel overwhelmed when you take over tasks for me,” while Jeremy shares, “I get anxious when I can’t contribute. Can we discuss how to balance that?”

Their Outcome

As boundaries strengthen, Eliza feels more confident, and she has some personal autonomy. Jeremy discovers that partnership doesn’t require control—it thrives on trust and mutual respect. Their relationship becomes more balanced: both individuals retain personal responsibility while feeling emotionally connected.

This transformation illustrates a crucial truth: real intimacy grows when love is expressed through respect and empowerment, not control.

The Impact of Screen Time on Couples

Tue, 28 Oct 2025 15:27:27 GMT

In today’s digital world, screens have woven themselves into every moment of our lives. From the first scroll in the morning to the last glance before sleep: our phones and tablets are shaping how couples are spending time together. Just have a look the next time you go out to dinner and see the couple both sitting on their phone while waiting for their dinner to arrive. While this technology connects partners across distances, it can also subtly erode emotional intimacy when left unchecked.

You are not alone if you’ve ever tried to talk to your partner while their eyes are glued to a glowing screen. In today’s world, screen time has quietly become the “third wheel” in many relationships.

Many folks are feeling the pang of loneliness as their partner scrolls endlessly through their feed. What we are longing for is more face-to-face conversation in those moments. This can erode emotional warmth and spark moments of disconnect.

From a therapist’s perspective, I am hearing more of this pattern, and many partners aren’t sure how to shift the habits that have become normalized and second nature.

It may seem harmless, but research shows that frequent turning towards our devices lowers relationship satisfaction, increases tension, and leaves both partners feeling unseen and undervalued. This leads to reduced attention, conflict escalation, and emotional distancing. Sometimes these habits of turning towards our screens are a “mirror “of other emotional habits i.e. partners avoiding difficult conversations or discomfort and unconsciously reaching for their phones instead of each other.

The emotional costs of constant connectivity

Excessive screen time has been linked to increased emotional disconnection and conflict between partners. When one or both people repeatedly turn to devices to escape boredom, stress, or discomfort, it often masks deeper patterns of avoidance. Over time, couples can drift from genuine intimacy into parallel living – they are there physically, however, emotionally worlds apart.

The presence of a phone – just lying on the table can change the mood and tone of a conversation. A study found that when people saw a phone nearby, they rated their interaction as less intimate and less connected than when no device was visible. This is how powerful our digital devices are shaping our ability to connect.

Social media magnifies this effect. Scrolling through endless snapshots of “perfect” relationships can cause insecurity, jealousy, and comparison. Many partners quietly wonder, Why doesn’t our connection look like that? forgetting that social media can hide the truth of what real relationships are about.

Nowadays, it is not uncommon for couples to become more distant in the bedroom. Once a refuge for physical and emotional connection, this becomes the screen zone. Partners will do some late-night scrolling to delay sleep, trying to down regulate their nervous systems from their day. These couples may share the physical space, however, are not present. Loneliness and resentment can grow even while sharing the bedroom.

Practical Strategies for Finding Balance with Technology Use

Establish screen-free zones such as the dining table and the bedroom. Make these your sacred places, a time to focus on connection without digital distraction.
Digital Detox - Choose an evening or a day or even an entire week where you don’t use your devices or phones.
Make the first hour in the morning and last hour before bed a no-screen time for better emotional attunement.
Replace “parallel scrolling” with shared screen time – watch a show or explore a topic together.
Use smartphone apps to track your screen time together and track your progress .
Communicate needs clearly and kindly. Discuss your triggers and desires in a loving way. Say “Hey, would you mind putting your phone away? I miss you and would like to hang out together.”
Use technology to nurture, not replace connection. Send thoughtful messages, flirting messages, share playlists or memes.

The Gift of Presence

Ultimately, screens aren’t the real problem— disconnection is . Technology merely illuminates our deeper relational patterns. When couples consciously choose moments of presence—silence, laughter, conversation—they reinforce the emotional glue that makes love resilient.

Yet, hope lies in awareness. The goal isn’t to demonize screens or unplug completely. Instead, it’s about understanding their real impact on our relationships and choosing moments of mindful connection.

Ultimately, the goal is to not reject screens but to reclaim Presence.

By setting healthy boundaries, scheduling shared digital experiences, and simply talking about what screen time means to each of us, technology becomes a bridge rather than a barrier. We can reclaim those precious little moments of presence that matter most. Without a phone’s glow, emotional warmth has a chance to return.

The next time your phone lights up mid-conversation, try and look into your partner’s eyes instead. This tiny act of awareness might be the most loving message you’ll ever send.

The Best Version of Yourself

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 13:22:23 GMT

Do you look inward and are you being the best version of yourself?

When we first meet, we are the best version of ourselves. We take care of ourselves and show up as our best self. In the first few weeks and months of a relationship, we are on our A game. We dress up, plan dates, show up, have fun, we listen and we are in a good mood and say yes to new experiences and adventures. We are also curious and engaged and ask questions.

Once comfortable, we stop trying and problems surface. We stop trying to be happy, present and fun. We fall back into familiar emotional patterns, some that we have learned decades ago, long before we met each other. After the honeymoon period, we relax and regress into old parts of ourselves. When we are stressed, these old patterns surface more frequently. A way to remember this is: Under Stress, We Regress. We bring our stress home to our partner while we are on our best behaviour with our co-workers and friends. Turning towards negativity, we become pessimistic, desperate and depressed. We are no longer full of life and positive.

Loving and fulfilling relationships are determined by two things: whom we choose to love and how we show up. We must strive to be the person we want to become in relationship. We can choose partners, who we think are good matches, look for important traits, raise our standards and not settle, however, if we don’t look inside ourselves and become the person, we want to be in relationship, we won’t be closer to having the relationship we want. The person that is willing to look in the mirror and grow is closer to the relationship they want to have.

Inside is a child who yearns to be loved by a partner the way a parent would ideally love us unconditionally. The truth is that romantic love always comes with conditions.

We can’t be consistently moody and stressed out and uncommunicative and expect someone to love us anyway.

We take our partners for granted, getting comfortable that are partner will never leave us. We must break old relational patterns. In the beginning we are much more able break these patterns because we are motivated by the novel and new relationship. Later, we lose the motivation because we think the relationship can stand on its own. We become complacent and fall back into familiar patterns of feeling hurt and abandoned and become walled in, shut down, protest angrily.

What if we could stay motivated for ourselves and for the relationship months and years into it?

Many of us can attract lovers. We are warm, playful, attractive and charming. We start out strong, and a few months in…we stop being playful and energetic and then fight with our partner. It can take a while for us to figure out that we are the common denominator in our relationships. With awareness, we can figure out that we have destructive relational patterns that show up when we are susceptible to stress. Most of us are unaware that are emotional states impact our relationships. However, we are responsible for the impact.

We have to bring the “light” home to our partner instead of spreading it to friends, co-workers or strangers. When we consistently give the best part of ourselves to everyone else but our partner, we destroy our relationships. We have a bad habit of taking our relationship for granted and thinking we can get away with it. Many of us forget that we need to nurture our relationship and we nurture it best when we nurture the relationship with ourselves. Our partner is not responsible for taking our stress away!

What did we see with our parents? Were they able to manage their own stress and overwhelm? Were they preoccupied with themselves and blaming their partner? Our history with our parents may have taught us how to respond to stress.

Now, we have an opportunity to do things differently. Learning the tools can help you feel more balanced. Then you can consistently bring that good energy to your relationship. Note: Sometimes you will feel stressed and feel down. The key is to not burden your relationship by not taking care of yourself and expecting your partner to deal with it. You don’t expect your co-workers to deal with it.

Begin to bring forth the higher version of yourself.

Romantic relationships are a mirror. They show us where are work lies. We all have work to do. We are all tasked at working hard to overcome behaving like a child when we are triggered and heal parts of our past. Being accountable (instead of blaming others) and learning better communication skills and implementing them are necessary. People think that if they meet the right person, or their partner finally changes…they won’t have work to do. Not true. Even with the best partner, we will still have to face ourselves and confront generations of conditioning passed down from our families and society. Conditioning that has convinced us to not be vulnerable because we might be abandoned. Conditioning that taught us that are partners are not a gift. Conditioning that the “one” will make us happy.

Choosing a partner is one of the most important decisions we will every make in our life. Just as important is choosing to show up as your best self consistently. A common reason people repeat patterns is because changing partners is not a solution. We can’t divorce ourselves. In other words, we take ourselves everywhere we go. Thus it is important to face the challenge of growing. Take care of yourself by meditating every day, exercising, and eat healthier. And cherish the people you love knowing that you could lose them at any time.

Your Wise Adult versus Your Adaptive/Wounded Child

None of us is perfect. All of us have pain and bad habits and everyone has the fear that they are not enough. Inside everyone is a scared child desperate for love and to feel safe. You also have a Wise Adult that is certain of its value and inherent worth. This is the part of us that isn’t constantly searching for control and to feel good enough. It is calm, present and confident, sometimes playful and passionate. It is the part of us that responds instead of reacting and choosing love over fear and doesn’t hold grudges. It is kind and compassionate to yourself and others. It takes risks and is willing to be vulnerable. Your best-self communicates honestly and focuses on repairing connection after conflict instead of blaming. It listens to others and sincerely apologizes when it makes a mistake. It seeks to understand others instead of judging them. It has a sense of humour and it doesn’t take itself too seriously. It knows what is best for you and knows what makes you happy and what is standing in the way of your peace. It is your most authentic self and always available to you.

The greatest battle we face is with ourselves. Moving into our Wise Adult takes discipline and takes a strong unwavering desire to be whole and be better. By searching for the wiser, kinder and more stable part of us and giving it the steering the wheel, the better our relationship to ourselves will be and the better our relationships will be. It is easier to be our Wise Adult with our friends and strangers and it becomes a whole other challenge when we are triggered by our partner or family member .

How we respond to a trigger is the ultimate test of our maturity and we will fail that test many times.

It takes concerted effort and commitment to learn to respond from our Wise Adult versus reacting form our fearful, vengeful, self-righteous Adaptive/Wounded Child. We all have pain and trauma and many of us are stuck in survival mode for so long and forgot what it is like to not have to be in survival constantly looking for security.

Our insecurities, pain and fears are part of being human. We each have a lower self that can be immature, spiteful, jealous and insecure, controlling and demanding. When we are pushed to the edge of our insecurity and when we just focus on needing to be validated and significant, we can behave in ways below are character. Our Adaptive Child will sabotage and will punish and blame our partners for feeling insecure.

Because we entered the relationship with these insecurities, we will shut down because that is what dad did. We will criticize because that is what mom did to dad and we will people-please because that is what we did as children and it worked back then. When we become a mature adult in relationship, it is crucial that we become more aware of when we are judging, reacting and experiencing our partner through our past.

Our higher self always takes responsibility for our projections and unfair blaming and punishing. In our higher self, “it is not you, it is me and it is my fear, my trigger”. With repair, we consciously say: I am sorry, I love you. This is the work we all have to do, always.

Every couple that I have worked with believes that the other partner needs to change. The secret all relationship therapists and counsellors know is that it begins with you. Be the change that you want to see in the world, said Gandhi.

Attend a Couples Weekend to learn the communication skills to enhance your relationship. Attend a Stress Detox to learn how to dissolve your stresses and hurts and live with more awareness.

Facts Versus Feelings in Relationships: Finding Balance Between Heart and Reality

Tue, 26 Aug 2025 17:41:28 GMT

When it comes to relationships—romantic, familial, or even friendships—there is an ongoing negotiation between what is true (facts) and what is felt (feelings). Both play vital roles in how partners connect, resolve conflicts, and build lasting trust. Understanding the balance between the two can mean the difference between constant misunderstandings and a relationship grounded in both honesty and empathy. Learning how to balance the two—without dismissing or overemphasizing either—can bring more peace, understanding, and intimacy.

The Role of Facts in Relationships

Facts are the anchors of reality in a relationship. They prevent conflicts from spiraling into exaggerations and help keep communication honest. Facts settle questions like:

Did you call when you said you would?
Who took care of the grocery run this week?
How often have we had quality time in the past month?

Facts are observable behaviours and protect trust because they are evidence-based and verifiable. Without them, couples risk falling into an endless cycle of “he said, she said.”

The Role of Feelings in Relationships

Relationships aren’t lived on spreadsheets. Feelings provide the emotional meaning we attach to facts. A partner may acknowledge that you did call, but still feel unheard if the conversation was short and brief. Another might recognize you helped with chores but still feel unsupported if the emotional burden seems uneven.

Feelings are not always rational, but they are always real . They show where emotional needs are being met—or left unmet. They reflect inner experiences, which matter because relationships are not just about logistics—they’re about human connection. Feelings highlight unmet needs, desires, or insecurities, offering important insight into the emotional health of the bond.

The Danger of Imbalance

Facts without feelings : A relationship becomes cold, transactional, and dismissive of emotional experience.
Feelings without facts : A relationship risks unfair accusations, blown-out-of-proportion conflicts, and mistrust.

Both extremes can damage intimacy.

How to Balance Facts and Feelings: Practical Steps

Validate before correcting
Example: Instead of “That’s not true, I did call you,” try, “I hear that you felt ignored when I didn’t call as soon as I planned to.” Then add the fact gently.
Translate emotions into needs
Feelings express pain points. For instance, “I feel like you never listen” can be reframed into, “I need more undivided attention when we talk.”
Use facts as neutral tools
Keep track of real patterns: frequency of date nights, responsibilities shared, or time spent together. Facts can shift conversations from blame to problem-solving.
Check your internal balance
Ask yourself: Am I focusing only on what “really happened,” or only on how I feel? What’s missing?
Practice empathy + accuracy
Empathy honors your partner’s feelings, while accuracy ensures the conversation stays honest. Both are expressions of respect.

Here is a scenario to balance both. Alexandra feels hurt because Jordan didn’t text back after work, even though Jordan says he was genuinely busy.

Alexandra:
“You don’t care about me. You didn’t even bother to text me back last night.”

Jordan:
(starting with validation instead of defensiveness)
“I hear that you felt ignored, and I don’t want you to feel that way. Your feelings matter to me.”

Alexandra:
“But it’s like you forgot about me completely. I was waiting and waiting.”

Jordan:
(bringing in factual clarity gently)
“I didn’t forget—I actually had back-to-back meetings and went straight to bed afterward. That’s the reason I didn’t text. The fact is, I was tied up, not ignoring you.”

Alexandra:
“I get that, but I still felt unimportant… like you weren’t thinking of me.”

Jordan:
(bridging facts and feelings)
“Thank you for telling me that. I can see how not hearing from me left you feeling unimportant. The truth is, you are important to me. Maybe next time, I can just send a quick message, even if I’m busy, so you know what’s going on.”

Alexandra:
“That would mean a lot. I don’t need a long conversation every night.”

Why This Works

Validation First: Jordan acknowledged Alex’s feelings instead of dismissing them with facts.
Facts Second: Jordan clarified what actually happened without being defensive.
Bridging Both: Jordan combined facts with empathy, offering a practical solution (a quick text).
Result: Alex felt heard, and Jordan got to share the truth. The problem shifted from blame to teamwork.

Takeaway:

When conflicts arise, remember this order of response :

Validate feelings (“I understand you felt…”).
Share facts gently (“Here’s what really happened…”).
Build solutions together (“Next time, we can try…”).

Relationships thrive when truth is upheld and emotions are honored. Facts create trust and prevent distortion. Feelings create closeness and mutual understanding. The magic happens where the two overlap: reality acknowledged, emotions validated, and needs clearly expressed.

Here is a Step-by-Step Approach to Balancing Facts and Feelings in Conflict

Step 1: Pause Before Reacting

What to do: Take a deep breath, notice if you’re about to lead with anger or defense.
Phrase to use: “I want to talk about this calmly and bring some closeness to our connection.” This is called REMEMBERING LOVE.

Step 2: Lead With Feelings

What to do: The person with the hurt shares their feelings , not accusations. Use “I feel…” instead of “You always…” .
Phrase to Use:
Instead of: “You never listen!”
Try: “I feel hurt when I’m talking with you and you are on your phone.”

Step 3: The Other Person Validates

What to do: The listener acknowledges the feeling before correcting or explaining facts.
Phrase to use: “I hear that you felt [emotion], and I understand why that hurt.”

Step 4: Clarify Facts (Gently)

What to do: The listener then adds in what actually happened (the fact), without dismissing the feeling.
Phrase to use: “Here’s what really happened from my perspective…”

Step 5: Bridge Both Sides

What to do: Link the feelings with the facts to show you value both.
Phrase to use: “I didn’t mean to ignore you, and I see that my silence made you feel forgotten. That wasn’t my intention, and I care about how you feel.”

Step 6: Offer a Concrete Solution

What to do: Together, create a small, realistic adjustment for next time.
Phrase to use:
“Next time I’ll send you a quick message when I’m running late.”
“Would it help if we schedule a set time to reconnect during the week?”

Step 7: Close With Reassurance

What to do: End the conversation by affirming care and partnership.
Phrase to use: “We’ll figure this out together. You matter to me.”

Sample Conversation Using this script above:

Partner A (Feelings):
“I felt lonely when you didn’t answer my call last night.”

Partner B (Validation):
“I hear you. I know that must have made you feel unimportant, and I don’t want you to feel that way.”

Partner B (Facts):
“The truth is, I had a work call that went late, and my phone died afterward.”

Partner B (Bridge):
“I wasn’t ignoring you, but I understand how it came across. I care about you.”

Partner A & B (Solution):
“Maybe we can text each other if something changes in our evening so we don’t feel left hanging.”

Partner B (Reassurance):
“I love you, and your feelings matter. Thanks for telling me honestly.”

Remember:

Feelings = valid (even if not factually precise).
Facts = grounding (help prevent distortions).
Both together = healthy connection

Being in love is not just about being right—it’s about staying connected. Conversations move from facts versus feelings into facts and feelings working together—the sweet spot of relational harmony.

Healing After a Betrayal

Tue, 29 Jul 2025 17:51:17 GMT

Last month, I wrote: Why Partners Cheat. This month is How to Heal from the Crisis of Infidelity or Emotional Deceit. When someone cheats in a relationship, it causes a trauma. There are three phases of working through the betrayal.

1. Crisis:

This initial phase is acute and highly charged with emotions. Due to the unstable ground and shattered trust, one should not make any decisions as our intelligent brains are offline. Any decision will come from our emotional brain and not from a truly integrated brain. During this recovery phase, the trauma is addressed along with the emotional upheaval. Partners focus on stabilizing themselves, processing the shock and begin to make sense of what happened. It often involves setting boundaries and allowing space for grief and emotional expression.

Infidelity “shatters assumptions”. The reality of the hurt partner (as they know it) is gone and may feel as though they can’t trust anything or anyone. The pain is overwhelming, often accompanied by obsessive thoughts, rage, sadness and physical symptoms like sleeplessness. The goal here is to find stability, by addressing functioning of sleeping, eating and daily tasks. Seek support from trusted friends, family or professionals to manage this acute phase. Consider carefully with whom you choose to share about the transpired events.

Understanding the injury as a trauma can help to give yourself the necessary compassion. This is a time for making sense of what happened in order to move forward.

Ask questions that are investigative versus detective. A detective question is, “Does she have bigger breasts than me, Wash she shaved? Did you go down on him?” Investigative questions are: “Did you think of me when you were together? What else are you hiding? What did the affair mean to you?" Try to sit down with your partner in a calm state and use a time-out if things escalate. If the inquiry becomes unbridled and filled with rage, you could do more harm. Get the support of a therapist to help with the questions and disclosure if necessary.

For the involved partner, your actions have caused significant pain and mistrust. Your partner is deeply immersed in their pain. You may feel eager to move forward and “make things right”. Your partner will need time to process what has happened. Therefore, stay present. Be available for your partner’s emotional responses even if they feel overwhelming. Do not try to minimize their pain or rush them towards forgiveness. Acknowledge the damage with your understanding of the impact. Do not rush this time and be patient as your partner will likely need repeated reassurance over several weeks, and months and possibly years to come.

2. Insight and Digestion:

This phase is uncovering and processing the deeper issues. Here both partners work to understand the underlying dynamics that contributed to the betrayal. This phase involves honest conversations about what went wrong, what weren’t we talking about, taking accountability and exploring patterns from each partner’s past, including family of origin. The involved partner demonstrates genuine remorse while the hurt partner continues to process their pain.

After the initial crisis, the hurt partner may need to process and organize their thoughts about the betrayal. Express your triggers through sharing versus acting them out. For example: “I am triggered right now because this reminds me of what happened.” Seek clarity and focus on understanding the timeline, scope and circumstance of the betrayal. Repeated questioning may be challenging; however, this is a necessary part of the healing process to piece together what happened and what was real. Focus on your needs and communicate them to get what you are looking for.

For the involved partner, your partner’s obsessive questioning and heightened sensitivity to triggers are natural responses to the pain they feel from the betrayal and the hurt that was caused. Providing honesty and telling the full truth with clarity is critical for rebuilding trust. This is in service to your partner’s healing. Do not withhold information and respond to your partner’s triggers with compassion and provide reassurance. For example: “I can see why this moment is difficult and reminds you of my betrayal. I imagine it brings up your mistrust of me. What can I do to help you feel more supported right now?”

Peggy Vaughan, the author of The Monogamy Myth demonstrated the critical role that talking about the affair and offering honest answers plays in healing. In her survey of 1,083 people who were recovering from infidelity, when the involved partner agreed to answer the questions, the couple stayed together 86 percent of the time. If the involved partner refused to answer questions, the relationship’s survival rate was only 59 percent.

Continue to do what is necessary, such as sharing passwords and location as well as checking in at agreed intervals.

Rebuilding cannot begin without the involved person’s continual expression of remorse even in the face of the partner’s profound skepticism. Through this phase, the involved partner must remain patient and non-defensive. Understand that an affair shatters part of the other’s world and security and probably triggered a post-traumatic response. The result is relentless thoughts like, “Who is this person, really? What are this person’s values and morals?” I thought I knew but obviously I don‘t. What can I trust now? The hurt partner will feel the stirrings of new faith only after multiple proofs of trustworthiness.

Healing cannot occur if the involved partner insists that the victim take partial blame for the affair. Among the accusations, partner’s may say things like: “You didn’t pay any attention to me,” You showed me no respect, We hadn’t had sex in six months!” If a partner strayed in the midst of difficult circumstances, it may seem unfair for him or her to take all of the blame. But he or she must. Healing requires that the involved person listen to and understand the other’s pain. Eventually the two will come together to create a new relationship but that cannot begin until the involved partner accepts responsibility without excuse or defensiveness.

At the same time, the hurt partner needs to work at not shutting the door on forgiveness. If he or she gets stuck in a position of inconsolable hurt and anger, the couple will not be able to resolve conflicts. The hurt partner must agree to co-operate as long as the involved partner is making an effort.

3. Transformation and Establishing a More Robust Relationship:

In the final phase, the couple learn and practice new relational skills to rebuild trust and create a stronger, healthier relationship than before. This involves developing transparency, practicing empathy and intentionally nurturing intimacy so that both partners can move forward – whether together or individually in a more empowered and connected way. It is usually in the last phase, after doing the therapy work, they decide if they will be together or not.

Both partners need to grasp why betrayal occurred in their relationship. It isn’t’ enough to say: “ I felt lonely,” or “I made negative comparisons” or “We spent too much time in the nasty cycle” . The couple needs to fill in the details. Why did the betrayer turn away, engage in negative comparisons, invest less in the relationship, and become less dependent on getting needs met through it? Likewise, why did the involved partner engage in thoughts unfavorable to the other’s character, blame him or her for the unhappiness, stay open to or even encourage flirtation, and give oneself permission to cross that boundary?

Only through digging into these questions will prevent future disloyalty. Upon reviewing the history off negative patterns, the involved partner must avoid accusing the hurt partner. Again, the goal is to understand what went wrong, not to shift the blame. We are the master of our actions. Accepting responsibility is part of healing.

Much of this process requires the involved partner to become more aware of their vulnerabilities. It’s essential to explore what triggered these emotional frailties during conflict within and around their relationship.

A session with Tracy and Jon revealed how his lack of openness about deep-seated needs lead to him turning outside the marriage. Because he saw Tracy’s competence and self-sufficiency, he felt unneeded and lonely, as if he were nothing but a provider to her. He was susceptible to this intense reaction because of his parents’ muted expressions of love for him as a child and gave him the sense he was unimportant and invisible. This vulnerability led him to avoid and shut down when his wife would inquire into his work stress. Because he felt unneeded and by her, he didn’t believe she really cared and shut her out.

As the involved partner takes more accountability and shows transparency for their transgressions, the hurt partner can start to identify their own defensive patterns. By reflecting on ways that he/she might have been withdrawn, been demanding or over-accommodating in response to pain in the relationship, the hurt partner can take ownership of their contribution to the relationship. These patterns may have arisen from early childhood experiences and this deeper insight can allow for more corrective experiences, such as leaning into vulnerability and finding and using their voice in a loving and firm way. This can move the hurt partner to becoming more relational and instill long term changes for the future while becoming more truthful and honest with themselves about their needs and communicate them.

For the involved partner, healing requires more than apologies – it requires transforming the patterns that allowed one to justify and contribute to the betrayal in the first place. Was it emotional avoidance, selfishness, self absorption, narcissism or lack of sensitivity and empathy for the other? Differentiating between shame (self-pity) and remorse (focused on repair) is an important relational re-patterning. Taking responsibility and owning the actions without excuses or rationalizations is exercising continued practicing empathy and accountability, along with staying with your partner in their pain rather than avoiding it.

Begin to Forgive

In the latter stage, the hurt partner accepts the involved partner’s apology and begins to forgive him or her. But this doesn’t mean the erring partner is absolved. In this context, forgiveness means the hurt partner is willing to cooperate and trust, even in the face of uncertainty and the involved partner’s occasional slipups. An “acceptable” slipup is not a return to the affair or a new indiscretion, but an invasion of the past that produces a regrettable incident. A husband might take his wife to the same restaurant he went with his lover. She knows this because she saw credit card receipts. Part of forgiveness is to acknowledge that anyone can be untrustworthy on occasion. None of us is perfect. What the involved partner did was shameful, but he or she is changing that behavior.

High Cost for Future Betrayals

The involved partner must accept that any future infidelity will mean the permanent end of the relationship. There won’t be a second chance. It is not enough that the involved partner stays true out of a sense of justice, deep empathy, and a desire to not be one of “those “people. However, based on couples work, I believe in adding a strong disincentive to straying again. The involved partner needs to know there’s a catastrophic cost to any subsequent deceit. The question is no longer, why did you have the affair? It is why don’t you have an affair? The latter answer, it is too costly!

As a couple heals and strengthens, they will move through these phases which can be cyclical, ie revisiting them again and again as needed in the strengthening process.

How long does it take to move through this healing process?

Research and experts suggest that recovering from an infidelity/betrayal can take anywhere from 18 months to 2-5 years. The most common estimate is around 2-3 years to reach a point of renewed trust and stability in the relationship especially if both partners are committed to recovery and possibly professional help.

The healing times vary based on factors of length and the type of deception/betrayal (emotional versus physical, how many affairs and what is the pattern of what went on). It also depends on the psychological development of the involved partner and the ability to be accountable, patient and transparent. Also, the prior relationship quality, each person’s commitment to their own recovery and the couple’s recovery, and how triggers and emotional pain are managed over time.

Betrayal is not the end but a potential for a new beginning for the relationship. By leaning into the discomfort, embracing accountability and developing new relational skills, couples can move beyond simply surviving betrayal to building a stronger, more intimate connection.

With the three phases, there is the transformative power of truth, patience and relational responsibility. Each partner has work to do, but together they can forge a new path toward a healthier more connected relationship.

Why Partners Cheat

Mon, 30 Jun 2025 15:12:21 GMT

As a relationship therapist, I am seeing more couples in my office with betrayals of deceit, infidelity and emotional affairs. My curiosity and compassion arises when working with these couples, helping them to move beyond the deceit and the betrayal. In the discovery process, we want to get to an understanding of how they got to this place of hurt and deceit.

Here is one of a few blog posts on Betrayal and Infidelity. This one refers to “Why Partners Cheat”.

Partners cheat for a variety of complex reasons, often involving a mix of emotional, psychological and situational facts. Cheating in relationships is influenced by both individual and cultural facts. Here are some common motivations:

Unmet Needs: Feeling emotionally or sexually unfulfilled in the relationship can lead someone to seek satisfaction elsewhere.
Anger or Revenge: Some folks cheat out of anger or as a retaliation for past hurts, such as being cheated on themselves, or being ignored for months and years.
Desire for Variety or Aliveness : Wanting new experiences, different types of intimacy and connection, or just novelty can motivate an infidelity or going outside for the marriage or relationship.
Disconnection: Emotional distance, poor communication, or feeling neglected can tempt and entice a partner more likely to cheat.
Commitment issues: Being uncertain about committing to a long-term commitment or a fear of being too intimate can lead to outside betrayal or infidelity. This is very common in young couples or pre-marital couples.
Normalization of Cheating : In some cultures, cheating may be more accepted or even expected, while in others it remains a serious taboo.
Opportunity: Sometimes cheating happens simply because the opportunity presents itself, especially if there’s a lack of accountability or integrity. Modern technology, urban living and greater social mobility increase opportunities for infidelity, making it easier for partners to meet others outside their relationship.
Childhood or Personal Baggage: Past experiences like neglect, abuse or a history of infidelity in the family can induce someone’s behaviours in relationships. From childhood, witnessing infidelity or unhealthy relationships patterns at home, can shape attitudes and behaviours in adulthood. If someone grows up in a family where dishonesty or avoidance was common, they may replicate those patterns.
Poor boundary setting: Couples often fail to discuss what is acceptable within their relationships leaving boundaries ambiguous and increasing the likelihood of misunderstanding and infidelity. There can be implicit assumptions made around what cheating “is” and what cheating “is not” without ever discussing them explicitly.
Workplace Culture: A workplace culture that tolerates or normalizes infidelity can be a significant factor in why people cheat. The workplace is a common setting for affairs, with about 30% of people who cheated saying their affair began with a co-worker. Factors such as late nights, work trips, social events, long hours of working away from families and spouses, and having close relationships with co-workers can create opportunities and temptations for infidelity. While not the only reason people cheat, a permissive or secretive work culture can make infidelity more likely.
Desire for Self-Fulfillment : In many modern societies, self-fulfillment is highly valued, sometimes even over partnership. Along with the entitlement, “I deserve to be happy”, this pursuit of happiness and fulfillment can extend to looking outside the partnership.
Low Relationship Satisfaction or Self-Worth: People who feel undervalued or unsatisfied in relationships may seek gratification elsewhere in someone that can validate their own worth.
After a Traumatic Experience or Loss : Seeking someone else or having an interaction may be an attempt to regain vitality after a trauma or loss of a loved one. Infidelities may serve as a distraction from pain or as an avoidant response to unresolved grief. While trauma or loss does not directly cause someone to have an affair, these experiences can make individuals more vulnerable to seeking comfort, excitement or escape outside their primary relationship.

As you can see, there are many reasons that people can have affairs. This is an important exploration for those that have engaged in deceitful and hurtful behaviours. Self-discovery is part of the recovery process after enduring the rupture of betrayal and infidelity.

Watch this insightful and provocative TED Talk with Esther Perel, called Rethinking Infidelity.

If you have encountered an affair or betrayal in your relationship, you may want to reach for support from a therapist. Two thirds of couples that have experienced an affair or infidelity can recover and have a stronger bond with helpful and effective therapy and support.

Watch for the next blog on The Three Stages of Healing and Recovery after a Betrayal.

Ten Myths to Debunk and Some Truths about Happy Couples

Fri, 06 Jun 2025 13:09:02 GMT

There are many myths floating around about marriage and relationships that can be detrimental and harmful to relationships. They can create unrealistic expectations and misunderstandings leaving couples down the wrong path, or worse, convince them that marriage is a hopeless cause. Good relationships can end early or fail because of these common myths. Let’s debunk them one by one.

Myth 1: Relationships should be easy and effortless.

Contrary to popular belief, all strong relationships require effort, nurturing and attention. The idea that a relationship should be easy is a misconception often fueled by an idealized portrayal of relationships.

Myth 2: Conflict is a sign you are in a bad relationship and will destroy a relationship.

Conflict is inevitable in all relationships, even when you are with the right partner. Disagreements are normal and can strengthen a relationship if handled respectfully and constructively. Conflict usually arises from failed attempts to communicate. It can also emerge from discrepancies and expectations that you may have of one another. Conflict is “growth trying to happen” and the bond can be strengthened while attempting to resolve. Avoiding conflict can build tension and distance.

Myth 3: Love is enough to keep the relationship going.

Romantic love is the chemical high and attraction that occurs with familiarity. However, sustaining a love relationship requires more – shared goals, acceptance, sustaining romantic gestures, connecting conversations. Otherwise, it becomes the endless to-do lists and limited connection. Prioritizing your relationship will keep your relationship alive versus relying on love alone.

Myth 4: If you are in relationship that needs therapy, it’s already too late.

Divorce rates are high and fewer than 10% of those couples ever talk to a professional. Couples believe that seeking couples therapy is a sign that their relationship is already beyond repair or that it is a last resort before breaking up. This myth is rooted in fears that therapy is only for failing relationships when they are in deep trouble rather than as a tool to strengthen and maintain a healthy connection.

Another fear is a fear of blame that the therapy will focus on assigning fault or making one partner feel worse, rather than fostering growth and understanding. Lastly, there is stigma and shame with seeking help, that it is a sign of weakness, not realizing that it demonstrates commitment to the relationship.

For many couples, they wait too long to seek professional help. Things have escalated or they have reached burnout or are exhausted. For many, one or both partners have already checked out by the time they reach couples’ therapy. These misconceptions can prevent couples from seeking help early, when therapy is most effective. In reality, couples’ therapy can be helpful at any stage, not just as a last-ditch effort.

Myth 5: Marriage is just a piece of paper.

There are many benefits to marriage. The psychological and physical benefits are well researched and extensive. It has been established that in developed countries, the greatest source of health, wealth, longevity and ultimate welfare of children comes from being in a satisfying and healthy marriage. Those benefits are lowered in folks where the marriage is toxic and unhealthy, especially for women.

Myth 6: Living alone with occasional relationships has the equivalent benefits to being married.

Again, research has shown that people who live alone suffer more loneliness, die sooner, are not as healthy and wealthy and recover from illness slower than people who are married. This is especially true for men because they have fewer social networks than women. When men are in a committed relationship, their social networks increase.

Myth 7: Talking about our emotional wounds only makes them worse.

Talking about your emotions is helpful because it allows you to process and release feelings that might otherwise build up and cause stress or overwhelm. Expressing your emotions can diminish the brain’s fear response, making it easier to manage difficult feelings and reduce anxiety. It also fosters connection and trust with others, which is vital for our well-being and sense of belonging.

Myth 8: Better relationships are ones in which people are independent and less needy.

Interdependence is important in relationships because it fosters mutual support, healthy communication, reciprocity and cooperation, which are essential to personal growth and success in relationships. In fact, you can attain your goals better with interdependence and being a team. Independence emphasizes self-reliance, making it on your own without the help of another and can be a lonely existence.

Myth 9: What makes us different makes us incompatible.

It is differences and diversity that encourages growth by exposing partners to new perspectives, habits and experiences, helping each other become a better version of themselves. Learning from each other’s strengths and viewpoints can improve problem solving and adaptability as a couple. Having another version of yourself will get boring after a while.

Myth 10: If you are with your soul mate, you won’t fight.

The myth is that your soul mate will bring you bliss and you won’t have fights or disharmony. The truth is that your soul mate will likely push every one of your buttons inviting you to mature and grow. Learning how to down-regulate your reactions and defensiveness while owning your triggers and vulnerabilities are mature responses to helping foster harmony and connection.

Myth 11: If you aren’t happy, you are not with the right person.

This is a set up from fairy tales and Disney. The myth is “If we were to meet the right person, we would forever be happy. If we are unhappy, we are with the wrong person”. It is unrealistic to expect the other to be responsible for our happiness and to expect constant happiness. Emotional wellness and taking good care of yourself depends on a balance of many life aspects. A strong relationship is one important part of our happiness and wellbeing but not the entirety of our happiness.

Myth 12: Romance and sex should always come naturally and be spontaneous.

In the early days of courtship, the love chemicals that coursed through our bodies and brains made romance and sex effortless due to the various hormones of oxytocin, testosterone, dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin and noradrenaline. After the waning of the hormones, romance and sexual connection requires effort and intentionality. Small gestures and shared experiences help maintain intimacy and connection. In addition, scheduling sex can help the physical intimacy.

Myth 13: Passion in a good relationship never fades.

Many believe that if passion fades, the relationship is failing. In reality, passion naturally evolves as life changes such as having children or increased work commitments. Passion can become dormant but can be rekindled with effort and attention by making time for each other, revisiting positive experiences and communicating your appreciations for each other to boost positive emotions.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Fri, 30 May 2025 15:35:33 GMT

Are you having difficult conversations that turn into more conflict and withdrawal?

It could be that you are both lacking emotional intelligence.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

In a relationship, partners are able to recognize, understand and manage their own emotions and be able to attune to their partner’s emotions. It is more than being a “good communicator”. You are attending to what is going on in you, ie noticing and naming your feelings, while making space for your partner’s experience. When emotional moments arise, you respond with love, care and attention.

Marital satisfaction goes up when partners are able to build emotional intelligence together. They tend to be able to communicate their needs more openly, have trust in their relationship, and be more emotionally connected. This can be a buffer when external life gets hard.

Couples go through rough patches and have ruptures in their connection. What makes a strong relationship isn’t the absence of conflict; it is how they handle those moments. Having emotional intelligence is having moments of frustration and negative patterns and being able to move beyond them versus getting stuck in the shame and loneliness and isolation. When couples can work through the challenges together, there is a buildup of resilience and love can grow. Managing your own emotions can slow things down, and help you to create clear communication, navigating your differences more easily.

Couples who have good emotional intelligence have a stronger foundation. They can get through disagreements without lashing out and saying hurtful things or shutting down and retreating. They show up for each other emotionally especially in stressful times.

Couples with higher emotional intelligence express their feelings in ways that are respectful and loving, helpful and constructive. They understand that each other has emotional needs and don’t always have to have them spelled out. Each partner is curious and open minded when things are tense.

Like any skill, even if you don’t have high emotional intelligence, you can strengthen yourself with practice. The more that couples strengthen their emotional intelligence and become resilient together can accelerate their learning and efficiency. It can even be fun.

How to Develop Emotional Intelligence?

1. Where there is tension, bring attention.

I love this phrase from Dr. Gabor Mate. Take a pause and turn inward. Before reacting to your partner, turn inward, take a couple of deep breaths and ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? It is very important to name your emotions. Dr. Dan Siegal, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry says: Name it to Tame it. Naming your emotions gives you a better chance of regulating yourself and responding to your partner. I encourage individuals to name the raw emotions: fear, sadness, anger, joy, love, disgust. Inside Out”, the Pixar film highlights the brain and emotions. It is a well-researched film, great for learning about the brain for both kids and adults. The characters are also quite adorable and endearing.

2. Listen and understand, don’t defend.

When your partner is talking, hold off on giving your rebuttal or advice or counterpoints. Mirror back what they are saying. Chris Voss, a retired FBI hostage negotiator, used this technique when listening to the hostage taker. Saying a few words back them, “I am hearing this…. from you, helped to develop rapport and usually resulted in the hostage taker surrendering or giving up the hostages and the need for a ransom. This can be a useful and valuable tool for helping your partner feel connected while being seen and heard.

3. Validate before problem solving.

Problem solving or trying to fix your partner before hearing their point of view might turn into an argument. They may not want a solution; they just want to feel heard. Ask your partner, “how do you want me to respond”? Validating them, ie “I can see where you are coming from” can be more powerful than offering your best solution or advice.

4. Call a Time Out when emotions run high.

When the conversation starts to escalate, take a time out. Have a calm discussion and pre-arrange what your time out looks like. This protects your partner from thinking that you are walking out on a conversation. Use the code word, Time Out or the hand signal “T” to represent you are getting “flooded emotionally” and need a break to calm down. Regroup after a few minutes with cool heads and be able to reconnect safely. If either of you needs more time, be respectful and check in with each other when things feel calmer. This skill can save hurtful words and doing more relational damage.

Discover serenity and clear your body and brain at the next Stress Detox in Calgary. This immersive experience, will offer you restfulness in the body and ease in the mind, a relaxing approach to learning how to become more emotionally intelligent, promoting self-care and enhancement of your relationships.

Are You Having Trouble Setting Boundaries? Learn About Requests versus Boundaries versus Ultimatums

Mon, 17 Mar 2025 18:31:54 GMT

Like many of us, I grew up in a family where there weren’t a lot of boundaries or assertiveness in requests. Rigid controlling behaviours were there instead of healthy boundaries. Here are some tips that I have learned about relationships and setting these boundaries. People have better relationships when there are healthy boundaries. And making requests, gives the other party the opportunity to meet us in our needs.

Read on to better understand the difference between a request, a boundary, and an ultimatum.

Requests and boundaries are both skills we can use to meet our needs.

When we make a request , we ask someone else to do, or not to do, something in order to meet our needs. For example: “Would you mind speaking to me more calmly? I can hear you better.”

Requests ask someone else to change their behaviour⁠—and they may or may not do so. For this reason, requests are fundamentally unenforceable; the outcome is out of our control. Therefore, the practice here is to let go of the outcome.

Meanwhile, when we set boundaries , we are making clear what we will or won’t tolerate. For example: “I can’t continue the conversation when you raise your voice at me.” or I won’t be able to stay in this relationship if you continue to have affairs.”

The trick to boundary setting is that it is only meaningful if we enforce it—so, enforcing this boundary would mean leaving or ending the conversation when the other party raises their voice or ending the relationship if the other party continues to have affairs.

When we set a boundary, we are making clear what our actions will be. For this reason, our boundaries are fundamentally enforceable and the outcome is entirely within our control.

When should we use which?

The First Course of Action: Requests

First we must recognize we have a need in our relationship and then put forth the request. By making a request, we give the other party the opportunity to meet us.

If the other party is receptive to our request, we should offer a window of time for them to shift their behavior. Maybe we ask a partner to show us more love and affection through hugs and kisses. If the partner is willing, we can observe over the course of a few weeks how their willingness to say “I love you” or offer a hug or a kiss increases. Being specific and concrete about the kind of action will also help them come through for you. I call this Setting them up for Success. Furthermore, giving praise and appreciation upon seeing the change in behaviour will keep the new actions coming. Who doesn’t like praise and gratitude! This is positive reinforcement.

The Second Course of Action: Boundaries

If we make a request and the other party is unwilling or unable to meet it, we have to accept their response or answer. We cannot force more from someone or control anyone who is unable or unwilling to give more. We have to release the illusion that, if we only ask again for the 10th time that they will become receptive to our needs.

Thus we have two choices.

We can radically accept that their behaviour is unchanging and that our needs will not be met—and we can choose to stay in that situation as it is OR
We can set a boundary.

When we set a boundary, we ask ourselves: How close and connected am I willing to be with this person who is unable or unwilling to meet my needs?

If a person regularly hurts us with their behaviour and they’ve been unreceptive to our requests to change; we might take greater distance and space from them or end the relationship altogether. We also might stop doing things for them, ie doing their laundry, making meals or sleeping in the same bed.

Here’s an example: when the person continues to disappoint us by not offering as much love, affection, time, or help as we’d like, we acknowledge that this relationship in its current form isn’t working for us and then choose to take space as indicated above or end it entirely.

“But that sounds like an ultimatum. What’s the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?”

The area between boundaries and ultimatums can be quite blurred. The distinction lies in our tone, intention, and mindset when we say it.

A boundary is about our own limits, whereas an ultimatum is specifically designed to control somebody else. Ultimatums focus on others’ behaviour, not our own.

Here is an example: Your boundary might be, “I’m unhappy and dissatisfied in a relationship where I’m not shown affection. I am unable to be in one without it.”

Perhaps you communicate this to your partner in a conversation about the state of your relationship. Then it’s followed by a conversation about what “affection” means to you and how that need can be met. Or, maybe you leave it at that, and your partner gets to decide how they will respond.

Whereas an ultimatum might be something you say at the end of a huge fight: “ If you don’t start stepping up, telling me you love me, and showing me the bare minimum of kindness, I’m out of here!” You slam the door as you leave.

As we can see in the latter case, you’re trying to get your partner to change and your tone is one of anger, control and harshness.

The danger people have in giving ultimatums is that they don’t enforce them, which highlights their true intentions and attempts to control others’ behaviour instead of genuine attempts in helping to get our needs met.

Why Do We Get Stuck Making Repeated Requests?

Some of us never cross the bridge from requests to boundaries. We stay stagnant in the same situations, making the same requests repeatedly.

There are a few reasons for this:

We don’t believe our needs are valid or important enough to warrant setting boundaries around them. We have a poor self-esteem or poor image of ourself and feel unworthy
We’ve been told our needs are unreasonable, and so it seems too “demanding” to set a boundary around them
We’re afraid and avoiding the grief that will arise when we accept that a) the other person isn’t changing and b) setting a boundary may mean stepping back from this relationship

Grief is an immense part of the boundary-setting process⁠ and often gets overlooked. While setting boundaries is a self-respecting and a powerful thing to do, it is often accompanied by some loss and sadness. In order to effectively set boundaries, we must accept this portion of the process. Mature adults know that they must grieve and realize that “we don’t get everything we want” or “make the choice to grieve while ending the relationship”.

Setting and enforcing our boundaries means accepting the limits of our control and releases any illusion of control that keeps us stuck in unchanging situations.

Tony Robbins confirms this with his statement: You have three choices: Change your Life, Change your Attitude or Be a Victim. Any change can be hard, however, it can also be worth it when we learn to help ourselves in healthy and assertive ways.

Is it Love or Infatuation?

Thu, 13 Feb 2025 15:58:22 GMT

In the spectrum of romantic relationships, there are four levels. The first stage is a crush . In this stage, you feel warm inside while hanging out with a man or a woman who pays attention to you, looks sweetly at you, smiles at you or who is kind to you. You find that you like each other. This is a crush and it passes away with time. It doesn`t stay strong and there is no significant bond there.

Adapted from Sri Krishnaji – Co-founder of Oneness and World Centre for Enlightenment. Author of Four Sacred Secrets: For Love and Prosperity

Second Stage: Infatuation

The second kind of experience is an experience of infatuation. Infatuation is when you begin to obsess over someone. You are constantly thinking about them and you desperately want them to think about you. You are fantasizing and daydreaming about them. You want them to fantasize and daydream about you also. It is a state of euphoria and a great deal of chemistry gets engaged along with neediness and anticipation.

When do you become infatuated? You become more infatuated more often when you are feeling low. For example, you are not feeling good or good enough. You are not happy and may be feeling lonely. Then someone comes along and gives you attention. In this low, you have a bleeding heart and a suffering mind of hurt and loneliness. With this emptiness and unworthiness throughout your life, you will keep falling in and out of infatuation.

What is infatuation centred on? It is centred around the “I”. With all your fantasies and imaginations, the “I” is becoming bigger and bigger. With the “I”, you are deriving pleasure by imagining how important and how significant you are for each other. And there is a lot of bitterness when your infatuation is not reciprocated. It can turn to hate.

Third Stage: Heartfelt Connection

The third stage, is an important one. This is discovering a Heartfelt Connection. Only with a Heartfelt Connection do enduring relationships and nurturing relationships begin. In this stage, you have had some awakening where your heart has opened to feeling what the other is feeling. Even though there are moments you are centred in yourself, there are numerous moments in this relationship where you are centred in the other, where you feel what the other is feeling. You feel the other’s joy, you feel the other’s sadness and you feel the other’s anxiety. You are sensitive. You want to bring joy to the other from this space of sensitivity. You want to bring the other out of their inner unhappiness. It is an experience of fullness and ease.

When you awaken to heartfelt connection, you feel it with your romantic partner intensely, but also with your mother, your father, your best friend; because you as a human being are now transformed. You are different as a human being. You are not isolated. You have gone past the boundaries of selfishness. Hence your heart has flowered.

Fourth Stage: Love

The most important level, the fourth level is what could truly be called Love. And this is an enlightened consciousness. You are free of the tendency of the mind to obsess over oneself. When you are able to be: more in the now, then the other person looks like a miracle. You celebrate your beloved. You don’t celebrate them because just because they are special or because they are not flawed. You celebrate them because your awareness is so magnificent. You frequently have moments of wonderment and marvel and an immense sense of preciousness.

Since this is an enlightened consciousness, you would feel this in an intimate relationship and you will also feel this marvel when you look at the clouds hanging over a mountain.

You may feel this when you are sitting under an ancient tree. You could feel this when you are truly observing a homeless person. So, this is the evolution of Love.

Take a look and see where you are and take your Evolution further. Be honest and truthful where you are. Krishnaji says: “If you don`t know how to love, you have not lived at all”.

Join me for a Stress Detox Weekend , May 3-4, 2025 in Calgary. Become free of stress and hurt and live a beautiful life with your intimate other or a future one! Happy Valentine’s Day.

If You Want to Stop Arguing All The Time, Avoid These Mistakes.

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 20:27:42 GMT

A couple trudged into my therapy office, slumped down in their chairs and glared at one another. The tensions were high and the emotions were charged. This couple in their 40s had yet another fight on the way to their appointment. This fight was a continuation of something that started last night, but the truth was they had variations of the same argument for the last five years.

“I’ve asked you to be kinder, but you speak to me with such contempt and attack me,” he complained.

“But you’re doing things that upset me,” she counter-claimed. “What am I supposed to do?”

They were at impasse and falling into this unhealthy dynamic over and over by making three common mistakes made by couples. What are these mistakes? Could knowing them transform your relationship?

Mistake #1: “You change”

It is easy to have a long list of what your partner could do differently and a short list of your own. Perhaps yours is completely blank or full of hopeless ideas like “give up.” Unfortunately, pointing out your partner’s shortcomings does not encourage change. In fact, this only produces defensiveness and a counter-attack. Normally, I encourage couples to step into each other’s shoes and look at the world from there. However, once you reach impasse, you may be too angry to make this leap into the other’s world.

Mistake #2: Protest louder

If you can’t get through to your partner, you may wonder, why not raise the stakes? Perhaps they will finally understand and take you seriously? So, you shout louder, throw a bigger tantrum, or move from sniping to sarcasm and onto nasty name-calling. Other versions involve bringing in the opinions of others to back you up, bringing up past offences and punishing your partner by refusing sex or intimacy. Unfortunately, couples end up debating alternative narratives, building their case against their partner.

Mistake #3: Flee and pursue

At some point, one partner will check out. This could be physically walking away, internally shutting down, or people-pleasing (ie agreeing to anything to end the argument while being full of resentment or giving an empty apology). Sometimes clients will simply beg their partners to stop. Not surprisingly, the other partner does not feel heard and concludes that nothing will ever change. So they prevent the fleeing partner from leaving, following them to the next room or they resume the fight a short time later.

How to break the impasse

1. Consider that each of you have different perspectives and both of you are right.

It is easy to fall into black and white concepts of right and wrong, win and lose. Instead of this comparative thinking, embrace something called contemplative thinking. Instead of “yes but,” switch to “yes and,” which does not negate your partner’s position. Once you accept you are both right and two realities can co-exist, you open up to creative solutions: “What can we do differently?” “How can we make this better?”

2. Look deeper into the dilemma.

Ask yourself, “What is this argument really about?” If you both feel so strongly, it must be something important and that normally goes back to your childhood. So, tell each other what past trauma has been reactivated and what the longing you carried in from childhood. This is especially true if you are having the same argument over and over. If you need help with this, find a trauma informed therapist.

3. Stay in the crucible of conflict longer.

It is natural to want to exit conflict as equally as possible but it takes time to go through. Don’t put pressure on yourselves. It will normally take several discussions, maybe over several days. So learn to feel more comfortable with uncertainty and agree to keep talking and listening with ease.

4. Become vulnerable with each other.

Instead of showing your armor, speak about what you find difficult. Remember to use “I” statements. For example: “I feel anxious” rather than “You make me feel anxious.” Make sure to use feeling sentences versus covert blame sentences. “I feel scared when I see you walk out of the room versus “I feel like you don’t listen to me”.

5. Find similarities and build on those.

It is helpful to remind each other of what you agree on. For example: “We both want the best for the children” or “We are both feeling overwhelmed.” If you address the better part of your partner rather than attack their flaws, it is easier to build cooperation and collaboration. Remember to see the good in one another and have some faith.

6. Keep going through.

Once you stop pushing your particular solution, another way will slowly emerge. If you are still stuck, it could be that you need to return to the previous steps and do some more talking and a lot of listening. When you both feel truly heard and understood, you will be ready to move forward. The solution comes out of the conflict through deep listening and validation.

Are you ready for intimacy this holiday season? How to Stress-Proof Your Relationship!

Fri, 13 Dec 2024 16:30:33 GMT

With the holiday season upon us, aliveness and energy is in the air. The season can also be fraught with frenzy and heightened emotions. It is not uncommon for couples to be overwhelmed or disconnected during the holidays, especially if one or both of the partners gets triggered by certain events. The added stress can create relationship strife and difficulties.

It is wise to come up with a plan to help one another navigate the inherent stresses that arise in the holiday season. Being prepared and invested in these concrete tips will provide the connection and intimacy each of you desire.

Misunderstandings and poor communication can often arise between partners especially when we have different needs. One partner may be happy to hang out with the family all day and drink egg nog while the other may need to get outside, get some fresh air and participate in a ski or a nature walk. Communicate your needs and desires upfront before spending time with the family and assuming the other will want to do what you want. Talking about each of your needs ahead of time will manage expectations and avoid the pain of feeling disappointed or hurt.

Strengthen your relationship and remember that you are a team! The goal is to collaborate and compromise when needed. Perhaps you are hosting this year and guests will be coming over to the house. Communicate who is going to do what and which tasks each of you want to take on. Be sure not to keep score, as this can lead to resentment. It is important that each partner feels the responsibilities are balanced. When necessary, modify the plans to avoid getting overwhelmed and flooded with emotions and reactivity. Take the time to check in with one another, without trying to manage or fix the other.

Give small gestures of appreciation. This will go a long way in strengthening your relationship. We all want to be acknowledged for our efforts. A great way to relieve stress and stay connected is to share compliments, and gratitude and appreciation. Make an extra effort to notice the small things your partner does such as grocery shopping, wrapping gifts, taking out the trash or making time for you. Verbalize your appreciation.

Most importantly, try to schedule private time to connect. Of course, it may be difficult to get away from family and friends during a busy holiday season, but making intentional efforts to spend a few hours or an evening together will have you feel calmer and loved. Engaging in a cuddle, sitting in front of the fireplace or going for a walk will do wonders for your connection. These important quality time activities are meaningful and restorative.

Having a plan helps you spend less time in stressful states and more time enjoying company with your loved ones. We wish you a joyous holiday season!

Five Winning Strategies for a Healthier, Happier Partnership

Tue, 29 Oct 2024 17:28:39 GMT

In one of last articles, I outlined Five Losing Strategies which are destructive and damaging to your relationships, especially in our close loving partnerships. Here are Five Winning Strategies that Terry Real, creator of Relational Life Institute describes.

1. Go After What You Want – Express Your Needs

Express what you want and need and be assertive about getting it. Terry Real calls it “daring to rock the boat”. This can be scary especially if one of your early childhood behaviours was to be a people pleaser, or accommodator, thinking that I will be loved if I go along with everything. Therefore it can be terrifying to rock the boat and go for what you want. However, there are two things to consider. Firstly, it is your birthright to be in an equal cherishing relationship in which both partner’s needs are met. The second thing to realize is that if you do not find your voice and speak up for your needs and wants, resentment begins to grow, and resentment is a poison that slowly erodes the love between you and your partner.

Sometimes we have this idea that we should not have to ask for what we want and need and that our partner should just know what our needs are if he/she really loved us. Our partner is not a mind reader. We set them and ourselves up for failure with this mindset and attitude!

Furthermore, help your partner to succeed by telling him or her up front what you want instead of waiting for them to fail. Be encouraging and affirm your partner’s efforts by giving positive feedback. Terry Real calls this “celebrating the glass being 15% full”. If the glass was 5% full beforehand, this is a reason to celebrate and thus encourage your partner to keep going. With our children, we naturally do this. If your son or daughter made an improvement in school from a D to a C, you give them positive reinforcement to keep going and to eventually get to a B.

2. Speak to Make Things Better

Speak to your partner with love. Before you speak, drop down into your heart and speak from there. If you are too triggered to do that, take a time out until you are able to interact from a more centred place. Remind yourself that you want to speak to make things better, not worse. Learn how to be assertive and loving at the same time. Make sure your partner knows that you love them and that you also want them to have respect for your needs and feelings.

Make very clear requests using I-statements. There is nothing you need to say that cannot be phrased as a subjective I statement. This helps us to stay away from judgments and accusing the other person.

Speak respectfully and be prepared that not all your requests will be met. You could say “I would like to talk to you about… Is this a good time?” We need to be able to also tolerate small disappointments. Your partner might reply, “I am too tired right now. Can we talk about this tomorrow?” Terry Real even takes it so far as to say we need to “celebrate the no”. Celebrating the no means to be proud of your partner when they say “no”. This means they are taking care of themselves. Thus you are adaptable and grown up, noting that you don’t get everything you want when you want it.

3. Listen to understand

Before we can respond, we need to really listen. Getting defensive or responding with a rebuttal, whether that is outloud or inward is not true listening. We need to put our own self and feelings aside while we are listening. Listening is also not about arguing about the facts and wanting to be right. Wanting to be right is one of the Five Losing Strategies . Listening means entering into your partner’s subjective experience. Ie What they feel and how they perceive things? Be a friendly interviewer who really wants to understand the perspective of the other.

Remember that as a couple, you are in each other’s care. In other words, Terry Real’s analogy is that you are at the customer service or support desk. When a customer complains that their toaster does not work, they don’t want to hear from you that your kettle isn’t working. Your only concern is to listen and tend to their issue in that moment in time, until it is your turn. When your partner comes to you in a state of upset or disharmony, you are at their service.

Remember that everyone is rational to themselves. Their feelings and interpretations of reality make sense to them. It is your duty to be curious about what makes sense to them. You can help your distressed partner to get back into harmony and closeness with you because it is good for your relationship and is also good for you. Terry Real calls this “enlightened self-interest”.

4. Respond with Generosity

Our first impulse might be to deny that we have done something or to explain why we have done something, or look how many times I did this other thing. That way of responding is termed “leading with an argument”. Instead, acknowledge your partner’s experience or feelings and take responsibility for your part in the issue. You might need to respond with an apology or at least an honest acknowledgement of their subjective reality.

This disarms your partner, deescalates the conflict, and allows you to make a repair. Terry Real calls this skill “relational jujitsu”. You don’t oppose the force. You yield to the energy coming at you and turn it into a more harmonic energy. Admittedly, this is not an easy feat to accomplish, because we have been taught to respond to power with equal or greater aggression. When we meet aggression and respond with generosity, gentleness and kindness, the aggression falls away.

On the side of the partner who receives an apology or an attempt to improve, “responding with generosity” means to gracefully accept their bid or repair. This is not the moment to be picky. Take it in. You might not get all you wanted, but if you get 70% of what you have been asking for, that is a sign that your partner wants to cooperate and return to peace. Accept their offering. Respond with a “thank you” for listening to you and meeting your requests. Remember to celebrate them 15% more than before.

The next step is to ask what you can give your partner? Find out what they need from you to make the changes you have asked for. You are on the same team, so you want to help them come through for you. This is relational empowerment rather than personal empowerment. Our society tends to encourage personal empowerment at the expense of our relationships. I am of course not saying that our personal growth and empowerment is not important, but we need a balance in order to live well and have functioning relationships.

5. Cherish what you have

Cherishing is a powerful change agent. Terry Real believes “this one winning strategy is equal in potential to all of the other strategies combined”. The best way to get more of what you want in a relationship is by appreciating what you are already getting. What we give energy to, or pay attention to grows and becomes more. We have the choice to focus on the steps forward and on the progress.

Why is this sometimes so hard?

Real intimacy, closeness and vulnerability can be scary for many of us. Fights can serve as a way to remain distant from one another. Complaining about what we are not getting helps to keep the distance between us and our partner, instead of truly opening up our heart and acknowledging everything we are getting. Fights keep us tied into each other but at a certain distance. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Fights are an opportunity to experience that the other one cares enough to be triggered by us and to feel close but not so close and enmeshed that it creates fear or panic. Those inner child can feel too vulnerable, so instead of fighting, try expressing these vulnerable feelings to your partner. Intimacy requires vulnerability. Fighting keeps us from being intimate. Take the emotional risks that so you can have the closeness you want.

Terry Real calls the lack of gratitude towards our partner “having ADD, Appreciation Deficiency Disorder”. Our world is plagued with this. We tend to notice more of what is not going well instead of appreciating what is going well. The ratio of negative feedback to positive appreciation is often out of balance in relationships. We need to engage in active appreciation several times each day and express it.

Once our partner starts to give us more of what we have asked for, the challenge is to receive it gracefully and to cherish what we are getting. So if you hear yourself disqualifying what they are giving, e.g. “you are not doing it right”, or “you are only doing it because I asked for it”, or “you are doing it now but you didn’t do it then or you won’t do it in the future”, be curious about what is actually going on. Do you have a wall around not letting in the progress?

Sometimes we also have an attachment or belief system that keeps us from having happy and healthy relationships. We do something that Terry Real calls “keeping a parent spiritual company” by living in the same world they live in, e.g. being mistrustful like your father, or being passive aggressive or resentful like your mother. Perhaps you are over identified with independence like your father, or overemotional like your mother, or too easygoing and disconnected from our own needs like your father and so on. When we try to move beyond that it might feel disloyal to the respective parent.

At other times, we might be invested in not wanting to be like one (or both) of our parents at all costs. For example, not wanting to take advantage of your spouse like you experienced your mother doing, or not wanting to abuse power like your father did and so on. When we identify with the opposite of an energy we are equally not whole and not able to create a balanced relationship. Moving into happiness in all those cases is synonymous with separating from our family.

If you dare to move beyond your parents and you dare to be happier, more vulnerable and more intimate than they were able to be, you are forging into new territory for your whole ancestral line. You are also changing the future for your children and grandchildren and sparing them from their misery. Thus you are giving them a different legacy and showing them how to have real and intimate connections.

Take the next step and try out a few of the winning strategies. You alone, can make a difference for you and your relationships. It is worth it!

Are you a blamer? Here’s how to stop the Blame Game

Wed, 18 Sep 2024 13:36:09 GMT

Blaming is a natural human tendency. When something bad happens, the first thing we want to know is, “whose fault is it?” Dr. Brené Brown considers why we blame others, how it sabotages our relationships, and why we desperately need to move beyond this toxic behavior. Watch her short on blaming below.

Blaming provides us with a means to discharge our pain, and makes us feel as though we have some grasp of control on a negative situation. While it may feel good to release anger by blaming others, it hurts our relationships with those around us, and makes it difficult for us to hold people accountable for their actions. As Brené explains in the video, blaming has an inverse relationship with accountability.

Here is a toxic example of an interaction between a couple:

Melissa : The house is a mess! We have company coming over in an hour, Craig. I thought we agreed that you would tidy up the kitchen once you got home from work. I can’t believe how careless you are!

Craig : I had a bunch to do at work today. I work long hours to put food on the table for our family while you stay at home all day! I don’t see why you didn’t have time to clean.

So what is happening here? It is not surprising that Craig reacts defensively considering how Melissa delivered her blatant criticism. While it’s reasonable that Craig would defend himself, research shows that this rarely results in the desired outcome. Defensiveness doesn’t make the attacking partner back down or apologize. In fact, most of the time it will escalate the argument even further.

This is because defensiveness is really an underhanded way of blaming your partner. When Melissa confronts Craig about his lack of housework, Craig responds with a counterattack about how Melissa stays at home all day. In other words, Craig is telling Melissa, “the problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Furthermore, defensiveness and blaming lead to missed opportunities for an empathic and emotional connection. When we are listening with the intent to determine who’s at fault, we are not truly listening with empathy. This is problematic because empathy is crucial to feeling heard and understood in relationships.

The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility, even if for only part of the problem. By holding ourselves accountable for our actions, we open the door to make the changes necessary to better ourselves. When we respond defensively by blaming, we slam that door shut, and give up our power to change.

Here’s how Melissa and Craig could say things differently:

Melissa : I’m really upset about how messy the house is. I thought we agreed that you would tidy up the kitchen once you got home from work.

Craig : I’m sorry, dear. I did agree to clean the kitchen. We still have an hour until company comes over so I’ll start washing the dishes. Would you help me out by drying the dishes with me?

In this interaction, Melissa avoids using criticism, and Craig accepts responsibility for his actions instead of blaming his partner.

Many of us don’t realize that negative comments may actually contain hidden pleas for connection. Harville Hendix says: that “behind every negative complaint is a wish.” Before rushing to respond defensively, pause and think about what your partner is trying to communicate. Practice accountability in your relationships with others. You might be surprised by how it increases your capacity for empathy and reconnection.

Top 5 Benefits of Communication Workshops for Couples

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 19:11:20 GMT

Many couples looking to boost their relationship sign up for couples' communication workshops. These sessions offer practical strategies and tools to help partners connect, enhance communication, and manage conflicts.

With a structured approach to developing relationship skills, these workshops help build better interactions and relationship satisfaction.

Keep reading to learn the top five advantages of communication workshops for couples and how these sessions can improve your relationship.

Benefit #1: Stronger Understanding

Communication workshops help partners understand each other's perspectives. Through guided exercises and interactive discussions, partners learn to express their thoughts and listen more attentively.

These workshops offer techniques for empathizing with each other’s viewpoints, helping to reduce misunderstandings. By focusing on open dialogue, partners can fix gaps in their communication.

Benefit #2: Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict resolution techniques can prevent misunderstandings from escalating, helping partners address issues constructively. When couples resolve conflicts well, they strengthen their bond, promoting a healthier partnership.

In communication workshops, you can learn valuable skills that improve the way you handle disagreements, such as:

Negotiation: Finding common ground and reaching mutual solutions.
Compromise: Balancing each partner’s needs while staying fair.
De-escalation: Calming heated discussions and preventing conflicts from getting out of hand.

Benefit #3: Deeper Emotional Connections

Couples communication workshops guide partners in sharing their true feelings and vulnerabilities, enhancing empathy. As couples improve their emotional expression, they strengthen their emotional intimacy.

Couples who build strong emotional connections often feel more satisfied in their relationship and find it easier to handle the tough times. They typically manage stress and conflicts better, making them feel more fulfilled in their partnership.

Benefit #4: Enhanced Trust and Transparency

When couples engage in open emotional sharing, they build greater credibility with one another. Honesty helps address past issues and fix misunderstandings. By being transparent, partners show they are trustworthy and committed to each other’s well-being, instilling security and strengthening trust in their relationship.

Benefit #5: A Preventative Measure for Future Issues

Attending communication workshops can help prevent future relationship issues. By learning effective communication techniques and recognizing potential challenges early on, you and your partner can build a stronger foundation for your relationship. These workshops give you the skills to handle conflicts before they escalate, helping you avoid many common or repetitive problems.

Long-Term Benefits

Maintaining strong communication comes with significant long-term benefits. It promotes a healthier, more resilient relationship by ensuring you and your partner continue connecting and resolving issues.

Over time, these habits bring you greater understanding, a stronger emotional connection, and a happier partnership. Your ongoing commitment to open communication can help you proactively navigate future challenges.

Take Charge of Your Relationship’s Future Today With The Love of Attraction

Ready to enhance your relationship and experience these benefits firsthand? Consider enrolling in couples counselling with The Love of Attraction in Calgary.

Our communication workshops will help you and your partner build a deeper connection, improve conflict resolution, and strengthen trust with the tools and confidence to tackle future challenges.

Emotional Ramifications of Divorce and How a Couples Retreat Can Help

Thu, 18 Jul 2024 17:44:28 GMT

The emotional challenges of divorce often lead to stress, anxiety, depression, and loneliness. To address and heal these emotional wounds, a couples retreat offers a supportive and nurturing environment, providing tools and therapies to help individuals navigate this difficult transition.

Keep reading to learn the emotional ramifications of divorce and how attending a couples retreat is the first step towards saving your relationship.

Understanding the Emotional Toll of Divorce

Understanding the impact of divorce can improve how you manage and heal from the agony.

The Burden of Stress and Anxiety

Going through a divorce is an intense experience. The uncertainty of what's to come, financial worries, and the pain of separation can negatively impact your mental health and daily routine.

According to stats from the Canadian Chronic Disease Surveillance System, approximately 8.7% of Canadians will experience generalized anxiety disorder at some point in their lives. Divorce, as a major life event, can trigger or exacerbate such disorders, leading to increased emotions among those going through the process.

The Darkness of Depression and Loneliness

After a divorce, it's common to feel lost and alone. The heartache of divorce and the weight of depression can be crushing. You may struggle to find joy in things you used to love, feel disconnected from others, or have trouble sleeping.

The Impact On Children and Family Dynamics

Separation is never just about two people; it affects the entire family. Children may feel lost, confused, and abandoned as their family dynamic changes. The emotional scars of divorce can linger long after you sign the papers, impacting their relationships and well-being for years.

What is a Couples Retreat?

A couples retreat is an opportunity to hit the reset button on your relationship and move out of your pain. It allows you to slow down, focus on each other, and work through your problems. It’s an experiential workshop on learning skills and rituals for connection.

Our retreats offer a safe, responsive space to practice effective communication, rebuild intimacy, and reconnect. Every moment can help heal your pain and bring you closer together.

How a Couples Retreat Can Save You From the Devastation of Divorce

These 2.5-day events can help you revive the love and connection that first brought you together and avoid the despair of divorce . Here’s what you can expect:

A Safe Space for Open Communication

A couples retreat empowers you to talk to your loved one without fear of judgment, interruptions, or distractions. It helps you feel comfortable opening up and sharing honestly as you work through your feelings together and emerge stronger.

“ Thank you very much for creating such a safe and caring environment for us to do our work and internal growth over the weekend in Banff. We cannot express to you enough how much we appreciated everything about it and the wonderful gifts that we both received from one another in the process. " — Anonymous .

Therapeutic Interventions and Healing Practices

When you and your partner struggle to keep your love alive, it's easy to feel stuck and unsure of where to turn. Our retreats offer therapeutic interventions to help you process feelings, develop coping strategies, and heal from past wounds.

Our retreats offer experiential workshops focusing on learning skills and rituals for connection. People continuously comment on how they see significant improvements in their mental health and relationships.

Rebuild Trust and Intimacy

We offer exercises and activities that help you reconnect deeper, enhance trust, and build intimacy. You'll learn to rekindle your spark and move forward with renewed commitment and understanding.

Financial Costs and Long-Term Benefits of Divorce vs. Couples Retreats

Divorce can be financially draining, with court costs, legal fees, and the potential division of assets. Attending an intimacy retreat, while still an investment, can be a more cost-effective solution.

There are many long-term benefits of choosing a couples retreat over divorce. Partners attending these getaways describe having improved mental health, higher relationship satisfaction, and a better quality of life. By investing in your relationship, you and your spouse can experience lasting positive change.

Take the First Step in Saving Your Marriage

Love of Attraction’s transformative weekends can give you and your spouse the space and support to break through challenges and build a stronger, more loving connection.

With interactive exercises and expert coaching, you'll leave feeling refreshed and equipped to tackle whatever comes your way. Whether navigating the ups and downs or enjoying the beauty of your love, our retreats can improve (and save) your relationship.

What to do When You Get Stressed

Tue, 25 Jun 2024 13:17:53 GMT

Under stress, we move into doing and saying things that are often unskilled and immature. These behaviours can cause harm to another and erode relationships over time. It is not that we are uncaring in those times; rather, the stress responses mean we have reached an unhealthy capacity or emotional limit.

When unresourced, the energy needed to “tame” our emotions to things that are upsetting and frustrating is low.When the fuel tank is low, it’s important to refuel in order to find the energy you need to keep going in a positive direction emotionally. Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of a blow up or someone losing their cool. For the person acting out, it can feel shameful and regretful and ultimately hurts our relationships.

Here are a few tips on what to do when you find yourself in a stressful place.

Breathe

When you find yourself in a stressful state, find a calm, quiet place for a few minutes and practice deep breathing. It will help you relax and does wonders for releasing stress tension. Take some nice long exhales, (twice as long as the inhales). This cools your brain and activates your parasympathetic nervous system for relaxation.

Take a Moment

Take a moment to notice the present moment. When we notice the present moment, we can begin to express gratitude for the relationships in your life and all that we have. Meditate or Pray. Become silent and meditate on the sounds around you, or your breath, or on a few things you are grateful for. Gratitude does wonders for the heart and brings forth the best feel good emotions.

Exercise

Sometimes you just need to move your body. Begin an exercise routine so your body can release your natural endorphins—known as the body’s natural pain killers. If you feel better physically, you will be able to handle stress better when it comes upon you.

Sleep

Many people are sleep deprived. If you find you are irritable, grumpy, foggy, chances are you may be sleep deprived. Going to bed at an earlier time, especially getting those hours before midnight and having a total of 7-8 hours of sleep will impact your overall ability to handle stress.

Take a Stress Detox Course

Immersing yourself in a 2 day Stress Detox will cleanse the stress that has accumulated in your mind, body and brain. This insightful meditation based approach will result in restfulness in the body, spaciousness in your brain promoting creativity, ease-ness in your mind leading you to calm, energy and love. Sign up today and become more equipped to release stress.

These are just a few ways you can begin to release and reduce the accumulation of stress in your life. Try them out, and see if your capacity to handle yourself better begins to grow. If so, you will find you’ll be more likely to relate in healthier ways and be more present for the people you love and those who love you.

Rekindling Romance: 10 Creative Date Ideas to Deepen Your Connection

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 14:12:21 GMT

Romantic partners offer us emotional support and companionship while bringing happiness, excitement, and belonging to our lives. However, even the most loving relationships can become stale as time passes.

Keep reading to learn the importance of romantic connections and creative date ideas to reignite the spark in your relationship.

How to Improve Your Romantic Connection

Improving your relationship can boost emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Below are some fun date night ideas that can help nurture your relationship's romance.

Idea #1: Hiking and a Picnic

Look for trails with breathtaking views, waterfalls, or scenic overlooks. You can search for trails in your area online or ask locals for recommendations. Opt for a stroll or a more challenging hike, whichever suits you and your partner best. Check the trail conditions and any necessary permits or regulations before you head out.

Here are some things to keep in mind when packing for a romantic picnic:

Prepare finger foods, sandwiches, fruits, cheese, and crackers ahead of time
Bring a thermos of hot coffee or tea
Pack a blanket and comfortable cushions to sit on while enjoying your meal
Add a bottle of champagne to toast your love
Consider packing a small gift to surprise your partner, such as flowers or a heartfelt letter
Stay off your phones and enjoy your time together, taking in the stunning views

Idea #2: Stargazing Night

Alberta is an excellent place for stargazing, with minimal light pollution in many areas. Here are some suggestions for getting away from the city lights:

Dark Sky Preserves: Alberta has several Dark Sky Preserves and Provincial Parks, such as Writing-on-Stone and Cypress Hills Provincial Parks.
Remote road trips: Drive to a remote area with minimal development and few lights, like the badlands region around Drumheller, the prairies around Brooks, or the mountains around Banff National Park.
Camping or glamping: If you want to get far away from city lights, consider camping or glamping in a remote area. This allows you to spend more time gazing at the stars without distractions.

Once you've found your spot, don't forget to bring:

A blanket or lawn chairs
A telescope or binoculars for a closer look at the stars
A star chart or app to help you navigate the constellations
Warm clothing and snacks to keep you cozy during your stargazing session

Idea #3: Art Classes

Enrolling in an art class together, like pottery or painting, can help reignite the spark in your relationship by:

Spending quality time together
Creating new experiences and memories
Reducing stress and increasing laughter
Creating a sense of intimacy and closeness
Embracing imperfections and taking risks together

Idea #4: DIY Project at Home

Working on a DIY project can strengthen your bond through shared creativity, problem-solving, and accomplishment. Select a project you both enjoy, communicate openly, and be patient with each other's mistakes. Popular options include building birdhouses, scrapbooking, painting, woodworking, gardening, or upcycled crafts.

Idea #5: Cooking Classes

Taking a cooking class with your partner can be a fun way to strengthen your bond. Benefits include:

Spending quality time together
Learning new skills and knowledge
Teamwork and communication
Cultural exchange
Fun and laughter

To make the most of it, choose a cuisine you both love, be open-minded, and take turns leading the cooking process. Some popular cuisines include Italian, French, Asian, Mexican, and Mediterranean.

Idea #6: At-Home Wine and Cheese Tasting

An at-home wine and cheese tasting is a simple way to reconnect with your partner and strengthen your relationship:

Choose different wines and cheeses to pair
Create a cozy atmosphere at home
Plan ahead, chill the wines, and provide accompaniments like crackers and nuts
Rekindle romance, stimulate conversation, and remember why you fell for each other in the first place

Idea #7: Visit a Museum or Art Gallery

Visiting a museum or art gallery can encourage intellectual stimulation, shared discovery, and emotional connection. It combines history, culture, and personal opinions, allowing you to create new memories with your partner.

Idea #8: Attend a Live Performance

Sharing a live performance, such as a concert, theatrical performance, or comedy show, can be a fantastic way to deepen your connection:

Arrive early to enjoy the pre-show and grab a drink or snack together
Hold hands or snuggle during the performance
Take photos or videos to capture memories of the evening
Discuss the performance afterwards, sharing your favourite moments

Idea #9: Spa Day

Booking a couple's spa day or creating a spa experience at home is a great way to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Pick a reputable spa or set the mood at home with candles, music, and comfortable seating.

Select treatments you both enjoy, such as massages, facials, or manicures and take turns giving and receiving treatments. Communicate with each other, focusing on the present and letting go of distractions.

Idea #10: Staycation in a Luxury Hotel

Whether lounging in a plush hotel bed, enjoying a romantic dinner through room service, relaxing in the pool, or sitting in the hot tub, the change of scenery can help you both unwind and spend quality time away from everyday life.

Here are some ideas for making the most of your hotel stay:

Order a romantic dinner through room service and set up a candlelit table
Take a sunset walk around the hotel grounds
Play games or watch a movie in the comfort of your room

Rekindle Your Romance with The Love of Attraction

Planning new experiences adds excitement to your routine while reigniting the passion that made you fall in love. Continuous growth and sharing memorable moments are the secrets to a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

If you’re looking for more inspiration , The Love of Attraction has helpful resources and professional advice to keep your romance strong. Finding new ways to connect will help you build a deeper bond that can weather any storm.

Get in touch

The Benefits of Date Nights in Sustaining Relationships

Thu, 16 May 2024 17:42:49 GMT

Everyday life can strain relationships. Whether juggling long work hours, managing household responsibilities, or caring for children, couples frequently overlook their relationship and neglect to nurture their love for one another.

A solution for easing the pressures of daily life in a relationship is regular date nights. Making time for each other can help alleviate stress, enhance communication, and keep the romance alive.

Keep reading to learn the benefits of date nights and how they can help reignite the spark in your relationship.

Benefit #1: Strengthen Emotional Connection

Regular date nights can boost emotional intimacy in a relationship by giving partners dedicated time to connect on a deeper level. Aligning with the principles of partnership therapy, date nights are a chance for couples to have meaningful conversations, share feelings, and understand each other better. By prioritizing date nights, couples can strengthen their emotional connection, build trust, and feel closer to one another.

Benefit #2: Improve Communication

Date nights are like practice sessions for better communication, a key focus in relationship counselling . During these outings, partners can talk openly, listen actively, show empathy, and understand each other's feelings in a supportive environment. Improving communication can help you know your partner better, solve problems together, and grow closer.

Benefit #3: Reignite Romance

As marriage counselling suggests, making regular date nights part of a relationship plan can help couples maintain closeness and build a strong, lasting bond. These evenings allow you to escape your everyday routine and focus on each other. By making time for romance and shared activities, you can rediscover the excitement and love that brought you together in the first place.

Common Challenges and Solutions

Introducing regular date nights into a relationship can be a positive step, but it's not without its challenges. Let's explore some common hurdles couples may face when establishing this habit.

Challenge #1: Finding Time

Busy couples can still make time for regular date nights by using tips from relationship therapy. These methods can help couples stay connected and strengthen their relationship, even with busy schedules. Some strategies include:

Planning ahead
Sharing responsibilities
Staying flexible
Trying virtual dates
Combining activities
Focusing on quality time together

Challenge #2: Deciding on Activities

Drawing from couples therapy advice, prioritizing communication and shared experiences can strengthen your relationship during these special outings. You can choose fun and meaningful date night activities by:

Considering shared interests
Communicating openly
Varying your choices
Focusing on connection
Being flexible
Creating lasting memories together

Challenge #3: Budget Constraints

Don’t let a tight budget spoil the fun. In line with the collaborative strategies often emphasized in couples counselling, incorporating the following budget-friendly date night ideas into your routine can nurture your relationship and deepen your connection:

Picnics: Pack a homemade meal and enjoy it together in a nearby park. Use the opportunity to relax, connect, and enjoy nature.
Movie nights at home: Create a comfy atmosphere with blankets, snacks, and some of your favourite movies for a relaxing evening in.
Cook together: Try out a new recipe or recreate a favourite dish. Cooking together can be a fun, intimate way to bond.
Game nights: Dust off your board games or card decks and have a game night. Engage in a friendly competition to spark laughter and closeness.
DIY spa nights: Treat yourselves to a DIY spa night at home. Set up a relaxing environment with candles, soothing music, and homemade spa treatments like facemasks or foot soaks.
Explore local events: Look for free or low-cost events in your area, such as art exhibitions, live music performances, or community festivals.
Stargazing: Go to a quiet spot away from city lights and spend the evening stargazing. Bring blankets and hot drinks for added coziness.
Volunteer together: Whether participating in a community cleanup or helping out at a local charity organization, working together for a cause can strengthen your relationship.

How to Make Date Nights Effective

Following advice often given in relationship counselling, being fully present during date nights is crucial to success. You can make your time together more effective by setting relationship goals to improve your understanding and teamwork. Monitoring how your date nights affect your relationship can also be helpful. Working towards these steps can make your time together more meaningful, helping you connect, communicate, and grow as a couple.

Want to Fall in Love Again?

Consider consulting with a relationship counselling professional like The Love of Attraction for personalized advice and guidance tailored to your needs.

Kathleen Maiman offers valuable insights and strategies to strengthen connections and deepen bonds between couples.

Work towards a happier and healthier relationship by visiting our website for ongoing tips and resources or booking a consultation session today.

Your journey to lasting love starts here.

The Five Losing Strategies: These are Dysfunctional and Destroy Relationships

Mon, 29 Apr 2024 14:26:58 GMT

So, I think we can all agree that relationships are hard. When we are triggered, our responses during times of stress are often dysfunctional and fall into one of five losing strategies as identified by Terry Real, Developer of Relational Life Therapy. They are self-defeating, leading to more discord and disharmony and ultimately stop us from getting what we want in terms of closeness and connection.

Why Do We Need to Know and Discover our Losing Strategies?

If we can uncover what we are doing wrong, then we can move to what works, i.e. The Five Winning Strategies (to be discussed in the next article). Moving away from these five losing strategies can stop the negative cycle even if your partner doesn’t know theirs.

Relationships do better, when we feel supported, nurtured and safe. When isolated and alone, our immune system doesn’t work well and we can get sick. Life is much harder. By learning how to stop doing the wrong thing can help you get more of what you want, thus feeling more safe and confident and able to handle life’s challenges.

The Five Losing Strategies in Relationships:

Being Right
Controlling your partner
Unbridled self-expression
Retaliation
Withdrawal

1 - Being Right

This losing strategy occurs when someone is trying to prove their point or tell others what the “real issue is. They are convinced that they are right and the way they see it, is the correct way. When embroiled in this losing strategy, there is no desire to negotiate; the only desire is to be right. Terry says: “You can be right or you can be married”. You can’t be both. Being right will eat away at your relationship.

The Objectivity Battle

Just imagine a couple driving in a car. The woman wants the man to slow down because she feels that he is driving too aggressively. But he feels that he is a very competent driver and that she is just being too excessive. It’s very possible that they could fight about whose feelings and experience is more valid, however, the chances of resolving this disagreement are slim. Rather, what is more, likely is that they will end up feeling hurt, invalidated, and misunderstood.

Terry Real’s relational answer to the question “Who is right and who is wrong?” is “Who cares!” When it comes to relationships, there’s no place for objectivity, and therefore Being Right will lead to further discord.

2 - Controlling Your Partner

The second losing strategy is control. Trying to get your partner to listen, or to be kinder, or to do what you say. This is controlling and a huge barrier to emotional intimacy. In reality, we can’t control anyone. The one person you can control is you. You can change your reactions, your tone, and your behaviours, - you can’t control your partners. Plus, no one likes to be controlled.

The Unfortunate Result of Control

Terry Real warns, if you are controlling and convince someone to do what you want them to do, especially if they don’t really want to do it, they will end up resenting you for it and you will most likely pay the price in the long run ie through them leaving the relationship or becoming more difficult.

3 - Unbridled Self-Expression

The third losing strategy is Unbridled Self-Expression. Terry Real calls this the “Barf-Bag” approach to intimacy. Telling our partners everything that is on our mind without regard to the impact of our words is insensitive and relationally defeating. You may feel better after bringing up every past offense that your partner has done in the last 10 years when you found the dishes undone in the sink. However, this leaves your partner feeling helpless.

Disappointment vs. Oversharing

It’s reasonable to share your disappointment at not having done the dishes and even to share that you took it to mean that your partner was not considerate enough of your feelings. However, when you find yourself raising your voice, increasing your tempo, and throwing in the kitchen sink along with everything else that makes your partner intolerable to live with, then you are using the losing strategy of Unbridled Self-Expression and it doesn’t work.

4 - Retaliation

This next losing strategy could also be called offending from the victim position . It happens when one partner treats another partner poorly because the other partner “deserves” it. They feel justified in their behaviour and often want the other person to feel the pain that they feel. With retaliation, people feel justified and shameless in doing this because they were hurt first.

The problem with this approach is that you don’t make a person more accountable and responsible by hurting them.

Retaliation can lead to more aggression.

You were cold to me, so I had an affair. This only leads to more hurt, more pain and ultimately to more aggression. Hurt begets more hurt. Moving away from this strategy is an opportunity for people to heal and repair and take accountability for their hurt.

5 - Withdrawal

Lastly, there’s Withdrawal. This occurs when a partner is emotionally unavailable and has either shut down or closed themselves off to any type of connection. They are not listening, participating in any real level and ultimately just check out.

Oftentimes, the withdrawer expects that their partner will somehow “get the message” as a result of his/her withdrawal and he/she will then somehow feel contrite and/or more apt to re-engage. However, this is rarely the outcome of withdrawal. Rather withdrawal often leads to greater injury and can even be experienced by your partner as a form of retaliation and abandonment.

Being Walled off

Withdrawal may have worked earlier in childhood as a way to move away from an intrusive parent or the pain of neglect, however, it can lead to divorce in your current relationship as predicted by John Gottman, Relationship Expert. There are better ways to take a break if feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotions. Read an article on responsible distance taking and Taking Time Outs .

The “Whoosh”

An important note is that The Five Losing Strategies are almost always preceded by what Terry Real calls “The Whoosh.” This is a reactive emotion when one feels negatively triggered by something your partner has said or done, or by something you imagine has been said or done. This can ignite any of the Losing Strategies or even a combination. Usually we are trying to protect ourselves by using the Losing Strategies instead of feeling vulnerable.

Take stock of your Losing Strategy Profile and get to know them. Be on the lookout for when you feel the “whoosh” and realize any of these strategies don’t work leading you to more discord and disharmony.

Check back next month for an article on how to get more of what you want using the The Five Winning Strategies.

The Healing Power of EKAM: Harnessing the Energy of Oneness

Thu, 18 Apr 2024 13:35:27 GMT

Ekam, derived from Sanskrit and meaning "One," is significant in spirituality and healing. It symbolizes the energy that formed the universe and is synonymous with God or the highest form of oneness — The Supreme Oneness.

An architectural wonder in India known as Ekam, often called the Oneness Field, is a focal point for radiating ancient energy to alleviate human suffering. Ekam is also a philosophy and meditation school for transforming human consciousness.

Those who meditate within Ekam describe the building as having a living entity. It’s a nurturing space where healing, emotional release, joy, and spiritual awakening occur and is powerful for personal transformation and spiritual growth.

Keep reading to learn Oneness's meaning, techniques to leverage its energy and incorporate it into daily life, the healing benefits of Ekam, and testimonials from people who’ve experienced it firsthand.

What is Oneness?

Oneness refers to unity or interconnectedness, where all beings and aspects of existence are inherently connected and inseparable. In spiritual contexts, Oneness often implies a deep sense of harmony, wholeness, and non-duality, where distinctions between self and others or between the individual and the divine dissolve.

Oneness is the core principle and essence of Ekam. Hindus and other cultures believe it’s the origin from which the universe emanates, symbolizing the ultimate unity or oneness of all creation. Ekam helps us understand Oneness as a philosophical and transformative spiritual experience.

The Various Healing Benefits of Oneness

Practicing oneness helps you face physical, emotional and mental imbalances, remove old patterns, eliminate the darkness, and find enlightenment. You can also discover more about your talents and possibilities to move forward with nothing holding you back. With Ekam, you can gradually process how to regain the power to control your body, mind and soul .

There are many benefits of Oneness:

Reduces fear and anxiety
Clears emotional clutter
Gives you a new perspective on challenging situations
Breaks old self-defeating behaviour patterns
Enhances self-awareness
Helps you overcome roadblocks and limitations
Increases patience and tolerance
Provides peace and harmony to love your life

Techniques for Tapping into the Energy of Oneness and Incorporating it into Daily Life

There are several ways to tap into the energy of Oneness. Here are some techniques that can help:

Meditation: Set aside time daily to focus on your breath and connect with all beings.
Mindfulness: Bring your full attention to the present moment and be aware of your surroundings, sensations, and experiences.
Gratitude: Reflect on the things you're thankful for. This can shift your perspective from negativity and what’s missing in your life to positivity and a feeling of abundance.
Compassion: Be kind to yourself and others by practicing empathy and understanding. Recognize everyone’s worth and strive to treat others with love and respect.
Nature: Spend time outdoors and connect with the natural world. Going for a walk, sitting by the ocean, or tending to a garden can help ground you.
Spiritual: Choose practices that resonate with you, such as chanting, prayer, or rituals.

Testimonials of People Who’ve Experienced Healing Through Ekam

Ekam has touched lives, brought clarity, and fostered inner growth for many.

“ I wish I had learned about living in a beautiful state earlier in my life as it is a transformational practice. ” - Usher - Performer.

“ I found myself dropping out of suffering states within moments of being with Sri Preethaji, talking to her, and listening to how she taught. And I said this is really, really strong stuff. And because of my experience at the FOA, I decided to come to India. ” - Mark Sullivan - New York Times #1 Best-Selling Author.

“ I am quite surprised, Sri Preethaji, that at such a young age, you have become the champion for peace and humanity, love and compassion .” - Kailash Satyarthi - Nobel Peace Laureate.

You can read more testimonials on Ekam’s website.

Embrace Oneness and the Healing Power of Ekam With a Two-Day Stress Detox Retreat

Stress can spread from you to your relationships and communities, creating division and chaos, diseases and ailments, and anxiety and depression. You can eliminate that stress with Oneness.

Stress Detox Retreat is a two-day, meditation-based experience for detoxing stress from mind, body, and brain. It’s an inside-out approach to clear and rewire your brain for more positivity and energy, calmness and clarity, and love and trust.

Here are some testimonials from past participants:

"My state was rushed and not fully knowing what to expect on Saturday morning. Now leaving, my state is centred and purposeful. My purpose was slowly revealed to me throughout the weekend. You will come away renewed with energy." LS

" I was stressed and super distracted when I walked in on Saturday. At the end of the 2 days, I have zero stress, my mind is calm and my whole being is smiling. I learned a lot about myself. This the beginning of something on a new path – a stress free one. " MB

"I came in distraught, depressed, exhausted, angry, sad. I am leaving more centered hopeful, happy, excited for the future. Liberating technique to raise your quality of life and achieve a balanced life". KN

"My state when I arrived was hopeful but definitely exhausted and worn down. Now that I’m leaving, I feel very energized. I feel like I will be able to recapture joy and happiness in my life. It is a great weekend for self-reflection and looking deep inside yourself". JK

Join your host, Kathleen Maiman , Facilitator/EKAM Trainer, on May 25 and 26, 2024, for a stress detox weekend — a straightforward solution to relieve mental and emotional stress.

For the past three decades, Kathleen’s dedication to her spiritual growth and enlightenment has led her on numerous journeys to Ekam in Southern India. Her participation in various programs and courses there leads her back to you to teach and share what she’s learned.

Sign up today ; space is limited, and early registration discounts are available.

Embrace Tranquility: Detoxifying Mind and Body in Calgary

Mon, 25 Mar 2024 14:45:32 GMT

In our fast -paced world, the pressures of daily life can lead to stress and burnout, affecting our physical and mental well-being. The good news is that detox retreats are becoming more popular as people search for proven ways to relax and unwind.

Ekam's stress detox is a perfect example. This program helps people kick back and rejuvenate when feeling stressed or overwhelmed. As they take a break from their busy lives and focus on their well-being, they engage in meditation and wellness activities that promote relaxation, mental clarity, and balance. They also learn strategies for coping with stress.

Keep reading to learn the adverse effects of stress and burnout, the healing power of detoxification, and how you can overcome negativity with Ekam’s stress detox in Calgary .

Understanding Stress and Burnout

Stress is the body's response to challenges, often triggered by demanding situations. It can manifest physically and emotionally, affecting overall well-being. Burnout is a stage of chronic stress characterized by exhaustion, reduced performance, and a feeling of detachment from work or personal life.

Here are some common signs that you need a retreat:

Struggling to meet daily demands
Emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed
Losing joy in activities you love
Physical symptoms like headaches, upset stomach, and digestive issues
Difficulty sleeping or constant tiredness even when you do sleep

The increasing number of people searching for 'stress retreats' and 'burnout retreats' shows the growing need for programs that address stress and burnout.

The Healing Power of Detoxification

Detoxification eliminates toxins from the body, promoting better health and well-being. Detoxing can involve adopting practices that support the body's natural cleansing to support organ function, improve energy levels, and boost mental clarity. It can contribute to overall recovery from stress, burnout, or challenging times.

Below are some ways to detox:

Drink plenty of water to flush out toxins
Eat vegetables, fruits, and whole grains and avoid chemical additives, artificial sweeteners, and processed foods
Exercise for at least 30 minutes two to three times per week
Use a sauna or steam to eliminate toxins through the skin (sweating)
Get adequate sleep to help your body repair itself
Limit alcohol and caffeine to enhance your liver function
Practice self-soothing methods

Ekam's retreat program in Calgary is a tailored solution for detoxification and recovery. This program integrates holistic detox principles, offering a supportive environment for individuals to rejuvenate physically and mentally. Learning their ways to meditate and clear your mind and ways to detox your body through nutrition and physical activity can significantly reduce your stress.

The Unique Approach of Ekam's Retreat

Through a blend of wellness activities, mindfulness practices, and expert guidance, Ekam's retreat in Calgary provides a transformative experience, helping participants recover from stress.

How to Detoxify Your Mind and Body With Ekam’s Methods

The Oneness (Ekam) Stress Detox offers a calming 2-day meditation with 14 immersive hours. This program cleanses the body, mind, and brain, eliminating numerous side effects and the toxic impact that stress can have internally and externally. This program teaches you ways to clear your mind and relieve stress so you can continue your detoxification at home.

Preparing for Your Retreat

Here are some ways to make the most of your retreat experience:

Research the program’s details
Pack mindfully
Set clear intentions
Disconnect from your digital devices
Mentally prepare for self-reflection
Communicate any health concerns
For the best results, ensure you fully participate in the program
Afterward, reflect on your experience and consider how to use the insights you learned throughout your daily activities

Rewire Your Brain for Greater Positivity, Energy, Peace, and Love

Persistent stress can lead to burnout, affecting relationships, job performance, and quality of life. Recognizing and addressing these issues can create a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Ekam's retreat in Calgary, led by registered Psychotherapist/Ekam Trainer Kathleen Maiman , is an insightful, meditation-based approach that can help you take control of overwhelming thoughts and feelings and lead a better life.

Spaces are limited. Secure your spot today .

10 Characteristics of a Conscious Partnership (Updated 2024)

Sun, 17 Mar 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Conscious relationships are purposeful, decisive, and intentional. They require choice and clarity about how partners want to feel, how they prefer to give and receive love, and their boundaries and non-negotiables.

This definition covers only a portion of this type of relationship. Understanding the true meaning of conscious relationships and how to create one structured around both partners' basic needs in a relationship is essential to deeper connection and lasting security, belonging, and love.

What is a Conscious Relationship?

Conscious relationships require both partners to commit to continual growth — individually by working through their own issues and collectively by working together through any problems that arise.

A conscious couple decides early in the relationship to grow their love into something unique and fulfilling. This enables any challenges they face together to better strengthen their relationship.

The most successful conscious couples embrace the top qualities that foster happy relationships, such as:

Building a solid foundation of acceptance and taking responsibility
Adopting a mutual growth mindset
Practicing effective communication
Being present
Appreciating each other’s values
Respecting independence

Harville Hendrix – taken from Getting the Love you Want

What Are the 10 Characteristics of a Conscious Relationship

You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose – the healing of childhood wounds

Instead of focusing entirely on surface needs and desires, you learn to recognize the unresolved childhood issues that under-lie them. When you look at relationships with this x-ray vision, your daily interactions take on more meaning. Puzzling aspects of your relationship begin to make sense to you, and you have a greater sense of control.

You create a more accurate image of your partner

At the very moment of attraction, you began fusing your lover with your primary caretakers. Later you projected your negative traits onto your partner, further obscuring your partner’s essential reality. As you move toward a conscious relationship, you gradually let go of these illusions and begin to see more of your partner’s truth. You see your partner not as your saviour but as another wounded human being, struggling to be healed.

You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner

In an unconscious partnership, you cling to the childhood belief that your partner automatically intuits your needs. In a conscious partnership, you accept the fact that in order to understand each other, you have to develop clear channels of communication.

You become more intentional in your interactions.

In an unconscious partnership, you tend to react without thinking. You allow the primitive response of your old brain to control your behaviour. In a conscious partnership, you train yourself to behave in a more constructive manner.

You learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as you value your own

In an unconscious partnership, you assume that your partner’s role in life is to take care of your needs magically. In a conscious partnership, you let go of this narcissistic view and divert more and more of your energy to meeting your partner’s needs.

You embrace the dark side of your personality

In a conscious partnership, you openly acknowledge that fact that you, like everyone else, have negative traits. As you accept responsibility for this dark side of your nature, you lessen your tendency to project your negative traits onto your mate, which creates a less hostile environment.

You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires

During the power struggle, you cajole, harangue, and blame in an attempt to coerce your partner to meet your needs. When you move beyond this stage, you realize that your partner can indeed be a resource for you – once you abandon your self-defeating tactics.

You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking

One reason you were attracted to your partner is that he or she had strengths and abilities that you lacked. Therefore, being with your partner gave you an illusory sense of wholeness. In a conscious partnership, you learn that the only way you can truly recapture a sense of oneness is to develop the hidden traits within yourself.

You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the universe

As a part of your God-given nature, you have the ability to love unconditionally and to experience unity with the world around you. Social conditioning and imperfect parenting made you lose touch with these qualities. In a conscious partnership, you begin to rediscover your original nature.

You accept the difficulty of creating a lasting love relationship

In an unconscious partnership, you believe that the way to have a good relationship is to pick the right partner. In a conscious partnership you realize you have to BE the right partner. As you gain a more realistic view, you realize that a good relationship requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to grow and change; creating a fulfilling love relationship is hard work.

What are the Top Qualities of a Conscious Relationship?

Build a Strong Foundation of Acceptance and Take Responsibility

Any successful relationship relies on acceptance. Everyone brings unique opinions, values, strengths, weaknesses, and life objectives to a relationship, even those you may not fully understand or agree with. Fully accepting your partner means learning to love yourself and taking personal responsibility.

Relationship therapist Kathleen Maiman explains seven ways to build a strong foundation of acceptance and take responsibility for your actions:

Adjust your expectations: If your partner does things that frustrate or annoy you, ask yourself if these actions must change or if they’re something you can adjust your expectations for.
Try positive thinking: Rather than focusing on the negative aspects of your partner, change the narrative and focus on what you love about them instead.
Embrace gray areas: Just because you do something one way and your partner does it another doesn’t mean their way is wrong. Avoid black-and-white thinking where possible.
Stop judging yourself: Our inner critic tends to drive the judgment of others. Learning to accept yourself as you are will help you accept your partner as they are.
Focus on the present moment: This can be tough, but try not to ruminate about the past or associate your partner’s actions with previous experiences.
Step into their shoes: Anytime you think about changing your partner, consider how you would feel if they felt that way about you. Seeing things from their perspective opens doors for empathy.
Focus on yourself: Not being able to accept your partner typically stems from your own unmet needs. Consider what you can do for yourself rather than putting all the responsibility on your loved one.

Adopt a Mutual Growth Mindset

Everyone has past wounds, triggers, and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict. Establishing a growth mindset means learning to do better. All relationships enable hidden hurts to arise — it’s why your partner pushes your buttons so much. A conscious relationship sees this as the point, not the problem.

Your emotional baggage surfaces in conscious relationships so you can learn to heal and grow through it. These relationships help you become a more compassionate, courageous, and loving version of yourself.

To be successful, both partners should agree to continually grow. Stagnation on one or both sides can cause various issues that devastate the relationship. Couples retreats are a great way to learn about and enhance a mutual growth mindset.

Practice Effective Communication

One of the primary reasons couples seek relationship help is to improve communication . Each partner should know how to communicate their needs and emotions effectively so the other can fully understand and accept what they hear.

Avoid communication hurdles by not getting defensive when your partner speaks to you about an issue. Rather than reacting, try to see things from their perspective and always use respect and empathy when addressing each other’s feelings. Relationship therapy can offer tailored advice on how to boost communication in your conscious relationship.

Be Present

The slow decay of friendship and closeness will eventually erode your relationship. It’s inevitable that relationships eventually lose their initial spark over time, but that doesn’t have to mean you grow further apart. Friendship and connection will break down if you check out or become complacent, but presence is preventative medicine.

Being present in the relationship means being actively involved and invested. You prioritize quality time for each other and are alert, engaged, and focused on your partner during that time. Presence requires consistent effort and dedication, especially amongst the many distractions of smartphones.

Appreciate Each Other’s Values

Our brains naturally notice what’s not working way more often than what it is . This means that relationship problems may have more psychological and emotional significance. But when you spend time actively looking for the “good” in your relationship as you do trying to fix the “bad”, you become more appreciative of your partner and the joy you share.

Learning to appreciate each other’s values is a self-reinforcing, upward spiral of praise, validation, and acknowledgement. The more things you have to be grateful for in your relationship, the more you’ll find. Positive reinforcement inspires both parties to become better people and partners.

Respect Independence

Independence in conscious relationships means having the freedom to make your own choices.

Autonomy respects the right to your individual values, opinions, and perspectives, including the right to disagree. Valuing independence enables a conscious partner to overcome the dichotomous challenge that most relationships face — the simultaneous need for closeness and freedom. By respecting independence, you accept your partner’s need for autonomy and continue choosing one another every day.

Create a Conscious Relationship With The Love of Attraction

Couples in conscious relationships don’t make empty promises for ever-lasting love. Instead, they make daily commitments to give their best, take responsibility, embrace growth, practice effective communication, be present, respect independence, and honour and celebrate each other’s differences.

The Love of Attraction specializes in helping you build the relationship you deserve. Even if you feel your relationship has lost its magic and life, there’s still hope.

Learn how relationship counselling can restore your connection and transform your relationship into a peaceful, respectful, and loving place where you can effectively communicate what truly matters.

Get in touch

When Conflict Arises, Practice Self-Soothing and Calm Your System

Mon, 04 Mar 2024 19:03:49 GMT

All the recommendations and relationship advice like “Affirm Each other, Learn each other’s Love Language, Listen to one another’s needs. Learn to fight fair” are good strategies for loving another person.

However, there is one skill for managing conflict that isn’t simply about being aware of and intentional about your thoughts and your words. It’s also about being attuned to the signals being sent to and through your body.

Your physiology plays a huge part in your relationship, particularly in conflict. It plays a role in calmer times as well (ie oxytocin is dumped into the system with a cuddle, hug or an orgasm). But with regard to conflict, it’s important that you become attuned to the ways your body and brain are shaping your communication and responses. And when you become aware that arousal is increasing, the next step is to Practice Self-Soothing .

When in conflict or threat, human beings enter a heightened state of arousal. This arousal has protected our species for millennia. It’s why your head sits up when you hear a loud sound in the middle of the night. It’s why you pull your hands away from a hot stove or from a wife who’s been criticizing you for most of the past 30 minutes. This built-in alarm system has a name: Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA). When your body is in DPA, your heart speeds up, blood flow to your gut and kidneys slows down, adrenaline starts to pump, and ultimately you head into the a “fight or flight” response.

We all have different tendencies around fight or flight. Some lean into conflict and try to resolve and fix. Others are conflict avoiders and retreat or withdrawal. Most of us use some combination of both to keep ourselves safe and protected. In each case, the body sends all of its attention energy into the cortex of the brain and attention becomes very focused with tunnel-vision and tunnel-hearing. Obviously this makes effective communication difficult and can become destructive.

Take a moment and imagine a conflict that may have ignited your physiology and led you into DPA. You may not have been aware of your heart rate, or of your stress hormones, but certainly you’ve experienced a time when you couldn’t focus on whatever the argument was about. Maybe tears began to form in your eyes, your skin got blotchy or the palms of your hands became sweaty. Perhaps you just stopped talking and couldn’t form a sentence. Maybe you said the same thing over and over again or your argument becomes suddenly disorganized and incoherent. For me, the sign that I’m in DPA is that my jaw starts to tighten along with some tension in my stomach. I love the phrase from Gabor Mate: “Where there is tension, put your attention”.

You must learn to pay attention. If you don’t, you’ll waste a lot of time stuck in futile, going nowhere conversations. The fact that your heart rate is elevated at or above around 100 BPM means that you simply cannot process social interaction. When your heart rate gets up to 100 BPM in a relationship setting, that’s called flooding. If you’re not paying attention, flooding leads to erratic conversation. Erratic conversation leads to the Four Horsemen, coined by John Gottman. These are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. Terry Real refers the responses to flooding as the 5 Losing Strategies: Being right, Control, Unbridled self-expression, Retaliation and Withdrawal. All lead to emotional disengagement and can eventually lead to dissolution of the relationship.

The antidote to flooding is learning to self-soothe. In the healthiest relationships, partners can help one another soothe, essentially interrupting the pattern trauma caused by DPA. Couples in the early phase of their relationship can talk about the ways they can soothe each other. It is a perfect time when getting to know someone.

Both Terry Real and John Gottman suggest using a hand signal or a code word to call a Timeout when one or both of you realize that flooding is occurring. Robert and I make a T sign with our hands and say Time Out with our voices. It is pre-agreed and indicates a message to the other, “Dear Partner, Where I am going is not good for me and not good for you and the relationship. I am going to take a break and I’ll be back”. It is respectful and a responsible withdrawal and is to be honoured by the partner. No one pursues the other once the time out is called. Once the negative cascading cycle is interrupted, you can focus on soothing.

Consider establishing a ritual during the time out, where you take a break from one another long enough to get your heart rate down and become centred again. In order for your break to be effective, consider these steps:

Follow a time protocol. Both partners should agree about that the person leaving is the person who returns and that the time should be at least 20 minutes but not more than 24 hours. If you’re truly flooded, you’ll need at least 20 minutes to let your body reset. If you wait longer than 24 hours, you risk avoidance which ultimately gives the conflict more power. Have regular check- ins over the time out period is a good way to stay connected. Upon a return, just say: Checking in, need more time. Again, maximum is 24 hours.
Don’t ruminate. It’s not helpful at all to use your time away to replay the argument in your mind. Building your case or focusing on the injustice of it all doesn’t serve the larger purpose, which is soothing. These thoughts are distressing and not useful.
Calm yourself. The practice of soothing can take many forms. Maybe you go for a long walk, listen to music, take a bath, journal, play a video game, play with your pet or read a magazine. You might also try deep breathing exercises to de-stress. Getting control of your breathing is an ideal way to release tension and achieve a relaxed state of mind.

In the end, you might be really good at reigning in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and being right, retaliation, control, unbridled self-expression and withdrawal. You also might be good at dialoguing about issues and validating and empathizing one another but if you’re prone to flooding, it’s much harder to manage conflict. When your brain is attuned only to threat or danger and not to opportunity and solution, you’re more likely to move into the fight or flight system. Learning to soothe opens the door to empathy, positivity, and reconnection and creativity. This self-regulation skill is a key to healthy relationships.

Join us for a Stress Detox Program and learn how to calm yourself and manage your inner state for moving away from conflict and building healthier relationships.

Exploring the Six Types of Relationships and Their Impact on Your Life

Thu, 29 Feb 2024 19:49:42 GMT

Relationships are like puzzle pieces — each is unique and connects differently. Whether a friendship, family connection, or romantic partnership, every relationship plays out differently, influencing your experiences and shaping who you are.

Understanding these variations helps navigate the complexities of relationships, recognizing that each type brings its own joys, challenges, and lessons.

In this article, seasoned relationship counsellor Kathleen Maiman offers profound insights into human connections. Drawing from her extensive experience working with couples and individuals, she breaks down how each relationship style can impact our well-being.

Style #1: Family Relationships

From our earliest moments, family interactions largely determine how we relate to others and interpret the world around us. These physical and social-emotional connections influence our perceptions, values, and emotional responses, significantly impacting our social development.

While family bonds can be a source of immense support and love, they may also present challenges. Managing family dynamics often requires close attention to maintaining healthy boundaries. Striking a balance between closeness and autonomy is essential for creating positive relationships.

Boundaries involve setting clear expectations, effective communication , and recognizing when they need adjusting. Understanding family dynamics contributes to maintaining positive connections and individual well-being within the familial framework.

Style #2: Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships typically happen in distinct stages, each contributing to personal growth. The initial stage often involves infatuation, excitement, deeper connection, and commitment. Challenges may arise, fostering resilience and understanding.

Long-term relationships lead to shared experiences, promoting mutual growth and individual development. Understanding these stages can amplify personal maturity, emotional intelligence, and your capacity for meaningful connections.

Maintaining Healthy Communication and Connection

A long-term romantic partnership requires intentional efforts in communication and connection. Tips for building a healthy relationship include:

Open communication: Use honest, open dialogue to share thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Be a safe space where you and your partner can express yourselves without judgment.
Build trust: Honesty is the foundation of a strong relationship — be reliable, consistent, and transparent in your actions.
Respect boundaries: Establish and respect personal boundaries to nurture individual autonomy within the relationship. Regularly communicate about your evolving needs and expectations.
Active listening: Being attentive can help you better understand your partner's perspective. Work on validating their feelings and showing empathy to enhance mutual understanding.
Quality time: Prioritize time together to strengthen your emotional bond.
Conflict resolution: Approach conflicts constructively, focusing on solutions rather than blame.
Celebrate achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate each other's successes and milestones. Create a happy, supportive environment that encourages personal and shared growth.

Style #3: Friendships

Aside from companionship, positive friendships contribute to emotional well-being, providing support during challenging and happy times. These connections become a source of shared laughter, comfort, and understanding, creating a sense of belonging crucial for our mental health.

Choosing friends who add positivity to your life helps you form meaningful connections. Healthy friendships typically encompass:

Shared values: Believing in the same principles builds a solid foundation for your relationship.
Encouragement: Surround yourself with optimistic people who uplift and encourage you.
Reliability: Friends who demonstrate reliability and trustworthiness create security within the relationship.
Mutual respect: Wholeheartedly respect each other's opinions, boundaries, and individuality.
Communication: Open, honest communication within friendships allows for a deeper understanding and connection.
Supportive during challenges: Showing empathy and helping during challenging times is imperative to fostering healthy friendships.
Celebrate successes: Celebrate each other's successes and truly share each other’s joy and accomplishments.
Regular check-ins: Regular check-ins and active participation in each other's lives promote closeness and make the other feel like they matter.

Style #4: Professional Relationships

Connecting with colleagues, mentors, and industry professionals can significantly impact your career growth, job opportunities, and overall satisfaction in the workplace.

You can establish and maintain professional relationships in the following ways:

Practice clear, open communication to ensure mutual understanding and collaboration
Be attentive and actively listen to colleagues, respecting their perspectives
Build trust by consistently delivering on commitments and deadlines
Actively engage in networking opportunities to expand professional connections within and beyond your industry
Request feedback from colleagues and supervisors to demonstrate your commitment to continuous improvement
Value contributions from team members and acknowledge various skill sets
Address conflicts professionally, seeking resolutions that prioritize the well-being of the team and the organization
Establish mentorship relationships to gain guidance and insights from experienced professionals in your field
Acknowledge and appreciate your colleagues
Invest in your professional development and encourage others to do the same, fostering a culture of continuous learning

Style #5: Acquaintanceships

Acquaintances often bridge the gap between your immediate circles and broader networking opportunities. These diverse backgrounds offer varied perspectives, making them valuable for finding unexpected career paths, mentorships, and professional growth.

Acquaintances introduce you to various social scenes, providing access to events and gatherings that extend beyond the usual. Intentional efforts allow you to balance acquaintanceship, networking, and an active social life. Identifying shared interests, attending diverse social functions, and embracing authenticity can expand your social network, creating more genuine connections.

Style #6: Self-Relationship

Self-love, self-care, and personal development are essential for a fulfilling, balanced life. Acknowledging and nurturing your needs is a form of self-compassion and a foundation for overall well-being.

You can practice self-compassion in several ways:

Participating in mindfulness, daily reflection, and positive affirmations
Embracing imperfections
Enhancing personal growth through goal setting and progress tracking
Prioritizing physical health with lifestyle choices
Engaging in continuous learning for skill development
Establishing healthy boundaries in relationships
Exploring creative expressions for emotional understanding
Seeking help from a certified therapist when necessary

Learn How Your Relationships Are Impacting Your Life With The Love of Attraction

Humans have a biological and inherent need for connection. We often feel a sense of despair and hopelessness when we experience disconnection, whether from ourselves or others.

Recognizing diverse relationship types and their distinct influences on your life can help you form stronger bonds and enforce boundaries when required. A proactive approach to understanding and nurturing relationships can enhance your well-being and fulfillment.

Kathleen Maiman offers a safe space and a guiding hand for individuals and couples to connect with themselves, their partners, and the world around them.

Learn more

Become More Loving this Valentine’s Day

Mon, 12 Feb 2024 20:15:10 GMT

Many of us will get caught up in the romance and fairy-tale aspect of love and the superficial elements of how it looks versus how it feels. If we do fall in love with the illusion of connection or security of the situation offers, we don’t let ourselves get too close to the other person. That is because, while most of us think we want love, we often actually take actions to push it away. That is why the first step to being more loving is to get to know and challenge our own defenses.

Challenge your defenses that limit true love

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." Rumi

Many people have fears of intimacy of which they aren’t even aware. We may be tolerant of realizing our dreams of falling in love, however intolerant of having that dream fulfilled in reality. When being loved by someone, our defenses can be activated due to unresolved emotional pain and anxiety from childhood. When we give and receive love, our unconscious stirs. Therefore, the biggest obstacle to finding and maintaining a loving relationship is often us.

As the Rumi quote above says, we have to get to know what defenses we bring to the table that ward off love. For example, if we grew up feeling rejected, we may feel anxious about getting too close to another person. We may not feel we can really trust or rely on a partner, so we either cling to that person or ward him or her off, both which lead to the same result of creating distance.

If we felt criticized in our childhood, we may have trouble feeling confident or worthwhile in our relationships. We may seek out partners who put us down in ways that feel familiar, or we may never fully accept our partners loving feelings for us, because they threaten this early self-perception.

If we felt intruded on in our early lives or if we had an “emotionally hungry” parent, we may avoid intimacy altogether and feel pseudo-independent, or we may subconsciously seek out people who depend on us to meet all their needs and more. Again, both of these extremes can lead to relationships that lack real closeness and intimacy.

The good news is we can start to break these destructive relationship patterns by better knowing ourselves and our defenses. Why do we choose the partners we do? What are the qualities we’re drawn to – good and bad? Are there ways we distort or provoke our partner to act in ways that fit with our defenses? How do we create distance? What behaviors do we engage in that may feel self-protective but actually push love away?

Move away from past defensive mechanisms that no longer serve you in the present.

As you bump up against these old familiar feelings and ingrained patterns and defenses, you can start to become conscious of how they are no longer serving you. Here are some steps in this process.

Become conscious of critical and punishing and destructive attitudes that you have internalized in your early years.
Differentiate from undesirable traits in your parents that you see in yourself
Challenge the defensive reactions you had as a child that no longer serve you in the present
Learn to live by your own values of: who do you want to be?

Therefore, go for what you want in love and life by living less defended.

How to Make Love Last

Even after we’ve dropped our guard and allowed ourselves to fall in love, as soon as we get scared, be it of losing our partner or differentiating from our old, familiar identity, we should avoid the characteristics listed above and take the following actions.

Be affectionate. Find even the smallest ways to make contact and show affection and attraction.
Slow down and be present. Make time to really listen and talk to your partner.
Make eye contact. It sounds simple, but we often forget to just look at our partner.
Do what is familiar and what you enjoy. Make time and don’t stop doing the activities you loved to do together.
Try new things. Keep suggesting new activities and be open to ones your partner suggests. This will keep the love alive.
Break up the routine. If doing the same thing is deadening your excitement, be open to breaking the habit and making space for spontaneity.
Avoid passivity and control. Strive for an equal exchange of ideas. Take responsibility for your own actions and don’t try to control your partner.
Talk as an “I” instead of a “We”. Remember you will always be two separate people and not to overstep boundaries.
Be aware of your critical inner voice. We all have an inner enemy that criticizes ourselves and our partner and undermines our closest relationships.
Do something independently. Just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. Don’t give up friendships and activities you enjoy on your own and don’t ask you partner to either.
Communicate what you feel. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Saying what you want and feel directly helps you avoid passive-aggressive or nasty ways of relating. It also encourages your partner to do the same. Use feeling statements: I feel sad when you disengage from me.
Go for what you want: Tell your partner what would help you feel loved and cared for.
Avoid the “tit for tat” mentality. Love is an action each of us must choose for ourselves. When we start measuring what we do for each other, we create expectations and breed resentment instead of staying in touch with how good it feels to be loving toward someone else.
Support the things that light your partner up. Never stop supporting and encouraging your partner to be the most alive and to do the things that make your partner feel the most like him/herself… even when those things aren’t what matter most to you.
Take actions your partner would perceive as loving. Make sure the things you do are things that matter specifically to your partner. You may love getting flowers, but is that something that would make your partner feel loved?
Don’t become closed off. It’s much too easy to shut down whenever we feel embarrassed, anxious, disappointed, or triggered by our partner, but we have to fight to not be closed off and push away the love that comes toward us.

Enjoy each other this Valentine’s Day!

Do You Ever Feel Angry?

Mon, 29 Jan 2024 14:45:53 GMT

Do you ever feel angry? If you do, it’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with experiencing this human emotion. However, the issue with anger is what you do with it. Do you suppress it? Do you leak it out? Do you suffer in silence? Do you lose your lid with it?

Anger is a secondary emotion that is typically triggered by something else — usually fear, sadness, shame or guilt. When we begin to dig deeper into the reason why we are feeling angry, our communication regarding it can become more productive and constructive. Many people never learn how to process anger properly. As a result, relationships become a battlefield with consequences that are painful and lead to further disconnection.

It’s important to understand that love and uncontrolled anger can’t coexist. Love seeks the well-being of the other, while uncontrolled anger tears down relationships and destroys the people in them.

So what can you do if you find yourself handling your anger in an unhealthy way? Here are five tips:

Recognize it is there and admit it . There’s nothing inherently wrong about anger. It is an emotion that gives us a clue that something has been violated; something feels unfair or unjust to you. So give yourself permission to recognize that you are feeling anger. Also, give permission to others to feel their anger too.
Speak about your anger and express it. Don’t move behind an anger wall and when asked if you are okay, say Fine! When you are angry, don’t portray your anger through passive aggressive icy coldness and expect others to know and read your thoughts. If someone has done or said something to upset you, express that you’re feeling angry and why. The other person deserves to know what you are feeling and why there is distance between you. You can’t repair something that is unseen or unexpressed.
Follow rules of engagement. Every conflict needs rules of engagement. Avoid using terms when addressing the issue or situation with extreme terms of “always and never” that refer to absolutes or exaggeration. Be careful to stay focused on the specific action or words that upset you, telling the person how you feel. Attacking the person over the behavior is not healthy or acceptable communication. Stay away from using phrases, you made me feel! This is blaming and can resort to the other person reacting with defensiveness. Own your feelings and reactions.
See another’s perspective . There are two (or more) sides to every story. You see things form one perspective: yours. Don’t fly off the handle and attack the other person. Become curious, not furious and give the other person a chance to explain his or her perspective. Genuine curiosity allows you to hold more than one perspective and is an indicator that you are handing your anger in a mature way.
Be relational and repair. Some relationships in life are irrelevant—the taxi cab driver who was rude to you, the person you dated when you were young and foolish and clearly not the one for you. Conversely, the people closest to you; these relationships are worth repairing. Nobody is a perfect human. Everyone messes up, even you. Therefore, relationships are complex and challenging and no relationship survives long-term without forgiveness. Anger highlights something is erroneous, but that doesn’t mean you have to walk away at the first mistake. Endeavour to hear each other out, resolve and dissolve the issue, learn from the experience, and move on together. Healthy relationships need lots of apologies and forgiveness.

The next time you experience anger, take a moment to dive deeper into yourself, ask yourself why you are feeling that way, and use the steps above to navigate a healthy discussion regarding it. Your relationships will become strengthened and trustworthy.

Note: If anger turns to rage in your relationships, you may want to seek out the help of a relationship therapist.

Does Marriage Counselling Help? Insights from a Calgary Marriage Counsellor

Wed, 24 Jan 2024 19:45:42 GMT

Marriage counselling in Calgary, couples therapy, or relationship counselling helps couples navigate their challenges while enhancing their overall relationship.

In fact, research shows that 66% of couples who take part in positive couples therapy tend to recover from infidelity and strengthen their bond in the process.

The goal of relationship help in Calgary is to foster a healthier, more satisfying relationship by equipping couples with effective tools and strategies for overcoming obstacles.

But does marriage counselling really help? Keep reading to learn a few insights from a Calgary marriage counsellor.

What is Marriage Counselling?

Marriage counselling addresses various concerns, including lack of communication, conflict resolution, intimacy issues, infidelity, and life transitions. It typically involves sessions with a trained, licensed therapist who facilitates open communication, explores underlying issues, and offers guidance to strengthen the emotional connection between you and your partner.

How does Marriage Counselling Work?

A marriage counsellor or relationship therapist witnesses how a couple interacts and treats one another through virtual connection or face-to-face meetings in an office setting. The therapist then devises a customized plan to start the reconciliation process. What works for one couple may not work for another.

Key Benefits of Marriage Counselling

Calgary marriage therapy has many benefits, including improving communication in relationships , conflict resolution, and a stronger emotional connection.

Improved Communication

Your therapist will encourage you and your partner to actively listen, effectively express your emotions, and pay attention to non-verbal communication.

Active listening : Marriage counselling teaches you and your partner to genuinely hear and understand each of your perspectives without judgment.
Effective expression: Express your thoughts and feelings clearly and constructively, including how to voice your needs, desires, and concerns.
Non-verbal communication: Your tone of voice and body language can help you convey your emotions and better understand your partner.

Conflict Resolution

Couples counselling helps partners learn strategies to resolve conflicts productively and in a healthy way. You can prevent conflicts from escalating by learning to identify triggers, find compromises, and use “I” statements.

Strengthen Emotional Connection

Effective marriage counselling in Calgary gives couples the tools and techniques to rebuild and strengthen their emotional bonds. Some of the more common strategies may include:

Emotional regulation
Boundary setting
Communication exercises
Conflict resolution and de-escalation
Assertiveness training
Reconnecting exercises
Forgiveness and healing

When to Seek Marriage Counselling

Couples counselling can be invaluable for resolving various relationship challenges in Calgary. Knowing when to consider marriage counselling is essential, as the earlier you seek help, the less escalation you and your partner endure. Here are some common signs that may indicate the need for couples counselling:

Persistent communication issues
Escalating conflicts
Trust or infidelity issues
Emotional disconnection
Loss of emotional intimacy
Major life transitions
Unresolved past issues
Lack of sexual intimacy
One-sided effort
Gut feeling
Being proactive

Can Marriage be Saved After Infidelity?

The short answer is yes. Your marriage can be saved after infidelity — if you both want it to work. However, diagnosing and working through the relationship problems that led to being unfaithful takes time, honesty, and hard work.

Some of the more common reasons for infidelity are:

Feeling neglected
Falling out of love
Revenge
Feeling unappreciated
Sexual boredom
Different sexual appetites
Opportunity

Success in Marriage Counselling

Therapists often see one partner being resistant to counselling. If this sounds familiar, try having an open, empathetic conversation with your loved one about the benefits of counselling and how it could benefit you, and even share some marriage counselling success stories.

Commitment and willingness to participate are essential to your success. Marriage counsellors skilled in working with resistance can help create a more welcoming, supportive environment that facilitates change.

Limitations of Marriage Counselling

Choosing the right couples counsellor can help you avoid common hurdles in your relationship rebuild. Here are some steps and factors to consider when choosing couples therapy in Calgary:

Both partners must be open and willing to change
Know that there may be some emotional discomfort involved
Consider costs, location, and schedule
Research and read reviews
Verify the therapist’s licensing and credentials
Evaluate their specialization and experience
Understand their therapeutic approach
Schedule a consultation to ensure you and your partner feel comfortable and compatible
Ask questions (success rates, what to expect, etc.)

Considering Couples Therapy in Calgary?

Restore your connection with The Love of Attraction.

Choosing a counsellor in Calgary isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a proactive step toward strengthening your relationship and sparking the passion that drew you together in the first place.

Our licensed therapists help you work through the problems that lead to seemingly endless relationship struggles. We offer the tools and insights to navigate challenges and create a more fulfilling, healthier partnership.

Rebuilding your relationship is possible. Contact your Calgary couples therapist to book your appointment or for more information.

Deepen Your Connection: How Couples Retreats Transform Relationships

Tue, 19 Dec 2023 14:25:30 GMT

Couples retreats enable you and your partner to spend time together without distractions or other demands that draw attention away from each other. They offer a luxurious, relaxing environment to openly communicate, spend quality time together , and have fun. They teach unique coping skills and can be a wonderful way to strengthen and deepen relationship connections.

Keep reading to learn why couples retreats in Banff and beyond are becoming increasingly popular.

Uninterrupted Time Together – A Rare Commodity

Between commitments and daily responsibilities, it’s all too easy for a once romantic spark to flicker and dim. Investing in a couples retreat isn’t just a luxury; it’s essential for a long-lasting relationship. A getaway enables you and your partner to escape from the demands and routines of everyday life and offers a dedicated space to focus solely on one another.

Romantic getaways have many benefits. They provide a unique opportunity for uninterrupted quality time to reconnect on a deeper level . Retreats offer a chance to participate in meaningful conversations, create cherished memories, and explore new experiences together. Engaging in a couples retreat shows a commitment to your relationship and a willingness to strengthen your connection, intimacy, and happiness.

Guided Activities for Relationship Growth

During a couples therapy retreat, couples interact in group discussions, workshops, team-building exercises, one-on-one bonding time, and counselling sessions. These guided activities teach valuable skills that strengthen your relationship while enhancing communication, understanding, patience, and empathy.

The Role of a Neutral Environment in Healing

Your environment can play an essential role in healing and renewal. Stepping into a new, neutral setting can help couples reset their challenges while providing a unique opportunity for connection and growth. Familiar spaces can keep you stuck in past experiences and conflicts, hindering understanding and communication. Changing your environment through a couples retreat can shift your and your partner’s mindsets, creating a safe space for vulnerability and open, honest communication.

Learning and Sharing with Other Couples

Couples counselling retreats allow you and your partner to connect with like-minded couples who want to improve their relationships. Gaining insights and inspiration from shared experiences, genuine connections, and meaningful conversations during these retreats creates a safe, supportive community.

Hearing and learning from other couples in group sessions provides different perspectives and insights into typical relationship issues. Sharing experiences can help you relate to others and provide ongoing support and encouragement throughout your relationship journey.

Taking Tools Home – The Lasting Impact

A truly transformational couples retreat helps you integrate the insights and practices learned into your everyday life. Participants learn to develop personalized strategies and action plans for sustainable relationship changes.

Whether it's through prioritizing quality time together, practising active listening, or implementing new routines, the retreat experiences offer the tools and motivation to create lasting positive change. After the retreat, you and your partner can continue your transformative journey by consistently putting the lessons you learn into action throughout your daily lives.

Investing in Your Relationship’s Future

Couples retreats provide a unique, transformative experience for partners looking to strengthen their relationships. By nurturing individual and collective growth, fostering connection and communication, offering intentional withdrawal from everyday routines, and empowering couples with long-term relationship tools, these getaways can equip couples with the knowledge to create fulfilling, lasting relationships.

Ready for an opportunity to connect and grow while enriching your partnership? A couples retreat with The Love of Attraction can help you navigate the obstacles that interfere with a happy relationship and spark the flame that brought you together in the first place.

Let’s create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship together.

Our next couples retreat in Banff will run from April 5th, 2024 to April 7th. Book your next couples retreat before March 14, 2024 to save $100 with our early bird discount.

Do You Believe the Stories Your Mind Tells You?

Mon, 18 Dec 2023 17:44:54 GMT

Do you believe the stories your mind tells you? If so, what happens?

Has this happened to you? Something happens and you get upset. Your boyfriend doesn’t call you back at the time he said he would. You get upset and before you know it, your mind goes down a rabbit hole. You then can’t focus on anything else. Your mind spins and the story goes like this:

How could he be so inconsiderate?

Doesn’t he think about me?

Why am I more invested in this relationship than he is?

This is never going to work. I am going to break up with him when he does finally call.

Welcome to the land of stories!

Something as innocuous as a misunderstanding or a miscommunication or someone just getting distracted and being forgetful turns into a battle. This battle could be righteousness and lend itself into righteous indignation. We become fixed in our own perspective, lose empathy or understanding for another and cause annihilation. At the center of all this is our activation and our stories.

You start projecting all these ideas onto the other person: why he said what he did, why he’s so careless, what must be wrong with me and why does this keep happening?

And where does all this happen. It happens in one place: your mind.

Inevitability you start to feel lousy in the stories. You may ruminate on it for minutes, hours and days, not being present to anything else that is going on in your life. Then you start pulling all kinds of negative energy towards you. As with any story, the mind starts to look for evidence for why you should be upset and you are no longer safe and cannot trust. It all seems so REAL – this place of stories that we’ve created and keep on visiting over and over.

The Main Character of our Stories

The protective part – the self or the ego is just trying to keep you safe. Safe, on its terms means that you never get hurt, scared, or undermined ever again. Unfortunately, it goes about trying to keep you safe in all sorts of detrimental ways.

Say you fell in love with someone in college and this person broke your heart. Or your last partner cheated on you and you felt like a fool. Your protective part has kept a good score of the signs and will go to great lengths to keep you safe by never letting you get too close to someone. This way, the protector can guarantee you’ll never be devastated again.

Or maybe you were not prioritized as a kid. You had many siblings and your parents spread themselves between you and your brothers and sisters while working to make ends meet. You were invisible and felt a lot of pain around not being attended to. This scar gets scratched every time someone doesn’t attend to you in the way you long for or wish for and the rawness stirs up the old painful emotion.

At times, you thought you buried all this and dealt with it and there it is again. At any sign of “attack” your protector conjures up all the stories that were made up as a kid about your worth and lovability.

Real Safety Isn’t in your Mind, No Matter How Much You Think

Being ruled by the protective part of you isn’t fun. It constantly perceives threat and creates a false sense of safety.

This becomes your prison and fear takes over, tightening the Gordian knot. There is no real safety in this prison or in fear.

If you’re always on the offensive, there is still no guarantee against outside circumstances. You have no control over what happens out there. Control is an illusion.

You’re only true safety lies in knowing that you can handle whatever is happening.

When you can interrupt the breaker switch that creates the stories, you are no longer expending energy in creating stories that are probably not even true and are only fueling the fire.

You move from being in the negative past or projecting a chaotic future. You become more present and ultimately, more empathic to what is happening in real time.

Your boyfriend might have just got caught up in something unexpectedly or ran out of juice on his phone and doesn’t have his phone charger. The story no longer matches the reality.

Your Body is Your Safest Haven and it knows the Truth

When your mind goes into stories over a perceived slight or attack, you’ve essentially tuned out of your body. Your body is the only place where you’ll find the real story.

The real story is that you are magnificent. And you are LOVE.

Your body, unencumbered by all the thoughts of your mind, knows this intuitively. It knows that that no matter what happens “out there”; the core of who you are is LOVE and cannot be touched.

Your body has been trying to talk with you all the time. The soul speaks to the body, and the body speaks to the mind. But your mind has been drowning it out with its nonsense.

When you anchor into your body, your mind is tethered and will no longer go into the stories that in turn generate fragmented energy that weighs you down, exhausts and you and keep you from living the magnificent life you were born for.

See, your true self doesn’t worry, or fret or feel that the world is against you.

Your true self simply is. And what is….is magnificent.

In this magnificence, there is ease. Your true self knows that is it not defined by what anyone says or does – or doesn’t say or do. It knows that you are safe just because you exist and it also knows that everyone else is too. Your true self knows that if anyone is behaving a way that does not feel right, kind or safe, it’s because they are being driven by their protector or ego.

But as long as you allow your protector to rule the show, you’ll be robbing yourself of everything you were meant to be and experience. You can’t be in protection and connection at the same time.

How to Live the Magnificence You Already Are

You really have two choices: you can go to the mind and keep trying to figure out why that person did this or that – and keep spinning – or you can take your attention to your body for a greater sense of self and the situation.

By bringing conscious attention and awareness to what is underneath the mind, ie to shift your awareness from the mind to the body, you’ll not only feel calmer and not at the mercy of life. You’ll also free up all this space to start generating new ideas and solutions for your life.

Your body is always trying to communicate with you – whether through a gut feeling or a lump in the throat, or the tinnitus (ringing) in your ear. These are all messages from your authentic self-saying: Will you please listen?

So, here are 4 questions: to consider:

Name the emotion you are feeling: (pick from these feeling words, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, love, fear, joy)
Where do you feel this in your body: eg. stomach
What is the sensation there? eg. tightness
If this tightness could speak, what would it say? It’s time to take a break and rest

Keep on cycling through the 4 questions as different emotions and body sensations arise. By listening to your body, you are moving out of the madness of the mind.

In addition, another body awareness technique is breathing. Breathe in and out of your nose. Breath in for a count of 2, exhale to a count of 4, breathe in for a count of 3, exhale for a count of 6, breathe in for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 8 and then breathe in for a count of 3 and exhale for a count of 6 and back to a count of 2 and 4. Allow yourself to feel calmer and have more space.

With these 2 techniques, you’ll get more used to operating in this relaxed state – regardless of your external circumstances, so you are not like a leaf blowing in the wind, affected by circumstances. You stay grounded, no matter what’s happening. And that is the real story.

Stay tuned for the upcoming Stress Detox course that will be provided in 2024. Happy holidays to you and your family and may you feel peace and relaxation this season.

What are the Holiday Blues?

Wed, 22 Nov 2023 14:19:21 GMT

Feelings of sadness that last throughout the holiday season—especially during the months of November and December—are often referred to as the holiday blues or holiday depression.

The holidays are usually viewed as a time of happiness and rejoicing. But for some people, it can be a period of painful reflection, sadness, loneliness, anxiety and depression.

Even people who love the holidays can experience the blues during this busy season. The holidays are often a time of high emotion and demands, which can leave a lot of people feeling stressed and exhausted.

People with a prior mental health condition may be even more prone to experiencing holiday depression. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 64% of people with an existing mental illness report that the holidays make their condition worse.

Signs & Symptoms

The most common symptom of holiday depression is a persistent or recurring feeling of sadness begins during the holiday season. This feeling may vary in intensity and duration. Some people might feel down periodically, but experience brief periods of feeling more upbeat.

Some signs of holiday depression might include:

Changes in appetite or weight
Changes in sleep patterns
Depressed or irritable mood
Difficulty concentrating
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Feeling more tired than usual
Feeling tense, worried, or anxious
Loss of pleasure in doing things you used to enjoy

Feeling sad during the winter and holiday months may also be a sign of seasonal affective disorder (SAD). It is a form of major depressive disorder (MDD) that occurs in seasonal patterns during certain months of the year.

Holiday Depression vs. SAD

Holiday depression and SAD can be difficult to distinguish from one another, but the duration and severity of your symptoms are usually your best clues.

Holiday Depression

Starts around November or December and lifts shortly after the new year ends
Symptoms are fairly mild

SAD

Typically lasts about 40% of the year—starting in the late fall and early winter until the spring and summer.
Often more severe and can be debilitating

If the holiday season passes and you're still feeling depressed or anxious, you should talk to your doctor or a mental health professional to determine if what you are experiencing is a more significant mood disorder.

Diagnosing the Holiday Blues

The holiday blues is not a recognized psychiatric condition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the manual used by clinicians to diagnose mental health conditions.

This does not mean that you should not talk to your doctor about any concerning symptoms. During your appointment, your doctor will ask questions about the types of symptoms you have been experiencing, including the duration and severity.

Your doctor can assess your symptoms and determine what they represent. Your doctor can also perform tests to check for any underlying medical conditions that might be contributing to your symptoms. Hypothyroidism, for example, can sometimes lead to fatigue and symptoms similar to that of depression.

Causes

There are a number of reasons why people might experience holiday depression.

Some of the possible causes include:

Lack of sleep: A hectic holiday schedule can lead to a lack of sleep which increases stress.
Excess eating and alcohol use: Unfortunately, people sometimes turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms to handle holiday sadness and stress. Excessive drinking and overeating can make the symptoms of holiday depression even more pronounced.
Financial stress: Overextending yourself financially or struggling to afford gifts for family and friends can create an added burden of financial stress.
Isolation and loneliness: Not being able to spend the holidays with your family and friends can make the holiday season seem especially lonely.
Unrealistic expectations: Sometimes even having high hopes for the season can lead to holiday stress and sadness. The over-commercialization of the holidays can create the expectation that people are supposed to feel nonstop joy and holiday cheer, which can create pressure to feel a very specific way, adding yet another stressor to an already hectic time of year.

Because the holidays mark an impending new year, people may also begin to reflect on the past year and experience feelings of regret or failure. They might think about the goals they had and the things they wanted to accomplish and feel

upset if they did not meet those expectations.

It isn't just adults who are prone to seasonal sadness. Changes in routines, dealing with family problems, missing friends, and feeling stressed around the holidays can all contribute to feelings of sadness and depression in kids. Watch for the signs and talk to your child’s pediatrician if you are concerned.

Treatment

Unless you are diagnosed with major depression, your doctor probably won’t prescribe medications to treat your holiday depression symptoms. In many cases, holiday depression can be managed with lifestyle changes and social support. Your doctor may refer you to a mental health professional for psychotherapy.

Though the holiday blues are usually short-term, talking to a mental health professional can help. Your therapist can work with you to identify patterns of negative thinking that contribute to feelings of sadness and depression and to replace those thoughts with more helpful ones, an approach that is known as cognitive behavioural therapy.

Therapy can also help you develop better stress management, communication, and relationship skills that can be helpful in both the short and long term.

Coping With the Holiday Blues

In addition to talking to your doctor or a mental health professional, there are a number of things that you can do on your own to make the holidays easier to deal with.

Drink Only in Moderation

Alcohol is a depressant and drinking too much can exacerbate any negative feelings that you might have. This doesn't mean you need to go cold turkey. Instead, limit your consumption and avoid using alcohol as a way to deal with or

avoid difficult emotions. If you choose to drink, try to limit yourself to one or two alcoholic drinks when you are out at social functions.

Don't drink alcohol if you're feeling down. Excessive drinking will only increase your feelings of depression.

Don’t Isolate Yourself

Social isolation can be a major risk factor for depression. The problem is that sadness often makes you want to hide by yourself at home. And if you are on your own apart from family for the holidays, reaching out and finding social support be

all the more difficult.

Look for ways that you can enjoy social connections, even if you aren’t able to go home for the holidays. If you’re feeling lonely, ask a friend to come over for a heart-to-heart. Join a local club, volunteer for something you believe in, or even

see a counselor for support.

Exercise Regularly

While it can be difficult to stick to a workout schedule when you are feeling down, research has shown that regular physical activity can play an important role in preventing and reducing symptoms of depression.

So while hitting the gym can be tough when you are stressed, busy, and feeling sad, try to remember that you don’t need to glue yourself to the treadmill or weight machine to feel the benefits.

Even a casual activity like going for a short walk each day might be enough to help keep the holiday blues at bay.

Learn to Say 'No'

The holidays often mean that there are more people asking for help and making demands on your time and resources. Holiday party invites can turn into stressful social obligations. Small favors for friends can morph into huge projects that you didn't anticipate. Avoid overcommitting by knowing your limits and learning how

to say “no”.

Find Time for Yourself

Make sure that you leave enough time for yourself to relax. Even 15 to 20 minutes a day to enjoy some quiet time, read a book, listen to music, take a bath, do yoga, or some other relaxing activity can do wonders for your stress levels.

Set Realistic Expectations

It’s fine to be excited about the holidays and make plans for the things you want to do. But it is also important to keep your expectations realistic and reachable.

Holidays change just as people change. Kids grow older, people move, and new people will become a part of your life. The key is to focus on those connections, create new traditions, and remember past holidays with fondness while still enjoying the one right in front of you. Focus on enjoying the experience and the time you get to spend with your loved ones rather than on achieving a picture-perfect end result.

The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be special. They don’t have to be exactly like the holidays of the past to be just as meaningful and memorable.

How to Get Help

If the holiday blues turn into something more serious or if your sadness doesn’t ease after the holidays are over, your symptoms might be a sign of something else. You might have a condition such as major depressive disorder, and you might need to explore other treatment options including psychotherapy and medications.

If your symptoms aren’t getting better or you are struggling to function as you normally do, it’s time to talk to your doctor or mental health professional.

How You Can Maintain the Retreat Experience

Wed, 25 Oct 2023 14:27:17 GMT

Couples weekend retreats enrich your relationship. They offer a serene opportunity to reconnect, re-establish the foundation of your love, and rekindle your romance.

But what happens when the weekend is over? Here’s how you can maintain that retreat experience in your day-to-day life.

Why Couples Escape With a Weekend Retreat

Couples seek relationship retreats for various reasons — recovery after an affair, sex and intimacy issues, midlife crises, communication problems, empty nest challenges, personal conflicts, and divorce.

Couples retreats help revive your connection, enrich your bond, deepen your sexual desire, and teach you how to grow personally and as a couple. A couples retreat with The Love of Attraction blends lectures on intimate relationship dynamics, self-exploration, and writing exercises.

As you learn new skills, including effective ways to communicate, truly listen, and gain a new compassionate understanding of one another, you’ll also learn how to change negative patterns, move away from conflict, and embrace appreciation, bringing a renewal of passion and pleasure in your relationship. A large portion of your weekend retreat involves privately practicing these new tools with your significant other so you can easily translate what you’ve learned into everyday life.

Life After the Couples Retreat

Once your weekend getaway ends, you and your partner should use your experience to continue growing and developing as a couple. One of the main takeaways from the retreat is understanding the predictable stages of your relationship, including the frustrations and struggles.

Avoid falling back into the same patterns that led to couples counselling in the first place by:

Maintaining conscious communication. Be present and mindful when speaking with your partner, and don’t be afraid to refer back to Harville Hendrix’s workbook from the weekend to relearn healthy communication skills.
Using your understanding of how your personal history affects your current relationship. Choosing to love and be loved is a beautiful thing, but it doesn’t always end with happily ever after. When you feel your past creep into your present relationship, you must communicate your feelings with your partner, assess the situation, and speak with your therapist if you can’t resolve the issue.
Discussing your feelings, needs, and desires without causing your partner pain. Sharing your inner experiences and feelings helps you connect on a deeper level. You also have a better chance of having your needs met, leading to a happier, healthier relationship. Effective communication is direct and clear. I-statements can help you share your emotions while decreasing defensiveness and chances of hurt feelings. For example, I feel XYZ because of XYZ, and I’d like XYZ. Always listen to one another intently and try to understand how the other is feeling.
Referring back to your workbook. Harville Hendrix provides an invaluable resource that’s yours to keep. Use your workbook as a refresher on the effective tools and techniques that can yield fast, significant relationship results.
Seeking ongoing support and resources. Some couples occasionally return to therapy for a relationship “check-in” to help maintain their connection.
Planning future retreats or relationship-building activities. If you’ve attended our Getting the Love You Want couples weekend, continue growing together with our Staying Connected: A Weekend for Couples experience. Retreats and relationship-building activities are perfect for deepening your emotional connection and escaping the hustle and bustle of life that can often interfere with your love for one another.

Stay Connected With The Love of Attraction

Whether rediscovering your passion and joy or experiencing it for the first time, a couples' weekend retreat with The Love of Attraction can deepen your connection, resolve recurring problems, and provide a healthier home environment.

Looking for more resources after your couples therapy weekend retreat? Consider a private session, intensive, or booking a future couples retreat in Alberta.

Get in touch

Breaking the Wall of Silence

Tue, 19 Sep 2023 14:05:05 GMT

Constant conflict, chronic disrespect, and serious betrayals get a lot of air time when we’re talking about bad relationships. It’s easy to understand that relationships fail when conflict is unrelenting.

However, after working with couples for 18 years, it has become crystal clear that those couples have a leg up on other couples that are struggling. At least they’re talking, even if they’re arguing, because not arguing means you’re not communicating.

Some partners avoid conflict because they think they’re keeping the peace. They tell themselves that whatever is bothering them isn’t worth bringing up. It’s no big deal.

However, these couples are at greater risk of “drifting apart with zero interdependence over time, and thus being left with a marriage consisting of two parallel lives, never touching, especially when the couple become ‘empty nesters’.

The unspoken issues and irritants add up until the tension will hit a breaking point.

Eventually partners explode, or worse, shut down. They try to speak up, but by that point, it’s often too late. They don’t have any gas left in the tank to fight for the relationship.

They’re just done.

Maybe at some point, one or both partners did fight. They did try for an improved understanding. They worked for it. However, improvements failed to stick, nothing worked, and needs failed to get met until one or both decided it was better to retreat from the relationship emotionally and stop fighting for it.

Sometimes silence is a deliberate choice. No one is yelling or using disrespectful language. However, those on the receiving end of such silence hear the message: You have ceased to matter. You’re not worth my time or my attention.

So how do you break the silence in your marriage? Start by acknowledging it.

Phrases to Break the Silence

Hey, we haven’t really been talking lately. I have been feeling X and just haven’t known how to bring it up.
Can we check in? I know I’ve gone radio silent and shut down. I’m not even sure I can explain it all but I’d like to try, if you’re willing to listen to me bumble about a bit while I sort it all out.
I’m not sure what’s going here but I feel like we haven’t really spoken in X amount of time. Do you have time to talk tonight?
I miss you. We don’t really talk anymore and I am not sure why. I haven’t asked because I am afraid you’ll say it’s my fault but I miss you. I miss us.

Partners stop talking because they fear what might happen after the conversation starts. What happens if we start talking and can’t work it out? What happens if I ask my partner what’s bothering them and I can’t handle the answer? What happens if I tell my partner what’s bothering me and they don’t care?

Those fears play into why people stay silent. Tell your partner what’s on your heart.

State Your Fears

If you’re worried about what your spouse might say, think, or do, be transparent about that. Tell your partner what you want them to think or know:

I know I’m not the best communicator but silence can’t be good. I’m nervous that we’re going to end up in a fighting match. I really don’t want to fight with you. I want us to work this out together.
I know we keep trying. I know we keep failing but silence is giving up and I don’t want to do that.
I know that we haven’t been talking. The truth is, I’m scared because I’m desperate for us to connect. I feel like we are on opposite sides and I want to feel like we’re a team again. I want us to figure out some way to work this out even though neither of us really knows how to start.
Hey, I don’t want you to feel under attack here. I know I am to blame, too, but this conversation has to start somewhere. Our relationship is too important to me to not try so, here goes…
I caught myself the other day, telling a friend about how great you were with X. I realized I never told you that I thought you did that well. In fact, I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation that went beyond our to-do lists. Can we figure out a time to just check in, please?

Now that you’ve broken the silence in your marriage and opened the door to connection, the next step is to walk through it together.

Navigating a Relationship That Yearns For the Quality Time Love Language

Fri, 15 Sep 2023 14:08:43 GMT

People speak different love languages.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, well-known author and experienced family counsellor, people speak and understand love in five ways. Once you identify and understand your partner’s love language, you’ll have the key to a long-lasting, happy relationship.

Read on to learn the importance of spending quality time together and how it can be your ticket to love language paradise.

Understanding Love Languages

Keeping your emotional love tank full is as essential to your relationship as maintaining proper oil levels in your vehicle.

When your partner’s emotional love tank is full, they feel more secure in the relationship, their world looks brighter, and they’ll feel empowered to reach their highest potential.

Chapman’s five love languages include:

Quality time
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Physical touch

The Importance of Knowing Your Partner’s Love Language

Understanding your partner’s love language can increase your connection, enhance appreciation, and improve intimacy and communication . Knowing their language empowers you to prevent relationship problems by managing their expectations of what it means to be loved.

Once you understand how to reach your partner in an emotionally deeper way , you’ll have an easier time recognizing when they make concerted efforts towards your relationship — being loved becomes more apparent, enhancing the relationship and leaving you both more fulfilled.

Exploring the Love Language of Quality Time

Quality time reflects valuable moments of spending time with those you love, the language of togetherness. When your partner’s primary love language is quality time, they simply want you — your time, your undivided attention, your love. Being present in the moment and doing things you both enjoy communicates that you care about one another and enjoy spending time together.

A quality time love language example is quality conversation, meaningful sympathetic dialogue where you share your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires in a positive, uninterrupted environment.

Benefits of Prioritizing Quality Time in Your Relationship

Spending quality time together has many benefits for those looking to build stronger relationships, like:

Increased emotional connection and intimacy
Improved communication and understanding
Building trust and security in the relationship

Quality time is typically associated with travelling or long, restful periods but can be anything if you share high-quality moments together. Other quality time examples include nature walks, connecting over coffee, or enjoying a fancy dinner. If you’re looking for the best of both worlds, our Getting the Love You Want Couples Retreat in November at the Juniper Hotel in Banff is the perfect escape for reconnecting with one another. Create lasting memories and strengthen your bond with stunning scenery, luxurious accommodations, and various activities designed to bring you closer together.

Ready to Fall in Love Again?

A lack of quality time in a relationship has serious consequences, such as loneliness, frustration, and resentment. Sound familiar?

If you and your partner have reached a crossroads in your relationship or are struggling to navigate your love language, don’t lose hope. The Love of Attraction can re-ignite the spark that brought you together in the first place.

Let’s chat

Understanding Men and Male Emotions

Thu, 31 Aug 2023 19:46:17 GMT

In his book, “ I Don’t Want to Talk About it ”, psychologist Terry Real describes how boys endure the loss of the relational – being forced to separate from their feelings and their mothers on the way to becoming “men”. They learn to turn away from their fathers and their own pain toward work, money, success, sex, drugs, alcohol and other distractions. They covertly experience depression, which manifests mostly as numbness, boredom, apathy, cynicism and limited emotional range.

More often, men suffer from what is called alexithymia. They conform to traditional masculine norms that emphasize toughness, teamwork, stoicism and competition, discounting the expression of vulnerable emotions. It is considered normative to not feel or describe emotions. Normative doesn’t mean that it is natural or good. In fact, boys are born just as sensitive as girls are. However, through socialization, boys lose permission to feel and become disconnected.

When boys are raised without the tools to identify and communicate their feelings, they initially might still be able to express different kinds of emotions. Yet over time they will end up with a limited ability to express their full emotional range and will slowly become more emotionally anesthetized as they sink into covert depression.

When a man suffers from depression and male alexithymia, he is not experiencing all his emotions and therefore he experiences the world as hard, dull and boring. Over time, his partner forms the impression that he is stoic, boring and uninterested. Feeing unloved and alone, the partner may become bitter and look elsewhere for emotional companionship.

What boys are not taught is that feelings are natural. We are born feeling. Disconnection from feelings is often imposed on them at an early age of 3, 4 or 5. Boys receive messages: “Boys don’t cry”, “Don’t be a pussy”. They are told to shut their feelings down and “Be a big boy and man up”. Thus when they do have feelings either early or later in life, they are reluctant to speak up about their own needs and desires because they have been socialized to be unemotional and self-reliant and to feel ashamed of needing anything from anyone, particularly from a woman.

Another reason that men often silence themselves in relationships is the fear of conflict and ultimately the fear of abandonment or rejection. Men are often not confident of their ability to resolve conflict with their partner so, they are afraid to speak up about their needs in relationship because they worry that speaking up will make things worse, maybe even much worse.

Men’s fear of abandonment in relationship is perhaps most visible in the lengths that men will go to avoid conflict. Some men monitor their partner’s emotional states constantly and carefully, scanning for signs of potential conflict, criticism or disapproval.

Men are socialized to believe that they are responsible for their partner’s happiness, so any evidence that their partner is unhappy or dissatisfied is often interpreted by men as criticism or failure. They immediately assume they have done something wrong, that they are in the doghouse and will not return to favour until they figure out what they have done wrong and correct it. Reassurance from the spouse that they are not “in trouble” is rarely sufficient for them to feel they are off the hook.

To avoid women being angry with them, men willingly contort themselves to almost any extent. It is not uncommon for men to become so conflict avoidant in their intimate relationships that placating their partner becomes most important. This can lead to resentful compliance and further distancing and avoiding behaviours down the road. The mantra is Happy Wife, Happy Life lives inside them. Ultimately, men can become so unsettled by their partners being angry or disapproving that nothing else matters until it is fixed. All they want is her to stop being mad at them and be happy.

When men are willing to learn basic communication skills they generally feel relieved. Being more emotionally open is not as difficult as they had feared. They connect with their inner selves and as a result, they feel much closer to their partner and are grateful that there is less and conflict in their relationship. They even find that they can express their fears and concerns and they won’t be judged and rejected. When the emotional range of emotions are expanded, the good feelings of joy can also return. Hence, being intimate becomes satisfying for both parties.

Couples Retreats: Rejuvenate Your Relationship in Serene and Tranquil Settings

Thu, 31 Aug 2023 19:42:40 GMT

Regardless of the stage in your relationship, feeling disconnected from your partner can leave you feeling lost and lonely. From the blissfully romantic to those on the edge of divorce, couples retreats can help reignite your passion, form deeper connections , and improve your relationship.

The Importance of Couples Retreats

Various situations can cause undue stress in your relationship, like family, financial, mental, and illness — all facts of life, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore the devastating effects they can have on the love between you and your partner.

Taking time away to focus on your relationship is essential for long-lasting love and commitment. Couples weekend retreats are the perfect way to escape the hustle and bustle of everyday life, experience a new locatio n together, spend quality time as a couple, learn valuable relationship skills, and reconnect in a beautiful, serene setting.

Equally important is choosing a relaxing location that aligns with both your interests and preferences. Do you both enjoy walking picturesque hiking trails? Indulging in gourmet meals handcrafted by top chefs? Pampering yourselves with spa treatments? Whatever you’re into, your goal for attending a couples relationship-building retreat is to create long-lasting memories and strengthen your bond with your partner .

What Should I Expect at Couples Weekend Retreats in Alberta?

Couples weekend retreats provide an unforgettable opportunity to reflect on and rebuild your relationship. You can experience our relationship retreats throughout Alberta, with many taking place in the rugged beauty of Banff National Park.

While surrounded by nature, couples reflect, bond, and receive gentle guidance to achieve higher relationship satisfaction from registered psychotherapist and certified Imago relationship therapist Kathleen Maiman.

Choose between one-on-one bonding time, group discussions, and other fun exercises designed to enhance your romantic getaway and promote communication , relaxation, and intimacy. Engaging in various activities also gives you invaluable skills to address and resolve issues, strengthen your relationship, and become more patient and empathetic with one another.

Testimonials and Success Stories

Hear what other couples are saying about our Alberta relationship retreats:

“Thank you very much for creating such a safe and caring environment for us to do our work and internal growing at our weekend in Banff. We cannot express enough how much we appreciated everything about it and the wonderful gifts we both received from one another in the process."

“The weekend provided us with tools that we could use to assist us in communicating properly and effectively with one another during crisis moments and when we REALLY need to be heard by our spouse. It also gave us insight into how our past can creep into our present and hinder our future as a couple.”

Click to read more .

Planning and Logistics

When planning your couples retreats in Alberta, there are a few things to keep in mind:

Budget for accommodation, meals, and transportation
If you’re attending the Banff Weekend Retreat, we encourage you to stay at the Juniper Hotel, where we host these weekends. Couples who stay at the Juniper report that the “retreat environment” enables them to stay connected without common distractions.
Set goals and what you expect to gain from your weekend getaway
Bring your curiosity, open mind and heart, and desire for a better relationship

Are You Ready to Fall In Love Again?

Whether you’re in a good relationship and want a deeper connection , are drifting apart, or are just starting a new romance, couples retreats are your ticket to relationship paradise.

Prioritize your love with couples' weekend retreats that rejuvenate and strengthen your bond, teach you how to move forward from repeated disagreements, help you avoid past relationship mistakes, improve communication, and encourage lasting love.

Learn more

It’s Not Your Partner’s Fault You’re Angry

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 16:36:50 GMT

Have you ever said, “You’re making me mad!” in an argument? Have you blamed your partner for how you feel frustrated?

Take a moment to reflect. Was it your partner who was making you mad and frustrated, or is being mad actually your feeling that you need to take responsibility for?

According to Carol Gilligan, an American feminist, ethicist and psychologist “There is no voice without relationship and there is no relationship without voice.” Having a voice and being passionate, and being intense, is fine depending on how you voice it. And yes, it is good to voice how you feel in a relationship. Women, who suppress their voice in relationships, are four times more likely to die earlier than those who keep their feelings to themselves.

So, how do we express our feelings so they come across without blame?

It’s very different, if you’re expressing anger or frustration with an ‘I’ statement that describes how you feel, as opposed to pointing a finger at your partner and describing them as flawed.

Even if it’s not your proudest moment, owning your anger by saying, “I’m mad!” is okay, rather than saying, “You’re making me mad!”

You may be angry—or sad, or jealous, or resentful, or any other emotion—and that’s fine, but your partner isn’t making you feel that way. It’s okay to feel angry, as long as you acknowledge and own that it’s your feeling.

Watch this funny and cute video with Brene Brown on Blame.

How to Choose the Right Marriage Counselling in Calgary

Fri, 19 May 2023 13:35:33 GMT

Navigating relationship struggles can be challenging without professional help, as miscommunication and mishandling problems can lead to further devastation in your relationship.

When choosing to work with a couples therapist in Calgary , you need to ensure you’re in good hands.

What to Look For When Choosing Marriage Counselling in Calgary

While many Calgary marriage counselling options are available, you and your partner should choose someone who specializes in your situation.

First, determine your needs and goals for relationship counselling : What do you hope to achieve? Are you looking for more:
Appreciation?
Togetherness?
Communication?
Physical intimacy?
Support when family members interfere?
Acknowledgment of one another’s feelings and perspectives?
Next, research potential counsellors and their qualifications: Googling “marriage counselling Calgary reviews” is a great place to start. Once you’ve narrowed your list, inquire if the therapist has specific training in marriage counselling and couples therapy outside of a formal university degree. You also want to know how long they’ve been in practice.
Consider their counselling approach and compatibility with your values: Are you looking for:
Imago Therapy?
Online Couples Counselling in Calgary?
Mini Intensives?
Couples Weekend Retreats?
Couples Connection Weekend Retreats?

Look for a counsellor with experience in your specific issues: Ask questions like:

How much experience do you have helping couples with the issue/s you want to resolve?
What is your area of expertise or specialty?
What treatments have you found effective when resolving the issue/s you wish to fix?

Check out some of our 5-star reviews

Consider logistics such as location, availability, and cost: Choose affordable couples counselling in Calgary at a convenient location with a schedule you both can commit to.
Schedule an initial consultation to assess your comfort level and compatibility: Compatibility is key to success, so ensure you and your partner share your feelings following the consultation. Relationship therapy won’t work if one of you doesn’t feel comfortable.
Lastly, follow up and evaluate progress and satisfaction with counselling: After a few sessions, it’s time to reflect on your progress. How do you and your partner feel?
Is your communication better?
Have your behaviours improved?
Are you happier?

Ready to Work on Your Marriage With Relationship Counselling?

Deepen your intimacy and connection with the Love of Attraction. Kathleen, a Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist in Calgary, helps move clients beyond the hurt and frustration to a place of healing, happiness, and new beginnings.

Get in touch

4 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

Thu, 20 Apr 2023 14:48:11 GMT

Communication in relationships is vital to having happy, healthy connections. And we’re not just talking about small talk. We’re talking about the big stuff. The things that can be challenging to open up about. Healthy communication is about digging deeper and fulfilling your partner’s needs. Keep reading to discover four ways to improve communication in your relationship.

Tip #1: Get Out of Your Head

Trusting that your partner cares about you and is committed to making your relationship work is essential. Intrusive thoughts, like worrying your partner will leave you for someone better or thinking that you’re not good enough for them, pollute your relationship with fear and prevent you from being present in conversations and your partner’s emotions.

Tip #2: Incorporate Play and Humour

Sometimes the best way to diffuse conflict is by using play and humour. But tread lightly with this one. While it’s never a good idea to poke fun at serious issues, it can be a way to stop emotions from running high, taking ourselves too seriously, and breaking the ice with a laugh.

Incorporating play and humour involves paying attention to what your partner tells you and never using a condescending, resentful, or spiteful attitude.

Tip #3: Practice Open Communication

Learning how to better communicate with your spouse can go a long way in your relationship. When your spouse speaks, pay attention and listen to understand rather than to respond. Validate their thoughts and feelings by acknowledging and repeating some of what you just heard. And finally, ask questions.

Tip #4: Learn to Forgive

Forgiveness involves consciously letting go of hurt feelings, anger, and resentment. While it’s not always easy to forgive, understand that holding on to the past can prevent you from happiness, and that’s not easy either.

Need More Help? Deepen Your Connection by Attending A Couples Retreat

Relationships are a two-way street, and connection is an essential part of life. Humans crave it. When we don’t feel connected to our loved ones, it can isolate us and leave us feeling misunderstood and alone. These negative emotions often lead to feeling unheard, arguments with loved ones, or worse, giving up on trying to communicate.

If you and your partner are suffering from a lack of communication in your relationship and need something more, consider attending a couples therapy retreat in Alberta with The Love of Attraction.

Get in touch

4 Tips to Handle Conflict in Your Relationship

Fri, 24 Mar 2023 13:11:07 GMT

Regardless of how strong your relationship is or how compatible you are, there are bound to be some bumps along the road of love.

But did you know that, when handled properly, conflict can be essential for strengthening your partnership?

Keep reading to learn four tips on moving past conflict and preventing it from damaging your relationship.

Why Handling Conflict in Relationships is Important

Constant conflict can have devastating effects on your relationship when left untreated. But proven conflict resolution strategies can help keep challenges and disagreements at bay.

Tip #1: Learn to Communicate Effectively with Your Partner

Effective communication is key to diffusing conflict. However, many problems can arise during communication when someone listens solely to reply rather than listens to understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviours .

Tip #2: Practice Active Listening and Empathy

Use these active listening tips to communicate effectively with your partner:

Eliminate all distractions — phones, tv, radio
Face your partner and make eye contact
Allow your partner to finish speaking before saying anything
When it’s your turn to speak, paraphrase what you just heard: “Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying…”
Empathize with your partner by finding something about their perspective that you can agree with

Tip #3: Avoid Using Negative Language and Blame

Refrain from using “never” and “always” during disagreements. These trigger words can quickly escalate a heated discussion because they provoke defensiveness. Using negative statements in absolute terms attacks the recipient's entire personality, so instead of saying, “You never think about how I feel”, use “I” statements to keep the focus on your feelings, “I feel like my feelings don’t matter to you”.

Tip #4: Seek Outside Help When Needed

Both partners need to be open and willing participants when it comes to healthy conflict resolution. If you find this isn’t possible with your partner or spouse, you may want to seek help from a couples counsellor or therapist extensively trained on how to deal with conflict in a relationship.

If It's Time for Marriage Counselling, the Love of Attraction Can Help

Using conflict resolution in relationships improves communication, builds deeper connections , transforms relationships, and progresses both partners toward shared goals.

With our help, you and your partner can restore your love to a place of peace, respect, and understanding in a world where you feel comfortable communicating positively and effectively.

Get in touch

Improve Your Relationship With Weekly Marriage Meetings

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 22:33:55 GMT

One thing you’ll learn from couples therapy is “accountability”. Meaning your therapist holds both you and your partner accountable for participating and doing the necessary work to restore your relationship. But that work doesn’t stop once therapy is over.

Even when couples graduate from therapy, they must stay accountable for the relationship. You can easily do this by having weekly marriage meetings, where you and your partner discuss your feelings openly without judgment to prevent resentments from creeping back up.

What are Weekly Marriage Meetings?

Weekly marriage meetings are when you and your partner schedule regular discussions to align the priorities in your lives and weekly relationship check-in questions, including finances, chores, and weekly calendars.

There are three primary goals of weekly marriage meetings:

To increase awareness
To bring more peace and harmony into your relationship

To build deeper connection , communication, and understanding

What to do During Weekly Marriage Meetings

All relationships are unique, so what works for some may not work for others. Therefore, be creative where necessary and adjust the following weekly marriage meeting guidelines when required:

Attendance is mandatory: This is non-negotiable. Consistency is crucial to enhancing your relationship and making the weekly marriage meetings work. Eventually, you both should look forward to having this emotionally intimate time together.
Physically connect with your partner: Hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, ask each other how you’re feeling, and thank one another for committing to the meeting. These small gestures let your partner know you’re participating in big ways. Be emotionally and physically present at all times.
Discuss the positive first: Begin your session by discussing all the positive things that have happened since your previous meeting. Then, when transitioning to challenging areas, share feelings as well as tasks.
Choose a comfortable environment for both of you : Create a safe space to meet with your partner where you both feel equal. Peaceful settings like an outdoor patio, the coziest space in the house, or even somewhere meaningful to the both of you away from home work best.
Encourage full participation: Always keep the basic rules of communication in mind: the listener listens while the speaker speaks without being accusatory or defensive.

Partner With a Licensed Couples Therapist in Calgary to Improve Your Relationship

If you and your spouse have work to do before you can even think about having amicable weekly marriage meetings, speaking with a licensed couples therapist can help you get there.

Get in touch with your Calgary local relationship counsellor

Hurt Feelings: What do we do with them?

Tue, 21 Feb 2023 17:36:00 GMT

As a couples’ therapist, I will be on the receiving end of a client who comes in with hurt feelings. Many times, the partner makes a complaint about the other partner. This escalates the partner’s defense eg. a tit for tat response. “Well, you also do this to me” Or defensiveness arises: “ I didn’t do anything wrong – that is your perception”.

When we don’t know the full story behind the hurt feelings, and what this triggers in the other, a predictable negative dance spirals and can move those hurt feelings turn into resentment and indifference to the other.

Let’s take this story for example:

The client recounted her experience of having a neck injury, resulting in limited range of motion and pain when running her head.

After her injury, she and her husband had been driving on the freeway and as he was trying to make a last-second lane change, he asked her to check out the passenger side window for cars. She said she felt disregarded because he knew she was in pain, and his request only made it worse.

She called him a name that I won’t repeat here.

“If the roles were reversed, I would have been in the right lane way ahead of time so that I didn’t cause him pain. I was so mad at him,” she told me.

What’s wrong with her complaint?

Not a thing, but what you’re not hearing is her history of feeling like her needs don’t matter and like she is less important than others. As the youngest child from a large family that struggled financially, decisions were always made based on what was best for the larger unit, and her needs were often ignored because the bigger picture was, at times, quite dire. So, she is sensitive to situations where her needs are not acknowledged.

I’m reminded of the quote from William Faulker: “The past isn’t dead. It
isn’t even past.”

Triggers are normal

Here’s the kicker. This is a trigger for her. Triggers are normal, enduring vulnerabilities from moments in our past that escalate interactions in the present. They are normal because we all have them, and while their impact can be managed, they can rarely be eliminated.

Does this mean her husband did something wrong? Nope.

Is she just being overly sensitive? Nope.

It’s just not his trigger, so it didn’t occur to him that it could be an issue.

Further, when we only know what is happening in one person’s subjective reality, it is pretty easy to feel indignant on their behalf. But here’s the reality about subjective realities: all points of view are valid.

From his perspective, he grew up in a hardworking family where people worked through their pain and didn’t complain. His parents coached his sports teams, drove him to hockey at any ungodly hour of the morning, knew the names and phone numbers of all his friends, and taught him that he could be whatever he aspired to be.

They also yelled a lot and demanded what they wanted or needed. So because she had not clearly stated that being upright in a moving vehicle was causing lots of pain for her and that she really needed him to hold her lovingly, it didn’t occur to him that he was asking too much.

Hurt feelings are normal

In the grand scheme of life, this situation feels trivial. So why is it so important for the couple to talk about it? Because when someone’s feelings get hurt in marriage, it doesn’t automatically mean someone did something wrong. It just means feelings got hurt. It’s how couples manage it that matters.

In a perfect world, her husband would have been more careful about his driving and she would have been more clear at the beginning of the drive about her pain. But these things didn’t happen, so her feelings got hurt, then she got contemptuous towards him, and his feelings got hurt.

This is not actually an argument – it’s what we call a regrettable incident. Even the best couples have them. In our couples workshops and sessions, we teach couples how to repair after an interaction like this.

In a secure functioning relationship, I tell couples to “race to repair” and do it often. They remember their partner’s triggers and they respect them. Having these regrettable incidents doesn’t mean that you are a disaster at relationships or you are not meant to be together. Instead you recognize that each of us are imperfect and we step on each other’s toes and triggers from time to time. What makes a couple successful is that that they are willing to repair after a regrettable incident.

As Harville Hendrix PhD– author of Getting the Love You Want says, “Conflict is Growth Trying to Happen. It is an opportunity to look deeper behind the reactivity and see what unfinished hurts are rising to the surface. This offers each couple an opportunity to move into a conversation for recovery that includes insight, empathy and validation.

All it would have taken for this couple is for one of them to say, “I can see why your feelings got hurt. I am sorry it happened. Your feelings matter to me.” This is relationship repair that works.

Steps to Rebuild Trust and Restore Attachment - Advice from your Calgary Marriage Counsellor

Wed, 18 Jan 2023 16:59:48 GMT

Betrayal can be a difficult emotion to overcome, but it is possible. If you and your partner want to save your relationship after a betrayal , keep reading for trusted advice from your local Calgary marriage counsellor.

10 Ways to Rebuild Trust and Restore Attachment In Your Relationship

Healing can be a long journey. But, if both of you are willing to do the work, even the most devastating betrayal has a chance for amends.

Promise to Stay Devoted to One Another

You and your partner must commit to one another and do the necessary work to begin the healing process.

Both Parties Should be Accountable

The betrayer must prove they are sorry and do what it takes to regain trust. The betrayed must be willing to listen and reflect on their own behaviour to see if they somehow contributed to the betrayal.

Enhance Your Communication

Ask each other open-ended questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Don’t forget to listen to understand, not to react.

Schedule a Time to Discuss What Happened

Set aside 15-20 minutes daily to discuss the betrayal. This is more productive than it becoming a never-ending discussion.

Commit to Weekly Marriage Meetings

Strengthen your bond with weekly discussions about critical issues in your relationship, like finances, chores, and appreciation.

Promote Appreciation in the Relationship

Actively discuss and express your appreciation for each other. Having a positive perspective is key to rebuilding trust.

Refrain From Bad-Mouthing Your Partner to Others

When you commit to repairing your relationship, you should think twice before saying anything bad about your partner.

Grasp the Strength of Being Vulnerable

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is how you restore emotional attachment, strengthen your marital bond, and regain intimacy in your relationship.

Forgive Each Other

Take the time you need to process your emotions, but eventually, you need to forgive to heal.

#10

Work with an Experienced Marriage Counsellor

An experienced couples counsellor knows how to get couples to communicate constructively. They can help rebuild and regain trust in your marriage by guiding you in the right direction.

Regain the Magic in Your Relationship with The Love of Attraction

Need marriage counselling in Calgary? The Love of Attraction can help rebuild trust and restore attachment in your relationship today.

Get in touch

5 Holiday Tips: (Ways to Preserve Your Relationship and its Connectedness)

Thu, 22 Dec 2022 21:01:00 GMT

You can be Right or you can be in Relationship.

This holiday, seek to preserve your relationship and the connection between you and your beloved by choosing to be in relationship versus being right. Things may come up over the holidays. For example: old hurts, wounds and injuries or just differences in opinion. Let go of being “right” and making your partner wrong. You may say: “Honey: you are correct, I was that way and I am here now. I intend to have an awesome holiday with you”. Validating your partner and not making them wrong is a good tool to

preserve your wonderful connection.

Protect your relationship from THIRDS.

Who are those thirds? In-laws, children, step-children, parents, co-workers, and friends. Others that do not belong in the space between you. Therefore, lovingly push them out from the being in the middle. Both of you allow them to come in, so no fault here, ie when the couple bubble window opens, they float in. So, make a conscious effort to have the just two of you in your ‘couple bubble’ versus filled with THIRDS.

Make TIME for each other

Yes, this is a busy time of the year! Parties, shopping, visiting, seeing others. Our partner, the one we care about most can feel neglected, abandoned or rejected during this holiday season. By making quality time, you mitigate a future divorce. Yes, I am serious. It is well documented that in January and February, visits to the divorce lawyer increase as people become disillusioned with one another during the festivities. Preserve your relationship and make some QUALITY time, just the two of you over the holiday season.

Be Mindful of Your Alcohol Intake

Increasing our consumption of spirits goes with the season; however, the impact on your relationship can be destructive. Using mood altering substances can escape feelings of anxiety or unworthiness, however, can also create distance between couples. Just being mindful of your alcohol intake will allow you to stay present to what you are experiencing versus escaping. Inform you partner what you are feeling versus mood altering and gain their loving support. It will bring you closer.

Be a GOOD listener.

When you or your partner is upset this season, listen and be present to them. Also, listen for the vulnerability underneath their complaint. It may be worry, fear, sadness, disappointment, aloneness or a feeling of dismissal. Bring forth your curiousity and attend to them as you would to a scared, lonely or hurt child. This will foster a sense of safety, and reliance on one another.

Have a SAFE, SECURE and HARMONIOUS HOLIDAY SEASON! See you in 2023!

How To Form A Deeper Connection With Your Partner

Tue, 20 Dec 2022 14:24:15 GMT

Connecting with the person you love is one of the most intimate feelings you can experience. But relationships don’t become amazing on their own — it takes work to attain and maintain a long-term deep connection.

Why Emotional Connection is Important

Emotional connection creates trust and a deep understanding of your partner. However, to be heard, seen and appreciated by your partner, you need to be vulnerable enough to share your thoughts and feelings honestly.

But you must get to know yourself first.

How to Get to Know Yourself on a Deeper Level

Learning about yourself is crucial to forming emotional connections with others. Here are four ways you can deepen the connection with yourself:

Question Yourself: What are your values and desires? Is anything holding you back? What does your future look like? Are you living with unresolved trauma?
Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone: It's scary to leave the same routine to try something new, but challenging yourself allows for uncovering new talents and interests.
Write It Down: Write out your fears (past, present, and future), your dreams, and what you want for your future.
Practice Daily Meditation: Escape the chaos that naturally runs in the background of your mind — anxieties, judgements, doubts, gossip, ego, and instead, allow your inner voice to guide you to a state of peace and trust.

Deepening Your Connection With Your Partner

Connecting with your partner on a deeper level requires mutual trust and security. Here are three ways you can work towards that connection:

#1: Ask Open-Ended Questions

To get more than a yes/no answer, you must strategically phrase your questions to encourage your partner to reveal intimate details and emotions.

#2: Practice Active Listening

Listen to understand your partner’s feelings and point of view rather than listening to respond or judge. Show them you’re hearing them with eye contact, facial expressions, and nodding.

#3: Engage in Regular Conversations

Regular conversations help you learn more about your partner and yourself. Here are some ways to get the conversation started:

What’s your favourite memory of us?
What do you think about [….] ?
Are you dealing with any challenges at work?

Need Marriage Counselling in Calgary?

The Love of Attraction can help you and your partner connect on a deeper level so you can enjoy each other for years to come.

Get in touch today.

Does Marriage Counselling Help? Insights from a Calgary Marriage Counsellor

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 14:31:35 GMT

Marriage counselling in Calgary, couples therapy, or relationship counselling helps couples navigate their challenges while enhancing their overall relationship.

In fact, research shows that 66% of couples who take part in positive couples therapy tend to recover from infidelity and strengthen their bond in the process.

The goal of relationship help in Calgary is to foster a healthier, more satisfying relationship by equipping couples with effective tools and strategies for overcoming obstacles.

But does marriage counselling really help? Keep reading to learn a few insights from a Calgary marriage counsellor.

What is Marriage Counselling?

How does Marriage Counselling Work?

Key Benefits of Marriage Counselling

Calgary marriage therapy has many benefits, including improving communication in relationships , conflict resolution, and a stronger emotional connection.

Improved Communication

Your therapist will encourage you and your partner to actively listen, effectively express your emotions, and pay attention to non-verbal communication.

Active listening : Marriage counselling teaches you and your partner to genuinely hear and understand each of your perspectives without judgment.
Effective expression: Express your thoughts and feelings clearly and constructively, including how to voice your needs, desires, and concerns.
Non-verbal communication: Your tone of voice and body language can help you convey your emotions and better understand your partner.

Conflict Resolution

Strengthen Emotional Connection

Effective marriage counselling in Calgary gives couples the tools and techniques to rebuild and strengthen their emotional bonds. Some of the more common strategies may include:

Emotional regulation
Boundary setting
Communication exercises
Conflict resolution and de-escalation
Assertiveness training
Reconnecting exercises
Forgiveness and healing

When to Seek Marriage Counselling

Persistent communication issues
Escalating conflicts
Trust or infidelity issues
Emotional disconnection
Loss of emotional intimacy
Major life transitions
Unresolved past issues
Lack of sexual intimacy
One-sided effort
Gut feeling
Being proactive

Can Marriage be Saved After Infidelity?

Some of the more common reasons for infidelity are:

Feeling neglected
Falling out of love
Revenge
Feeling unappreciated
Sexual boredom
Different sexual appetites
Opportunity

Success in Marriage Counselling

Limitations of Marriage Counselling

Choosing the right couples counsellor can help you avoid common hurdles in your relationship rebuild. Here are some steps and factors to consider when choosing couples therapy in Calgary:

Both partners must be open and willing to change
Know that there may be some emotional discomfort involved
Consider costs, location, and schedule
Research and read reviews
Verify the therapist’s licensing and credentials
Evaluate their specialization and experience
Understand their therapeutic approach
Schedule a consultation to ensure you and your partner feel comfortable and compatible
Ask questions (success rates, what to expect, etc.)

Considering Couples Therapy in Calgary?

Restore your connection with The Love of Attraction.

Choosing a counsellor in Calgary isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a proactive step toward strengthening your relationship and sparking the passion that drew you together in the first place.

Rebuilding your relationship is possible. Contact your Calgary couples therapist to book your appointment or for more information.

What Are the Different Types of Relationships?

Wed, 19 Oct 2022 15:30:18 GMT

Many types of relationships make up our unique social circles. These relationships significantly affect our well-being , whether loving and intimate or frustrating and distant.

How many of the following relationship types sound familiar to you?

Open Relationships

When a couple says they’re in an open relationship, it means that one or both partners have other relationships simultaneously that can involve physical intimacy, sex, and romance.

Although both people consent to this polyamory, they usually set some limitations and conditions to abide by. You can find the open relationship concept in marriages, dating, and casual relationships.

Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships aren’t the same for everybody and can involve different levels of intimacy, love, commitment, and infatuation . Typically in romantic relationships both parties have a strong romantic attraction towards each other, and agree to having only one sexual partner.

The passion and romance are at their strongest at the beginning of the relationship but lessen over time. That excess passion evolves into deeper emotional feelings of love, commitment, and respect, often leading to a long-term relationship.

Codependent Relationships

Codependent relationships are considered dysfunctional. One or both partners rely on the other for their physical, mental, or emotional needs. The term caretaker is often used in a codependent situation to describe the partner who tends to the other.

Someone who parented their parent as a child often finds themselves in codependent relationships as adults as they cater to their partner's needs.

Casual Relationships

A casual relationship is a term used to describe two acquaintances that have sex with each other without any commitments or expectations of monogamy. These relationships are often known as “friends with benefits relationship” or “booty calls”. This type of relationship can have varying degrees of physical and emotional intimacy, friendship, and frequency that both parties mutually agree upon.

Toxic Relationships

Any relationship that intimidates or damages your well-being is considered toxic. Whether it affects you physically, emotionally, or psychologically a toxic relationship leaves you feeling:

Unloved
Ashamed
Unheard
Misunderstood
Disrespected
Humiliated
Embarrassed

Characteristics of a toxic relationship include:

Control
Jealousy
Deceit
Abuse
Anger
Addictions
Competition
Narcissism

Platonic Relationships

Platonic relationships refer to any close friendships and have characteristics like:

Honesty
Respect
Support
Love
Acceptance
Protection
Reliance

Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places?

Although most of us aspire to have a healthy romantic, committed relationship and a happily-ever-after, we sometimes find ourselves in one of the other five relationship types and wonder how we ever got there.

If you want to free yourself from repeatedly choosing the same relationship styles, The Love of Attraction can help you break the cycle.

Get in touch today.

We Experience a Lack of Love Because of our Own Concept of Love

Mon, 26 Sep 2022 17:26:20 GMT

Written by Preethaji – Author of Four Sacred Secrets

We define love based on our personal experiences. Every opinion we have about the expression of love – from the gestures of love to descriptive words about it – is based upon what we have seen or felt in the name of love.

We have a tendency to generalize about love and to repeatedly expect the same behaviour and expression of love from others. Even in the most loving relationships, it is unlikely that we’ll l see these same expressions with the same enthusiasm and energy all the time.

Even if there is love, our concept of love might not allow us to see it because of our expectations of how it should be. When our expectations are not met, we experience an absence of love. We believe that there is no way to feel better unless the other meets our expectations and demonstrates this expression of love that we have defined for ourselves. Contemplating our definition of love will help us discover a new joy in the relationship.

Meditation/Contemplation

Sit in a comfortable posture and close your eyes. Inhale deeply through your nose, and exhale slowly through your mouth in total awareness. Repeat seven times.
Inquire into any one relationship where you experience a constant need for more love. Observe the consequences of this dissatisfaction.
Ask yourself, when do I feel loved? What should the other do and how should the other be in order for me to feel loved?
Is it really possible for the other to be this way and do this all the time? Is it true that they don’t love you when they fail to meet those expectations?
Find out what makes the other person feel loved. Do both your definitions match? What steps are you willing to take to bring greater love to this relationship?
Place your palms on your heart chakra or heart centre. Feel how much this person means to you and how precious the other’s love is. Immerse yourself in this feeling.
Take a deep breath and slowly open your eyes.

Addictive Relationships: What They Are & How to Walk Away

Mon, 26 Sep 2022 04:11:29 GMT

Many of us know the “high” when starting a new relationship — the thrill and excitement, feeling heard and understood, like you found your soulmate.

While these feelings of elation are nice, they can also trigger negative feelings like abandonment fears or wanting to feel rescued or needed.

Unfortunately, these highs and lows can push you toward addictive relationships — being obsessed with the positive and negative emotions of the relationship to the point where it affects your own healthy needs and boundaries.

Signs Of Being in an Addictive Relationship

When the honeymoon stage ends or a breakup occurs, you may find yourself actively trying to recapture those elated feelings by:

Obsessively thinking about the relationship
Trying to maintain contact
Ignoring problematic behaviour just to feel the highs
Putting their needs before yours

How to Walk Away

These unhealthy patterns can be hard to walk away from, but here’s how you can regain your sense of self :

Recognize addictive patterns and problematic behaviour
Learn boundaries
Practice self-compassion
Speak with a licensed therapist

Looking for More Ways to Regain Your Sense of Self?

When you see yourself positively, it’s easier to live your life with purpose — and for yourself. The Love of Attraction can help get you there.

Why your partner looks like the enemy when you are triggered.

Tue, 30 Aug 2022 13:28:40 GMT

Our brains are more wired for war, instead of love. We have a survival mechanism that protects us when we feel threatened or endangered.

Cues from the outside world, like an angry tone, a dismissive hand gesture, a few contempt words, or the roll of an eyeball can be a sign of danger to the alarm centre part of the brain called the amygdala. The amygdala then sends a message to the rest of the brain – “man the battle stations”. Primal emotions of anger, fear, hurt are registered and generate the protest against the perceived loss of connection into evolutionary reactions of “fight, flight, or freeze.

This survival brain (this dumb part of the brain), is fast acting and automatic. It doesn’t use rational thought, empathy, awareness, understanding or consciousness (found in the higher cortical structures of the brain). It responds as if a war is taking place and your partner is the enemy, “shooting first and asking questions later”. When activated or triggered, it is only interested in maintaining its survival and will go to great lengths to self- protect. It will react as if your partner is the enemy. The cues are subtle that can set off this war-like brain, a sharp tone, a raise of an eyebrow, a finger pointing gesture, or a few hostile words. Is it any wonder, how we have survived without killing one another or avoiding one another altogether?

Slower to respond, is the neocortex, especially the prefrontal cortex. It is designed for love and is much smarter. When this part is online and not hijacked by the primitive brain – you can think coherently and rationally, detach from the trigger/cue with awareness and see the whole picture. It is the seat of empathy, cooperation, striving for how can we make this better? Because this portion can be hijacked by the lower cortical system and become offline, it is smart to wait to respond to the cue until this part is fully engaged. Once engaged it has the ability for “witnessing” and can make a repair and see that those primitives were overactive. It has the ability to take in the full situation and see that this cue was triggering something from the past. It has the ability to take into account the impact of the behaviour. Essentially, it moves from I consciousness – all about Me to We consciousness. We are the only species to have this newer part of the brain. We are the only species that is able to self-reflect, contemplate and see that there may be more going on than meets the eye, thus taking into account the whole situation.

So how can we have this part of the brain regulate the primitives and be more engaged?

Meditation and mindfulness are practices that can be utilized. They strengthen this part of the brain; they strengthen the pathways for this higher evolved part of the brain. For example, watching your breath, slowing your breath down, taking in long inhales and exhales, slows the activated amygdala and its associated parts of the brain. Our breath is always with us. Just focusing our attention can turn the heated moment into awareness of what is happening.

Have you ever noticed that when you are in fight, flight, freeze or any high intensity emotion – your breathing becomes shallow and your body is constricted? Shutting down digestive areas, your body is ready to move – from the danger cue. Your eyes become hyper focused on the danger cue and your awareness is limited to surroundings.

Another good remedy to move out of the primitive state is to become aware of your surroundings. Look and name what you see, hear and name what you hear, feel and name what you feel. (ie the chair touching your legs). This allows us to come into present moment awareness.

Time outs are also very important offering a powerful interrupt to the destruction that the primitives can get up to! Time outs give your brain the time needed to metabolize the cortisol in your brain and restore its capacity to move into the higher evolved neocortex.

Take a walk, listen to music, have a bath, journal, watch a show, just take a break from the situation. It is a very responsible thing to do to settle your brain and reduce the impactful behaviours of the warring brain could do to the situation. Giving yourself a time- out allows for the return to centre.

An important caveat with Time Outs!

What is very important in a relationship is to return to your partner when you move to a time out after becoming settled in the neocortex. Calling a time out means you care about your partner and the relationship, hence, you are going to return when things have calmed down in your system. Activations can stay high in your partner’s primitive brain, feeling the abandonment and emotional disconnection without a return. Don’t leave it longer than 24 hours – the relational rule. Partners can handle this much time for a reconnection or return, not more.

What do you do when your primitive war-like brain is activated! And what functioning move could you begin to make to move back to centre?

Join me at one of our upcoming weekend retreats to learn about functional moves you can do to empower yourself and your partner.

How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

Mon, 18 Jul 2022 23:25:29 GMT

Understanding emotional safety is key to fostering healthy, more meaningful relationships — it’s what trust and vulnerability depend on.

Emotional safety is feeling comfortable enough to be your most authentic self in front of someone else and having the confidence to truly express yourself to them. And it goes both ways.

10 Ways to Establish Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

When you feel emotionally safe enough to show your authentic self without limitations, it encourages your partner to do the same. Feeling secure in your relationship gives you a safe environment where you can share a deep, loving connection. Here’s how to establish emotional safety in your relationship:

Respect each other's boundaries and consent
Pay close attention to your nonverbal communication and body language
Accept disagreement
Allow one another the benefit of the doubt
Practice transparency
Consider one another in decision-making
Stay true to yourself
Actively listen
Promote accountability and follow-through
Consider couples therapy or relationship counselling

Are You Unsure About the Emotional Safety in Your Relationship?

Imagine transforming your relationship into a peaceful, loving place where you know without a doubt that you’re emotionally safe with your partner. Your relationship expert Kathleen Maiman of The Love of Attraction can help you get there.

Get in touch today.

Why Do People Sign Up for Couples Retreats?

Fri, 24 Jun 2022 14:54:28 GMT

If you’re ready to fall in love again, and take your intimate relationship to a whole new level, consider going on a couples retreat.

This unique getaway package is overseen by relationship experts and designed according to each couple’s situation and needs.

Keep reading to learn more about going on a couples retreat in Alberta with the Love of Attraction.

What to Expect in a Couples Therapy Retreat

Whether you’re on the verge of separation or divorce or in the romantic stage of your relationship, change your love life for the better by going away together in a romantic getaway.

A retreat away from stresses of daily life helps you and your partner learn more about yourselves and each other while forming a deeper emotional connection with one another.

Prior to leaving for your romantic retreat, your Calgary relationship therapist sends some paperwork for you and your partner to complete. Then, all you need to do to prepare is show up with an open mind and heart, your commitment to one another, and expectations for the best outcome possible.

On your couples retreat, expect personalized attention from a licensed counsellor who guides you to relationship fulfillment through discussions, rituals for connection, exercises, and lectures.

See what other couples have said about our couples retreats experience

An acquaintance of mine recommended my wife and I attend this retreat. We have been married 21 yrs and were kind of drifting apart, and thought it might give us a boost. The experience was not at all what we expected. We now look at each other like when we first started dating. WHAT AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE. I personally feel better than I have felt in a decade.

Kathleen is an amazing woman and I would recommend this retreat to ANY COUPLE. Good relationship, struggling relationship, bad relationship. Does not matter. Well worth it for your marriage and your personal health.
Roy H.

Your relationship is worth it. Partners looking to spend quality time with each-other j oin the best couples retreat in Alberta with the Love of Attraction.

What is the Meaning of Sense of Self and How to Develop Yours

Fri, 13 May 2022 13:42:51 GMT

Your self-identity can positively or negatively affect how you live your life—it all depends on how you see yourself.

Read on to learn the meaning of sense of self and how you can develop yours.

What is a Sense of Self?

A sense of self refers to how you see the combined characteristics that make you, you! Personality traits, abilities, beliefs, morals, likes, and dislikes all contribute to your self-image and make up your unique identity.

Tips For Developing Your Sense of Self

When you have a strong sense of self, you know who you truly are and what you stand for.

Here’s how you can build a stronger sense of self:

List your identities and how each one affects you
List your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world around you
Research your family history
Practice setting healthy boundaries

Looking for More Ways to Improve Your Sense of Self?

When you see yourself positively, you have higher satisfaction with relationships and live your life with purpose—two essential traits for having good overall emotional health.

The Love of Attraction can help get you there.

The Birth of Love

Thu, 12 May 2022 20:45:06 GMT

When we fall in love, suddenly we see life in technicolor. We nibble each others’ ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We’re sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. Now we feel whole, we feel like ourselves, we are connected.

When we fall in love, suddenly we see life in technicolor. We nibble each others’ ears and tell each other everything ; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We’re sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. Now we feel whole, we feel like ourselves, we are connected.

But inevitably–whether we marry or move in together– things just start to go wrong. The veil of illusion falls away, and it seems that our partners are different than we thought they were. It turns out they have qualities that we can’t bear. Even qualities we once admired grate on us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as they promised. Our dream shatters and we feel disconnected .

Disillusionment turns to anger. Since our partner no longer willingly give us what we need, we change tactics, trying to coerce our partners into caring–through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism–whatever works. The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until we split, or we settle into an uneasy truce, or until we seek help, desperate to feel alive and whole again, to have our dream back and feel reconnected.

The Imago Emerges

What is going on here? After reflecting deeply on this question, we have come to this conclusion: you have found an Imago (IH-MAH-GO) partner, someone, we regret to say, who is uniquely unqualified (at the moment), to give you the love you want. Well, this is what’s supposed to happen.

Let us explain. We all think that we have free choice when it comes to selecting our partners. But our primitive “old” brain has a compelling, non-negotiable drive to restore the feeling of joyful aliveness and connectedness with which we came into the world. To accomplish that, it must repair the damage done in childhood as a result of needs not met, in a relationship with a person who resembles our caregivers.

You’d think, then, that we would choose someone who had what our caregivers lacked–and of course this is what we unconsciously seek. If only that was so! But the old brain has a mind of its own, carrying its own image of the perfect partner, a complex synthesis of qualities formed in reaction to the way our caregivers responded to our needs. Every pleasure or pain, every transaction of childhood, has left its mark on us, and these collective impressions form an unconscious picture we’re always trying to match up as we scan our environment for a suitable mate.

This image of “the person who will join with me and make me joyful and connecting again” we call the Imago . Though we consciously seek only the positive traits, the negative traits of our caregivers are more indelibly imprinted in our Imago picture, because those are the traits which caused the wounds we now seek to heal. Paradoxically, our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place.

So when we fall in love, our old brain is telling us that we’ve found someone with whom we can complete our unfinished childhood business, meet certain biological imperative, and recover our connectivity and experience of being joyfully alive. Our imperfect caregivers are “freeze dried” in the memories of childhood, are “reconstituted” in our partner. Unfortunately, since we don’t understand what’s going on, we’re shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces.

Waking Up to Reality

All of this seems to be a recipe for disaster, and for a long time this depressing state of affairs puzzled us. How can we resolve our childhood issues if our partners wound us in the same ways as our caregivers, and we ourselves are stuck in childhood patterns that wound our partners?

Consciousness is the key ; it changes everything. When we are unaware of the unconscious agenda of romantic lov e, it is a dis as ter, for our childhood scenarios inevitably repeat themselves with the same devastating consequences. There is a method to this madness, though. The unconscious recreation of the ambience of childhood has the express purpose of bringing this old impasse to a resolution. When we understand that we have chosen our partners to heal certain wounds, and that the healing of those wounds is the key to the end of longing, we have taken the first step on the journey to real love.

Conflict is Natural

What we need to understand and accept is that conflict is supposed to happen . This is as nature intended it: everything in nature has a polarity and is in tension. The hard truth is that the grounds for marriage is really incompatibility; it is the norm for relationships. Conflict needs to be understood as a given, a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole, and paradoxically, to restore feeling connected. It’s only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive.

Romantic love is supposed to end . It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together to do what needs to be done to heal each other, and in the process, heal the rifts in nature caused by our wounds. The good news is that the power struggle is also supposed to end. The emotional bond that is created by romantic love to keep partners together through the hard times evolves into a powerful organic bond through the process of resolving conflict.

Making the Choice for a Conscious Marriage

A Conscious Marriage is not for the faint-hearted, for it requires learning more effective coping mechanisms than the crying or anger or withdrawal which have become so habitual for us. It means reconnecting through dialogue, stretching to give our partners what they need to heal. This is not easy, but it works.

Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; real love is born in relationships. You are already with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise–and, like you, in pain. A Conscious Marriage itself is the therapy you need to restore your sense of aliveness and connectivity, and set you on the path of real love.

Does Virtual Couples Therapy Work?

Fri, 22 Apr 2022 17:32:55 GMT

With everything shifting online these days, whether for accommodating schedules, not wanting to leave the house, or just plain convenience, online couples therapy is no stranger to the digital realm.

But is it just as effective as face-to-face couples counselling? Read on to find out.

What is Online Marriage Counselling?

Online marriage counselling, or virtual couples therapy, is when you and your partner meet with a licensed couples therapist to acknowledge and work towards resolving challenges in your relationship via live video sessions, phone conversations, or online video chat.

What Are Some Benefits of Online Marriage Counselling?

Whether in person therapy or online, the end goals of marriage counselling are:

Improving communication skills to better deal with conflicts in your relationship
Establishing the necessary social skills for powerful conflict management
Learning how to forgive , let go, and love unconditionally.

Marital counselling is a great way to focus on the skill-building techniques needed for reaching these goals. Additional benefits of virtual therapy include:

Convenience
Enhanced privacy
Easy accessibility
Feeling more comfortable
Ideal for long-distance relationships

Find out more about online couples counselling sessions

Is Online Marriage Counselling Effective?

Because online marriage counselling can be done anywhere you feel comfortable, it’s more than just effective—it’s actually the more popular choice for the modern couple seeking marriage therapy.

Being with your partner in a place where you both feel at ease provides:

An extra layer of security and safety
Reduced vulnerability
Less stress
An increased ability to be more open with your feelings, leading to better listening and understanding of one another
Greater sense of control over the situation
Higher comfort with having the distinct physical separation between you and the therapist
A better connection with your therapist

How Do We Know if Online Marital Counselling is For Us?

Marriage counselling is best when used as a proactive approach to keeping your relationship healthy, but any couples looking to improve relationship dynamics can benefit from it—even the most conflicted ones .

Online marital counselling is right for anyone with a secure internet connection, a tablet, laptop, desktop, or smartphone, and a private place where they feel comfortable opening up about their feelings.

Looking To Improve Your Marital Relationship?

Whether you’re looking to maintain a healthy relationship or want to address unresolved conflict, avoiding the breakdown of a relationship has never been easier with the Love of Attraction .

Schedule time with a marriage therapist for you and your partner today to look toward a brighter tomorrow.

How to Use Imago Therapy to Overcome Relationship Issues

Mon, 04 Apr 2022 02:19:12 GMT

In the words of the creators of Imago relationship therapy (IRT)— Harville Hendrix Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D., IRT is all about getting the love you want and keeping the love you find.

It’s about building strong connections with others so you can finally find satisfaction, belonging, and happiness with your current or future partner.

But to achieve this glorious wonder, you must first have a good understanding of yourself. Otherwise, you may spend a lifetime chasing after something that’s always just out of reach.

Keep reading to learn more about imago relationship therapy, what it can help with, who can use it, the benefits of using IRT, and where you can find a certified imago relationship therapist near you.

What is Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)?

Imago means “image” in Latin. As it pertains to IRT, the term imago is based on the unconscious image of familiar love, such as motherly or fatherly love. Therefore, imago relationship therapy focuses on potential unresolved patterns from childhood that may affect your adult relationships.

When it comes to forming relationships, your unconscious mind may guide you toward people with certain behaviors or personality traits that are reminiscent of the ways your parents or early caregivers treated you.

Don’t worry, this is a completely natural process—the way you bonded with others in childhood is strongly engraved in your consciousness. It’s what is familiar to you and it’s where your sense of self stems from. Where you once looked to your parents to fulfill your emotional needs, as an adult, you now turn to someone else to fill that role. The attraction to someone with similar traits and behaviors to your childhood caregivers offers you a sense of familiarity and belonging.

This is great if you came from an early environment full of love, respect, comfort, and safety. But what happens if you endured painful childhood experiences, such as neglect, domestic violence, feeling unheard, abandoned, unimportant, and constantly criticized? Unfortunately, your subconscious mind puts you on the lookout for partners who make you feel that exact way.

As these patterns reappear throughout your life, you may struggle to develop secure connections with others—especially with significant others—and this can lead to many unwanted, yet repeated, relationship issues. Imago relationship therapy works to turn those core issues and relationship conflicts into much-needed opportunities for healing and growth.

What Can Imago Therapy Help With?

Imago therapy for individuals can help you learn how to achieve positive interactions and relationship satisfaction. IRT strengthens relationships by helping people develop better intimacy through:

Being more aware and present
Showing empathy in conversations
Being aware of your separate identities
Reacting with curiosity rather than judgment
Showing positivity and appreciation instead of blame and contempt

The endgame of imago therapy is to help build understanding and promote healing in relationships. There are many issues imago therapy addresses:

Feeling disconnected
Recurring conflicts/disagreements
Lack of trust
Infidelity
Communication issues
Lack of physical or emotional intimacy
Frequent misunderstandings
Boredom or frustration

Who Can IRT Help?

Imago therapy isn’t just for people dealing with painful experiences of the past or conflict in their relationships. It can help anyone learn more about themselves and their partner, regardless of their childhood experiences. This, in turn, helps you form a deeper connection with others. Even couples who barely argue can deepen their understanding of one another and their relationship goals.

Imago therapy can help anyone who:

Is strengthening their commitment to one another by marriage, common-law, having children, or buying a home
Is beginning a new relationship and wants to ensure the connection is strong from the start
Wants more fun and passion in their relationship
Wants to preserve their current relationship
Is experiencing conflict and wants to improve their communication skills
Wants to prevent their relationship from ending in separation or divorce
Is single and wants to create a fulfilling and healthy relationship in the future
Is single and looking to understand why past relationships failed so they can grow from them

What Are Some Benefits of Imago Therapy?

There are several key benefits of imago relationship therapy for both individuals and couples.

Benefit #1: Having a Better Understanding of Your Early Attachments

Imago relationship therapy focuses on how your childhood experiences with parents or caregivers may directly relate to how you choose relationship partners as adults.

When looking for a partner, people are naturally drawn to others who feel familiar or easy to connect with. The imago therapy dialogue centers on the idea that the familiarity stems from the early attachments you had as a child—when someone feels “familiar” or “comfortable”, you’re more likely to let your guard down, making it easier to form a deeper connection in that relationship.

But as you become more serious with your partner, you may feel yourself suddenly withdrawing, distrusting, or becoming emotionally unavailable toward your partner as old feelings subconsciously resurface, leaving you to wonder what the heck is happening. Having a better understanding of your early attachments can help heal buried wounds and strengthen your relationship with yourself and your partner.

Benefit #2: Turn Conflict Into Growth

Imago therapy focuses on turning negativity and conflict into opportunities for growth and healing. IRT won’t teach you how to avoid conflict in your relationship, or how to have a better fight. Instead, it encourages people to take advantage of moments of distress and use them for exploration, curiosity and learning for a better understanding of themselves, their early attachments, relationships, and their partners.

Benefit #3: A Collaborative Approach to Treatment

Because imago relationship therapy is collaborative, there isn’t a specific role for your therapist to step into in terms of offering advice. Instead, your therapist works with you as a couple using imago dialogue to determine areas that need improvement , so your relationships can heal as a whole.

Professional imago therapists know the right questions to ask to prompt collaborative thinking, so you and your partner can discover things about one another, and of yourselves, naturally.

How Can I Find a Local Imago Therapist?

Only licensed and credentialed therapists who have gone through extensive training (over 96 hours worth) supervised by the Imago International Institute have the qualifications to be called certified imago relationship therapists.

You can find more information about certified therapists, training, workshops, and additional resources on the Imago Relationships North America (IRNA) website.

Ready to Explore & Reconnect With Yourself And Your Partner?

Feeling disconnected from yourself, your relationships, and the world around you can leave you with a sense of despair and loneliness. A certified imago relationship therapist can help you sort through your connections with others to help you build stronger, more committed relationships.

If you’re ready to curb unhelpful reactions, learn why you react to certain conflicts the way you do, and replace pain and blame with trust and intimacy, it’s time for imago therapy.

Learn more about Love of Attraction’s online relationship therapy and our in-person couples counseling sessions in Calgary, Alberta today.

What To Do If You Think Your Partner Isn’t Giving You What You Need?

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Mon, 14 Mar 2022 16:01:52 GMT

Is your partner neglecting you or your relationship?

Have they:

Stopped doing romantic things like planning dates or telling you, “I love you”?
Avoided asking you how you’re doing or feeling lately?
Been too preoccupied with work, hobbies, or social media to pay attention to you?
Made you feel unwanted, unsupported, and unloved?

Maybe you feel anxious and disconnected. It’s painful to think that you and your beloved may be growing apart, or falling out of love with each other.

You used to be so close and so happy together. But now you feel alone and sad.

Let’s get down to the real issue. It probably has nothing to do with what your partner is or isn’t giving you.

The Problem Isn’t That your Partner is Neglecting You and Your needs, the Problem is that you’re Neglecting Yourself.

Humans are social beings and we need each other. We need each other for companionship, sharing love, learning together, lovemaking, giving each other a helping hand and for physical tenderness and emotional support.

You want a hug when you’ve had a bad day and you want to be able to talk about the issues that speak to your heart with your beloved.

It’s normal to want and need your partner in these ways.

But there’s a difference between needing a loving human connection and being needy. While your partner or others would likely be happy to connect with you and help you if you were not needy, they may be repelled by neediness.

You become needy when:

You don’t take responsibility for your own feelings of self-worth and well-being.
You don’t take care of your physical health or you have addictions.
You choose NOT to learn and grow, and become empty inside.
You see yourself as a victim, blame others or God for your current circumstances.
You judge yourself harshly.

When you are operating from neediness, you are avoiding painful feelings by blaming, numbing out with addictions, food, or TV or by depending on someone else for your sense of worth. When your partner criticizes or ignores you, you fall apart emotionally, because you don’t have a solid foundation of self-regard or self-love.

This type of neediness, where you are disconnected from yourself because you are not caring for or loving yourself is what I call self-abandonment.

You think you’re unhappy because your partner isn’t giving you what you need to feel good.

You’re right that you are not getting what you need, but you are not accurate about you needing your partner to make you feel good.

You are not getting what you need, because what you really need is to care for and value yourself, above all else.

Since you aren’t giving yourself the care, love and self-regard you need your partner can’t make your happy. As long as you are abandoning yourself, your partner’s love has nowhere to land. The key to your personal, sustainable

happiness lies within yourself.

Is the Key to Feeling Worthy and Loveable Having the “Right” Relationship?

Most people move into relationships to be loved, rather than to be loving. That’s why, when your partner doesn’t give you the love and attention you expect, you feel bad – lonely, sad, resentful or even angry.

Since most of us did not feel loved in the way we needed as children, or our parents did not role model loving themselves, we believe that only getting love will make feel good about ourselves.

That’s why we look for someone who we think will see us and value us, rather than learning how to see and value ourselves.

We believe that the only way we feel worthy and lovable is when someone we value loves us.

We think, if I just find the right person who will love me the way I want to be loved, everything will finally be okay.

We think that falling in love – and staying in love – is the key to feeling good.

When our partner demonstrates their love for us, we feel relaxed, appreciated and valued.

And when they neglect us or do or say something that feels rejecting, a kind of panic sets in. We start to worry that there’s something wrong with us, complain to ourselves about what they’re not giving us, and lament how disconnected we

feel. It’s a painful, sinking feeling.

But trying to get our partner to change, or even pondering what it might be like to start a new relationship with someone who may possibly love us better, isn’t going to solve the problem.

Here’s why….

We Pick Partners Who Share the Same Level of Self-Abandonment

In the beginning, you gave each other what you believe the other wanted in order to get the love you were both seeking.

Eventually, however, you had to resort to controlling tactics such as compliments, judgements, withdrawal, anger, people-pleasing behavior in order to get love from your partner.

When those tactics stop working, and your partner isn’t making you happy anymore, you may decide you’ve chosen the wrong partner. You may wonder if you should move on.

But then your next relationship may also start to fall apart in much the same way. Maybe you’ve noticed this about your past relationships.

Why do people tend to experience the same kind of relationship disappointment, no matter who they fall in love with?

Because we tend to pick partners who match our level of self-abandonment.

That means that the partners we choose are also looking to get love in order to feel good about themselves. If we don’t value ourselves, we attract lovers who likewise don’t value themselves, either.

The only way out of this sad cycle is to stop self-abandoning and take responsibility for loving yourself – for defining your own worth, taking loving care of yourself and filling yourself with love – then you’ll be filled with an abundance of love that you can share with your partner.

That’s how you can feel deeply content and at peace, no matter what your partner is doing or not doing, because you will have a wellspring of love and regard within yourself, for yourself, always.

How to Give Yourself the Love, Attention and Validation You’ve Been Trying to Get from Your Partner….and Heal Yourself and Your Relationship.

If you think about it, it makes so much sense that, as adults, someone else can never be the consistent source of love and validation that we all need.

No one is with you 24/7, and even if they are a caring and sensitive person, they do not live inside your body and cannot know what you feel and need, moment by moment. As much as you would like for this fantasy to be true, there is no way

it can be true.

That’s why you have to learn how to give yourself the love, attention, and validation you’ve spent your entire life looking to GET from others.

When you stop self-abandoning by taking loving care of yourself, you can create the relationship you’ve always wanted.

Even if you’re the only one who decides to learn to love yourself, your relationship might change enough to turn things around.

If it doesn’t and the relationship comes to an end, than at last you won’t be taking the same protective patterns into your next relationship. You have nothing to lose if you learn to love yourself.

Here are a few ways to love and care for yourself.

1. Plan interrupted time for you

2. Book a therapy session

3. Spend time in nature

4. Adopt a pet

5. Fill your home with things that make you smile

6. Go screen free

7. Give yourself permission to say no

8. Read a book

9. Carve out time for exercise

10. Reminder yourself or your worth (Avoid negative self-talk)

11. Meditate

12. Organize your space

13. Ask for what you need

14. Set boundaries

15. Journal

16. Take a bath

17. Take a social media break

18. Plan a date

19. Dance it out

20. Schedule time for your hobby

21. Schedule time with friends

22. Do conscious breathing

23. Try a new recipe

24. Honour and devote time to your spiritual needs

25. Cry it out

26. Call a friend

27. Invest in your sleep

28. Set goals

29. Talk to your inner child and soothe your “little”

30. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes and perceived wrongdoings

31. Let go of the past

32. Care about your nutrition and healthy eating

33. Play more

34. Keep to the promises that you have made to yourself.

35. Become who you aspire to be

36. Make a list of your strengths

37. Exercise – do yoga, go for walks

38. Make time for rest and relaxation

39. Spend time alone

40. Invest in your most fulfilling relationships.

Why Relationship Therapy is Growing Among Young Couples

Thu, 10 Feb 2022 16:13:29 GMT

If you and your partner get caught up in the same argument time and time again, it may be time to consider couple’s counselling. Something that used to be considered a last-ditch attempt at saving the relationship, couples counselling has grown in popularity—especially among millennials and Gen Zers—to enhance relationships and improve communication.

A study by the American Psychiatric Association shows 37% of Gen Zers are seeking personal counselling, closely followed by 35% of millennials. As younger generations become more open to how they view various mental health issues, relationship counselling is being used as more of a maintenance step in relationships, rather than only being attended to in a crisis.

Read on to learn when you should seek relationship counselling. We’ll also go over how to make relationship therapy effective, why Imago relationship therapy may be the answer you’ve been looking for, and how to find a relationship therapist that’s right for you.

When to Seek Relationship Counselling

Relationship counselling is a form of therapy that can help couples improve communication, resolve issues that interfere with being part of a healthy relationship, and reignite the spark that first drew you to your partner. But how do you know when to seek couples therapy? There are a few telltale signs:

Communication is mostly negative, or communication style lead to arguments and confusion
Lacking intimacy
Lies, being deceitful or keeping secrets
You see your partner as being antagonistic
Infidelity
You’re living the same argument time and time again
You feel like your relationship is capable of “more” or something’s missing
Indifference

Most of these signs are self-explanatory, but indifference may need a little more exploration. Feeling indifferent toward your partner can come across in several ways:

Having a general disinterest in your partner’s life
Not caring when you don’t know where your partner is
A struggling intimate life doesn’t bother you
Making no effort to spend time together
Not caring if your partner was or could be unfaithful
Having no remorse, empathy, or respect for your partner’s feelings

While many of these signs may sound like the end of the relationship is near, this isn’t true if both parties feel like the relationship is worth saving. Speaking with a trusted relationship counsellor can help you overcome the negating factors affecting your relationship.

How to Make Relationship Therapy Effective

The goal of relationship therapy is to increase your knowledge about yourself, your partner, and the interaction that goes on between you. Couples therapy becomes most effective when you incorporate new thoughts and ideas into the interactions between you and your partner that break old ineffective patterns and routines.

When seeking therapy for relationship issues, both you and your partner need to be open to discussing a few important concepts for therapy to be effective:

The ideal life you want to have together
The type of partner you aspire to be to have the ideal life/relationship you want
What’s stopping you from being the type of partner you aspire to be
The knowledge and skills to do everything above

And there are some things you’re going to need for sustained improvement in your relationship:

A concrete vision of the life you wish to build together
The right skills and attitudes for working as a team
Motivation
Persistence
Patience
Time for reviewing your progress

Before each session, both you and your partner should individually take time to reflect on what your end objectives are and what it’s going to take to get you there. That might reflect on the kind of relationship you’re looking for, or the type of person you’re aiming to become so you can achieve your ideal relationship.

Imago Relationship Therapy

Imago relationship therapy targets the connection between conflicts in adult relationships and early childhood experiences. Childhood feelings of neglect, abandonment, and/or suppression will often subconsciously show up in adult relationships. When these issues repeat themselves with a loving partner, past negative feelings often overshadow all the good things in the relationship.

Imago relationship therapy can help couples understand and have empathy for their partner’s childhood wounds. This allows the “wounded” partner to heal and move their relationship to a more conscious level.

Through tools and techniques that improve conflict resolution, couples who use Imago therapy are empowered by how their relationships transform into a respectful, peaceful, loving place full of communication on topics that really matter. The wounded partner sees their partner as a healer and teacher, rather than the enemy. They turn their conflicts into connection and learn how to give and receive love the way they want it, reigniting the passion that first brought them together.

How to Find a Relationship Therapist

Choosing a good couples counsellor , either online or in-person, can be overwhelming. Here are a few tips to help you find someone you and your partner can truly connect with:

When doing your research, look for therapists specially trained in couples therapy
Get to know potential therapists before you commit. Ask questions about their education and training, their thoughts about divorce, what percentage of their work is done with couples, the percentage of couples who’ve seen results while working with them
Have patience. When you find a counsellor you both connect with, stick it out. Healing doesn’t happen overnight
Be honest. If you or your partner feel like something isn’t working during your sessions, be upfront and honest with your therapist so they can adjust how they approach your situation

Work With a Therapist Specially Trained in Couples Counselling

Do any of the telltale signs of needing relationship counselling sound familiar to you? If you feel like your relationship is strained, don’t be afraid to ask for help. The Love of Attraction will work with you and your partner to voice your concerns, listen to one another’s feedback, and build a healthy problem-solving strategy that can strengthen your relationship—even if you’re not millennials or Gen Zers.

A healthy relationship is a goal for any age, and it all starts with learning how to improve communication skills, resolve issues, and reignite that spark.

Learn more about our online relationship therapy and in-person couples counselling sessions in Calgary today.

Love Rituals

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 10 Feb 2022 16:10:18 GMT

For the purpose of building love and intimacy, a ritual is any interaction or experience that you do regularly whether that’s daily or weekly, annually or only when you are on vacation and with intention. The act must be meaningful to both parties. You may not appreciate it equally, however, you need to both value and do it in the service of the relationship.

The structure and routine that are inherent to rituals provide a regular opportunity for you to focus on your relationship, to be present and open with each other. This creates space for intimacy and connection and fills your “Love Tank” with positive energy and appreciation for each other. Then when you hit a snag, your relationship will be that much more resilient – you’ll find it easier to call upon your reserves of empathy, compassion and love.

Once you have created a ritual, keep it up even when you’re not in the mood or your relationship is not in the best place – consistency is a big part of the magic. However, things in your relationship may arise, differing home or work schedules, relationship dynamics where the ritual may no longer fit. Give yourself permission to let it go. A ritual may circle around again, or maybe you’ll create a new one that feels ever better.

Aahhh, that cup of coffee or tea!

Grand gestures may be fun and fabulous, but the road to deeper intimacy is often found in regular small deeds and that’s where rituals can serve you well. If you’re looking to incorporate more acts of kindness in your relationship, delivering your loved one a cup of coffee or tea is a wonderful starting point. It offers reward for both the brewer and the drinker: The former gets s meditative moment to think of their partner and luxuriate in the joy of doing something for someone they love. The latter gets a morning pick me up in the form of both a caffeine hit and a heartfelt cared for feeling.

Restating your love

I know of one couple, when they wake up in the morning, they turn to each other and say: “Today, I choose you!”! This is their way of recommitting to the relationship recognizing that love is a decision. What I adore about this ritual is how it counteracts the effect of those less romantic realities: jobs, household chores, bills, kids – that if not balanced out, can take a toll and get in the way of articulating how much you love and care about each other. Think of this as a vow renewal. This is a way of articulating how much you love and care about each other on an intimate level.

Exchanging Haikus

I first learned of this ritual from a colleague of mine and her husband. They would exchange this love ritual throughout their days tucking a poem into a work bag, a dresser or lunch or finding it while on vacation or through a text. It ignites feelings of love and tenderness. Love poems have been around for a very long time. Since the beginning, poetry has been uniquely suited to conveying sentiments and revealing emotions. You may not be a Shakespeare, however, you may want to try Haiku, a Japanese poetic form that consists of three lines, with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, and five in the third.

Keeper of my heart

Love me as long as I live

Show me the bright light

This isn’t about writing brilliant poetry to each other – it’s a way to introduce a playful communication into your relationship. You can write about a moment you shared, a quality of theirs you admire, something sexy you did or want to do together or anything else that expresses your affection.

Returning together

Transitions are notoriously challenging for couples. For instance, notice that you have might have a fight before you leave to go somewhere or in the car. Each of us has different needs during these times, and this can make it challenging.

An important transition is returning home from work. What if one of you is home during the day and is missing and craving interaction and wants to talk about your day. The other has a high stress job with back to back meetings all day and craves a few minutes to yourself after walking in the door, to decompress and detach from the pressures of the day. Neither desire is right or wrong, but this mismatch can definitely lead to tension and hurt feelings.

The suggestion is to sit together and discuss what will specifically work for each of you when reconnecting. To minimize the potential for any discrepancies in your respective needs and expectations to be misinterpreted as lack of care or love, it’s important to walk through the nitty gritty details of the interaction. Here are a couple of variations.

Maybe one of you needs a little space. You greet your partner at the door and then allow the one who just got home, 15 minutes to change and decompress and return refreshed and ready to engage.

If you are returning home , give your partner the heads up that you are on your way home via text or phone call. On the way home in the car, train or bus, start to think about him/her and let go of your day. The one who is at home, transition from what you are doing and go and greet your partner. Help him/her be received upon arrival, by sharing a meaningful hug and kiss that lasts more than 10 secs.

If both of you are home and need a debrief, set aside some time to talk about your day while making dinner together.

Other transition times, could be bedtime. If you go to bed later, tuck your partner in and say goodnight to him/her. The same can be said about mornings, if you are the one that is leaving first, make sure to make a point in attending to him/her with a hug and/or a kiss.

Transitions are difficult, however, can be managed by having honest and insightful conversations with each other about what each of you needs. Remember generosity, that you are on the same team and that the biggest “win” is creating a ritual that makes you both feel good.

Practicing Yoga together

Practicing yoga with your partner adds playfulness to your relationship and enhances trust and communication. In many poses, you have to literally support each other. It’s also an opportunity to slow down and connect to the other person’s breath.

Supported Partner Backbend and Forward Bend

Sit back to back with your legs long or slightly bent. (If you knees are bent, keep your heels on the floor and the balls of your feet lifted).
As one partner leans forward, the other will recline and backbend over them. Be sure your spines stay connected! Hold for a few breaths, then alternate. Feel your partner’s breath through the connection of your spines.

Appreciating each other

When I first learned Imago Relationship Therapy , appreciations and sharing gratitude was one of the flagships of the model. I also learned about the benefits of sharing appreciations and gratitude and how it can release many positive endorphins. Gratitude is the mother of all emotions and it just feels good, either giving or receiving.

Through my training, I learned to cultivate gratitude not only in my marriage, but also at family dinners. Each family member would share an appreciation to every member at the table. It is amazing to see the smiles on each other’s faces and have those positive feelings ignited. I don’t think our world gives enough appreciations. We are a culture that is appreciation deficit.

Within a relationship, practicing giving and receiving appreciations can easily be a daily ritual that is brief with profound impact.

Here are a few ways to add this ritual into your daily rhythm:

In the morning : Incorporate gratitude into your parting by acknowledging and saying thank you to your partner for something simple they do regularly, like putting away the breakfast dishes. This might mean appreciating the same thing day after day, which is fine. The goal isn’t to be novel, it’s to feel and show gratitude.

During the workday : Set a reminder on your calendar to send your partner an appreciation text on your lunch break: “I appreciate you walking the dog this morning, or I appreciate you being a good listener to me last night.”

Dinnertime: Take a note from my family ritual and share an appreciation to each member of the family. Tell them what they did and how you felt. “I appreciate the joke you sent me, it made me laugh” or “I’m grateful for our run together this morning because I felt so much better afterwards.”

Before sleep : Look at your partner and gaze at them and fill them up with an appreciation, ie “I am so glad you came into my life”. Good night. I love you”.

If you can spare the few minutes necessary to make this a regular thing, you’ll get a lot of bang for your buck: Grateful couples are more satisfied, feel closer to each other and better able to weather conflicts, even financial distress.

Psychologists found that it takes only a one grateful person in a couple to set good things in motion. When you feel grateful for your partner, it helps you recognize their value, which recommits you to the relationship, both in the moment and long term. That in turn makes you more likely to do the work necessary to maintain the relationship which translates to your partner feeling more valued and appreciated, which translates to them feeling more gratitude toward you, which translates to….well, you get the idea.

Meditating Together

Meditating is often either a solo practice or done in group. It is also a way for couples to connect on a spiritual level. By encouraging you to focus on the breath, or focusing on a mantra, meditation steadies the mind on the present. Instead of riding the wave of every thought and emotion, you learn to watch them come and go, which brings greater openness and spaciousness to your existence. And that allows for more honesty and vulnerability, which is the cornerstone for intimacy. It also empowers you to shift the stories our minds tell. These stories often get in the way of seeing and loving who each other really is.

As a long time meditator, I’ve learned that my initial reaction is usually only part of the full narrative, especially when I feel angry. Now instead of rushing into war with my husband (or anyone else for that matter), I pause and take some conscious breaths and watch and name the feelings. This engages the pre-frontal cortex and regulates the “fight or flight” system. I may still feel the disturbance, however I find that I am better able to consider the other person’s perspective and be less attached to my desire or need to be right.

Fortunately, meditating together only requires time to sit quietly. There are many apps today to assist you. My personal favourite is www.breathingroom.com . Any meditation that helps you each connect with yourselves will benefit your relationship. The most important fact is the intention you bring to the meditation experience: to set aside the distractions and find greater harmony with yourself, your partner and all living beings.

Love Rituals can change the landscape of your relationship from conflict, distress disappointment to cherishing, honouring, and adoring. These simple turnarounds can be fostered with your effort and commitment. May you implement these love rituals into your daily existence and watch your intimacy deepen and flourish.

Everything NEW will soon be OLD - Your automatic brain

Thu, 27 Jan 2022 17:36:02 GMT

Our brains are remarkable organs. They take in and use massive amounts of information from inside and outside our bodies and allow us to go through about 90% of our day automatically.

We can get from point A to point B while checking our emails, talking to others in the subway, drinking coffee or doing any number of tasks simultaneously. Our brains are on automation, running our lives, making decisions and doing what needs to be done with little thought required.

Our automatic brains are cheap to run and extremely fast and efficient. That’s a very good thing when you consider how much that ability would cost if we had to use the very expensive novelty-oriented parts of our brain. If we couldn’t rely on automation, we’d never be able to accomplish much of anything.

What is the automatic brain made up of?

It is made up of old memories, some of which are explicit, but most of which are implicit, or outside our awareness. This is called procedural memory. We know it because everything we have learned—riding a bicycle, driving a car, dancing a routine—has become something our body knows.

Imagine you and I are on our first date and we are interested in each other.

We are both excited by this new person in front of us. Our excitement is apparent and our attention is focused intensely on each other’s face, body, smell, touch, and maybe even taste.

You and I want to know everything about the other. We are fully present with wonderful neurochemicals coursing through our blood, brain and body, much like cocaine. That is nature’s love potion working on us. Delicious, isn’t it?

Well I have good and bad news.

First the bad news. The beautiful, fascinating, mysterious new thing that you are, will soon be automated by my brain. And your brain will soon automate me too. When that happens, we will become familiar and our novelty-seeking brains will no longer pay each other so much attention. Instead we will draw from our vast reservoir of memories and experiences to do our daily business.

What is potentially bad news about this is that we think we know each other, but we really don’t. So we will make mistakes. We’ll operate from memory, which does not require presence, attention, error correction, and the other fancy things our brain does when faced with newness. For example, my brain will automatically see you as if you were one of my previous partners or my mother or my father and base its reactions on those memories.

Oh! I almost forgot: the good news.

Due to the automatic brain, our relationship will seem easier, more comfortable and more familiar. Probably the best news is that automation does not have to become a problem. This is because the antidote to automation is presence and attention to detail.

By that I mean, that you become habituated to attending to the details of your partner’s face, voice, body, movements, words and phrases. When you are together, stay present in your body and don’t wander off into your own thoughts, your cell phone or other potential partners across the room. Keep your eyes on the ball—and that ball is your partner. Pay attention as if you’ve never seen or heard him or her before.

Paying close attention engages your brain’s novelty-loving parts. You’re telling it, “Hey, this person is unpredictable, surprising, beautifully complex, and the one on whom I am placing all my bets.” Much like a sign I once saw in Las Vegas: “You have to be here to win!”

If You Want to Improve Your Relationship, Start By Having a Positive Perspective

Mon, 24 Jan 2022 22:20:37 GMT

All couples go through difficulties in their relationship. Some issues will be minor, others may be catastrophic.

The truth is: no relationship is perfect, and there’s usually no way of getting around this. But we’ll let you in on a little secret—maintaining a healthy relationship throughout that dreaded conflict is possible. It’s all based on your perspectives.

Read on to learn the meaning of perspective in a relationship, the importance of keeping a positive perspective, and what you can do to maintain a positive relationship—even in difficult times.

What is Perspective in a Relationship?

Perspective in the relationship sense is the way you view your partner. Everything from their ideas to their beliefs and opinions. So if you’re wondering how to be happy in a relationship, the perspective you have of your partner is key to finding that happiness.

What is the Positive Perspective?

Your reactions to problems in your relationship are largely based on the perspectives you have. If you approach stressful situations with a negative attitude, you can imagine how the conflict will go. The opposite would be true if you approach a negative situation with a positive attitude.

The term Negative Sentiment Override (NSO), coined by Drs.John and Julie Gottman, is the distorted view of your significant other that causes you to see all their experiences as negative. Even the positive or neutral ones. Also known as the negative perspective, this type of thinking doesn’t give your partner any benefit of the doubt.

Those not happy in the relationship will often have Negative Perspectives that stem from feeling misunderstood, wronged, or accused, and this leads them to immediately become defensive during conflict.

On the other hand, positive perspective, or Positive Sentiment Override (PSO), is seeing your significant other in a positive light, regardless of the conflict taking place. It’s the ability to maintain a positive outlook about one another and the relationship. Positive thoughts are usually so prevalent that they override any negative emotions or ill will feelings toward your significant other.

Having a positive perspective requires some work, but there’s some good news—it’s something that you and your partner can work on together in your daily life. Small changes and positive attitude make healthier relationships.

Why is it Important to Have a Positive Perspective?

Having a positive perspective is integral to the longevity of your relationship. When you think of your partner in a more positive way, and choose to adopt a positive attitude you can work toward solving difficult situations more effectively and will have an easier time reducing escalating conflict . These are important features that not only contribute to a healthy and successful relationship, but also couples who choose positive thinking experience many health benefits in their personal life.

What Makes a Relationship Healthy?

Maintaining a healthy relationship involves honesty, respect, trust, effort, compromise, solid communication, and having positive perspectives between partners.

There are 3 ways to change (or maintain, depending on which side you’re on) the perspective you have of your significant other:

1. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond

Like you, your partner has ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. And they likely just want to be heard. So when they share this information with you, how much are you actually absorbing? If you really want to understand your partner’s perspective, it’s important to learn how to listen so you can communicate more effectively.

When you become a better listener , it’s easier to allow your partner’s beliefs, thoughts, and ideas to influence your own. When you have conflict in the relationship, you have a choice: you can either hold things against your partner, or you can take on a more positive perspective and accept what you can’t change. Accepting your partner means accepting their influence when trying to resolve conflict.

2. Make Them Feel Appreciated

Even through the conflicts, you’ll have certain things that you appreciate about your partner. It’s important to share these features with them so they know you’re paying attention—big things, little things, and everything in between.

Showing admiration for your significant other can influence a more positive perspective. What makes them special? What great things do they bring to your life?

3. Deepen Your Emotional Connection

Dr. Gottman suggests turning toward your partner to increase your emotional connection. When you turn toward and interact directly with your partner via eye contact, smiling, or by validating their response, you’re engaging with a Positive Perspective that shows your partner you value their being and what they have to say.

Turn towards your partner by engaging in deeper, more meaningful conversations. Do this by asking open-ended questions. But for this exercise to be successful, you need to be truly interested in their answers. Here are some examples:

What are you happy about right now?
Name 3 things I do that you couldn’t live without?
Is there something I could do tomorrow that will improve your day?
If you could have a magical power, what would it be and why?

Work with an licensed relationship therapist to find your positive perspective

Learning to value, respect, and validate your partner’s feelings will help build a deeper relationship . If your relationship is lacking in one or more of these avenues, and you feel like you’ve exhausted all hope, it may be time to consider relationship counselling.

Using the positive perspective technique, Love of Attraction offers online relationship counselling that can teach you how to be more positive and happy in a relationship.

Learn more about our individual and couples counselling sessions today

Why learning to forgive is important for couples to get along well

Tue, 21 Dec 2021 15:48:15 GMT

When we are hurt or feel betrayed, often the last thing we want to think about is forgiving the person who made us feel this way. Especially when it is someone who you love like a partner or spouse, the hurt can feel exponentially deeper.

The process of forgiveness isn’t easy, but understanding why it's important may save you from furthering the harm that’s already been inflicted and help you let go of the angry feelings, move you forward and heal.

What is Forgiveness in a Relationship?

Forgiveness can come in many forms, but the basic conception of the term is the active choice to let go of feelings of anger, hurt and resentment. How we justify this choice can manifest in numerous ways.

You might accept that holding onto the past is hurting you, recognize that people aren’t perfect, that is part of human nature to make mistakes, or decide that compassion is how you move forward. Whatever the rationale, it can completely change how you view the event for the better.

Why Bother?

Many people view forgiveness as letting the person who harmed us off the hook. However, the practice of forgiveness has more to do with you, than it does for them. Especially in a relationship, while forgiveness can make your partner feel better, being a forgiving person may benefit you and your relationship the most.

Here are some reasons saying why yes to forgiveness is a good idea:

Forgiveness Helps You Heal

It can be hard to accept that forgiveness will help us heal when we’ve been hurt, but without it, we may prolong the damage caused by holding on to negative feelings. With forgiveness, you have the chance to release the anger, frustration and pain that prevents you from finding peace. Making this choice allows you to take control of your life, your own happiness and the power this emotional wound has on you.

An important thing to note is that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning bad behaviour. It involves you allowing yourself to be vulnerable in order to grow from lessons learned and prioritize self-love.

Forgiveness Can Improve Other Relationships

“Hurt people, hurt people.” Anger and resentment are like wildfire if you continue to feed them. Holding on to anger toward someone who hurt you doesn’t only impact the relationship with that person and increases your stress level - it can overflow into your other relationships.

You may be angry at a coworker but take it out on your partner when you come home, or you may be angry with your spouse and have a hard time enjoying the company of your friends because it's clouding your mind. With forgiveness, you refuse to let these negative emotions control your day and how you interact with others.

Forgiveness Helps Reduce Stress

Harbouring anger and resentment can not only negatively affect your mental health, but also your physical health. Research has shown psychological stress is a well-known risk factor for poor health, but suggested remedies like forgiveness may help mitigate these effects.

Less stress can translate to positive health outcomes, such as:

lower blood pressure
reduced anxiety
Improved cholesterol levels
better sleep
improved self-esteem

In the long run, forgiveness can be the most beneficial avenue for your own healing, health and peace of mind.

Forgiveness Can Help You Reconcile

Forgiveness doesn’t always mean your relationship will be the same than before the harm was inflicted. You may forgive, but choose not to resume contact or pick a relationship back up again, and that’s okay. Forgiveness can be the closure you need, whether they are in your life or not.

What if you want them in your life? When conflicts or betrayal of trust become too heavy, seeking a third party or couples therapist may be the best course of action. Having a neutral party to handle these hard discussions can help partners forgive and move away from pointing fingers.

Forgiveness can Break the Cycle of Winners and Losers

In the heat of the moment, we can get caught up in casting blame or reacting to how much we are hurt in the moment. However, when we are more level-headed, forgiveness can help align our thinking and what options we have to get back into a healthy relationship, if that is possible.

Holding back on forgiveness because we feel our partner doesn’t deserve it or accepting an apology to “take the higher moral ground,” can sour your ability to grow deeper, more meaningful relationships . Ultimately, counting scores can prevent you from realizing that being a couple means you’re on the same team that needs cooperation and collaboration to succeed.

What if You Are the One Seeking Forgiveness?

You can ask for forgiveness but you might not always get it. The best course of action is to make it known you acknowledge your actions and how it’s affected your partner by prioritizing their feelings. Controlling your response, and genuinely being open to discuss how you can repair your relationship with your partner can let them know how remorseful you are while giving them the time and space to decide how they want to proceed.

We all make mistakes and understanding that we might not always get it right can help you understand yourself and your partner better. So when we do mess up, extend yourself the kindness to forgive your mistakes and theirs.

Tips on Practicing Forgiveness

Understanding the benefits of forgiveness is one thing, but applying the practice is another. Some strategies that can help you develop a forgiving attitude include:

Talking through your feelings. Better understanding yourself and your partner through open communication are important steps to letting go and moving on.
Find the bright side. Trying to find the silver lining or appreciating that the best outcome of a situation is the lessons learned can help you cope with the emotional pain.
Forgive the smaller things. Moving past the anger or resentment can be hard so taking one step at a time can help when you are ready to forgive the bigger things.
Forgive yourself. Acknowledging that sometimes we have a part to play in this harm or that we make mistakes can speed up the healing process for everyone.
Sharing your feelings with a third party. Seeking couples therapy or marriage counselling doesn't mean your relationship is doomed, but just needs some guidance to find each other again.

Learning how to forgive is a skill that needs practice. With the right mindset, positive attitude, willingness and help, you can move past emotional pain and get back to harmony, with yourself or in your relationships.

Helping You Navigate Forgiveness with Love of Attraction

Forgiveness is not something we can learn overnight, it is something that we work towards and seek for ourselves. However, having the proper guidance to find it can help make your relationship with yourself or your partner more meaningful.

Our individual’s and couple’s counseling sessions with registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman can help you implement the right strategies to find forgiveness and healing to restore self-love and healthy relationships.

Learn more about our broad range of couples therapy and counseling services today.

Have you conditioned your partner to badger you for sex?

Tue, 07 Dec 2021 15:52:25 GMT

It is quite the cultural norm for men to complain about the lack of sex in a monogamous relationship. Many men whine about always having to initiating first. Sometimes they send passive signals that they want sex, waiting for their partner to initiate. When they do this they’re hoping to manipulate their partner to join a poor dynamic that only leads to contempt and dissatisfaction.

Meet Heather and Steven. They have been married for 10 years and have two children. From the outside, their relationship looks steady and fulfilling and connecting. But in the bedroom, it feels like they both sleep under the bed, where the monsters of their insecurities and vulnerabilities hide.

While I sit and listen to Steven describe their sex life, this is what I hear:

“ We have sex maybe once or twice a month… she never initiates….she has no sex drive.” I can see him expose the sub context of his beliefs; that sex with Heather validates who he is as a man. His efforts to increase Heather’s sexual desire include the purchase of sex toys, plans for weekend romance trips all the while trying to do everything to make Heather want more sex.

Unfortunately, his efforts to increase her desire leaves him feeling powerless. His frequent, almost daily, invitations allow her to remain passive. She can have all the sex she wants, whenever she wants, without ever initiating it. Steven is entirely dependent on what Heather wants.

But this is not just a Steven problem. The dance of intimacy always requires two. One sad truth is that Heather has conditioned Steven to badger her for sex.

Besides rewarding Steven’s whining for sex, she is teaching him that his whining motivates her sexually.

Heather doesn’t have sex with Steven out of her natural desire. She does it when he makes her feel sufficiently guilty, or frustrated. Sometime she has sex because she fears he might cheat on her if she hasn’t “given in” lately.

Conditioning can take many forms.

Steven thinks he is going to starve sexually if he waits to initiate when he is horny. His constant uncertainty of whether he will receive sex or not, causes him to have too much anxiety to wait for it.

Heather has trained Steven to initiate more frequently than he actually wants to. Whether we’d like to admit it or not, the partner with the least desire for sex will control sexual contact and frequency . Even in an amazing relationship. This is one of the many conundrums of sex in monogamous relationships.

The solution to remove badgering from a relationship requires a concentrated effort and hard work for both partners. Each relationship has unique factors that contribute to the badgering sex problem.

In the case of Heather and Steven, they have two major issues holding them back. Heather has self-worth barriers to her sexuality. One traumatizing experience in her youth with a schoolteacher made her feel helpless to other’s desires. She felt others could take what they wanted and she had to give in. She didn’t feel worthy of her own desire because she feared giving herself up.

A Gateway into Self-Love: Masturbation

Heather occasionally masturbated even though, she and Steven rarely had sex. It gave her a little more room to feel comfortable, but not enough to ever truly want sex with Steven. During her alone time she would push herself to orgasm because “that’s what masturbating is about.”

This is far from the truth. In fact, forcing ourselves to orgasm during masturbation is a form of self-abuse . If Heather believed she was adequate as she was, there would be no need to try to reach orgasm. Over time, masturbating would become a gateway into a deep soul-searching exploration.

Questions for Heather were: “what do you think you’re worth?” Was she good enough to not cut her time short? Was she deserving enough to touch herself in any way that she desired? Or was she a slave to the perceptions of other people’s standards?

All of us have many conceptions about how sex, masturbation, and eroticism should be. This leaves very little room for us to be just ourselves. Sex, if we allow it, can have massive impacts on our self-development as a lover and as a person. It can teach us about our self-worth, and how to assert our needs. Also, how to be comfortable in giving ourselves the time and pleasure we authentically want.

Heather began to have more orgasms over time. She started feeling better about herself. Her conception that she was sexually defective faded. It took her taking on her self-worth issues before she could have fulfilling orgasms with Steven. Over time she started to initiate more. She started to push the upper boundaries of her sexual relationship with Steven as her newfound growth encouraged her to dive deeper into the newfound cave of her sexual desires.

And then Steven stopped wanting sex.

Any emotional change in a partner causes a shift in the relationship. Heather’s sexual progress didn’t validate Steven’s belief that she was sexually inept. It proved quite the opposite.

Heather wanted and initiated sex not because of her partner, but because she likes herself more. Her sense of self improved, which in turn challenged Steven’s sense of himself. Steven’s self-worth before Heather’s personal growth was influenced by her “sexual defectiveness.” Steven could artificially inflate himself because his partner’s performance lacked luster.

Her self-improvement caused Steven a great deal of anxiety. So much that he tried to put her back in the box of sexual inadequacy. When she stood her ground, Steven was left with a two-choice dilemma: to stop valuing himself by his sexual performance or to leave the relationship. Luckily for Heather, Steven stepped up to the challenge and began evaluating the stories he had about his own value.

His dependence on validation from others caused problems for the both of them. He, like so many of us, believed that indifference was the driver of the no-sex bus. But as Steven began to learn how to hold onto himself in times of sexual uncertainty in the relationship, the relationship grew.

He no longer used Heather’s sexual responses as a validation of his self-worth. Rather, he let her experience her sexual self in tandem with his own exploration. He initiated without trying to make Heather want sex.

Sexual conflict invites you to stretch both yourself and your relationship. You can either accept the invitation to walk into the scary forest of yourself and change from within, or you can simply badger sexual desire out of your relationship. It’s up to you. What will be your choice?

6 Ways to Build a Deeper Relationship With Your Partner

Wed, 01 Dec 2021 23:59:49 GMT

We all want to build deeper connections with the ones we love. Unfortunately sometimes getting the tools and putting in the work to grow these rich long-term healthy relationships can be a huge obstacle in getting what we want.

To create these meaningful connections with your partner, you have to lay down the groundwork. Without the right mindset, attitude and guidance, you might find yourself stuck swimming in the shallow end when it comes to romance.

Here are six ways you can dive deeper with your partner to create more meaningful connections.

Work Towards Building Emotional Intimacy

It all starts here. Your ability to build emotionally intimate relationships can determine how deeply you will grow with your partner.

According to Sanam Hafeez , a neuropsychologist in New York City and faculty member in Columbia University’s clinical psychology Ph.D. program, emotional intimacy is defined by how much you allow yourself to open up with your significant other through actions that express genuine feelings, vulnerabilities and trust. This means sharing secrets, having open communication in relationships and sharing your love without the fear of judgment.

We need to feel safe and secure in a relationship because intimacy and closeness cannot grow without it. However, without taking the first step and committing to emotional intimacy, it’s nearly impossible to get past the initial stages of a relationship.

Be Mindfully Vulnerable to Establish Trust in Your Relationship

We cannot control how others express their vulnerability, but we can control how we express ours.

Even if we’ve spent an enormous amount of time with someone, it’s sometimes difficult to break down our personal walls. On the opposite end, sometimes we yearn for deeper connections that we serve our heart to anyone who will take it. Though you cannot force someone to become vulnerable, you can take that first step in opening up to your partner --- but only when you feel ready to do so.

When and how you share your personal life, secrets or feelings are completely up to you. Trust yourself and in turn, you can begin building trust in your relationship.

Find Yourself so You Can Find Each Other

It’s hard to expect your partner to know what you want if you aren’t able to communicate it yourself. In finding yourself and identifying your own needs or desires, you can better understand each other.

Couples counselling can help you find each other and a deeper connection to yourself. Part of this therapy is locating stuck points in your long-term relationship by discussing the relationship as a whole in addition to you and your partner as individuals. In the initial stages of couples therapy, partners may participate in individual sessions to express their point-of-view and identity to better ground themselves on the journey to building a stronger bond with their spouse and inner self.

Working with a therapist or taking time to truly understand yourself as an individual can strengthen your relationships as you dive deeper.

Give Your Partner Compliments and Daily Affirmations

It’s not easy being vulnerable, make sure to show your partner you appreciate their progress and cherish how far they’ve come.

It may seem small but these gestures show that you care and have taken on an active role in your long-term relationship. Specific compliments validate how much you have grown together and will remind you why this person is special. You never want your partner to feel invisible because you forgot to share your appreciation or vice versa.

Routines are Great but Spontaneity Can Keep the Spark alive

With how busy life gets, it’s easy to hit a relationship comfort zone plateau where we get stuck just going through the motions. Don’t let this be you.

Oftentimes, couples will think their relationship is broken because their routines create complacency with decreased effort in trying to impress and trying to spark joy and vulnerability in the other person. But that’s not enough to understand each other on a deeper level. It is incredibly important that we make time for each other in a more profound way than just the occasional dinner or bedtime together.

Relationships evolve all the time and even after five, ten, or fifty years together, there is still a lot to explore in your partner.

Be Present

How you make time to actively build memories and be with your partner (without looking at your phone) is incredibly important. Express interest , make eye contact and focus on who you’re with and what they’re saying.

If you are having disagreements, make sure to hear your partner’s concerns before jumping to make yours. If you are having a special evening, make sure to be in the moment and not live through your camera lens. When we have these unconscious barriers that limit how fully we are listening and experiencing life with our partner, it’s hard to appreciate how significant our relationship is.

If you’re not present to experience love, you might miss out on the best parts of being in it.

Making Your Relationship Last

Love is not something we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow. Implementing these strategies shows the intention to make your long-term relationship, marriage, or partnership last.

It’s not always easy building deeper connections, but putting in the work and acknowledging mutual growth when you try can be truly rewarding. Even if you are finding trouble diving deeper with each other, there is always help to guide you through the process.

Build Deeper Connections With Your Partner Today

Take the next step in your long-term relationship with the help of professional couples therapists. Seeking relationship counselling has been shown to help numerous couples build richer long-term connections. The Love of Attraction couple’s counselling sessions with registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman can help you feel heard, supported and move towards lasting collaboration in your relationship.

Check out our website to find out more about our broad range of couples therapy and counselling services today.

Why Going On A 'Relationship Retreat' With Your Partner Might Be The Secret To Lasting Love

accounts@cc94.com (Conscious Commerce) — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 18:25:02 GMT

Couples retreats are specially designed packages that focus on providing couples with a therapeutic and revitalizing experience. There are many different types of couples retreats out there, but most of them will contain some type of relaxation relationship, and marriage counselling.

Whether you are going through an unhappy marriage, a crisis in your relationship, or experiencing a fear or lack of physical intimacy—a couples retreat will provide a great opportunity for you and your partner to spend quality time together. Our retreats take place in a serene location that allows couples to focus on each other.

Intentional weekend retreats focused on recalibrating and relaxing are practiced by many types of people, from tech start-ups to spiritual gurus. The benefits of taking time away from daily routines allow people to unwind, and in the case of couples therapy retreats, connect with their loved ones, and nurture their emotional connection

Today, we’re going to explore how a couples retreat can help both married and unmarried partners have a healthy relationship as you reach new heights and overcome persistent challenges.

What To Expect on a Couples Retreat

The ultimate goal of a couples retreat is to improve your relationship while simultaneously having a romantic vacation and escaping daily routines. You and your loved one will be away from everyday life, work, kids, chores, and social obligations. It’s the perfect time to focus on yourself and your partner.

What exactly does that look like, though? Typically, a couples retreat will last one or two days and be in a group format. You may have 10-15 other couples doing similar activities and therapy sessions. Of course, even in these larger settings, there will still be plenty of one-on-one time. You can also find a couples retreat in Calgary that’s more private and individualized.

Whichever size of retreat you select, you can expect plenty of marriage counselling and related bonding activities. Activities include group discussions, role-plays, communication exercises, and specific romantic adventures.

How Does a Couples Retreat Contribute to a Healthy Relationship?

While the exact itinerary may vary between couples' retreats, they are all designed with the purpose of improving your relationship and marriage. This includes couples counselling and other activities discussed above, but how do they actually help?

There are countless ways a couples retreat can enhance your relationship. Some of the most impactful benefits of a couples retreat are:

Rediscover why you fell in love with each other: Daily routines, stressful jobs, rambunctious kids, and endless errands can all distract you from your loved one. A marriage retreat removes all of those distractions and helps remind both of you why you fell in love in the first place.
Couples learn what’s “normal”: It’s hard to pin down exactly what “normal” is in a relationship, but couples will walk away from a retreat with a healthier perspective of what to expect in a relationship. Having specific guidance from a relationship expert will help navigate any challenges or behaviors that seem unusual. Sometimes, couples discover that their specific challenge is quite universal and that they are not alone.
Couples will recommit to each other: Agreeing to go on a couples retreat alone signifies both partners’ commitment to the relationship. After you’ve gone through intensive counselling, intentional relaxation, and romantic adventures, you will both return home renewed and recommitted.

Is a Couples Retreat the Right Option for You?

Do you think your relationship would benefit from setting aside time just for each other? You don’t need to wait until there are specific challenges or you fear the relationship may end; relationship retreats are valuable to every couple out there.

Are you ready to reach new depths in your relationship? Book one of our relationship retreats today to discover how it can improve your relationship.

The Ghosts of Intimacy

Thu, 28 Oct 2021 13:15:06 GMT

It’s almost Hallowe’en and folks are decorating their doors and yards and kids are choosing their costumes for this year. As the scariness rises this season, I want to talk about The Ghosts of Intimacy. These are the phantoms created in our minds and hearts as we grow up, just like so many of the scary creatures we encounter in our psyches. They slipped into our unconscious mind in childhood as we watched our parents and other adults interact, witnessed examples of intimacy on TV, or heard tales told by our equally uninformed peers.

According to an article in Psychology Today , it appears that The Ghosts of Intimacy may travel in groups of three. Research shows that there are three primary fears that keep people from talking about their issues around intimacy:

Threat to relationship . People fear the conflict discussion will irreparably damage the relationship. In other words, they value their relationships even when they’re not happy ones. So, they’d rather say nothing than risk a conflict that might improve it but might also tear it apart.
Threat to partner. People fear the conflict discussion will hurt their partner’s feelings. That is to say, they care about their partner’s welfare even when they’re not happy with the way their relationship with them is going. Again, they’d rather muddle through than make their partner feel uncomfortable, even at a chance of making things better.
Threat to self. People fear the conflict discussion will make them vulnerable. If they reveal too much about themselves, they worry that their partner will disapprove of them or try to make them feel shame. We need our partner’s approval, and the fear of losing it is a major reason why people avoid talking about sensitive issues in the first place.

In short, this study showed that the main reason why people avoid talking with their partners about [intimacy] issues is because they view such a discussion as threatening to themselves.

Conflict is inevitable in relationships, and issues of intimacy are among the hardest of all to confront. And yet, conflict itself isn’t a sign that the relationship is in trouble. On the contrary, if both partners approach the discussion with a desire to resolve the issue, the relationship will be strengthened as a result.

This is great news, and completely consistent with one of the foundational principles of Imago Relationship Therapy . Conflict is inevitable – how you deal with it changes everything . When you have the tools and the skills and use them, the Ghosts of Intimacy can be put rest for good. Those scary conversations with your partner that once led to a ghastly conflict may now breathe new life into your relationship. A sense of calm can rise within and in the space between the couple. Let the spirits of validation, compassion and empathy lead you to deeper connection and emotional healing this season.

Choosing a Couples Therapist That Is Right for Your Relationship

Fri, 17 Sep 2021 15:46:14 GMT

Romantic relationships without any issues often only exist in fairytales. Trying to find solutions to manage quarrels with your partner can be tough, but help is out there if you know where to look.

Especially for couples dealing with cycles of miscommunication, seeking a marriage counsellor or couples therapist can be a necessary route in managing difficult situations and rebuilding a healthier relationship.

Here are four tips on finding and choosing a competent and efficient couples therapist who can support you and your partner.

Find Therapists with Specialized Training in Couples Therapy

Sometimes couples will go through multiple therapists with little to no changes in their relationship or no clarity as to how they can shift the tide of their romantic issues. Making sure the type of therapist you see is first, licensed for couples therapy and has specific training in this field so you know you are receiving the proper techniques, interventions and supervision that can have a positive effect on your relationship right from the get-go

It’s also important to seek out therapists who align with the way relationships work for you without you having to teach your therapist terminology. This specialization pertains to expertise in the specific type of relationship you and your partner identify with, which can involve diverse sexual and gender expressions/ identities, such as non-monogamy, kink/BDSM and so on.

Get to Know Potential Therapists on the Initial Meeting or Interview

After finding a few possible couple therapists to work with, taking some time to get to know these professionals can help you and your partner gauge their counselling styles, techniques, experience and relationship beliefs. This first interview process can help you decide if you are a good fit for each other.

It can be overwhelming picking who to work with after a meeting or two, so here are some questions you can ask to vet their compatibility:

What specific formal education and supervised training in couples therapy have you received?
What percentage of couples you’ve worked with have seen improvement as a result of therapy with you?
What does a successful marriage look like to you? What change do you look for in couples during therapy who have romantic issues before seeking professional help?
What does working with you look like? What does your plan of action or therapy session structure look like?
Do you offer online relationship counselling , workshops, individual sessions or imago therapy ? How flexible is your scheduling?

Couples may also participate in individual sessions with the therapist at the beginning to express any concerns in confidence or ask questions without the pressure that can arise when their partner is present.

Sticking With Therapy Can Mean Longer Lasting Improvements

Unfortunately, fixing problems in romantic relationships doesn’t happen overnight. It can be tempting to drop out early, but research shows that couples who stick with therapy show the most improvements long-term .

Experienced and skilled couples therapists know there is a difference between merely improving surface issues and making lasting developments by addressing deeply rooted problems. While it’s possible to see significant improvements within the first handful of sessions, considering committing to longer-term sessions can really demonstrate the lasting effectiveness of relationship therapy in dealing with surface and deep issues.

Take Control of your Couples Therapy Journey

Don’t forget that this is your relationship and your therapy. Making sure you are honest with your therapist about what you’ve found helpful and clearing up any misunderstandings will considerably aid in your couples therapy experience and the value you get out of it.

A good therapist will understand that therapy is never one-size-fits-all and can adjust how they work with you and your relationship if you communicate your concerns. Although sometimes this confrontation can be uncomfortable, being open to expressing your needs and boundaries are foundational steps to rebuilding a stronger bond with yourself, your partner and your relationships through couples counselling.

Often, it will challenge you and your partner to break the rules you’ve created that get you stuck in the first place. But during the process, a professional therapist can help you build new bridges of connection that can create feelings of intimacy, being seen, and feeling cared for.

Finding the Right Couples Therapist Is the First Step to Healthier Romantic Relationships

Seeking counselling doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. Finding a couples therapist who will support your romantic relationship transformation can help to reignite a spark in your marriage, rebuild trust from sexual problems, and mediate difficult discussions between you and your partner.

Choose Love of Attraction For Professional Couples Therapy

Whether it’s couples workshops or in-person sessions, relationship therapy can help couples transform their relationships into healthy, happy and respectful bonds where they can communicate and connect on a deeper level.

At Love of Attraction, our certified couples therapist and clinician will work directly with clients in Calgary to help rebuild stronger foundations of their relationship and guide partners back to true connection and communication. Visit our website to find out about our broad range of couples therapy services today.

When things get heated, do this!

Mon, 30 Aug 2021 14:49:33 GMT

How to have a successful Time-Out when things get heated

Being able to shift gears in the heat of an argument and take a break is one of the most crucial relationship skills. It’s also one of the most difficult.

Breaks give you time to calm down, deepen your perspective, and have a successful “do-over” with your partner. In order to be successful, however, it helps to follow a few basic practices.

Unfortunately, when conflicts arise, many of us are likely to do more harm than good. We shut down conversations prematurely or push our partner past their threshold of tolerance, and when this happens, both partners can get locked in a stalemate..

We compound the problem by misusing the time apart. We may become more self-righteous which includes obsessing over wrongs we believe our partner has committed. This can happen silently as we ruminate internally, or it can happen vocally when we “vent” to sympathetic others.

When you’re feeling self-righteous indignation, you tend to see your partner as the problem. It morphs the potential healing power of a timeout into just another hurt, widening the distance between you.

Even if you’re in a relationship that is not prone to volatility, you’re still vulnerable. As mammals, we’ve evolved to be acutely aware of one another’s nonverbal cues. Our spouses may read body language like eye-rolling, the avoidance of eye contact, loud sighs, and dismissive tone of voice as threats. These signs communicate disdain, which slowly erodes trust and intimacy.

How do you take space in such a way that supports your relationship, brings you closer, and gives you a perspective that moves beyond blame?

There are three things to consider before taking a break from conflict.

The When

Timing is everything. This means not shutting your partner down prematurely. In a healthy relationship, it’s important to hang in there even when your partner says things you don’t agree with.

Listening non-defensively, finding the reasonable part of their complaint, and offering assurance can go a long way in avoiding escalation. Non-verbal cues, such as nodding your head and maintaining eye contact, can significantly increase the likelihood of a productive conversation.

It’s important to recognize that even if you do this, arguments can still spiral out of control. For this reason, the when is also about recognizing when it is time to stop, give yourselves a chance to cool down, and recover from the threat chemicals from high jacking your centeredness

It’s a fine line. To do it well, you must simultaneously be able to tolerate low-level conflict, and yet be aware of when it has become more beneficial to stop an argument at a moment’s notice. When every fiber of your being wants to shut down or scream, catch yourself on the cusp of feeling compromised and take a deep breath, and let your partner know that you need a break. Have a pre-arranged signal ie a word or phrase – ie “Time Out” or make a “T” with your hands. The message behind the signal is:

Dear Partner: For whatever reason, right or wrong, I am about to lose it. If I stay here and keep this up with you I am liable to do or say something stupid that I know I’m going to regret. Therefore, I am taking a break to get a grip on myself and calm down. I’ll be back.

The What

Once you have recognized that a break from conflict needs to happen, what you do with it will determine whether the time apart will be beneficial or detrimental.

Navigating relational turmoil solo can stir up a slew of emotions. Even if you are the one who initiated the space, it’s not uncommon to find yourself feeling abandoned and rejected, or hyper-vigilant and self-protected. Both of these mindsets can barricade you from reconnecting with your partner and, ultimately, do more harm than good.

For this reason, it is important during a timeout to intentionally cease any negative thoughts about your partner. Instead, try to consciously cultivate receptivity to the idea that there may be more to the picture than what you are seeing and feeling from your angered vantage point.

For this to succeed, refrain from venting to others, or even to yourself. Instead, channel your turmoil into something unrelated . Go for a walk, fold the laundry, weed the garden, watch a show, do yoga, meditate, journal or do anything that takes your mind away from the conflict.

While engaged in this other activity, if your mind latches onto anger or fear, allow yourself to let it go and intentionally consider that there may be no clear right or wrong. There are two views to every conflict and both are valid.

The How

Once you have decided to take a break and you have used that break wisely to reset yourself emotionally, the next is the how – coming back together and trying again.

Timeouts can’t last forever. They play a crucial role in helping you shift into a more centered and open place as a couple. But they can also backfire. If the break turns into a stalemate, the prolonged silence can be injurious and erode at trust in your relationship.

We recommend they should last at least twenty minutes, since it will take that much time for your bodies to physiologically calm down. Anything more than a day can begin to feed negative sentiment.

If this happens, there’s a good chance your timeout has morphed into a silent battleground where issues of control and power are being played out between you. In these instances, you’ll each risk assuming that the other partner is fully responsible for re-initiating repair and taking the high road.

If you are the person who called the time out, you are the person that returns, otherwise, it can be a painful ordeal for the person that was left. There tends to be one partner who pursues more and the one who distances more. If you call a Time Out, you are taking a responsible break with an intention to self-soothe and return. Otherwise, it could be perceived as the a hurtful withdrawal. Your focus is on a reconnection sooner rather than later.

Cultivate an attitude of repair. People who are successful in their relationships know that conflict is inevitable and they trust in their ability to handle their disagreements. Upon return, do not pick up from where you left off with the fight. Reconnect first by staying, I am sorry, or that wasn’t my finest moment, I love you or let’s have a redo. Once you are both calm, move into a repair process. Stick to the one issue at using I statements.

Learning to stay calm in the face of threat is not easy, but with time and practice we all have the potential to become less reactive, to move more fluidly in and out of conflict, and stay connected. Love smarter by paying attention to the when, the what, and the how before and during taking a break.

Relationship Counseling: 5 Things You Should Know

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Fri, 30 Jul 2021 20:26:33 GMT

Dealing with problems in romantic relationships is tough, there is no doubt about that. However, trying to find solutions doesn’t have to be something you have to do on your own.

Especially when couples are stuck in a loop of miscommunication, seeking relationship counseling can be the solution that helps partners handle the difficult conversations and work through these challenging situations.

Here are five things you should know when considering relationship counseling.

The First Sessions: Gauging the Waters

When trying out different marriage counselors or couples therapists, the first few sessions will start simple. Most counselors will begin with basic question and answer sessions to gauge how the couple is feeling and allow each partner to explain their history and perspective on any issues that brought them to counseling in the first place.

Choosing the right therapist can take time to find the right fit. Seek out relationship counsellors that have training or expertise in the area of relationships. It is common to have some anxiety up front. The preliminary sessions build rapport between the couple and the relationship therapist and help set the tone of the goals that each party is trying to achieve.

Relationship Counseling Isn’t About Pointing Fingers

The game of “he said, she said,” garners no winners.

Relationship counseling is a uniquely safe space to confront issues in a relationship and repair the foundation for a stable relationship between romantic partners and less about determining who is right or wrong.

Couples can expect to learn productive tools for managing conflict, heightening communication and reframe how they approach their long-term relationship moving forward. Counseling helps unhappy couples look inward to recognize their own behaviours, which influence better conflict resolution and the success of a healthy relationship.

Seeking Counseling Doesn’t Mean Your Relationship is Doomed

The misconception that working with a couples therapist means you’re doomed is wildly untrue.

The reasons partners go to relationship counseling ranges dramatically. Some couples seek help to reignite a spark in their marriage, some want to rebuild trust from sexual problems, and some just need a mediator to aid discussions or disagreements.

Whether it’s couples retreats or in-person sessions, relationship counseling doesn’t have to be deemed “ the final solution.” Working through issues in a relationship at any stage helps us grow as partners and build a healthier bond and connection between partners.

Attitude Determines Success

Confronting issues in a relationship and looking inward at some of our own negative behaviours isn’t easy. However, being willing to engage in the process of therapy will determine its success.

Trusting the process, being honest about your feelings and actively listening to your partner are key things couples can do to make relationship counseling more effective. Growth comes from confronting ugly truths and your counseling therapist is here to help guide you to the finish line.

Relationship Counseling Means Starting a New Relationship With Each Other

Relationship counseling helps couples reframe their perspective on themselves, their partners and their relationship as a whole. Developing a new mindset frees partners from getting stuck in a loop and stepping into a stable relationship with a better sense of self, boundaries, healthy communication, and willingness to grow together.

How Love of Attraction Can Help

Relationship counseling can help couples transform their relationships into healthy, respectful and happy bonds where they can communicate on things that truly matter.

At The Love of Attraction, we work directly with clients in person, online and one-on-one to help rebuild the foundations of their relationship and guide partners back to true connection. Visit our website to find out about our broad range of couples counseling services today.

The Roadmap To Change

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Wed, 30 Jun 2021 13:48:13 GMT

We believe your relationship can thrive. We believe your relationship can become masterful. We believe well over 50% of your challenge is simply lack of skills.

One of the major shifts that the Getting the Love You Want Couples Weekend can bring to the world is the understanding that necessary relationship skills come through challenge and effort. Especially if you’ve never seen a competent, successful relationship. Have you? Most of us haven’t. You probably never learned those skills in school. Where would you expect to have gleaned this important knowledge?

We maintain that the weekend retreat setting is the fastest way to learn these skills. We are firm believers that the Couples Weekends provide a six-month leap in the experience of competency in a relationship. It is invaluable to have the opportunity to learn and grow together as relational beings, as a couple and in a community in a setting that makes learning and growing fun and normalized. Many couples walk away from the weekend say, I now don’t feel so alone.

As adults, we are not prone to willingly reach out to gain new skills. Our life experiences have taught us that wanting and gaining new skills is not an exciting and interesting experience. Those of us, who like to learn new skills, and go after them, have had good life experiences being a novice. Unfortunately, many of us think we should hide or stay away from anything we are not good at already.

We speak frequently of the importance of understanding the willingness to make a change and the ability to make a change. We tell our couples that they can’t effectively decide whether they want to make a change in their relationship, unless first they know how to make a change. The Getting the Love You Want Couples Weekend Retreats give you the how, the roadmap, and the help.

Couples that decide not to pursue the roadmap once they know how to make a change, have good reasons. These reasons are to be respected. Sometimes, resistance is driven by an avoidance of addressing our own ineptitudes and failures, but diving into these areas can lead us into much greater competency and success.

All the struggles in relationships can be wound down to a single problem: how to navigate our differences. Shifting our mindset to a place of curiousity about our differences instead of terror, can help us find a bridge to one another. It can instill the belief that synergy is possible. We are convinced that investing one’s resources to gather skills, consciousness, and hope should be a requirement of any relationship.

Come and get the skills! Enjoy yourself while you do it!! Think of yourself as improving you, your relationships, and the whole world you touch.

Solving Marriage Conflict When There Is No Clear Resolution in Sight

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Wed, 16 Jun 2021 18:35:49 GMT

Conflict in marriage is bound to happen. We are all human, and when our needs aren’t met, or there are differences in views, we will clash to get our side of the story heard.

However, while conflict is inevitable, there are strategies to make sure when we do clash, it can be constructive. Especially during complex quarrels where resolution has blurred lines, using the proper methods in communication and empathy can make all the difference.

Here are three constructive strategies you should use when tackling marriage conflict when there is no cookie-cutter resolution in sight.

Moving Towards Collaboration and Empathy

Often, we tend to approach conflict in our relationships or marriage with the mindset that convincing our spouse our viewpoint is right is the number one goal. However, just as often, this tactic typically leads to dead-ends.

Shifting the direction of the conversation towards trying to understand your partner’s viewpoint and making a sincere attempt to listen and communicate actively can dramatically turn heated arguments around. Reciprocating the same attentiveness can disarm the defensive posture often taken in marital conflict and open up a new way of hearing and understanding your spouse’s core emotions and concerns.

Taking Responsibility for Your Part

In the heat of the moment, we sometimes get tunnel vision and zero in on only what our spouses are doing wrong without regard for what part we play in this conflict. Taking a step back and asking yourself what you might be doing to add fuel to the flame is one of the most vital steps in moving towards resolution.

It is courageous to admit your faults in moments of conflict. However, being willing to take responsibility for what you are doing and apologizing for it can change the entire dynamic of the conflict and help both of you grow as partners.

Addressing Mismatched Dynamics

In a marriage, both spouses are equal counterparts. Maintaining a sense of balance, however that might mean for your specific needs and goals, is vital to minimizing marriage conflict and potential build-up of resentment or unfair feeling of an unhealthy power play.

In cases where one spouse already feels like there is a mismatched power dynamic, seeking marriage counseling can be imperative. Having a trusted expert in couple’s therapy that provides an unbiased, third party outlook to the situation can help spouses see eye-to-eye and get back to being partners.

Choose the Right Relationship Counselling Team to Handle Marriage Conflict

At the end of the day, you and your partner are both fighting on the side of your marriage and partnership. While marriage can be difficult to navigate, having the right tools, strategies and sometimes the right relationship counseling team to guide you through the roughest waters is what you need to make it through together.

The Love of Attraction couple’s counseling sessions with registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman can help you develop the right strategies to solve marriage conflict and move towards true collaboration in your relationship.

Are you interested in online marriage counseling? Check out our website to find out more about our broad range of in-person and online couples counseling services today.

After an Argument, is your Repair Effective?

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Mon, 31 May 2021 18:04:40 GMT

All couples face moments of disconnection. All couples argue. This is a fact and supported by decades of research including watching the crucial moments between infants and caregivers. What makes a successful couple is their ability to repair after a fight, after a moment of stepping on each other’s toes or a hurtful regrettable incident. Today, we are more stressed because of external factors and these externals tensions can spill over into your relationship or marriage. By becoming masters of repair, you stay out of the nightmare and erosion of your relationship. Employing repair attempts often and early can resolve disputes before they escalate.

With that said, not all repair attempts are effective, and the success of a repair attempt has to do how well it was tailored to the other person.

What is a repair attempt?

A repair attempt is any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. John Gottman PhD, calls repair attempts a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. His research shows “the success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether a marriage is likely to flourish or flounder.”

But what do we do when our repair fails?

Here’s an example in Elizabeth and Jack’s household, the never-ending, who-cleans-the-dishes Sound familiar? It can be a dispute for this couple that rarely gets repaired well. This is because Jack grew up in a family where plates were always cleaned promptly after use, and leaving dirty dishes overnight was as not allowed or acceptable. Elizabeth grew up with a more laissez-faire attitude toward dishes, letting them exist in the sink in until they get in the way.

The ongoing tension over dishes results in small, frequent blow-ups on Jack’s end, and leaves Elizabeth struggling to make repair attempts, some of which fail horribly.

Sometimes Elizabeth attempts to repair with physical touch, by hugging or kissing Jack. Elizabeth interprets touch as a way to express affection in the midst of conflict.

While Jack appreciates touch in general, when he is physiologically flooded, his walls go up and to him touch feels like an act of aggression – even though he is aware that Elizabeth’s touch is a repair attempt.

Making repair attempts isn’t enough

One lesson Elizabeth has learned over time is that Jack responds well to humor, in part because Elizabeth knows he is uptight about insignificant things like dishes. So when the dish argument rears its ugly head, rather than trying to hug Jack, Elizabeth has taken to humoring him. She twirls around points at Jack and in a funny voice starts calling him by his pet name . The result invariably makes Jack laugh, and the conflict is de-escalated even if the problem isn’t resolved. And in this instance at least, Elizabeth also addresses Jack’s primary concern. She rolls up her sleeves and does the dishes.

Marriage can teach us that the simple act of making repair attempts isn’t enough. Knowing your spouse and understanding their needs especially in the context of conflict, will help you devise ways to more effectively de-escalate and calm the situation.

Do you know how your partner receives love?

Maybe your partner responds well to gifts, and so during a cool-down period after a fight you go buy her a flower or her favorite coffee drink from Starbucks. Maybe your spouse craves affirmation, and so during a fight you seek to reassure him how much you love him, even when you’re angry about something he did. Maybe your partner likes acknowledgement of the injury and their feelings and loves to hear I am sorry that I hurt you.

Knowing how your partner receives love and what they need to repair from conflict is like having a secret weapon tailored just to them and their well-being.

Of course, simply making a good repair attempt doesn’t ensure success. It’s also incumbent upon the other partner to recognize and accept the attempt. And if only one person in a relationship is habitually making the effort to resolve the conflict, the imbalance may take its toll over time. Both partners need to put in the effort toward dissolving and eliminating negativity and, where possible, mending the rupture of connection.

For Jack’s part, he knows that in the midst of conflict, Elizabeth will feel comforted with physical touch – a comforting hand on her knee or a gentle arm around her. Jack knows Elizabeth loves quality time, so any productive dispute will involve a conversation when both partners are physically present. The magic is that once one partner makes a repair attempt, the other person feels better and usually responds in kind.

Developing effective tools to mitigate the conflict and get past it as quickly as possible is important for stabilizing your connection and shortens how long it stays in the memory. The effort you make may not be comfortable or easy to you, however, learning that a significant part of love is simply making the effort to repair, preserve, and grow the relationship. Love might be challenging and work, but it helps to remember that the more we have caring concern towards our partner, the more we deepen our love for each other.

5 Relationship Conflict Strategies You Need to Know About

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 27 May 2021 19:47:07 GMT

Let’s face it, conflict is inevitable. While we will not always see eye to eye with our significant other, how we manage or express those differences is something we can actually control. With the proper techniques, tools, and intentions, addressing conflicts can bring spouses closer.

Here are five tips to better handle conflict in your relationship.

1. Discuss Conflict Resolution Before Anger Arises

Conflict management requires a willingness for resolution from both parties. It’s important to discuss how you would like to manage disagreements and what your typical stuck points are before things get heated.

In talking about what your habits typically manifest as when you’re angry, you and your spouse can help each other navigate what deep issues underlie these reactions and what to do to mitigate them from a neutral, more supportive headspace.

2. Walk Away When You’re Angry

In the realm of relationship conflicts, we emphasize getting into the habit of not discussing issues when you are angry, especially if all you’re doing is seeing who can shout the loudest.

Arguing in the presence of anger changes the intention of the conflict. Instead of trying to resolve the problem at hand, often, people may resort to tactics that mean to hurt their significant other because they themselves feel attacked. In walking away when you’re angry, you can clear your head, breathe, and come back to the issue with a more holistic mindset.

3. Take Your Time

Conflict is never going to be easy. Even with the best intentions, it can be challenging to get your point across without offending your spouse or partner. That’s why it’s essential to slow down and consciously understand what you’re trying to express .

We may not always get it right, but taking the time to open up that dialogue is the first step to better managing disagreements in the future. Go for a walk, sit with your partner. It shows you you are ready to show up, listen and make things work.

4. Always Be Prepared to Apologize

In the end, you may feel that you were in the right. You may even have been in the right, but that’s not the point. In times of conflict, you and your spouse are both still on the side of your relationship.

Apologizing may feel unjustified, but it doesn’t mean you have to accept you were wrong. Apologizing means saying that you are sorry that there was a disagreement, and you are sorry that your partner is upset and that you are committed to finding a way forward that works for your relationship.

5. Actively Listen and Discuss

This is the big one. After all, communication is key.

In arguments, we often focus too heavily on getting our point across that we aren’t actually listening to our partners. Be prepared to listen to your partner so you can build a compromise and solution based on a real understanding of your differences and separate viewpoints.

Moving Towards Collaboration

Adopting these strategies shows the intention to make your relationship, marriage, or partnership last.

Employing the help of relationship experts has been shown to help numerous couples get through their most heated conflicts. The Love of Attraction couple’s counseling sessions with registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman can help you with conflict resolution in your relationship, giving you the support you need to move towards a truly collaborative partnership.

Check out our website to find out more about our broad range of couples therapy and counseling services today.

Why Apologizing is great for Your Marriage

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Tue, 27 Apr 2021 15:00:11 GMT

Couples can release toxic pain and hurt when they are able to give sincere apologies to each other

Recent studies have found that apologizing to your spouse and asking for forgiveness are crucial ingredients in a successful marriage. Apologizing to your partner when appropriate will validate their feelings, promote forgiveness, and allow you both to move on from mistakes.

Rather than pointing fingers in an effort to identify who is at fault, humbling oneself and confessing to the words or behavior that have caused your partner pain, upset, or harm can go a long way toward strengthening your marriage. It’s not about who is right or wrong if it’s a matter of your being “right” at the expense of causing pain to your spouse.

Jake feels resentment and anger towards his wife Erin since he found out that she spent some their savings on a down payment for a vacation with her sister. Over the past month, Jake has shut down emotionally and he’s been giving Erin the silent treatment. After their second couples counseling session, Erin apologized to Jake and his positive feelings and goodwill toward her are slowly being restored.

Jake puts it like this: “ Erin says she deserves a nice vacation with her sister Caitlin but I was resentful that she didn’t tell me about it and it drained our savings. But now that she said she was sorry in a sincere way, I’m beginning to see that she made a mistake and is still the love of my life. ”

When Erin was able to confess her wrongdoing and ask Jake to forgive her, this had a positive effect on his ability regain trust and had a healing effect on their marriage.

According to experts, the capacity to seek and grant forgiveness is one of the most significant factors contributing to marital satisfaction and a lifetime of love. Forgiving others and yourself is necessary for achieving healthy relationships. It is about being willing to acknowledge that you are capable of making mistakes, of being wounded, and can also risk being vulnerable.

Why are apologies important?

Often people equate apologizing with weakness and it’s widely believed that if you apologize to someone you’re making yourself too vulnerable. However, apologizing can also be seen as a strength because it shows you are able to show goodwill toward your partner and it promotes forgiveness. Studies show that forgiving someone is one way of letting go of your baggage so that you can heal and enjoy a better quality of life.

“Apologizing and practicing forgiveness is about giving yourself and your partner, the kind of future you and they deserve...”

Couples who are emotionally attuned can fully process and move on from negative emotional events, forgive, and ultimately create a stronger relationship. In other words, couples who are able to give sincere apologies to each other can rid themselves of the toxic hurt and shame that holds them back from feeling connected and emotionally attuned with their partner.

You may stubbornly hold onto the belief that you have nothing to apologize for – especially is your hurtful behavior or words were not intentional. However, apologizing to your partner is a key aspect of a successful marriage because it allows you to let go of large and small transgressions.

If you do apologize to your partner, be sure to do it in the right way that does not include excuses for your actions or words. Not all apologies will be the same but most will contain some of the following elements.

7 effective ways to apologize to your partner:

Identify two reasons you feel sorry for the hurt that your behavior or words caused your partner. Gaining awareness of the emotions you experience about your own past hurt can help you feel empathy for your partner. Ask yourself: why did I feel the need to behave in a way that caused my partner pain or upset? Was my behavior intentional?
Accept responsibility for your hurtful actions or words. Acknowledge that you messed up by saying something like “I take responsibility for my actions and I’m sorry that they hurt you.” One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship. One person’s response will literally change the brain waves of the other person.”
Use the words “I am sorry” and “I was wrong” when you apologize. Your apology will more likely be heard and accepted if you use these words. Be specific about exactly what you did to hurt, humiliate, or embarrass your partner.
Explain to your partner how you plan to repair the situation (if this is possible) . For example, if you said something to hurt your mother-in-law’s feelings, you might offer to apologize to her over lunch or by writing her a note.
Describe why you said or did what you did without making excuses or blaming your mate or someone else. Using “I” statements rather than “You” statements can help you avoid the blame monster. For instance, you might say “I yelled at you because I had an awful day and need to go back to work. I very am sorry for treating you this way” rather than “You promised to have dinner ready at 6 pm and it aggravated me when you didn’t keep your promise.”
Ask your partner to grant you forgiveness . Be specific about your actions and words that need to be forgiven. Be sure to do so when the setting is conducive to a private conversation and there aren’t any distractions (TV, cell phones, children in the room, etc.).
Don’t let wounds poison your love for your spouse. Be vulnerable and don’t let your pride cause you to hold on to being “right.” Discussing what happened with your spouse and taking responsibility for your actions will allow you to let go of resentment so you can improve the quality of your relationship.

Apologies are an essential ingredient of a strong, healthy marriage. Accepting that you and your mate do the best you can, will help you be more understanding. This does not mean you condone his or her hurtful actions. You simply come to a more compassionate and realistic view of your spouse.

When you acknowledge your flaws – the things that make you human – it means that you can be vulnerable with your partner rather than allowing your fear of rejection or failure to overwhelm you.

Apologizing and practicing forgiveness are about giving yourself and your partner, the kind of future you and they deserve – unhampered by hurt and recycled anger. It is about choosing to live a life wherein others don’t have power over you and you’re not dominated by unresolved anger, bitterness, and resentment.

How to Be a Better Listener In Your Relationship

accounts@cc94.com (Conscious Commerce) — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 15:07:37 GMT

Has your partner ever complained that you’re not listening? On the flip side, have you ever felt as if they weren’t paying attention in spite of their silent nods?

Listening isn’t always as easy as it seems. And yet, learning how to listen properly can help you in every aspect of your life, including at work, among friends, and especially in your relationship. So listen carefully—here are a few tips on how to be a pro listener.

1. Be Present

You can tell when someone isn’t listening to you. Whether it’s the distant look in their eye or their impatient body language, it’s easy to know when someone’s simply waiting for you to finish speaking so that they can make their point. This is often what happens when couples argue—one person waits for the other to finish without listening.

Real listening takes place when you don’t know what you’re going to say in response. Thinking about your response sends a message in itself—one that says you’re truly listening. Step one to being a better listener is to feel comfortable not knowing what you’re going to say next and focusing on what is being said.

Another type of absent listener is the distracted listener. This is someone who has their phone or monitor in front of them or their chair turned around. A distracted listener could be facing you while thinking about their next meeting or an upcoming deadline. When having a conversation with your partner, try to get rid of all distractions and fully focus on what your partner is saying.

2. Be Empathetic

Listening is all about empathy. You are trying to put yourself in another person’s shoes, to understand their frustrations, share their joys, and accompany them through whatever emotions they’re grappling with. This also means that true listening occurs in the absence of judgement.

Just like it’s easy to tell when someone isn’t listening, it’s just as easy to tell when someone is judging you. When your focus has shifted toward judgement, you send all sorts of subtle yet telltale nonverbal cues that betray your stance, causing the person you’re speaking with to shut down. In contrast, when you enter a discussion with the goal of understanding your partner’s perspective, they’re more likely to open up to you while trusting what you have to say in response.

3. Express Interest

The best conversations don’t have a designated audience. In reality, the best listeners are active in showing their interest, whether in the form of periodic questions or gentle, constructive challenges. A two-way dialogue shows your partner that you care about what they have to say, even if you’re simply asking them to clarify what they mean.

Great listeners make the conversation a positive experience—when possible, of course. Comments that make the other person feel supported and understood in everyday conversations lay the foundation for serious discussions in which issues and differences can be openly addressed.

4. Learn to Listen With Couples Counselling

Are you having trouble getting your feelings across to your partner without igniting an argument or backing down from your own point of view? The Love of Attraction couple’s counseling sessions with registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman can help you feel heard, supported, and confident in your relationship.

Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here . Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.

Why you should limit your arguments to one at a time

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Mon, 22 Mar 2021 15:52:33 GMT

We all are terrible multitaskers. It’s difficult to keep track of more than one topic in a conversation when we’re feeling great. When the brain is under duress, it becomes under-resourced and it’s even more difficult to track multiple topics.

When you find yourself in an argument with your partner and another topic comes up, agree to table it for another time. Resolve the first issue. Take a break. Come back to the second problem when you’re both feeling better.

Now, you may be thinking: that’s easier said than done. How can I possibly ignore a major issue that's affecting me?

The answer? Communication. Let’s explore this in more detail.

What’s the best way to bring up a topic?

When you’re frustrated, it may seem best to just let it out. However, you need to remember that your partner has feelings too. They may be frustrated for their own reasons.

Here’s what I recommend.

Use “I” language when telling your partner about something that is upsetting to you. The automatic brain is constantly looking for cues of danger and will have a negative bias to what is being said. To mitigate this negative bias, start with an appreciation of your partner.

Tell your partner that you are appreciative of the time they are taking to listen to you. This will lower their defenses and help you be heard. Then proceed, with the one topic, to not overwhelm your partner.

“ I noticed I had a reaction to you walking out the door when I was talking with you. ”

Describe their behaviour as if you saw it on a video camera versus saying, “ I feel that you don’t listen to me . ”

This is too vague, non-descriptive, and doesn’t describe their behaviour. It is more like an accusation or blame sentence.

Then go on to say what you felt. Feeling words are sad, scared, and angry, for example. Many people slip up in this area because of our culture and language.

We say thoughts when we discuss our feelings. For example, you may say, “ I feel like we are not a team . ”

This is an interpretation, not a feeling statement. It may be better to say, “ I felt sad and anxious when this happened. ”

Sharing what you make up about your partner, the situation, or your relationship describes the internalized negative thoughts. We all make up stuff. We do it all the time. It is most likely a narrative that is not accurate. Telling your partner the personal narrative can clear out the inaccurate story that you made up to the cue. This is a way of opening up and being transparent.

Just own it. We all make up stuff.

Why you need to communicate solutions

It’s safe to say you want to get what you desire or request of your partner. This is important. All too often, partners tell their partner how they feel and what they made it mean and leave it to their partner to come up with the solution. In order to get what you want, you need to tell your partner in a kind, loving and clear way what you want.

If I say to my husband, I would like your support. He would probably leave me alone. That is not what I want. I want a hug because that is what support means to me. Keep it positive, and stay clear away from telling your partner what you don’t want.

It’s better to go for what you want. They will appreciate your clarity, stance and request. “ I would like you to give me a hug which will tell me that you care about me. ”

Try this out. Pick one topic and appreciate your partner for listening to you and responding to you. Bring forth a sense of respect, trust, and security by using this method. One thing at a time builds the sense of connection and keeps things manageable.

How Committed Are You: When Is It Right to Leave a Relationship?

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 18 Mar 2021 14:36:10 GMT

Relationships are never easy. There’s the good times, the bad times, and a whole range of other times.

But the toughest question to ask yourself is: when is it right to leave a relationship?

This is one of the toughest questions to ask since it often leads to more questions, such as:

Are you focusing on getting your needs met instead of what your relationship needs?
Are you stepping outside of your comfort zone and seeking attention elsewhere?
Are you focusing on the things that you don’t like versus the bigger purpose and bigger picture of your relationship?
Are you staying because of obligation and duty and staying in a difficult relationship versus looking deeper into yourselves and each other?

Relationships are complicated in nature, and require a sensible approach that focuses on the individual, the other, and the dynamics of compromise that must exist between two partners.

When it comes to leaving a relationship, it’s important to understand the main reasons why someone may leave.

1. You Feel Obligated to Stay

People are more likely to stay in relationships that they’ve already invested in. This is similar to an investment principle known as the sunk cost effect, which dictates that a prior investment will lead to ongoing investment. In the context of a relationship, prior investment can translate to time, money, or effort spent to fulfill your current partner.

Sometimes investing in a relationship isn’t enough, especially if your partner is unable or unwilling to fulfill your needs in return. Focus on the future rather than the past—ask yourself whether this relationship is worth more time, more money, or more effort.

Relationships can hit rough patches, that’s part of life. Still, you must ask yourself if this relationship can still meet your needs. If it can, compromise may be the answer.

2. You're Seeking Fulfilment From Others

Fulfilment can be emotional or physical—or both. When you’re suddenly faced with good news, such as a promotion, or bad news, like a family emergency, who’s the first person you want to talk to? Do you find yourself turning to close friends or a “work wife” or “work husband” rather than your partner?

If either you or your partner is seeking emotional or physical fulfillment from other people, it’s safe to say the relationship is over. In a healthy, fulfilling relationship, both partners should feel supported both emotionally and physically.

Do you find yourself seeking attention at work, looking for a “work spouse?” This isn’t uncommon and may indicate that your needs aren’t being met.

3. You Don't Have the Same Connection With Your Partner

Human beings are complicated. You can love someone you may not be compatible with. But being in a relationship with someone you don’t connect with makes it more difficult to stay together over the long-term.

While all couples have disagreements, people in compassionate, loving, and healthy relationships feel, fundamentally, as if they’re friends with the person they’re trying to work things out with. If you don’t like your partner, getting through things becomes nearly impossible.

Are you too focused on what you don’t like and losing sight of the bigger picture of the relationship itself?

4. Your Needs Aren’t Being Met

Your needs are important. Whether those needs involve quality time, open communication, or equal division of household responsibilities, being in a healthy and loving relationship means listening to your partner and trying harder to fulfill their needs.

When one partner feels as if their needs aren’t being met, and communicating those needs is met with resistance or indifference, it might be time to move on.

Do you find yourself staying without looking deeper into yourself and your partner? Relationships require two people, and communication plays an essential role when it comes to clarity and understanding.

Take Steps Toward a Happier and Healthier Relationship

Are you finding it difficult to work through difficult times with your partner? Learn to foster open communication, responsiveness, and empathy with The Love of Attraction couple's counselling sessions. Work alongside registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman to reintroduce compassion into your relationship.

Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here . Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.

The Power of LOVE

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 11 Feb 2021 14:17:39 GMT

Love is in the air. With Valentine's Day right around the corner, of course love is on everyone's mind. While this upcoming holiday tends to lean more on the romantic side, showing love isn't only for couples.

"I love you." Those three words hold great power. Whether you are saying them to your partner, child, parent, friend, or even pet, did you know showing love can give you a health boost?

There is a proven link between health and affection, especially when it comes to stress (and who hasn't been stressed this past year). Stress can be exceptionally taxing on your body: from disrupted sleep, to heart palpations, to weakening of the immune system, or irritation of the digestive system...but how does love combat that?

"[Love is] linked to the production of high doses of oxytocin – the ‘feel-good’ hormone, which regulates the production of cortisol. Oxytocin is like a magic potion and we’re only slightly exaggerating: oxytocin is linked to decreased cell death and inflammation, while at the same time increasing immunity and heart performance."

- Love Is All You Need: 3 Ways Love Can Improve Your Health, 2018

So, something as simple as slowing down and saying "I love you," giving a hug, or even giving someone a call to let them know you care not only makes them (and you) feel better but can positively affect an individual from the inside out!

We believe in the power of love: how it can change a bad day into a good one or help turn a good relationship into a great one. Therefore, we implore you to seek ways to make the important people in your life feel loved. It's good for the heart.

How to Celebrate Valentine's Day the Right Way

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 11 Feb 2021 14:08:22 GMT

Despite being the celebration of love and affection, Valentine’s Day can be one of the most stressful holidays of the year for couples everywhere.

The romantic occasion can introduce a number of unpleasant feelings. For example, you might feel anxious about meeting your partner’s expectations, who, in turn, may be comparing themselves negatively to other couples.

Many people find themselves battling feelings of unworthiness, anxiety, and resentment related to how their partner treats them this February the 14th.

While celebrating your relationship is an ongoing process that can’t be compressed into one day, here are a few tips on how to make this Valentine’s Day truly romantic, fulfilling, and enjoyable for both you and your partner.

1. Stay Focused

Much of the stress related to February the 14th has to do with the days and weeks leading up to it, in the form of planning and arrangements. For example, you might be hyper-focused on securing a dinner reservation at your favourite restaurant on one of the busiest nights of the year. After all, a perfect night means checking every box, right?

The busywork of planning the perfect date night can distract you from what really matters. Try asking yourself what you think would really make your partner happy. What will bring you closer as a couple?

2. Try a Surprise

Over the years, I’ve learned that many couples enjoy a surprise on Valentine’s Day. The trick is to make the surprise a meaningful one. For example, if your partner enjoys the outdoors, try visiting a park you’ve never been to before. If your partner loves ice cream, take them to the new ice cream shop that opened up last month.

Accepting the responsibility to coordinate a self-sacrificing surprise activity is one of the easiest and cheapest ways to show your partner you appreciate and care for them.

3. Go Out

A romantic night out doesn't have to include months of planning. Keep things simple and romantic with a change in your day-to-day routine. While going out doesn’t have to mean spending the entire day outside, taking a walk or grabbing dinner is a great way to spend quality time in each other’s company.

Many people celebrate Valentine’s Day before or after February the 14th for lower costs, lighter crowds, or less hectic work schedules. Celebrating earlier or later than the 14th is perfectly fine as long as you communicate with your partner beforehand to make sure they don’t feel disappointed. It’s also a good idea to do something small on the 14th, such as a card or a note.

Find Your Way Back to Romance With Couple's Counsellor Kathleen Maiman

Exercising patience, kindness, passion, and romance doesn’t have to be limited to holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. Learn to express love on a daily basis with The Love of Attraction couple's counselling sessions. Work alongside registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman to reintroduce compassion into your relationship.

Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here . Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.

All People are Difficult and Annoying

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 28 Jan 2021 14:50:22 GMT

As a couple’s therapist, I know how difficult people can be. Actually, as a person on this planet and a romantic partner to my husband Robert, I count myself as one of those difficult people. Indeed, in no way do I put myself above any of the other annoying people out there. Yet here I am, writing about how to be less of a pain. Well, while I know I can be difficult, I know how not to be too difficult. And the line between them is actually clearer than you might think. Here’s how not to cross it.

When I work with couples, our goal is for them to become secure functioning. Secure functioning partners are least difficult with and toward each other. That’s because they understand their purpose: To ensure each other’s absolute, unequivocal sense of safety and security. Partners are equal stakeholders in this endeavor, therefore, they agree to make life easier for each other, not harder. That’s one of the main principles of secure functioning relationships.

Oh, wait, you think you’re not difficult? Let me tell you, you are. Here’s why:

1. Your brain.

Though a very impressive organ, your brain is prone to lots of errors, especially in social situations. For example,

Your brain all too often combines social cues (faces, voices, movements, postures, words, and phrases) with real danger.
Your brain is mostly automatic, memory-based, and therefore confuses current events with previous experience via a lightning fast memory and recognition system.
Your brain constantly replaces missing evidence with made up “facts.”
Your brain imagines things that are not there.

2. Your biology.

Your development plays a considerable role in how difficult you are. Your biology affects your ability to:

Manage your impulses.
Tolerate frustration.
Shift your attention at will.
Manage your state of arousal.
Socially-emotionally act and react appropriately under stress.
Make decisions.
Override what feels good for what does good.
Remain self-aware in real time.

3. Nature.

You are genetically predisposed as a homo sapien to be aggressive, self-interested, and prone to dislike people who are “too familiar to ignore, but too different to tolerate.”

4. Nurture.

Your experiences and memories shape who you become. If you experienced any trauma, especially in early childhood that remains unresolved, you are likely to be hyper-reactive to threat cues, both internally and externally.

This is not an exhaustive list. The ways to be difficult are limitless. However, that you and I are difficult is not a problem. It’s when we cross the line and become too difficult, that is the problem.

How does focusing on secure functioning help?

Secure functioning partners co-create their own kind of social contract which protects them from each other. These are “golden rules” in that they are, if agreed upon, undisputable and therefore help partners rein in difficult behavior.

One golden rule could be, “We protect each other in public.” Here is a personal example. Robert and I both had agreed to this principle. We know that it serves both our personal and mutual good. In this example below, I am teaching at a Couples Weekend Retreat. Robert walks into the room and my reaction is as follows.

Kathleen : [to Robert in front of the group as he walks into the room] Hello… (fill in the blank).

Robert : [puts his head down in embarrassment]

[Crowd laughs and mocks what was said to Robert…Hello…(fill in the blank).

Kathleen : What? [laughing and smiling with the group) It’s cute, (raising her shoulders and hands in a disdainful, questioning manner]

Robert [quietly moves close to her ear]. Remember what I told you earlier. Don’t call me that out loud in front of people.

Kathleen : [out loud] Oh come on. It’s cute. I’m so proud of you.

At this point, I have stepped over the line and have become too difficult. I explicitly embarrassed Robert in public reflexively shouting my pet name for him to the group. This reflexive comment that he told me explicitly not to say in public, breaks an agreed upon principle. However, that I continued to violate the principle when reminded by Robert – that is what defines being too difficult. It also shifts Robert’s experience of me from annoying to threatening.

Here’s how the repair went:

Robert : [in our private hotel room] I really wish you wouldn’t share your pet name for me in front of the whole group. I felt really embarrassed. .

Kathleen : [covering my mouth in horror turns to Robert] I’m so sorry. I forgot. I’m so sorry, really I am. I betrayed you by being so enthusiastic in front of the group with my love and pet name for you. I am so very sorry I did that.

Robert : I know you are and I forgive you. I know you get really love-enamoured at the couples weekend and were excited to see me when I came in the room. Just please keep our pet names to ourselves.

Kathleen : I love you, it won’t happen again.

Now this is an example of repair and recognition of being difficult.

Other examples of being too difficult include:

Persistently not releasing your partner after a satisfactory repair.
Not being willing to bargain with your partner.
When bargaining, not providing alternatives following the word “no.”
Being unwilling to admit your wrongs and make amends.
Being unwilling to see your partner’s point of view.
Not being curious.
Persistently stubborn.
Persistently inflexible.
Persistently conflict avoidant.
Continually failing to check with your partner when discussing them in public.
Continually disregarding your partner when together in public.
Persistently (and unapologetically) failing to keep your word.
Persistently talking too much.
Persistently talking too little.

Again, this is by no means a definitive list. But notice the wording in here. It’s not about reflexively doing something that makes you difficult for your partner. It’s about the refusal to stop when cued that makes you too difficult. It’s also about the refusal to repair the hurt and makes things right.

We are all fundamentally automatic creatures – all day, every day. Our brain cannot possibly remember the countless changes in behavior our partners require under various circumstances. That’s why telling your partner to never again embarrass you in public, while understandable, can never work. Your partner will do something again and likely without any malicious intent. It will be far more effective to remind your partner just before entering a public situation. “When we go in, please don’t make any jokes at my cost, okay?” If your partner is not too difficult, they will comply. If they don’t, well, now you have a problem. If they slip (which should not happen), and remain unapologetic, it’s likely time to move on.

Because we are all mostly automatic, we shouldn’t be faulted for many of the knee-jerk behaviors we do without thought and, at times, without intention. We are, however, responsible for what we do after we do something stupid, thoughtless, or insensitive. We are all difficult in one way or another. The challenge for secure functioning couples is in not crossing the line to becoming too difficult.

3 Ways to Respect Your Partner

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Tue, 26 Jan 2021 18:17:49 GMT

It takes more than just love to build and maintain a happy, healthy relationship. True partnership forms on a foundation of mutual respect—which isn’t possible if one partner feels less valued than the other.

It’s easy enough to say that you respect your partner, but what does respect actually mean in a relationship? Are you acting in ways that show not just that you care about your partner but that you view them as an equal in every sense of the word?

Rooting your relationship in love, compassion, and respect is the best way to make sure both you and your partner feel secure and fulfilled in each other. But that’s easier said than done. Here are a few tips on how to show respect to your partner.

1. Listen Attentively

We all need to be heard. If you feel like your partner is consistently paying more attention to their phone or their own thoughts rather than listening to what you have to say, that’s a sign they don’t respect you enough to give you their full attention, especially when you really need it.

The easiest way to show your partner you respect them is to listen attentively and actively to their needs, concerns, or desires.

2. Communicate Mindfully

Open and honest communication is an important part of any healthy relationship. But communicating your needs isn’t as easy as it sounds and requires you to first be open and honest with yourself.

Never expect your partner to be able to read your mind. At the same time, make sure to communicate without accusing. This can make your partner feel as if they need to defend themselves, obstructing any constructive dialogue. Try using “I” statements, such as, “I feel underappreciated when you cancel our plans last minute.”

All couples have disagreements. The key to a happy, healthy relationship is to communicate the right way during an argument. This means being respectful of each other’s emotions, which are both valid. Never give your partner the silent treatment—this is a manipulation tactic meant to keep your partner in suspense.

3. Love Your Differences

Respect between romantic partners doesn’t translate to control or subjugation. Refusing to follow demands isn’t a sign of disrespect. True respect is synonymous with compassion, understanding, and the recognition that your partner is a different person with a different perspective than your own.

Finding a romantic partner is like acquiring a second set of eyes. Openly exploring and embracing your differences, whether in hobbies or in opinions, is a great way to show your partner that you respect them and love them for who they are.

Reintroduce Respect and Compassion Into Your Relationship

The happiest and healthiest relationships will have moments where someone feels disrespected—but that doesn’t have to be the end.

Learn to foster open and honest communication based in compassion with The Love of Attraction couple's counselling sessions. Work alongside registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman toward a healthier, happier, and more fulfilling relationship.

Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here . Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.

Security at Home and in the World this Holiday Season

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 14:26:09 GMT

When I witness a couple move from fear and blame into trust and genuine care, I am inspired to feel hope for humanity. Protecting our loved ones and providing real relief to each other are qualities our entire world needs right now. And this starts in romantic partnerships. The primary relationships within our own homes are powerful resources that can provide needed comfort and safety in a difficult, uncertain, and challenging world.

A couple who willingly embark on improving the security in their relationship will learn how much is possible when they have truly cultivated a secure-functioning relationship. They work in the present moment to discover who each of them is as an individual; practice new ways of being in relationship that may feel vulnerable, strengthening their connection; and challenge themselves to do the work of creating a mutual, safe, and just two-person system. They will not want to revert to anything less than this once they have experienced how impactful and necessary a secure intimate relationship is.

But what about couples who struggle to get on board with the work of building a secure-functioning relationship? I may know how important security is for the long-term health of the individuals and the relationship, but my clients often don’t. They come in for help, but are ambivalent about therapy, as well as about their relationship. Instead of participating collaboratively in therapy, they may repeatedly act out their ambivalence, despair, frustration, anger, and other unconscious feelings and agendas. They try to make therapy, or the therapist, the problem. Our sessions can feel like one step forward, two steps back.

Staying on the course with couples in therapy is the challenge. Reminding couples of this stance, that they picked each other, they are in each other’s care and helping them to take a stand for the betterment of their relationship. Making one another a priority and creating agreements that cultivate and demonstrate mutuality.

To grow in security, a couple must also grow in complexity. They have to expand their awareness of themselves and each other, and learn to be a two-person system. They need to face the learned behaviors and beliefs about relationship that they brought forth that is now sabotaging their long term security. Not only do primary relationships benefit greatly from this work, but our entire world benefits from having mature adults who can respond well to each other.

May you create a safe haven with your beloved this holiday season, making this world an easier and more secure place for all.

12 Ways to Fall in Love all Over Again - Turning Towards Your Partner

accounts@cc94.com (Conscious Commerce) — Thu, 17 Dec 2020 14:29:35 GMT

Take a walk hand in hand.
Send flirty texts to each other throughout the day.
Listen to understand.
Pay attention to your partner more than you pay attention to your phone and/or TV.
Reminisce about your favourite memories together.
Share a six-second kiss, often.
Focus on the positive qualities of each other by writing them down and posting them around the house or sending them via text throughout the week
Show appreciation by saying "Thank you" and "I appreciate all you do".
Dream together. Create a dream board where you jot down your goals or things you want to do as a couple
Express the positive qualities you see in each other for 60 seconds or more
Brainstorm a list of shared interests and start a new hobby together
Say "I love you".

4 Tips on How to Follow Through on Relationship Advice

accounts@cc94.com (Conscious Commerce) — Thu, 19 Nov 2020 18:46:33 GMT

Smart and actionable relationship advice is easy to come by. But while understanding what makes our partner happy is easy, following through isn’t always easy.

Here are a few tips on how to take action and move toward a happier and healthier relationship.

1. Shift Your Perspective

Everything worth pursuing in life—success, wisdom, a healthy body, a strong family—requires time, effort, and intention. A relationship is no different. Maintaining a happy and healthy relationship doesn’t happen mindlessly—it’s a lifelong commitment.

It isn’t normal for a relationship to become boring or strained. That happens when couples rely on their relationships to work rather than making it work. Shifting your perspective means viewing your relationship as a work in progress. When you’re intentional about making your relationship better, you integrate that intention into your daily life.

So—what have you done in the past week to become the best version of yourself for your partner?

2. Keep Getting to Know Your Partner

Following relationship advice can be challenging when we don’t connect with any underlying values. For example, “I’m doing the dishes because she wants me to” isn’t as motivating as, “I’m doing the dishes because I’m a kind and thoughtful partner.”

One of the best ways to identify core values—and to keep from settling into complacency—is to stay curious about your partner. Learn more about your partner every day that you’re with them. How do they like to be shown love? What do they think defines a happy relationship?

3. Pick a Starting Point

Start small. Tearing apart every aspect of your relationship isn’t productive. Sit down with your partner and talk about what makes both of you happy as a couple. What keeps you together? What brought you together in the first place?

For example, do you share a love of fitness and the outdoors? Make the effort to incorporate a hike, a gym session, or a road trip into your schedule. Do you share the same sense of humour? Reserve Friday night as game night, or watch a comedy special together.

4. Establish Mental Triggers

One of the simplest roadblocks to improving your relationship is simply remembering. That’s where mental triggers can save the day. Mental triggers are cues that remind your brain to do something. “If-then” contingencies are particularly helpful.

For example, you can remind yourself that if you need to plug in your phone to charge it, then you’ll check if your partner’s phone is plugged in. Another example is if you’re working and your partner comes home, then you’ll stop what you’re doing and greet them with a hug and a kiss.

Take Steps Toward a Happier and Healthier Relationship

Not sure where to start? Learn how to reappraise conflict, build structure and accountability, and renew a sense of gratitude toward your partner with The Love of Attraction couple's counselling sessions. Work alongside registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman to reintroduce compassion into your relationship.

Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here . Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.

A Practice Of Letting Go

Thu, 29 Oct 2020 13:45:19 GMT

The meditation begins with simply being aware of your body and the tension you may be holding onto physically. Be aware of your straight spine and your deep inner strength that holds you upright.

Let your mind travel up your body from your feet toward your head. Pausing to let go of tension where you feel it and especially in the areas of your hips, belly, heart, throat, shoulders and forehead.

When you have let go of this physical tension in your skeleton and muscles. Notice that inner rod (straight spine) of strength that holds you upright as your body is relaxed and at ease.

From this state of ease ask yourself the question “What can I let go of right now?” Pause and listen to what comes up without judgement.

Ask again “What do I need to let go of in this moment?”

Go further by asking “and what else?”

Listen and feel the clues your body gives you:

Feel into an area of old injury – are you willing to let go of protecting this area?
Notice your belly – are you willing to let go of eating habits and patterns that are not serving you?
In the heart area – are you willing to let go of past hurts done to you or by you?
Connect with the area around your throat – are you willing to let go of the restrictions and beliefs that are holding you back from sharing your message?

Everything that you let go of served you in the past. Collectively gather them in your hands, thank them and release them with love and compassion.

Notice again the feeling in your body of lightness, ease and rest. Trust that you can keep this feeling of ease as you go about your day.

Bring your hands to your heart, honouring yourself and take one last deep breath in and release it as you “let go”.

From Zen teacher - Dr. Christian Perez

Social Media and Divorce: Why Quitting Social Media May Be Necessary

Thu, 22 Oct 2020 16:06:14 GMT

We all know how dangerous social media can be today, both for our mental and physical wellbeing.

But how bad is it really? And is taking a break (or detoxing) really that important?

I wanted to share this story with you because it’s one that resonates with anyone going through a divorce.

A Short Essay on Social Media and Divorce

In the midst of my divorce, I made the decision to quit all social media as an act of self love. I deleted my accounts and apps off my phone. As a millenial ingrained in this online world, it came as quite a challenge, but when a stressful situation arises one starts to ask, what is helping me in this situation and what is not?

I was already drowning in judgement, shame and comparison and I was finding social media starting to have a negative effect on my mental health. At this time I found it would only cause me more suffering for the pain I was in. I did what was best for the higher good of all, protecting myself, my children, and my then husband.

During this year, I made personal growth at my full time job, alongside tending to my newborn and preschooler. The time I would have been wasting on social media was being used to gain wisdom and strength through reading, meditation, podcasts, and therapy sessions.

My world at the time was a shade of grey and the thought of colourful images of happy families, celebrations, and milestones only triggered more pain. I felt the innate desire to live those perfect, happy lives.

I also thought how could I post about being a happy family of four when everything around me was falling apart. It would be inauthentic of me to show that things were fine when they were not. I didn’t have the energy to put up a facade, nor did I want to.

Research shows that it only takes 30 days to change a habit. I found that to be true for me. After a month, I became used to this change.

I began to feel freer. I wasn’t tied to my phone, in fact, I was hardly on it.

I started filling my days with inspiration from thoughtful writers, philosophers, and spiritual leaders.

I began a gratitude journal and practising mediation.

I grew in my faith and in closeness to God.

I started to become more aware of my surroundings. I was present. I was available. I was evolving.

I thought I was staying connected by being on social media, but as time passed in the offline world, I started to feel more connected than I ever have. Connected to myself, my higher self, and my internal world. At the same time, connecting to my external world in an authentic way.

I was more available to my daughters. Available to experience joy, gratitude, and love in real-time. Not by capturing it in a photo or video to share with friends. I felt those moments deeply in my soul.

I felt free of judgment and comparison as a mother. I didn’t feel this heavy pressure of trying to keep up with other moms, who I thought were doing it better than me. Who’s kids looked more put together then mine.

I was able to release the wound of perfectionism carried from childhood. Letting my oldest daughter come into her own creative being. Rather than presenting her as photoshoot-ready everyday.

Connections with strangers came frequently. At shops, cafes, and restaurants. Rather than sitting with my head down on my phone, I was engaging in new conversations with people. Real people.

I began to notice and become aware of how many of us are stuck in this head down posture. Obsessing over what filter to use or heading down a rabbit hole of this addictive selfie generated society.

One of the biggest realizations I had as I look back on my experience is that I could have used social media to distract, avoid, or cover up the pain I was in. But I didn’t. And I am so grateful for

that.

The longer you avoid pain, the longer it takes to heal. I know that part of where I am at a year later on this journey is credited to stepping back from this online society social club.

My mental health thanks me. My daughters thank me. My evolved self thanks me.

I don’t think the personal growth I have achieved over this past year could have been accomplished while being on social media. The departure created the space I needed to learn and grow to this magnitude.

Social media has the potential to be such a positive influence, when it becomes more vulnerable. When you start to be mindful of who you follow and what content you allow in.

When you start to be more mindful of the content you post and ask yourself what kind of impact do I want to make?

When you start to ask yourself—is this making me feel good or not? Am I seeking validation, worthiness, or acceptance? Am I judging another? For when you judge another, you are in turn judging yourself and causing yourself harm.

I found that the false validation I received from it was stripping away my true sense of self. I would start to ask myself, does it make it more valid if I share this with others? Or am I doing this for myself?

During this year, life showed me the perfect example of seeking external validation, as part of my personal growth, was training for a triathlon. I had set no expectations for myself, I just wanted to finish.

Race day came and I powered through. As I came to cross the finish line, I was looking for my parents and daughters, but they weren’t there. It turns out, I had far exceeded everyone's expectations.

I finished with a pretty good time. They weren’t there yet because they weren’t expecting me to finish that quickly. I had no one to witness my accomplishment. I had no external validation. No instagram moment. As I stood there trying to catch my breath, there was no disappointment that surfaced. All I felt was overwhelming joy. I was doing this for myself, so it makes perfect sense that it was just me, when I crossed that finish line. What I felt from accomplishing this major feat far exceeded any external validation, I had experienced in the past.

Maybe we should shift our thinking. Change our posture. Maybe we should share more struggles. Less beauty shots. More defeats, less triumphs. Devote time to be in stillness, in learning, and in authentic connection. And get our validation from within ourselves.

I challenge you.

Instead of checking your phone first thing when you wake up, take that 15 minutes to meditate, pray, or write in a gratitude journal and become a witness to the magnificent changes that will start to unfold.

Remember it only takes 30 days to change a habit.

Written by Andrea Merkl

3 Tips for Overcoming Insecurities in a Relationship

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Wed, 21 Oct 2020 14:05:21 GMT

We all feel insecure from time to time. Chronic insecurity, however, can stifle a relationship, robbing you of peace and preventing you from engaging with your partner as your true, authentic self.

Don’t let insecurities affect your relationship. Understanding how to manage strong yet misleading emotions can significantly impact the way you interact with your partner.

Here are a few things you should be aware of when it comes to insecurity and your relationship.

What Does Insecurity in a Relationship Feel Like?

Insecurities usually stem from a deep sense of inadequacy. We may believe that we are flawed, unattractive, or undeserving of love. Many of us experience a harsh inner critic, a form of negative self-talk that fills our minds with critical or suspicious chatter.

Insecurity in an intimate relationship can take on many forms. Ask yourself the following questions:

Do you feel that you don’t have enough to offer in the relationship?
Are you constantly worried that your partner will leave you?
Do you find yourself seeking reassurance, only it’s never enough?
Do you cycle between feelings of doubt, anxiety, and anger?
Do you suffer from jealous feelings that lead to obsessive thoughts and actions, such as questioning your partner’s whereabouts or invading their privacy?

Insecure feelings tend to intensify when we’re in a relationship with someone we can’t stand to lose. These unrelenting anxieties can trigger uncomfortable and even painful feelings that, if left unchecked, can warp the way we feel about ourselves, our partner, and the world around us.

How Do I Stop Being So Insecure?

1. Create a List of Your Strengths

Research tells us that individuals with relationship insecurities are more likely to have lower self-esteem. Take the time to remind yourself of what you bring to the table in your relationship by creating a list of your greatest strengths, whether you’re an excellent cook or a thoughtful, supportive partner.

2. Focus on Yourself

A healthy relationship requires balance. Nurture your sense of independence and self-identity by reconnecting with your sense of self outside of your relationship. Make time for your own interests, hobbies, and self-improvement goals. Feeling secure in yourself is better for you and your relationship.

3. Communicate Openly and Honestly

Open and honest communication lays the foundation for any healthy relationship. Trusting your partner, and earning their trust, means listening without springing to your own defense or rushing to judgement.

Make sure to keep in mind that an open line of communication doesn’t mean unleashing your insecurities onto your partner. Stay compassionate for one another and respect each other’s boundaries.

Stop Insecurities From Damaging Your Relationship

Are you struggling with feelings of low self-worth that are affecting your relationship? Learn how to disconnect from unhealthy, intrusive thoughts with The Love of Attraction couple's counselling sessions.

Work alongside registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman toward a healthy relationship where you and your partner can feel secure and loved.

Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here . Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.

5 Tips to Keep Your Relationship Healthy During the COVID-19 Pandemic

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 13:13:13 GMT

Maintaining harmony in the home during the COVID-19 pandemic isn’t easy. While we often hear experts describe the importance of social distancing, mask-wearing, and hand sanitizing, we don’t receive nearly as much insight on how to balance our relationships during these stressful and unprecedented times.

Living through a pandemic isn’t easy. While you and your partner may find yourselves at home all day every day, self-isolation is no vacation.

Here are a few words of advice on how to maintain compassion for your partner and ease any simmering tensions.

1. Limit Your Workdays

Work from home is the new norm. But working from home comes with its own set of challenges. One of the most important tasks on your to-do list should be to set boundaries between work hours and time spent with your partner and family.

While these distinctions may seem arbitrary, sticking to a work schedule keeps work-related anxieties low and prevents you or your partner from feeling neglected.

2. Plan Something Fun

While your pre-pandemic vacation plans were likely scrapped in early April, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plan a special event in its place. On the contrary, you deserve a break from all the stresses and anxieties of the past few months.

A special event can be something as small as your favourite home-cooked meal, a long drive, or a movie night. The goal is to create an event that both of you will look forward to and enjoy.

3. Expand Your Support System

Maintaining your support network is essential during lockdown and beyond. While it may seem natural to rely on your partner as your only source of support, this becomes increasingly strenuous over time.

Staying connected with family and friends is easier than ever if you have an internet connection. Don’t lose touch—schedule regular meetings with your loved ones to check in.

4. Enjoy the Outdoors

Maintaining an active lifestyle can be beneficial to both your physical and mental health. One of the best ways to reduce stress and bond with your partner is to spend time outdoors. If you’re not used to exercising together, spending time outdoors can become a healthy habit.

While hitting the gym or taking a yoga class is no longer an option, going for a walk or a bike ride is an excellent alternative to spend time with your partner and stay healthy.

5. Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help

The pandemic won’t last forever, but keeping your relationship healthy and productive is an ongoing commitment. Are you having trouble receiving the emotional support you need from your partner? Reaching out to a mental health professional can provide the outlet your relationship craves.

The Love of Attraction couple's counselling sessions with registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman can help you bring compassion back into your relationship.

Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here . Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.

We don’t see who we are loving, we see through our “projection or movie”. This is what hurts relationships.

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 24 Sep 2020 16:35:30 GMT

In a love relationship, we increasingly take short cuts to understanding. We see reality through the lens of our narrative. This is the power of projection. In our long-term relationships, these projections can thicken until the partner increasingly resembles our early attachment figures.

We can think about the deepening of the projective field as a movie in which we cast our partner in the main role, opposite to us. Through continuous projection, due in part to the brain’s need to conserve energy and to the impact of traumatic and disorganizing experiences, the perception of the partner can be increasingly distorted according to the underlying templates of personal lives and history.

Misunderstood in Starring Roles

The correlation between our early attachment patterns and our adult attachment patterns is extraordinarily high. Internal models developed during childhood endure into adult life and are activated most strongly in our romantic relationships.

We have now arrived in our mutual movie theaters, where our childhood dramas, unprocessed tragedies, disappointing, dangerous, and mis-attuned early relationships are acted out with our partners in the starring role.

The insecure angry-anxious partner might go on emotional roller coasters that create a whiplash in the avoidant partner. The insecure avoidant can disappear from the relationship in flight, tighten survival restrictions, and leave the partner abandoned and desperate.

As these movies run, we feel deeply misunderstood, powerless, hopeless, or full of resentment. We want to give up and get out – our systems overcome by cortisol and our heart rate intensifying, our pre-frontal cortex hijacked, and our amygdala (the attachment alarm) on orange or red alert.

The amygdala, where we store threatening and highly emotional experiences, activates. We scan for threat, for angry faces. Our ability to access higher cortical areas diminishes. The movie may star our partner as an intrusive mother or angry and abusive father. We are partially blind, unable to process details.

The other is the negative parent. The capacity for whole object processing is inaccessible as partners enter a part object world. Words are grenades. Withdrawal is punitive. Both are locked in their respective one-person systems, unable to re-engage in any pro-social activities and two massive defensive systems are face to face. Two armies are deployed and ready to strike or run.

The movie is running, and the director and producer have left the room along with the supporting cast. Actually, two movies are running simultaneously which interlock, amplify, and disorganize each other.

Breaking “Bad” Projections

To shift partners out of this seemingly unresolvable brinksmanship, I might ask:

“ Each of you makes complete sense. Your attitude and behavior are built on experience. You are not psychotic. The only problem is that this can also true for your partner. What are you going to do? Both of you have deeply emotional experiences and both of you want to be understood. We might have to slow it down. Who of you will start listening? ”

We can understand the projection process as a part-object projection, in which one partner sees the other only in his or her bad and evil aspects, unable to hold the bigger picture. The partner becomes, in this moment, the attacking rageful father or the mother who disappears in depression or alcohol and drops the child repeatedly.

The partner is now the threatening activated ghost. The work to be done in the session can be understood as the moving of one or both partners toward a whole object projection, in which the other is like the threatening figure.

In this emotional-psychological work, one cannot move forward because the defense has become so primitive and rigid, activating everything against the exploration of feelings. Instead of being able to collaborate in the therapy, one or the other partner may act out their defense and abandon, at least temporarily, the therapeutic process, never resolving the issues.

Emerging from the Projection Field

In our work, we do not regard the projection or activation of earlier templates as pathological. We are aware that their appearance cannot be avoided; these are inevitable and essential dynamics in our adult relationships. We see the emergence of patterns of strong feelings and defenses as opportunities to rework one’s past and grow toward a healthier and more vital self. Both partners are invaluable for each other in this difficult but rewarding life-long process.

A highly dysregulated couple often requires several rounds of commenting or regulating for the part-object projection to break. We might finally see the partners gradually soften as

breathing becomes slower, more regular,
tensions in the belly, neck, or face diminish, and
a warmer gaze or relaxation of the hands appears.

With increased self-regulation, the reality of the partner in the here and now can come back into focus.

As Imago therapists, we facilitate the process of unwinding the movie dialogue and redirecting each to explore the other’s face. In this process, the adult partner, the one you are loving can emerge from the projective field. Through the ensuing integration process, both can begin to make connections between the imaginary partner that appeared in their movie and the partner sitting in the room with them.

Partners can weave past experiences into a new understanding of self and other. A new narrative of one’s own life, but also that of their partner, can develop. Additionally, they can see both narratives in the light of their shared backgrounds and unprocessed materials.

Now a new joined narrative can emerge. A new movie can be written and produced in the coming weeks and months. The actors can also sit in the director’s seat and determine more intentionally which plot, which action, and which genre their lives can play out.

The Misunderstood Male

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 27 Aug 2020 14:34:30 GMT

Take this simple true or false quiz to see how savvy you are about men.

Questions and answers are based upon gender research and developmental studies.

True or False

__1. Men understand women better than women understand men.

__2. Women talk more than men.

__3. Men need more touching than women.

__4. Men hate to talk.

__5. Men aren’t as in touch with their feelings as women.

__6. Relationships aren’t as important to men as they are to women.

__7. Work is the most important thing in a man’s life.

__8. Men think about sex more than women do.

__9. Men are more aggressive than women.

__10. A man’s greatest vulnerability is money.

__11. You connect to a man the same way you connect to a woman.

__12. A man’s favorite words are “Honey, we need to talk.”

KEY

1. Men understand women better than women understand men.

TRUE

Long ago men accepted the fact that there is no way they are ever going to understand women. They understand that they don’t understand them. Women, however, still believe that they understand men—and they don’t. Women tend to believe if a man were (1) more mature; (2) mentally healthy; and/or (3) in touch with reality—then he’d be more like a woman. Expecting a man to be like a woman is the first step to misunderstanding men.

2. Women talk more than men.

FALSE

The earlier studies that indicated that women talk more than men (e.g. one showed that men use 7,000 words a day and women use 20,000) have now been overturned and invalidated. Men talk just as much as women—when they feel connected. Connection is the key.

3. Men need more touching than women.

YES, YEP, AFFIRMATIVE, CONFIRMED.

When two people touch oxytocin is released. This is the bonding chemical that makes you feel close and want to snuggle. Oxytocin is also an amnesic, i.e. it makes you forget the bad times and disappointments. Estrogen enhances the effects of oxytocin and testosterone offsets the effects of oxytocin. Because the average man has more testosterone than the average women, they need more touching to feel close and bonded. Most men are “touch deprived.” Many women miss this important fact and fail to take advantage of an easy way to get closer to a man.

4. Men hate to talk.

FALSE.

Men don’t hate to talk it’s just that they don’t get high from it like women do. If you look at the brain activity of a woman when she is talking, the pleasure and reward center is lit up like a Texas football field—they get off on it! It’s not that way with men. For eons women have used bonding and staying in communication as a primary coping mechanism, even more than the traditional strategies of fight or flight. Because of the survival value of talking, she is reinforced with feelings of pleasure and reward. A smart man knows one way to a woman’s heart is through conversation. A smart woman knows connect first; talk second.

5. Men aren’t as in touch with their feelings as women.

FALSE

In fact, there is evidence that men feel as deeply, even more deeply, than women. They do tend to use fewer emotional words than women which can lead women to wrongly believe that a man isn’t in touch with his feelings. To accuse a man of being insensitive and unfeeling is not only wrong—it’s rude.

6. Relationships aren’t as important to men as they are to women.

SO VERY FALSE

This is well beyond the truth. If you look at research, when a man gets divorced or loses his mate: depression goes up; drinking goes up; suicide goes up; unemployment goes up; his salary goes down; his health goes down. Relationships are vital to men in every way!

7. Work is the most important thing in a man’s life.

FALSE

While it is true that a man (as well as society) judges a man by his ability to provide via work, a man will tell you that work has meaning because of the important people in his life. A woman may argue, “Well, he would go to work if I weren’t in his life!” And she would be right—but it wouldn’t have the same meaning. The woman in his life gives his life meaning over and above everything else. If you can get this one fact firmly anchored in your psyche, you will be one giant step toward understanding men.

8. Men think about sex more than women do.

TRUE

All embryo are female until the 8 ^th week of gestation when a flood of testosterone turns females into males. The primary result of this hormone bath is killing off of brain cells in the emotional language center and increasing brain cells in the sex and aggression center. So, yes, men do think about sex more than women, but this only applies to about 2/3 of men; the other 1/3 are more sensitive and emotional and need intimacy and relationship contact to think about sex, much like 2/3 of women.

9. Men are more aggressive than women.

FALSE

If you factor in female ways of aggression, i.e. words and relationships, women are just as aggressive as men; in fact, there is some evidence that women are more aggressive than men.

10. A man’s greatest vulnerability is fear of control.

FALSE

Men are far more susceptible to shame than to fear. The greatest vulnerability of a man is appearing weak, inadequate or failing at being a protector, provider, parent and/or lover. Generally speaking, women do not understand how important it is to a man to please his partner as well as the people he loves. This is why a loved one’s unhappiness and/or criticism have such a devastating effect on a man.

11. You connect to a man the same way you connect to a woman.

FALSE

Women connect more through talking; men connect more through touching. If you want a man to talk, connect with him first. Women talk to connect; men have to connect to talk. Touch him; affirm him; ask for his help (“Honey, would you just listen to me for a couple minutes while I figure something out?”) Men love to help, they love to please; they also need and want connection.

12. A man’s favorite words are “Honey, we need to talk.”

FALSE

However, it could be if most of your conversations went something like this: “Honey, do you realize how much I love and appreciate you? I realize I don’t always say it, but you make me so happy in so many ways. I just don’t tell you this enough. That’s all I needed you to hear. Thanks for listening!”

Scoring

10-12 correct answers - The men in your life have just voted you woman of the year!

6-9 correct answers - Adjusting your perceptions for gender uniqueness is going to make your life 100% easier!

5 or less - Now you know why it’s been so difficult; understand him and you’ll be surprised at how quickly he’ll appreciate you!

To improve your score—and your male savvy, read HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny

Fighting With Your Partner: How to Do It Right

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Wed, 26 Aug 2020 17:08:32 GMT

Every couple fights. But not every couple fights while maintaining respect and compassion for one another. If your fights are overwhelming, distressing, or ruthless—you’re not doing it right.

Conflict can be constructive rather than damaging. While arguments usually spark short-term discomfort, expressing angry feelings paves the way for open and honest dialogue in the long run.

But that’s only true if you and your spouse understand how to navigate conflict in a productive and healthy manner. Here are five tips to keep in mind during your next disagreement.

1. Know Your Triggers

Take a moment to reminisce on your fights. Are you locked in a cycle? Do you repeat the same fight over and over without realizing it?

For example, do you and your spouse have different after-work routines? Does one partner come home ready to vent while the other prefers a moment of alone time before catching up? This may lead to feelings of isolation on one end and exasperation on the other.

The solution is to notice the script—and learn to compromise. For instance, agree on a 20-minute “settling-down” period that starts with both partners greeting each other and ends with a catch-up session.

2. Time Out Means Time Out

Fights activate our sympathetic nervous systems, otherwise known as our “fight, flight, or freeze” mechanisms—none of which are productive in your run-of-the-mill domestic dispute.

When stress hormones kick into gear, problem-solving is no longer possible. That’s because your mind is honing in on a perceived threat. If either partner is in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode, attempting a calm discussion may lead to feelings of frustration on both sides.

When progress becomes impossible, it’s time for a timeout. But that doesn’t mean walking away without another word. Instead, remind your partner—and yourself—that you love them and give them a number to hold onto (e.g., “I need 10 minutes”).

3. Never Insult Each Other

Insults, sarcastic remarks, and character assassinations are never constructive. Once that boundary is crossed, the discussion is over. No exceptions. While heated feelings subside, words—especially hurtful ones—tend to stick around.

Solving a conflict means listening without interrupting. Maintaining compassion during a disagreement can be as simple as a loving touch, listening carefully, or asking for clarification whenever you’re unclear.

4. Learn How to Apologize

Sometimes an apology isn’t enough. Apologizing the wrong way, moreover, can backfire completely, stirring the pot once more. For instance, an apology littered with rationalizations and requests for forgiveness undermines its own sincerity—and almost always causes resentment.

Apologies don’t need to be solely verbal. What type of apology is meaningful to your partner? You may prefer a heartfelt speech while your partner may appreciate a thoughtful gesture, such as completing a chore that was on their list.

Learning what your partner needs to hear, see, or feel from you is one of the most important steps toward solving a conflict once and for all.

5. Find an Outlet Through Couples' Counselling

Are you feeling uneasy about rising tensions in your relationship? Do you find yourself engaging in frequent, explosive conflicts that inflict lasting damage? Learn how to prevent disagreements from turning sour with The Love of Attraction couple's counselling sessions.

Work alongside registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman to bring compassion and respect into your disagreements.

Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here . Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.

5 Tips to Help You Overcome Stress in Your Relationship

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 30 Jul 2020 15:47:34 GMT

No matter its source, stress has a way of working itself into our personal lives and digging deep into our romantic relationships.

Don’t let stress drive your relationship to its breaking point. Here are five tips that can help you and your partner cope with stress the right way.

1. Recognize the Symptoms

Modern life is stressful. Deadlines at work, money troubles, a family member that has fallen ill—all of these situations can wreak internal havoc on you and your significant other.

The first step to coping with stress is to identify its warning signs. Does your partner seem cranky, withdrawn, angry, restless, or agitated as of late? Do you feel that they may be self-medicating with food, alcohol, or drugs?

These are indicators that your partner—or you, if you’re experiencing the same symptoms—may be feeling overwhelmed. So, what can you do to take the pressure off the relationship?

2. Support First

Stress relief often comes in the form of a loving touch. As tempting as it may be to question and challenge your partner after they’ve revealed the source of their stress, now is not the time for problem-solving. Always listen and support before offering solutions.

Imagine your partner coming home from a long day at work. Instead of engaging in a brainstorming session, or letting them know how much more significant your own stressors are, simply listen, offer a comforting touch, and let them talk through what’s bothering them.

3. Ask If There's Anything You Can Do

In times of stress, it’s important to keep in mind that you and your partner are equal, and all sources of stress are valid. When your partner shows signs of being overwhelmed, asking how you can help is an excellent way to validate their feelings while showing you love them.

Try asking your partner, “What can I do to help?” Taking care of the litter, unloading the dishwasher, or giving your partner a backrub can show your partner how much you care.

4. Respect Your Differences

Everyone copes with stress differently. Some people prefer to be alone while others would rather talk it out in one go. Identifying your differences and learning to compromise is the best way to deal with stress productively.

Compromise eliminates tension. For example, if your partner decompresses by hitting the gym, but you’d prefer a thoughtful conversation, a lack of communication can lead to feelings of isolation or resentment. Agreeing to talk once your partner’s workout is over is one way to satisfy both parties and avoid potential conflict.

5. Try Couples Counselling With Kathleen Maiman

Stress needs an outlet. Couples counselling provides an avenue for open communication between you and your partner. Become aware of the thoughts and feelings behind your partner’s reactions, identify differences, and learn how to prevent disagreements from turning sour.

Are you feeling unsure about how to cope with stress in your relationship? The Love of Attraction couple’s counseling sessions with registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman can help you support each other where it counts.

Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here . Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.

The “We” Model of Relationships: How to Promote Differentiation While Feeling Safe and Secure

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 30 Jul 2020 15:47:28 GMT

For many of us, we fall into the symbiotic model of relationships, which is “you and I are one and I am the one!”

We become fused with each other emotionally and physically, joined at the hip without knowing or finding ourselves in a relationship. In a balanced mature relationship, we are able to communicate our needs and desires without the threat of disconnection.

Mary and John have been together for two years. They met online and had a warm beginning. They decided to pursue a relationship and went through the various stages that all couples go through.

Initially, John would say to Mary, what would you like for dinner? Her response, “I am easy…whatever you would like.”

He enjoyed this. Getting to have whatever he wanted was a treat. In his previous relationship, he often ate what his ex-wife had made, succumbing to her latest food trend while being on a diet.

He thought “Mary is so easygoing. I am thrilled to have someone like her.”

Similarly with their outings, she was easy to get along with, accompanying John on his adventures with a smile on her face. He continued to call the shots—what time they went to bed, where they went for dinner, the movies they watched.

Even their sexual habits were initiated by John. Mary followed without complaining. If John was happy, she was happy. This was her motto!

With the evolution of their relationship, they talked about moving in together. Since John already had a place and Mary was living in a small apartment, he proclaimed, “Why don’t you move into my place?”

Mary, without thinking and really knowing herself in the relationship and what she might need, agreed. Her motto, if John is happy, I am happy. She moved into John’s already established place.

With the deepening of their commitment, the unconscious part of the brain now sees one another as family. Their “love drugs” begin to wear off, the anaesthesia that has kept them in this trance and temporary in-love state.

While the chemicals are present, both feel pleasure and give pleasure. Putting their best foot forward and not seeing the negative tendencies has set them up to see an illusion of who each other is. This stage is known as the honeymoon phase.

Losing Yourself in a Relationship

It’s important to think about what is going on, and what’s not being seen.

This part of Mary’s personality and unconscious pattern of collapsing and accommodating has been with her since childhood. With a dominating father who constantly said: “Do it my way, or the highway,” she learned to protect herself and go along with things.

This trait served her well while growing up and helped her to attract a mate like John. She is at “home” with John and unaware of what lies beneath the accommodating part of her. It’s a deep seated fear of being left or being alone. With little self-reflection, she ultimately believes that this is who she is and how she must be in the world to receive love and affection.

John on the other hand, was a child who suffered neglect growing up in his home. His parents were preoccupied with themselves and their work. He often was unnoticed. He learned to protect himself from their dismissal by doing things for himself, having things his way most of the time.

Underneath his protective layer of control is anxiety. He does not share his vulnerability very easily and feels much discomfort in doing so. He prefers to keep his cards close to his chest and likes things to be simple and easy.

If he is confronted or experiences too much discomfort around conflict, he will retreat within himself. When by himself, he feels soothed, especially when he gets to do things his own way. As a child he would spend much of his time in his room, exploring his interests and reading his books.

The first days and weeks of their new living arrangement is thrilling and exciting for both of them. They don’t have many issues, as the symbiotic pattern of Mary accommodating and John making all the decisions is familiar and comfortable. In this pattern, both are quite agreeable, feeling content and enjoying each other’s company. No longer feeling isolated and alone in their pain, they begin to relax their defenses and guardedness. With the commitment of being together, their guards and protective mechanisms relax further.

Mary quietly decides one day that she would like to purchase new furniture, sprucing their place up. She takes it upon herself to go shopping, telling herself that John will love whatever she chooses. She has been putting up with his furniture that was left over from his marriage.

Initially, she comes home with a few small items. John notices, but does not say anything. He says to himself, “Mary should feel comfortable, this is her home too.” He concedes to her additions, however, inside he feels slightly rattled that she didn’t talk to him about the purchases. He remains quiet.

While he is at work, a new living room set is delivered. Enthusiastically, Mary requests the delivery men to move the old furniture set to the basement, hoping to surprise John with their new and improved living room. Eager to see his face, she prepares herself and the furniture display.

Expecting to be met by Mary with her usual open arms, he walks in the door and is shocked and mortified at what he finds. His first thought, “What the hell happened here? Where is my furniture? I didn’t order this! His second thought, who is this person standing here in front of me? I don’t recognize her.”

Mary immediately registers his anger and disappointment and tries to cajole him, “Don’t you like it? What’s wrong?” She begins to explain and he stonewalls her, turning away from her for the rest of the evening.

This Is Their First Fight!

Both are feeling disillusioned and upset. Mary is hurt and disappointed. She becomes despondent and extremely doubtful and fearful at the same time. “What have I done? I thought we were in love. Why is he acting like this?”

Then a familiar feeling arises. She begins to recognize this feeling while growing up in her family of origin. To her shock, she has recreated her family situation all over again. The feelings are intense for her. She makes attempts to talk to John and reconnect. He refuses and shuts down. Living inside his head, he is replaying his hurt feelings of feeling not seen, and neglected by his parents.

“How could Mary do this?” I thought she was the one…..a nice girl who went along with me.” He had been feeling confident and now that has gone out the window. His loneliness and apprehension from childhood continues to resurface. In these moments, he considers ending the relationship now that they aren’t getting along.

What Will They Do?

Many relationships go through this first disillusionment. It’s an opportunity to wake up from the symbiotic dream that “we want the same things. That we are the same and we should never disagree or have a fight.”

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce because folks don’t know how to recover from these kinds of disagreements and make healthy repairs. Most have not learned the skills to navigate the differences or acknowledge that they have adaptations that were developed in their family of origin.

Most individuals don’t have a conscious awareness of the impact from the first 6 years of their life. The imprints and memories are laid down and can be reactivated or triggered in the adult love relationship.

When we are young, we depend on our parents and caregivers for love and connection. When the love and connection needs are not met, we end up looking for it in our adult relationships, hoping to move away from the loneliness and desperation and disconnection we felt as children.

The wounds were never healed and the sutures begin to unravel in the adult love relationship. This can be a challenging time for couples.

When triggered into our vulnerabilities, the coping mechanisms kick up to protect them. Our options become limited. In fact, few choices are available when the default mode of protection and self-preservation is activated.

Can They Recover?

Mary learned to accommodate and go along in her relationships, avoiding stating her views, desires, and needs to cover up her fear of disconnection and pain.

John learned to close off to others, having superficial relationships, and moving away from his pain and disconnection of being neglected.

Both show up in relationships, masking their wounds and injuries. When the fight erupts, this is a signal that something old and painful is resurfacing.

If this couple is able to move into differentiation, the WE model of relationships, they would be pushed onto the path of growth and maturation. Here is their opportunity to grow beyond their adaptive and protective patterns.

If Mary could learn to open up herself about her desires and needs and say:

“John…I am really sorry. I wasn’t thinking about how I have been showing up in the relationship. For most of my life, I have gone along with what others wanted and their viewpoints, and have been very scared to rock the boat. This is scary for me. I become passive in verbalizing my wishes and desires, and my actions become aggressive, hurtful and unilateral. I need to learn to speak and tell you what is on my heart and listen to you and work together as a team.”

If John were to come from a mature and differentiated place, he would respond with:

“Thank you Mary for your acknowledgement. No one ever came to me to talk about things—they left me alone to figure things out and not consider my feelings. I feel grateful when you acknowledge my pain. I do hear and see that you have been very easy going. And I thought that is what I wanted. However, I would never have to grow into a full human being if I always had it my way. And that is not a real relationship. A real relationship is one where we talk about things and share our inner world. I was selfish and self-centred and didn’t really push for what you wanted. I took the easy way out and I am sorry. Can we please try again? I would like to go and have another look at the furniture. I think you probably have great taste and I believe we can work this out.”

Both reflect on what the other says and feel relief. Isn’t this what we all want?

Many of us know we were loved by our parents, however, didn’t feel seen or cared for emotionally by them. Being seen by a partner and having our feelings, desires, and needs witnessed allows us to come into fullness of who we really are.

The adult relationship is a place to mature these parts of ourselves into our full potential, moving from the ME to WE.

May you enjoy this article and apply some of it to your own life. You may also wish to learn more about restoring your connection in a counselling session or in an upcoming weekend retreat .

Be the Change you Wish to See in the Relationship

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Tue, 30 Jun 2020 16:07:55 GMT

Jeff and Liz both came into my private practice. They are both wanting the other to change. I see this most of the time with partners having little awareness of their contribution to the dynamic and what they need to change.

Jeff says: “I feel miserable and upset most of the time. I can’t do anything right. She is always making me feel this way. I keep asking for space, and things don’t appear to be changing. I can’t stand this.”

Liz complains that “He is not there for me. I feel so alone. He constantly ignores me, and I am fed up.”

If you want your partner to change, start by accepting them for who they are and know that you are not the same. “You are different,” says Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want. People can only change when they feel they are welcomed, accepted for the way they are, and know they are loved. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated, they are unable to change. Instead, they will protect themselves, turn away, or amp up their discontent.

It’s easy to criticize your partner and step into the negativity of all the things they are doing that are different, and what you don’t like and what annoys you. Instead of criticizing your partner, remind yourself of all of the things you appreciate about them, and share those things with them. By being genuinely interested in why they see or do something differently than you, you will bring curiosity and respect to them. Even celebrating what makes each of you unique, goes a long way.

Of course, there are some things that should never be tolerated in a relationship, like addiction, abuse, or infidelity. These behaviors should be addressed in a loving and direct way with the help of a professional. Even in those catastrophic cases, it is possible to accept the person and seek to understand and learn more about them. You don’t have to accept their behaviour.

Intimacy requires vulnerability

What Jeff and Liz don’t realize is that they aren’t really arguing about the amount of time they spend together. The underlying issue in their marriage is that neither partner is able to express their needs in a non-blaming way.

They had never discussed what alone time and time together meant to each of them. By talking about this in my office, Jeff finally understood Liz’s fear of being alone. His understanding led him to carve out more time together.

Couples seeking a deeper emotional connection need to understand that vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand. In other words, intimacy can only occur when partners are vulnerable enough to share their deepest hopes, fears, and dreams without judgement.

Change starts with you

Do you spend more time questioning your partner’s words or actions than examining your own? Blaming your partner can feel good in the moment, but it’s dangerous because it can lead to anger and resentment and finally aversion.

Conflict is not a bad thing in relationships. Harville Hendrix states that it is “growth trying to happen.” Frustrations and conflict are meant to be there, as all couples argue. It is part of being a couple. The difference between the couples that stay together and the ones who divorce is the way they repair after conflict. To be a master in your relationship, first, take responsibility for your role in the issue or dynamic and change your own behavior.

Resentment and indifference build in couples that don’t repair their hurts. The wounds fester, grow bigger and bigger with each day until the couple creates an invisible divorce and finally break up. Repair is absolutely crucial after the rupture of connection, stopping the incident from moving into the long term memory portion of the brain. Once there, we don’t forget, and we continue to habitually ruminate about our hurts, bringing them up when an argument ensues. Repairs are important in all relationships, particularly intimate partnerships.

Here are four things you can do instead of trying to change your partner that can change your relationship for the better.

Become a better partner. The majority of people cause a stalemate in a relationship waiting for their partner to change. If you don’t change your part in a stuck pattern, no change will occur. You can empower yourself to be the change, especially if you are in pain. This is not easy; however, it is not impossible. It can be a small victory when it occurs.
Focus on the solution. Instead of focusing on changing your partner, focus on being a team, and finding a solution. Compromise never works in a relationship, as no one really feels like a winner. Focus on the issues at hand and find a mutually beneficial outcome that meets both of your needs.
Take responsibility. When we feel angry or hurt or in fear or frustration, we often speak in “you sentences,” which pushes our partner away. Take responsibility for your words and actions and how they impact your partner. Use “I statements” and focus on expressing your feelings in a vulnerable way that invites your partner to understand your pain. Apologize for your disruptive behaviour as this will open the door to reconnection, moving towards forgiveness, allowing both of you to move on.
Remove all criticism and blame . Criticism and blame create annihilation in relationships. By removing all negativity that is in the form of criticism and blame, you will have a safer, more secure, and connected relationship. Criticism is one of the Four Horseman researched by Dr. Gottman, and is a predictor of divorce. Criticism attacks the core of a person’s character while a complaint focuses on a specific behavior.

Successful couples remember to give each other the benefit of the doubt and consider that they are both doing the best they can. To build a great relationship with trust, talk about your feelings, and request a positive need instead of what you do not need. By being friendly, you can build and nourish a healthy bond that will help you repair and navigate the challenging and stormy moments together.

Gandhi was famous for saying: Be the change you wish to see in the world. “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.”

This stands true in relationships. Instead of trying to change your partner, be the change you wish to see in your relationship.

How to Support A Partner Struggling With Mental Health Issues

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Tue, 30 Jun 2020 15:48:20 GMT

Mental illness isn’t rare. One in five Canadians is experiencing a mental illness or addiction problem right now. One of the first relationships affected by mental illness is the one between romantic partners.

Supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health is tough for any number of reasons—especially when it’s your partner. Couples face issues like internalized stigma, feelings of inadequacy, frustration, intimacy problems, and more—all of which are straining.

The good news is that, with the right guidance, enjoying a healthy and compassionate long-term relationship with someone who has a mental illness is more than possible.

How do you empower your partner without enabling unhealthy behaviours? Here are my recommendations for how to support your partner where it counts.

1. Learn About the Condition Together

Symptoms of mental illness can be off-putting, confusing, and easy to misinterpret. But mental illness is not a character flaw—treating it like one is incredibly damaging.

The absolute best plan of action is to educate yourself. Make sure the information you’re following is reliable. Find resources from organizations such as the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) and the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) .

Taking the time to learn about your partner’s condition prevents you from filling any blanks you may have with misinformation while showing them that you care.

2. Communicate With Compassion

Mental illnesses have been termed “invisible illnesses” for a reason. Some people hold back on necessary conversations out of embarrassment, fear of being judged, or not wanting to be treated differently.

But mental health isn’t something that can be swept under the rug. Over time, misunderstandings and resentment breed toxicity. If your relationship is already suffering, try and find the courage to communicate openly with your partner.

Listening with empathy is the first step to understanding what triggers your partner, when to give them space, and when to be more attentive.

3. Practice Self-Care

Remember to treat yourself with the same compassion that you treat your partner. Your partner’s mental illness may have a negative impact on yours—make sure to reach out for help whenever you need it.

What does being kind to yourself mean? You can’t go wrong by sticking to the basics: eat well, get enough sleep, exercise regularly, and engage in activities that nurture and fulfill you.

Making changes to your lifestyle can be a team effort. Take small steps and remember to encourage rather than pressure your partner.

4. Seek Professional Couple’s Counselling

Couples counselling can be a great outlet for you and your partner to process your feelings in a guided environment. A mental health professional is a fantastic resource that can help you gain perspective, establish boundaries, and untangle unhealthy dynamics.

Are you feeling overwhelmed by your partner’s struggle with mental health issues? The Love of Attraction couple’s counseling sessions with registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman can help ease the strains in your relationship.

Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here . Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.

Self-Isolation for Couples: 3 Tips for Communicating Openly With Your Partner

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 28 May 2020 15:19:16 GMT

Home is where the heart is. So why are so many couples unraveling at the edges while sheltering in place with one other?

Love in the time of coronavirus is no easy feat. The epidemic has rattled everyday life, shaking up routines, boundaries, and responsibilities. Amid all this uncertainty, finding yourselves stuck in close quarters can leave you and your partner feeling farther away from each other than ever before.

Open communication is easier said than done—especially during quarantine. Tensions are running high, whether that’s due to an invasion of personal space, the stress of being laid off, or feelings of excess energy that are left without an outlet. Whatever the reason, let’s take a look at a few strategies you and your partner can use to strengthen your communication.

1. Be Present

Are you thinking about a previous conversation during the one you’re having? Are you preoccupied with what you want to say rather than listening to what’s being said? If you’re secretly hoping the conversation will end so that you can move onto the next item in your to-do list, it’s no secret—your partner can sense your inattention. And the net result of conversations like this is a lack of trust.

Let your partner know that they’re your number one priority by giving them your full attention. Even when you’re angry or stressed, being mindful of your partner helps you deal with conflict in a healthy manner and allows you both to take a moment to let down your defenses. Remember that truly listening to your partner increases the chances of you being heard.

2. Let Things Go

Before you sit down to have a discussion with your partner, take a moment to remind yourself that your goal is to strengthen your relationship, and improve your communication skills. A simple conversation that slips into a recounting of every instance in your relationship where you’ve felt wronged by your partner is counterproductive to your goal, wears you down, and leaves your partner feeling stranded. Remind yourself that you’re talking to someone who cares about you deeply.

3. Focus on Non-verbal Cues

What’s your body language saying? Your partner isn’t likely to interpret a supportive message as supportive if your arms are crossed and you’re standing across the room. Non-verbal communication has the potential to make your partner feel understood and respected—or disregarded and inferior. Look in your partner’s eyes, offer an understanding touch, and show them—on top of telling them—that you’re listening with compassion.

4. Communication Is a Skill. Work on It Together

Take the time to understand each other’s communication styles. Does one of you prefer to approach confrontation head-on while the other would rather take some time to cool off? Working together with your partner to resolve your conflicts openly and honestly lays the foundation for a healthy, rewarding, and long-lasting relationship.

Try In-person and Video Counselling Sessions With Kathleen Maiman

The Love of Attraction counseling sessions with registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman can help ease the tensions in your relationship. Together, we can work through the knots in your relationship and build a bond that lasts beyond these difficult times.

Is your relationship feeling the immense pressures of quarantine? Are you looking for a professional to guide you and your partner toward establishing open and healthy communication patterns? Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services I offer by clicking here —or feel free to contact me directly .

It’s not what you say – it’s how you say it

kathleen@theloveofattraction.com (Kathleen Maiman) — Thu, 28 May 2020 14:03:25 GMT

A few months ago Robert wrote about Listening and not moving into Problem Solving. Hard for an engineer to change a pattern that is revered professionally and culturally as a man. This takes effort and courage to listen. Thank you Robert.

I am here to talk about Sender Responsibility when talking. It’s not what you say – it’s how you say it that matters. Words, tones, gestures and voice have impact on whether the listener can take in and receive what is being said.

Let’s look at the sender side in more detail. When in discomfort or distress, I look for reassurance, comfort, safety and connection. This is wired in us from birth. We need to feel tethered to someone when we were vulnerable and easily exposed to threats or danger. This attachment system allows a baby to cry when they are upset and have the caregiver respond with diaper change, a cuddle or feeding.

Moms and dads are tuned into their child’s cry, knowing that their child needs their attention and comfort. Again, wired in our systems for survival and maintenance of care.

Now as an adult, I experience an upset and an unmet need arises. This wish or desire gets internally activated and I express a distress signal. However, instead of crying, I put words to it and these cries are expressed as criticisms.

Harville Hendrix author of Getting the Love You Want states that criticism is the adult form of crying.

How fitting! The tone of my voice is sharp, my pitch is high in frequency, expressing alert or danger and the words that flow out of my mouth are “You are never for me!” Instead of my partner coming to me and reassuring me with a hug

or cuddle or kind words, he negatively responds to me and turns away from me on his heels, going the other way. Our connection is ruptured and I am receiving the opposite of what I want! Internally, his distress at receiving my upset

heightens his protection mechanism automatically and moves him further away.

This is a common problem in couples. One is the pursuer and the other is the distancer. It is also a common dilemma for the sender to not know how to send a distress signal and get the comfort or response they are looking for.

So, what can I do about this? Instead of pursuing him when he turns away and pushing and prodding for more comfort and reassurance in an unhealthy way “Don’t you walk away from me when I talking to you” in an angry tone or “I hate it

when you do that”, I can step back, take a few breaths and offer kindness and softness from my voice. Expressing my desire with friendliness in my words along with a much less threatening face is the invitation for him to come closer. Moving from the “glare” to the “gaze” in the eyes will also show a sign of warmth and

friendliness.

This is how I would begin my soft approach. “I am sorry for expressing my need in a way that threatened you”.

Repairing the connection is an important part of healing the rupture in a

relationship.

Repair and acknowledgement of my behaviour and impact is disarming for him. His protective defensive guard can relax and he will be more open to hearing more of what I have to say. “I feel sad when I reach for you and I don’t see you

respond. I wish for some connection with you. Would you please give me a hug?”

This is the adult version, a less blaming approach, using sender responsibility. Stating my feelings in an “I” sentence, expressing the need, or wish and then putting forth a specific request.

This shortened approach with few sentences and an ownership of my emotions and needs makes it easier for my partner to hear me. Robert needs to feel connection from me and connection is just as important for the listener as it is for

the sender.

To grow beyond the “baby belief and expectation” that I can just make a loud emotional cry and my partner should come toward me with a cuddle or affection is a sign of maturity. We need to enhance our connection skills with our good

intentions. Remember, you have more impact than anyone else and your partner feels more vulnerable with you more than anyone else. It’s not what you say, it is how you say it!

Love Under Lockdown: How to Manage Relationship Strains During a Pandemic

Thu, 23 Apr 2020 15:48:59 GMT

You’ve probably heard the old saying that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” But what happens to the heart in the opposite circumstances? The outbreak and spread of the current COVID-19 pandemic have transformed all of our lives in a myriad of ways.

Large parts of North America are now under strict lockdown measures, confined to the house for all but essential travel and outings. We suddenly find ourselves working from home, homeschooling our children, and spending all of our time with our family.

If you’re feeling the strain of being so close to your partner, you aren’t alone. It’s natural that your relationship will be affected by the new living conditions caused by the crisis. This article will help you understand why lockdown conditions can place unexpected strains on a relationship, before offering a few tips on how to both acknowledge and manage life under lockdown as a couple.

Why Are You Feeling the Pressure?

Let’s take a look at a few of the reasons why the current strict lockdown is proving to be so challenging. You may be struggling with a:

Lack of boundaries and personal space
Heightened awareness of your partner’s habits and ticks
Inconvenient set-up when working from home
Lack of routine with your household chores
Build-up of tension after fights and arguments due to close proximity
Sudden increase in responsibility as you teach your kids, manage your household, and look for “me time”

Tips to Improve Your Relationship During a Pandemic

So, what can you do to strengthen your relationship during a pandemic? You will no doubt find it difficult to be respectful and cheery at all times—and this is perfectly acceptable. After all, we are only human.

But here are a few strategies you can use to make—rather than break your relationship during the COVID-19 lockdown.

Communicate Openly

Many relationship issues stem from a lack of active communication. During the lockdown, try to be honest about how you are feeling. This honesty can go a long way to identifying a potential problem before it escalates.

Explain why you find your current relationship situation difficult to manage. Have a calm discussion about the various ways you might resolve any tension between you. Admit your faults and explain what you find difficult about your partner’s behaviour.

Leave Room for Alone Time

Spending time alone will give you the space you need to gather your thoughts and check-in with yourself. If you’ve found that you are arguing more than usual, alone time will give you time to calm down after a fight.

Try practicing yoga, meditation, or go for a run or for a walk by yourself. You may even find peace and quiet through video games.

If you’re working from home, do your best to keep your workspaces as separate as you possibly can. It’s important to create a distinction between your work and relaxation spaces.

Plan for Date Nights

Avoid spending “poor quality” time together. Remember, it is possible to spend hours and hours in each other’s company without ever having a meaningful, engaged conversation. Date nights are important for all long term couples as they can help you to see your partner through new, more appreciative eyes.

Now, date nights are more important than ever. Without them, you’ll end up getting bored and annoyed by your couple’s routine of sitting silently watching TV every day. Be creative about how you can plan romantic at-home dates—get dressed up, put away your phones, and enjoy each other’s company.

Socialise Virtually Without Your Partner

The lockdown can make it possible for you to go days or weeks on end without speaking to any adults other than your partner. Balance and mental stability will come from seeking out friends and family members to speak with by yourself.

A video chat with a friend will help you to appreciate the time you do spend with your partner.

Video Counselling Sessions Available With The Love of Attraction

Kathleen Maiman is a registered psychotherapist and certified Imago relationship therapist that offers couples counselin g and other services.

Are you finding it difficult to manage your relationship during this pandemic? I am now open for video couples counselling, making it easy for you and your partner to work through this difficult time together.

My sessions are designed to help you reflect and come up with effective tools that will allow you and your partner to develop a strong bond and manage your relationship during this difficult time.

Even though the immense pressures of the coronavirus pandemic may feel overwhelming, it’s vital that you give your relationship the attention and care it deserves. Find out more about the Love of Attraction telehealth services, or feel free to contact me directly to get your relationship under lockdown back on track.

Uncertain Times Call for New Measures

Fri, 27 Mar 2020 17:52:08 GMT

We are living in uncertain times, this is a massive understatement. Never before has the world been affected by something like this all at once in our lifetime. The level of fear and uncertainty we are currently witnessing is unprecedented.

We see it on people`s faces, hear in their voices, and now that we are all in our homes with little connection with each other, we are witnessing it on social media. We are scared of being hurt, we are scared of the economy and we are scared of not being in control and now we are scared of each other.

Don`t get me wrong, fear is a natural human instinct. It`s our 2 million year old brain that is designed to protect ourselves in the moment for the sake of survival. It`s always looking for what`s wrong, so you can fight, run away from threat or freeze. But if you do one of these three things every time you are fearful, or have pain, you`re going to be constantly fighting, running away or stopping and putting your life on hold. And that is no way to live.

So what can we do?

Lean into Your Supportive Network.

Take the time to reach out to others for support and to others that may be feeling vulnerable and need an ear. It can feel great to reach out to someone that is in need of help or have someone respond to you. It helps us to expand our awareness that each of us experience fear and vulnerability, our common reality of interconnectedness. Ultimately, this brings forth more compassion for each other and ourselves.

Find Your Center.

Never before, have we been given so much time to meditate, reflect, go within and find the deeper meaning in all of this. When we do this, we can connect to a higher power, find our core and build our faith. Faith, above all, can lead us out of fear and uncertainty. It is connecting with our inner essence or presence that reminds us that we are more than what happens on the outside and that we can handle what life gives us.

Be Accepting of the Present Moment.

Life is both pain and pleasure, both opportunity and challenge, both birth and death. There is a season and a time for everything. Embrace what has been given to us and make use of it. Take on a new exploration or new learning; spend quality time with your spouse and your children. Have those conversations that you have been putting off. Begin to contemplate and manifest your dreams and desires. We are adaptable as human beings. When we embrace all that is given, we can move to a state of gratitude.

Look for the Silver Lining in all of this.

Out of every crisis there is an opportunity. I, personally, found myself going through a process, like I was shedding an old snake skin. Who do I want to be in this time? Do I want to stay self-centred, unapproachable or do I want to be flexible and available? This has really taught me that I have gifts to give others. When I can stay calm and in a connected state, the state spreads to others and ignites their natural calm connected state.

Stop the Scroll.

My millennial friend introduced me to this term. With social media very active right now, many of us are turning towards our devices. It is a great escape, however, it is also easy to get hooked in, inundated and overwhelmed with all that we are seeing and hearing. Being informed is necessary and putting on the brakes will give our eyes and minds and bodies a well-deserved reprieve. Other activities can then enter the space.

Tips for Couples

If Your Partner is Feeling Distress, they may be Reverting to their Coping Strategy.

Remember in times of distress, we may become more clingy, demanding or retreating and withdrawing. Notice the polarity that starts to emerge and see it for what it is – old coping mechanisms that get activated during times of distress.

Don’t increase the polarity with criticizing their life-long coping approach, which is most likely not going to go away during a crisis! Have some empathy and acceptance of the other versus trying to change them. If possible, become aware of you own coping mechanism and move towards your partner in an understanding and approachable way.

Work Together as a TEAM.

Recognize that stress comes from lack of structure, too much togetherness, and anxiety. You are in the bunker together with the invisible enemy surrounding you. Work together as a team to get through this by developing a routine together and apart, around work and family routines. Make some plans and stick to them for some semblance of order allowing space and distance as well as together time.

Ask for a Behaviour Change.

If you see something that your partner is doing behaviourally that you don’t like, ask them for a behaviour change. First affirm them that they are doing what they think is appropriate. Then ask for the change, using language such as…..”What would really help me….what would really help my anxiety…. What would really help my safety is…….”

Seek Connections as a Couple.

Connection with friends and loved ones is so important during this crisis. Seek out your favourites as a couple via Facetime, Zoom, Skype etc. You may want to share a meal, or drink together and have some good conversation and laughs. This will restore your sense of connection with others and fill both of you up.

Ask Your Partner, What Do You Need From Me?

This will help your partner feel supported and will promote their focus on reciprocating this experience. When they share, focus on your partner’s body language, facial expressions and tone of voice as they respond. Do you notice relief and happiness or stress and frustration?

Listen to their needs and values and validate them. Continue to listen and attend to them. If they say, I’m fine, respect them and say “thank you for letting me know”. Add “I’m here if you do need anything”. This offering can certainly go a long way to letting your partner know that you care. It also puts some money in the emotional bank account for later.

Build Up Your “Couples Resilience”.

Band together during this crisis as opposed to making your “couple problems” worse. When anxious or scared, we don’t make the best decisions, so take any threat of divorce or separation off the table. If old and chronic problems flare up, externalize them by saying that they are flaring up from the external virus situation, not from inside the marriage or relationship.

Don’t draw any conclusions about the state of your relationship during a crisis time. Your judgement is impaired. You can always look back afterward with more perspective.

Reinforce Your “Couple Bubble”.

The “couple bubble” coined by Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love tells us about the need for couples to create an “ecosystem for their relationship”. In this bubble, the needs of the relationship are prioritized and maintained so that each member feels nourished and protected against external stressors. Get yourself into the couple bubble by having some alone time.

Fill each other up with appreciations, offer touch (brings one into the present moment) and do some eye gazing. I love the four minute study demonstrated on YouTube: “How to Connect with Anyone” . Check it out and try it at home. You’ll probably laugh and giggle at first and end up feeling more loved at the end of the 4 minutes.

May you find the pleasure in the moment, may you remember to be kind to yourself and loved ones in this time of crisis. May you not make any decisions out of fear or desperation! And most of all, may you find the resilience in yourself and others.

Stay safe and healthy!

Why Saying No Can Be Good for Your Relationship

Wed, 11 Mar 2020 17:28:25 GMT

No. We’ve all heard it before, but this simple word holds so much power. Yet, when it comes to relationships, no is often seen as a negative word.

Couples may see no as a restrictive, one-sided word. But is this a fair way to view the word no?

The answer is simply, no.

The Problem With Always Saying Yes

The idea of saying yes to every request your partner makes seems easy, especially if you experience a lot of conflict in your relationship .

You may think that by saying yes, you’re avoiding a potential fight and making your partner happy. And while this may be true in the short term, the long-term impacts can negatively affect your relationship.

Saying yes can lead to resentment in your relationship, and no relationship can survive if it’s built on resentment and frustration. Catering to your partner's needs can actually cause you to lose your identity—making you known as a couple and less as two individuals in a relationship.

That’s not to say you should never say yes. After all, relationships are built on healthy compromise. But saying yes should never come at the cost of your identity and happiness in the situation.

So, what can you do?

The Importance of Saying No

A healthy relationship must be based on communication, compromise, and the ability for both partners to respect each other’s decisions. Without this mutual respect, a relationship will struggle to grow.

Saying no is a healthy part of any relationship because it establishes boundaries. And without these boundaries, you may be hurting your relationship.

You shouldn’t mistake boundaries as a bad thing that are damaging your relationship. Instead, they should be seen as an extension of your partner’s needs. These boundaries are a definition of who they are, their needs, and they are a powerful tool that you can use to explore and shape your relationship as you grow together as a couple.

Remember, everyone’s needs change over time. It’s perfectly healthy for a partner’s needs to change. You may find that your sexual needs have changed, that you no longer like that TV show you bonded over, or hate a certain type of food that you used to love.

There’s nothing wrong with change, and learning to say no is the most powerful form of communication.

Why Is Saying No Is a Powerful Form of Communication?

The key to successfully navigating boundaries is to establish them in the first place. By saying no, your partner will know when something is off limits or goes against your needs.

It can also reduce tension in the relationship because you won’t be left guessing when your partner doesn’t like something like you would if they said yes all the time and slowly became resentful.

For many, saying no is the simplest way to empower yourself and communicate your needs directly. Don’t look at the word no as something negative. See it for what it is, a simple, yet empowering word.

Need Help Learning to Say No In Your Relationship?

Every relationship needs boundaries—but finding the right approach to set them takes patience and understanding.

Kathleen Maiman is a registered psychotherapist and certified Imago relationship therapist that specializes in helping couples overcome barriers and promote an empathetic approach to their relationships.

Are you interested in learning more about the power of boundaries in your relationship? Contact The Love of Attraction today by calling 403-809-8282 or by emailing kathleen@theloveofattraction.com.

Love is in the Air – How Is Your Connection This Valentine’s Day?

Tue, 11 Feb 2020 16:30:49 GMT

The following is adapted from The Four Sacred Secrets – For Love and Prosperity - A Guide to Living in a Beautiful State by Preethaji and Krishnaji

Who among us has not hoped to meet a person whose presence we can be completely vulnerable? Who hasn’t dreamed of a relationship where there is no pressure to be a particular way, but rather a thrill of being together and a deep appreciation of one another? Who has not yearned for the kind of love that fills your soul? Such love arises not because two people share the same tastes, passions, or interests.

It happens when two people awaken to the beautiful state of connection.

What Is Connection?

A state of connection is free of all expectation; it’s the elixir of life. It’s the silent power that helps us navigate the most pressing of challenges and conquer them. This beautiful state of connection is possible for all of us when we make peace with ourselves, our past, and present.

So, how do we experience it?

We must break free from the entanglements of old hurts and disappointments and resentments. We must have a shared commitment to our growth and healing and mutual evolution. It’s when we truly embrace ourselves and accept ourselves that we can accept the other and feel accepted by the other.

If we become free of our own grievances against the other and within ourselves, we can live in a state of connection.

Letting Go of the Fairy Tale

Many of us know how thrilling the early days of a relationship can be. We are drugged on a chemical cocktail of love drugs known as dopamine, oxytocin, testosterone, and norepinephrine, making the early days an exhilarating experience.

Sooner or later, reality will set in, and we will see our partner for who they really are. We go from “I can’t live without you” to “I’m no longer in love with you.”

Why does someone we were once head over heels in love with suddenly reveal themselves to be insensitive, annoying, or boring? Why does this relationship, which very often starts with the promise of great love, fizzle out into frustration? How do our dreams of love become a nightmare we so urgently want to awaken from?

The reason: we tell ourselves it clearly was them, not me! If only the other person were a little more caring, more responsive, sensitive, more romantic, more responsible, the relationship could have survived. Isn’t this how most of us think?

Diving Deeper Into The Fairy Tale

Our initial excitement about a new romance can often mask warning signs that we are bringing old hurts into a new relationship. As soon as the fairy dust of the honeymoon phase wears off, it’s only a matter of time before a careless word or act from our new partner tears out the sutures we hoped would keep all that hurt from spilling out. The pain soon becomes overwhelming, and the cycle of heartbreak begins anew.

To make matters worse, each new heartbreak chips away at our ability to trust and be vulnerable. We begin to question our choices, and we begin to question ourselves.

We may wear the mask of self-sufficiency and independence, but underneath many brave exteriors, you will find a person who was hurt so deeply that they do not want to risk opening themselves up to such pain again.

If we do not free ourselves from the pain of our past relationships , we run the risk of playing out the same patterns and creating further drama and challenges. Triggered by actions or events that bring up painful memories, we get sucked into a very dangerous and destructive loop.

Think about a current or past relationship. It could be a relationship with a spouse or partner, one with a child or parent, or one with a friend or colleague – any relationship that truly matters to you. Ask yourself:

Why did I partner with this person?
What is the basis of our relationship?
What kind of foundation does our relationship stand on?
Am I in a relationship because I fear loneliness and long for some desperate security or acceptance, or it’s based on a rich sense of connection?

Do not judge yourself. Just simply accept whatever answers arise.

If your relationships are founded on external factors, we can be sure that they are fragile; such a relationship will collapse with the slightest tremor. Our hearts vacillate with every challenge, and we start doubting our choice in a partner . Lacking the soul-nourishing internal state of connection, we feel as if we are wasting our time on our partners.

Sometimes we start a new relationship largely because we are holding onto hurt from a previous relationship or because we are feeling lonely and bored. The newness of the relationship might keep the loneliness and hurt at bay for a little while, but it’s only a matter of time before the same state of being will surface in this new relationship.

You cannot enter a relationship to end your unhappiness. You can only enter it to share the fullness of your being.

Relationships break not because attraction fades, but because we have gotten used to being self-obsessed and move from a state connection to disconnection. Taking a relationship beyond attraction to enduring love and connection is only possible when we move from our habitual self-preoccupation to “other-centeredness.” It’s through being present with the other and feeling the other; their pain, joy, excitement, sadness, and other feelings that love emerges.

An Exercise for Reflecting On Your Relationship

Think of someone you love and care for in your life. Take a couple of deep breaths while holding this personal image in your heart. Close your eyes and stay still for a few seconds. Allow yourself to feel whatever may arise, be it the beautiful states of connection, excitement, and peace and joy, or the stressful states of loneliness, hurt, boredom, and indifference. Calmly smile as you recognize your inner state.

A relationship survives disappointments, endures challenges, and flourishes only when both partners share a vision for their mutual inner state of being. Having a vision for this well-being in a calm, connected state can save numerous marriages and friendships, heal the hearts of parents and children, creating a true culture of cooperation and appreciation.

Looking for That Spark This Valentine’s Day? Contact Love of Attraction

Happy Valentine’s Day, and may you take the time to reflect on your inner state. Are you coming from a beautiful state of connection, or are you coming from a lonely, hurt state? The power is in you and was never outside of you! May you relish in the enjoyment of yourselves and each other.

For more information on couples counseling or couples’ and individuals’ weekend retreats , call me at 403-809-8282 or email me .

How to Find Power Balance in Your Relationship

Mon, 10 Feb 2020 20:04:37 GMT

A common reason why many people seek couples counseling is the all too common power imbalance that exists in many relationships.

Power imbalances in relationships are surprisingly common. Balanced relationships are all about give and take. If one member of a couple feels they are giving too much, resentment can begin to fester, and tensions within the relationship can begin to rise.

This article will help you identify an unhealthy power dynamic and give you some advice on how to tackle it in a constructive way, whether that’s through self-reflection, compromise, or couples counseling.

Understanding the Importance of Gender

If you’re in a heterosexual relationship, it’s likely that the man in the relationship will wield more power . This is because social conventions teach us that this imbalanced version of a relationship is the correct version.

Even if the man in the relationship doesn’t believe that a woman’s place is “in the kitchen” or “with the children,” the convention is deeply ingrained in most people’s minds. This can often result in a power imbalance that follows the traditional housewife structure.

Identifying an Unhealthy Dynamic in Your Relationship

If you’re concerned that your relationship has become imbalanced and unhealthy, look out for these warning signs.

You Feel the Need to Please

Many people who assume the subordinate role within a relationship will constantly feel the need to please their other half. You may find yourself going out of your way to do them favours, or to keep them happy throughout the day.

While pleasing and helping your partner is a wonderful, healthy practice, it only works when your partner returns the favour. If you find yourself trying to please your partner in the hopes that your efforts will one day be noticed and appreciated, you may be operating within an unhealthy dynamic.

You Sense a Lack of Respect

If your partner mocks or ridicules your hobbies, friends, or ideas, this is a sign your partner doesn’t respect you. A lack of respect in a relationship is incredibly dangerous, as it can lead to a dynamic that isn’t normal.

When you don’t feel respected, you will not be able to communicate openly with your partner. Resentment and tension will gradually increase in the relationship until you reach an inevitable breaking point.

You Are Working Harder

If you feel that your workload around the house is much greater than your partner’s, ask yourself how this pattern has developed. If your partner has assigned you with too many chores or tasks, he or she may be inadvertently placing you in a subordinate role.

The role of work involves both partners. Both the primary breadwinner and the supportive spouse play important roles in maintaining a healthy balance in a relationship. It’s common for the supporting partner to feel frustrated when the primary breadwinner fails to do their part around the home.

A healthy relationship requires teamwork and communication, and this means accepting that both roles are challenging, that both individuals are valuable, and finding a suitable way to compromise and understand each other.

Changing the Power Dynamic of Your Relationship

If you’re concerned about the power dynamic in your relationship, it’s crucial that you take steps to solve this issue. Many people make the mistake of ignoring the fact that their relationship dynamic is unhealthy, hoping that it will rebalance by itself.

The only real solution to an imbalance in a relationship is communication. It’s possible that your partner is unaware of how you feel. Broach the subject calmly and provide some examples of how his or her actions have made you feel subordinate.

Try not to play the blame game. Think of instances when you should have spoken up in the past. Take ownership of the ways in which your actions have also contributed to your current dynamic.

Be sure to listen to your partner's feelings about the dynamic. Try to see things from their perspective, and you will have a greater understanding of how this dynamic was formed in the first place.

Love of Attraction Couples Counseling: Start Your Transformation Today

Is your relationship in need of some rebalancing? My couples counseling program is designed to help you understand the strengths or weaknesses of your relationship through an empathetic approach.

Kathleen Maiman is a registered psychotherapist and a certified Imago relationship therapist . Contact her today by calling 403-809-8282 to learn how you can save your relationship.

Relationship Therapist Q&A: How Is Social Media Affecting Your Relationship?

Thu, 23 Jan 2020 15:41:26 GMT

Let’s face it—we all use social media in some form. Avoiding social media is one of the biggest challenges we face in 2020. But have you ever stopped to think about how social media is affecting your relationships?

As a relationship therapist that specializes in couples counseling, I’ve seen how social media affects relationships. We all know it can have adverse effects on our self-esteem , on how we value ourselves, and how we perceive happiness in both our lives and in those around us.

How often have you viewed your friends and assumed they are living perfect lives based on what they share on social media? We all make these upward and downward comparisons because that’s how social media works.

The truth is—this happens all the time—and it’s incredibly dangerous to both our mental health and relationships.

Social media can be a useful tool for connecting with friends and family, but like anything in life, moderation is key, and you need to understand how social media affects you, your relationships , and your life in general.

The Core Problems With Social Media

Social media is an echo chamber that often creates the false illusion that everyone is doing better than you.

After all, your friends are smiling in every picture—their families look so happy, they bought that new car, and everything seems great. But what these people don’t share is the bad moments in life: the everyday struggles, the minor fights, the larger problems in their lives, and more.

Another issue is the permanence of everything we post. Social media may be a fun and engaging environment for many, but for some, it can lead to lost opportunities and termination from their jobs. Everything you say on social media is permanent, even if you delete it. Potential employers, your current spouse, or a future loved one can see everything you’ve ever posted since joining.

One 2013 study found that higher Facebook usage led to negative relationship outcomes. Whatever your thoughts are on social media, there’s no denying that it does impact our relationships significantly.

How Does Social Media Affect Our Relationships?

It Reminds You of Your Past Relationships. Your social media profiles keep you connected to past relationships. You can clearly see everything an ex is doing, which can lead to feelings of jealousy and a general sense of unfulfillment. Comparing yourself to an ex can make your current partner feel unloved and strain your relationship.
Highlights Your Undesirable Behaviors. Breakups and challenges in your relationship aren’t easy to navigate. Relationships are complex, emotions can flare up, and it’s normal to get lost in your feelings. Social media exacerbates this problem by keeping a record of our behaviors and interactions when we’re at our worst.
We Lose Focus on Real Life. Everyone wants to appear to be living that perfect life. But that perfect life isn’t realistic and often isn’t obtainable. A successful relationship requires both individuals to work on the relationship where it matters most—in real life. There is nothing wrong with posting the occasional photo or story, but it should never come at the expense of your partner or the relationship.
It Blurs the Boundaries of Acceptable and Unacceptable. Humans desire to be loved and accepted. We love gratification and acceptance because it makes us feel good. It’s not uncommon for us to post humiliating pictures and videos of friends and family in an effort to obtain likes, shares, and other forms of validation. However, this type of behavior is detrimental to our relationships and can hurt those we love the most.
It’s Really Addictive. Keeping tabs on all our friends and what’s going on in their lives is addicting. It’s the same reason why reality TV is a popular genre. Your relationships can suffer when you spend all of your time browsing social media instead of interacting with your partner.

What’s the Solution to Social Media Toxicity in Your Relationships?

The easiest solution is to disconnect—but that’s not always realistic. Like anything, you need to learn balance. Social media can exist in your relationship. However, you need to set clear boundaries, communicate with your partner, and respect the boundaries that you set.

Communication is the key to any relationship. Through effective communication comes compromise, and through compromise comes the solution.

Are you and your partner struggling in your relationship because of social media? Kathleen Maiman is a registered psychotherapist and certified Imago Relationship therapist who provides individual and couples counseling and specialized relationship retreats .

Contact Kathleen today by calling 403-809-8282 if you’re looking for clarity in your relationship and want to develop a positive framework for approaching and overcoming many of life’s obstacles.

Feeling the Post-Holiday Blues? Give It 6 Months Before Calling It Quits

Thu, 23 Jan 2020 15:23:57 GMT

January is known as “divorce month.” Divorce lawyers see an increase in their flow of phone calls and proceedings in January. Relationship therapists receive more phone calls of couples saying that they are separating and want some assistance in the process.

Why does this seem to always happen in January?

Many people spend time reflecting on their past and their future in December and early January. It comes with the season. It’s not uncommon for people to decide to commence divorce discussions in January as the start of a new year is for many, a time of reflection on their life choices and consideration of future goals. It can be a time to evaluate how to improve on the things that are not working in their lives and commit to better choices.

Think of it as another kind of New Year’s resolution. Some people resolve that the “weight” they want to lose is their spouse. It may also be time to start the process because people, who may have been thinking about it for a while, wanted to make it through the holidays without disrupting the family with discussions of divorce.

Other reasons for the increase are that people had a holiday season that had many disappointments or recurring upsets that may have pushed them over the edge. Something inside of them now says I’m done with this pain! I want a new beginning—a new life without him or her. It’s time for me!

You Can’t Escape Your Own Shortcomings

You can’t divorce yourself.

Even though our culture is supportive of divorce and separation, many people are disillusioned. The reason is, you can’t divorce yourself. As Jon Kabat-Zinn says: “Wherever you go, there you are.”

You will go with “you” into the next relationship or marriage . The “you” that was showing up in the relationship with the poor choices, sad disposition, judgemental attitude, and poor methods of relating will show up in the next relationship.

We often think I will be different when I am not under this amount of burden or stress, when I am free of the toxicity in this relationship. Sure, your partner has a role to play, but only around 50% though.

What about your contribution ? Was your decision to end the relationship offsetting the blame onto your partner, or did you come to the belief that you are not sufficient for relationships, moving into despair, and the why bother phase? Is there a need to work on yourself, being responsible for your own happiness?

With some truth in this—we do need to work on our own happiness and not expect our partner to make us happy. However, one knows that it is much easier to be happy when no one is pushing your buttons on a daily basis.

“Relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness, they bring out the pain and unhappiness that was already in you,” - Eckhart Tolle

Did You Consider Couples Therapy?

The decision to end the relationship often comes to a discussion of divorce, without much consideration of attending couples therapy before calling it quits. Research shows that people will wait six years on average to call a marital therapist when they are having relationship difficulties.

Many people resist couples therapy because of the fact they have to open up old wounds, and there is no guarantee that things will change or resolve. But how can healing happen unless one touches these raw spots?

If unprocessed, those raw spots and their scars will most likely be carried into another relationship and re-open at a future time.

Attending a couples therapy session or two seems to be a last-ditch effort when one person is already “one foot out the door,” boasting “we tried couples therapy.” This short term venture is often associated with the classic “drop off” that many therapists experience. The implicit message: “I am leaving my spouse or partner here with you so you can support them” or the “I’ve already decided, I don’t want to continue this. He/she is your problem now.”

What many don’t consider in the decision-making process of divorce and separation is this question. Have we tried to go to couples counselling more than three times with three different therapists in order to find help for your marriage?

It takes time to find the “right fit” or the “right relationship therapist” that is seasoned and able to help you with your relationship problems. Also, one cannot expect a long-term marriage or relationship to be revitalized in a few sessions. It may have taken you 20 years to create the relationship you are in. Can you really expect new outcomes and learnings to come about so quickly?

It takes 21 days to change a habit, and many habits of disconnection have been reinforced over time, without successful repairs to old injuries and wounds. While stopping the bleeding is an important part of the therapy process at the beginning, the underlying deeper childhood issues may be getting in the way along with the attitudes and beliefs about relationships.

It just takes time to uncover and peel back the layers. This is why we say: give it six months with an all-out full effort before you call it quits. Turn over each of the heavy rocks and stones before leaving the relationship.

Relationships Need a Healthy Approach and Time

Another factor in the “six months before you call it quits” is to exclude all people that are not in support of your reconciliation. It is the human experience to recruit others to “our side” when we are hurt. We all want to feel validated and soothed, especially when we are in pain.

It is human nature to listen to friends, family, and associates—those that will ally with our hurts. These allies are less inclined to offer insight into the potential of growth and the possibility of change. A good couples therapist is biased for your relationship. They will validate each of you while holding space, helping you to find ways to heal and re-connect.

Disconnected people don’t create a healthy relationship. That’s why learning skills for self-soothing in the face of challenges and difficulties, while staying connected to one another is a skill set we all need to learn. Practicing these skills over and over again takes time, energy, and commitment.

For the “do it yourselfers” (the ones that don’t go to therapy) conclude: “I’ve put the effort, and it hasn’t changed. So, now I am ready to leave.”

In my experience, the methods most often tried are counterproductive. For example, criticizing a partner to change their ways or not talking about their hurts in a constructive way, to name a few. We all have blind spots, and most of us have little idea of our impact on our partner. We become more focused on the pain and defending the pain versus trying to find a solution or a way through it.

With good therapy, one is committed to their “own growth” and making positive changes to the relationship. This is often very rewarding and victorious—however, not easy. The easy way is to blame your partner while not giving the supportive environment required for positive change to happen.

Eliminate the “D” Word From Your Vocabulary

Another factor in the six months before you call it quits is taking the threat of divorce off the table during that time. When couples fight, some will bring up the “D” word in order to get their partner to stop their behaviour or alleviate some of the pain they are in. Unfortunately, putting forth a threat of “I am leaving, or I’ll leave you if this doesn’t change” undermines the relationship.

A partner will not show up and be vulnerable if they know that the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath them any time soon. It is like being in an audition, a “crazy-making” and destabilizing experience. To have a real, working full-out effort, removal of the threat is necessary. This lets our brains relax, offering the potential for a more intimate connection.

Many people think “six months is too long! I’ve suffered this long; I can’t do another six months. I just want out.”

Research shows that many couples who engage in divorce proceedings come from a low despair place versus a conscious place. Unprocessed hurt and disappointment has a low destructive energy and breeds bad vibes for the ending of the relationship as well as a new beginning of living separate lives.

Kids can get caught in the middle of the power struggle, which can split them, having to choose a parent to be loyal to. So, given this, wouldn’t you want to give it a full six months before you call it quits? Seeking to understand what went wrong in the marriage gives you the possibility to see a new future either together or apart that comes from an amicable place of well-being and respect.

Yes, it takes courage not to follow the divorce route. You may find some hidden treasures in this process of therapy and self-discovery, allowing you to leave some old baggage behind for a new beginning.

Of course, an evaluation at the end of six months is necessary. Do we try for another period of time, or do we call it quits? As hard as ending relationships is, most couples will be satisfied that we gave it an “all-out effort.”

A clear conscious decision then can be made, while fully taking in what it means to leave the relationship in an honourable and respectful way. More than likely, the hurtful baggage won’t follow you in the next relationship, and you will be more prepared for the future. Having more knowledge about yourself and what it takes to be in partnership just makes sense. It creates the path for a more enlightened and fulfilling future for all.

Love of Attraction Couples Therapy: Your Six Months Start Today

Are you interested in giving six months a try for your relationship? My couples therapy is designed to help you understand the strengths of weaknesses of your relationship through an empathetic approach.

Kathleen Maiman is a Registered psychotherapist and a certified Imago relationship therapist. Contact her today by calling 403-809-8282 to see how the six month plan can help you save your relationship.

Remove Negativity From your Relationship

Wed, 11 Dec 2019 18:31:35 GMT

Hurtful words in a relationship can be like a drop of red dye in a glass of water that turns the whole glass pink. What starts out as a slip of tongue, a small slight from one person to another, sets a process in motion that slowly (or quickly) permeates a relationship and begins to define its tone.

It's easy to think criticism is a constructive process—one member of a relationship feels that they know the other in and out, and in making "suggestions" for how they might change or improve, they are merely helping them overcome their flaws and deficiencies.

"You're a handsome man," she might say, "but wouldn't you rather wear a dress shirt than those ratty T-shirts?"

He might say, "You're always blabbing to your friends on the phone, you should be quiet—read a book or something."

Sometimes this works. Perhaps the other person abides the advice and adjusts the behavior to make you happy. Other times this doesn't work: "If she doesn't like my clothes, I'm going to wear the outfits she hates most."

Criticism may not always take the form of words. It can be a touch, a glare, an eye roll, or two hands thrown up in the air. However it comes out, the message is that one person is superior and the other inferior. One person is up, the other person is down. It's an unpleasant feeling for the person down, a feeling that has its roots in the animal-like parts of our brain that’s sometimes referred to as our "lizard brain."

Harsh words can induce a feeling of anxiety. Anxiety, at its roots, is the nervous system responding to a stimulus of danger—the fight or flight response. The response of the criticized person also takes one of these forms: They may slink away, play dead in a submissive posture, or take on the accuser by fighting back.

Whether criticism is phrased in a gentle way or a cruel way, it comes from the same place of judgment. Unconsciously, the critic believes that their opinion is the "only" correct one. The way he or she looks at the world is the only reasonable way to see it, and if the partner, on some level, differs, they must have no sense, or taste—in fact, they're crazy! The other person, in a way, ceases to be a person, and is instead an object to be molded into the critic's (sane) way of looking at the world.

That said, a relationship without dialogue, without one person being able to express a concern, is also an unhealthy place. Suppressed thoughts and feelings lead to passive-aggressive behavior, or to the gradual dissolution of affection for one another.

The path out of this relational trap is to first take on an approach of zero negativity: for both parties to commit absolutely to refraining from put-downs and negative comments and behaviors. It's imperative that both members of a couple make a strict commitment to this approach. Not just temporarily, but always. In a particularly unhealthy relationship, this might, in fact, mean that both people have nothing to say to each other for a long period of time. In this case, the dynamic between the partners has become so toxic, so stuck in a loop of one-up, one-down behavior that it's violated both members' feelings of trust and safety.

Ultimately, though, all committed relationships contain a seed, no matter how small it may seem, of meaningful love and affection. Even if the approach of zero negativity leads to, essentially, a vow of silence, eventually the mantle of fear will dissipate and both parties will find the warmth toward each other that they once had. They will find things to say that are neutral and eventually positive. As the activated fear in the lizard brain diminishes, both people will begin to feel safe with one another, which is the primary and most important foundation of a healthy relationship.

The zero negativity approach doesn't imply that partners shouldn't be allowed to express concerns or desires for behavioral change in a relationship. It's all about the way it's presented. A hurtful comment out of nowhere or passive-aggressive put down is unacceptable. But one phrased carefully and delicately can lead to the desired effect.

One way to frame a safe conversation is to start with a statement like: "I'm having a hard time with something, and I want to share it with you. Is now a good time to talk?"

If it's not a good time for the other person to hear this, the requester must accept it. But the other person must also offer a time he or she would be more open to hearing your concerns. Knowing that you are going to express something critical takes away the element of surprise and defensiveness in the other person, and allows you to state your concern in a thought out, gentle way. It makes it much more likely that they will be willing to compromise and come closer to your side of the fence.

This is the second step in creating a healthy, constructive environment for change. But again, the very first step is zero negativity. It's a rule that's easy to remember but may be difficult to follow at first. In time, you'll begin to notice all the ways you were being unconsciously critical—making jokes at the other's expense, speaking negatively about them to others, thinking passive-aggressive thoughts. This awareness itself can motivate change.

I challenge you to give it a try—not a word, not a comment, not a glance in a negative direction.

How To Navigate (And Survive) The Holidays With Your Partner

Wed, 11 Dec 2019 14:18:44 GMT

The holidays can be a stressful time for you and your loved one, especially if you have kids. From traveling to visit relatives to picking up last-minute gifts, you’ve got a lot on your mind during the holiday season.

Not surprisingly, all this added weight on your shoulders can lead to anxiety, stress, and depression. Sometimes, you end up taking out your frustration on your partner. It’s not uncommon for couples this time of year to fight, as stressors reach an all-time high.

Holidays are supposed to be a way to strengthen your relationship and not damage it. While everything that happens can have an impact on your life, remember that the holidays are only temporary and will pass. It’s more important that you keep up the strong foundation you and your partner have worked so hard to build.

Understand what parts of the holiday are impacting your well-being and how you’re responding to these difficulties. I’ve written this post to show you how to build up your relationship over the holidays rather than strain it. Here are a few tips I have for you.

3 Tips to Help You Be a Better Partner Over the Holidays

Focus on these three aspects of maintaining a relationship through stressful times: communication, setting expectations, and being empathetic.

1. Communication Is Key

Communication is the foundation of any secure relationship, and that rule is no different during the holidays. The idea of spending money, visiting relatives, and maintaining a busy schedule can stress you and your partner out.

Also, insecurities may pop up during the holiday seasons when it comes to any of these activities. You might disagree over gift-giving practices or believe your partner is spending too much time with one side of the family’s relatives than the other. Know how to communicate your concerns clearly.

Communication is the best tool you have to ensure that you both understand each other. Your partner should know why you feel a certain way so that you can determine an empathetic approach rooted in compromise.

2. Set Your Expectations Early On

Holiday activities can be expensive. While we all want to give gifts, it’s not uncommon to feel pressured into giving gifts when we don’t have the means to do so. Before the holidays start, you and your partner should talk about expectations.

Lay a framework for what you plan to spend, who you plan to spend it on, and who you’ll visit to develop a better understanding of how things will go.

Discussing these tricky topics early will help you to avoid challenging situations later that may catch your partner off guard.

3. Be Empathetic During the Holidays

Successful relationships require an empathetic approach . The rush of the holidays can bring out different behaviours in you and your partner. It’s in times like these where empathy reigns supreme. Try to understand why your partner is feeling a specific way. Someone may feel flustered during this time because:

They feel like you spend more time with your family than theirs.
They’re still upset about a traumatic experience from the past.
They’re not that interested in the holidays.

Whatever the reason, understand that everybody has their own approach to this busy time of the year. Don’t sweat the small details and think extensively about whether the incident you’re fighting about will even matter in a few days. If not, then it isn’t worth fighting about, so focus on enjoying your time together.

Conclusion

Are you and your partner feeling stressed about the upcoming holiday season?

Consider setting up a consultation to improve your existing relationship for the holiday season and the coming new year. We can help you and your partner understand the problems you’re experiencing and develop an empathetic approach to overcoming these conflicts.

The Love of Attraction offers a variety of couples counselling and retreats that are designed to strengthen your relationship.

Get in touch with us today by calling 403-809-8282 or to learn more about the couples’ retreats , counselling, and other relationship services.

Have a safe and connected holiday season.

Couples Counselling 101: 4 Ways to Be a Better Partner

Thu, 14 Nov 2019 17:49:49 GMT

Many people seek couples counselling to try and understand how they can be a better partner. A relationship is more than just two people being together—it’s a commitment to being there for each other, working together through challenging times, and cherishing another person’s company.

But relationships can falter when that strong bond is neglected for one reason or another. Whether someone isn’t aware of how their actions are affecting their partner or a poor work-life balance is straining the relationship, it’s important to take the time to understand different ways you can be a better partner.

1. Develop a Good Sleeping Schedule

Getting a good night’s sleep is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves. When we’re rested, we’re better able to handle the daily challenges we face in our relationship. Sleep affects more than just your energy levels too. It impacts your mental alertness, mood, hunger, and glucose levels.

Bad sleeping habits can make you more irritable, emotional, and unable to cope with even the most basic tasks.

Everyone’s sleeping schedule is different. What’s important is that you figure out the right amount of sleep for you to feel rested.

2. Listen to What Your Partner Has to Say

Sometimes your partner just wants to be heard. This is even truer in relationships where one partner feels the other doesn’t listen enough.

You don’t have to agree with what someone says, but the simple fact that you’re listening to them and letting them vent their frustrations is what matters.

Remember, we all have our own unique approach to life. What works for you may not work for someone else. Try taking an empathetic approach to your relationship. Accept that your partner is different, that their approach may not work for you, and acknowledge that those differences are okay.

Relationships are built on compromise and understanding.

3. Show Appreciation (No Matter How Small)

It’s easy to get caught in the motions of a relationship. Simple tasks quickly become part of our routine, and we lose focus on the fact that someone has to complete them.

Each partner in a relationship will usually assume certain roles and duties. Showing a little appreciation can show your partner that you value what they are doing.

Saying thank you for something as small as arranging the wet winter boots after a long day can go a long way and make your partner feel appreciated.

Showing gratitude is linked to positive partner perceptions and is something that more couples could benefit from.

4. Focus on Spending Quality Time Together

One of the biggest complaints I hear during couples counselling is that partners don’t spend quality time together.

One partner will suggest that they do, while the other will say that it wasn’t a meaningful experience. Many couples think any time spent together is good. But taking a quantity-based approach may not be the best choice.

If you are planning to spend time together, focus on making sure it’s a quality experience. Find an activity that you both enjoy—that way—it will feel rewarding for both partners.

It’s okay to take part in your partner’s hobbies, but like anything in life, participation should be balanced for both partners.

Looking for the Answers to Your Relationship? Couples Counselling Can Help

Love of Attraction was founded by Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist Kathleen Maiman to help couples analyze their relationships on the path to self-discovery.

Are you interested in couples counselling or attending one of our couples retreats? Please contact us today at 403.809.8282 to learn more.

We Don’t Grow When we Avoid Difficult and Awkward Relationship Experiences

Thu, 14 Nov 2019 13:55:21 GMT

How grown-up are you in your relationships? Each of us has a part of us that doesn’t want to grow up. This could be referred to as the adaptive part of ourselves or the “pretend” adult. The adaptive part is like a child in adult clothes and can change according to what the environment is or what is acceptable in the group.

Another part is the “solid” adult part of ourselves, which has inner convictions and changes from within. It can respond with thoughtful examination of the facts, rather than relationship pressure to conform.

When we are not aware of the “pretend” adult, it can wreak havoc on the system as well as our relationships, thus stagnating the potential for growth.

How Do We Learn About Ourselves?

Engage in those awkward relationship experiences instead of moving away. By distancing ourselves, the internal pressure may ease off but we miss out on the growth that is trying to happen.

Many couples try to keep the peace and avoid changing the status quo, by falling into a pattern where one is frustrated and the other has no initiative. The other complains that their partner has become bossy and controlling. This is a dynamic of one who is over-functioning and the other who is under-functioning.

Equality in this relationship is lost over time. It becomes a hostile or dead relationship. In this pattern, both blame each other without taking responsibility for their contribution. These patterns are co-created and part of a system that is trying to be outgrown.

What the individual can change is the part they're playing in it. By standing in the heat of the growth and noticing what is happening internally and remaining calm and connected, you can take the opportunity to expand into a mature part of yourself.

If you recognize – Oh I am always mind reading in my partnership. I’m always guessing what I think my partner needs without asking them, this is not helping develop an intimate connection. Therefore work on asking your spouse what they think, what their thoughts are, rather than always taking the lead.

For the other – if you recognize that you wait for your spouse to make all the decisions, you may be developing some deep seated resentment, and blaming your partner without taking the initiative or lead on your behalf. Thus hold yourself accountable, hey I’m a separate person and my thoughts, opinions and desires are valid. Making yourself known and revealing yourself without aggression is a move towards a balanced equal partnership.

Be a co-leader in your relationship, have more fun being curious and revealing yourselves to one another. This leads to more intimacy and foundation for a healthy secure base. And remember that relationships really push us to maturity.

Here is a handy checklist for aspiring grown-ups:

Don't let your feelings dominate
Refrain from blame
Accept people have different views
Be responsible for solving your own problems
Hold onto your values and principles
See the bigger picture

It takes effort, and you can learn how to have any equal partnership and grow up. Participate in an upcoming weekend retreat or set up a therapy session and gain the skills, knowledge and awareness to do this.

Counselling Requests on the Rise in Calgary—What Does This Mean?

Thu, 24 Oct 2019 13:02:14 GMT

Many Canadians are affected by mental health in some form. Whether it’s directly or indirectly through a family member, an estimated 1 in 5 people will experience a mental health problem.

Today, our lives are busier than they have ever been. Canadians are working longer, harder, and they are feeling the strain. The Internet, social media, and the pressure of daily life is taking its toll. Add to that the dangerous work-life balance that many Canadians have, and it’s clear why an increasing number of people are starting to seek help for their depression.

Depression is something that many people are aware of, but few understand how difficult it can be to cope with. In Calgary alone, counselling requests are up 14.5% this year. While 93% of those with mood or anxiety disorders take prescriptions, 20% haven’t received any type of formal counseling to help them cope.

“September alone, compared to last September, we saw a 47% increase in requests,” said Calgary Counselling Centre CEO Dr. Robbie Babins-Wagner.

“We don’t know if that’s just a blip or the beginning of a trend.”

Self-diagnosing depression is extremely challenging and best left to a professional. Even though you may think your symptoms are minor, they could be part of a larger problem that is affecting your wellbeing.

What Causes Depression?

Depression comes in a variety of forms. The most common causes of depression include:

Abuse and Trauma . Individuals who were abused at some point in their life may experience depression related to their trauma.
Specific Medications . Certain medications and the chemicals found within them can increase your chances of becoming depressed.
Death or Loss . Losing a loved one, friend, or colleague does impact your mental health and can trigger depression.
Genetics. Certain people are more likely to become depressed due to their genetic makeup.
Large Milestones . Major events can trigger stress, anxiety, and depression as an individual may feel overwhelmed by the severity of the event.
Substance Abuse . Drugs can increase your chances of becoming depressed even if they allow you to temporarily mask it.

Do You Think You Have Depression? Get Tested Today

Everyone experiences depression differently. One person may feel pessimistic and hopeless, while another turns to food as the answer. Depression can even affect your relationships with your significant other, family, and those who you are closest with.

What’s important is that you get tested, so you can better understand how depression is affecting your relationships and life.

The Calgary Counselling Centre offers a depression test that people can anonymously use. The test can help you identify your symptoms—and provides you with useful resources that you can use to understand how depression is impacting you.

Love of Attraction also offers individual counseling for anyone that is looking to understand and overcome past frustrations and pain.

Are you looking for something a little more hands-on? Our couples and singles retreats are a great way for you to pursue positive change when it comes to depression and your relationships.

You’re not alone in your struggle, and counselling can make a difference in your life. Don’t be afraid to seek out help if you are struggling with depression. Get in touch with registered psychotherapist and certified Imago relationship therapist Kathleen Maiman today!

4 Brutal Truths Why You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back

Fri, 11 Oct 2019 16:27:44 GMT

Love is blissful when it’s reciprocated, but what if it isn’t? As much as we may wish it to be otherwise, some people may not want to be with us in the way we want them to be with them.

Reasons Why You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You

This is awfully difficult for some people to accept. Why do some people continue to pursue someone who’s not interested in them?

1. You’re projecting what you want to be true.

Projection is a term that’s often used in psychology to describe the ways in which we tend to see things in another person that don’t apply to them. Often, these imagined qualities carry the weight of our own unlived dreams, abilities, and impulses. In old fairy-tales, projection was depicted by pixie dust or other sorts of magic that would charm less fortunate characters.

In real life, projections operate more strongly when we are admiring a person from a distance. We don’t get to see the “flaws” that would become more obvious if we were to live with the person day-to-day.

2. You actually like the drama.

Some people become addicted to the feeling of “the chase.” It can become so intoxicating that they prefer the pain of unrequited love to the sacrifices involved in a real relationship. The fantasy fueled by the chase becomes more important than its fulfillment. The culmination of a love relationship can bring us back to a sobering sense of reality. The glamour fades and mundane life sets in again.

This is the appeal of unrequited love is for some people. If they prolong “the chase,” then they don’t have to face the anticlimactic sense of coming down off of the romantic high. Continuing to pursue—or agonize over—someone who doesn’t love us in return can keep us tortured yet fascinated. It stimulates high drama, providing the ideal antidote to any boredom that may be lurking around in our lives.

3. You have a fear of intimacy.

However, the urge to stir up an otherwise mundane existence is not the only motivation that people may have for chasing after a person who doesn’t return their affections. Some people make a habit of avoiding real love as a way of protecting themselves. They shy away so they won’t get hurt. Prolonging the search for love—in this case, pursuing it when it’s unrequited—becomes a way of keeping the sensation of being in love without the risk.

Chasing after the impossible person turns into a kind of bargain through which we satisfy our longing for connection and our need to protect our vulnerable feelings at the same time. Remaining fixated upon someone who doesn’t love us in return allows us to feel some of the intensity and passion involved in an affair without the risk of commitment—because deep inside we know that this chase will never really lead to an actual relationship. The object of our affections remains always just beyond reach.

4. You’re stuck in the past.

There are a myriad of reasons why someone may want to avoid the reality of intimacy in their lives.

It can involve painful experiences and disappointments from the past.
It can reflect the negative impact of sexual and/or emotional abuse.
It can even be a by-product of peoples’ inborn sensitivity, which drives them to long for closeness while at the same time fearing the upheavals that powerful emotional attachment can bring.

Any of these conditions can lend a situation involving unrequited love a kind of allure. Caught in its painful cycle, we can taste passion without being swept away by it. We can nurture our desires by always keeping ourselves one step away from fulfilling them.

What to Do if You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back

If you’re pining over someone who is not returning your love, I urge you not to waste your time anymore. If you really desire a relationship, remember that it will not happen without two people having the same feelings at the same time. It’s difficult but necessary to take a look at yourself to know what is holding you back from finding love. Take a risk, be vulnerable, and take a chance on real (and reciprocated) love. There is nothing like having a partner to share your life with whom you can count on, is emotionally available to you, and more than willing to love you back.

Take a deeper look into yourself or heal some of the past wounds and injuries with your partner at one of our upcoming Singles/Individuals Weekend Retreats or a Couples Weekend Retreat this November.

Get the Love You Want!

All I had to do was Listen

Thu, 01 Aug 2019 17:45:30 GMT

Having a degree in Engineering certainly taught me how to solve problems. It’s pretty simple: here are the inputs, here is the equation, compute and bingo, problem solved. After years of this kind of training it’s fair to say that problem solving is my forte.

However, when it came to relationships, things were not as I had expected. When my partner had a problem, I had a solution. When I didn’t have all the facts, I’d make ‘reasonable' assumptions. I then pondered why my perfectly good solution wasn't received with open arms? Why wasn’t gratitude and appreciation for a job well done not flowing my way? It was during my engineering days.

I would hear things like ‘You don’t understand’, ‘I don’t need fixing’, ‘Can’t you just listen?’ In my mind, the input variables are clearly understood, the solution is simple….so why am I getting this response? I couldn’t help feeling unappreciated, misunderstood, confused and frustrated. As you can imagine, this now left both of us feeling disconnected and miserable.

Then I was introduced to Imago Relationship Therapy after a number of relationship failures spanning a considerable number of years. I started to get a glimpse into this conundrum. It’s rather simple. Listen and validate and empathize. That’s it. What? Just listen? No problem solving? Impossible! That doesn’t make sense to a brain that has spent years figuring out how to solve challenges.

Yet it’s true. Many times the ‘problem’ isn’t really what we think it is. The real ‘problem’ is that my partner doesn’t feel me there with her facing whatever the issue is. By immediately going into problem solving mode I bypass this important step of really connecting with her. And from this place of connection, the issue can be addressed much more effectively with a positive outcome.

The analytical part of my mind still balks at this but I’ve learned to ignore it in favor of preserving the relationship with listening, validating and empathizing with my partner, especially when she is in distress. Important: Validating your partner does not mean agreeing with them. It simply means that you are willing to step into another’s point of view, nothing more.

It will take time and effort to establish this new way of responding to your partner. It did for me. Your ‘problem solver’ will try to sneak in here and there with predictable results. But regardless, doing so will lead to more connection, fewer disagreements and an end to unpleasant interactions.

To learn more about validation and other actionable tools to help you stay connected and happy, join us at our “Getting the Love You Want” Couples Weekend Retreat. This was life-transforming for both of us in helping us get the love we wanted.

Change your perspective – change the outcome

Fri, 07 Jun 2019 15:00:10 GMT

When a couple gets into their dance of disconnection, often what arises is the same old, same old. We see the same cue, same image of our partner and we respond with the same reactivity. Does this sound familiar?

When feeling hurt, let down or disappointed, our view point becomes self-focused and limited. Have you ever noticed? We focus on our pain and what someone did to cause this pain. Next, thought is: they shouldn’t have done this to me. They don’t love me, or they don’t respect me. If they loved me or respected me, this wouldn’t happen. And the well-oiled mental image arises and we move into states of despair and helplessness. Followed by thoughts of, I guess I have to lower my expectations if I want to stay in this or I must leave the relationship because it is toxic.

The conclusion: “ there is something wrong with my partner, something wrong with me for staying or something wrong with my relationship.”

Sound familiar? What is this based on? An image and a judgement of who or what our partner is? I often hear a partner say: “he is an angry person, or a narcissist, or she’s crazy”. Coming from pain, this is a limited view and the person believes they are right. Then their partner must be managed instead of taking responsibility to look into one’s perspective on the situation.

What also makes this worse, is that we get more of the same from our partner when doing the same thinking and responding.

We are unaware of our impact and how it contributes to the demise or the disconnection in the relationship.

Human nature is such that when we are angry, we tend to become so emotionally reactive to what the other person is doing to us that we lose our ability to observe our own part in the interaction. Self – observation is not at the same as self-blame….self-observation is the process of seeing the interaction of ourselves and others, and recognize that the ways other people behave with us have something to do with the way we think and behave about them. We cannot make another be different, but we can do something different ourselves so that the old pattern can no longer continue as usual.

Having said this, we are so tied to our disappointment and feelings of hurt that we don’t even see when our partner does something different. We don’t’ see that our negative bias or our pessimism may be contributing to our partner not changing. Perhaps it is a big deal for the partner to stretch into a new behaviour that is being asked….When they do it, do you notice they did it or again are you focusing on the pain and the hurt of all the times they disappointed you? Have you asked your partner for something they can do to reassure you? Have you given some grace to your partner being able to make changes with a possibility that they might fall back into their own behaviour. Do you praise or prize them when you see them do it?

In the end, to build a foundation of connection, curiosity is key versus holding onto our painful hurts and images. Ask yourself, what image am I seeing about my partner? What am I telling myself, that is reinforcing this image? Given, this – how can I hold a different image of understanding and empathy and respond differently to have a different outcome?

Misery Stabilizers in a Relationship – What are yours?

Tue, 19 Mar 2019 13:42:33 GMT

What is a misery stabilizer? It is a behaviour or activity that helps us avoid, deny, distract or move away from pain within ourselves or in our relationships. Since pain or vulnerability is uncomfortable, we might choose a “misery stabilizer” because it is pleasurable. What is your favourite activity or pleasure that keeps you from facing a relational issue? Is it Netflix, Facebook, your phone, shopping, kids, friends, gambling, reading, sleeping, cleaning, exercise, food, hobbies, prescription drugs, alcohol, sexual compulsivity, or “busyness”?

Why are they harmful? They may stabilize your relationship; however, keep you from the opportunity of intimacy or deep engagement. If you want more passion and connection flowing in your relationship, you and your partner need to remove the crutches that hold in you in inertia.

John and Mary have had a long term relationship. Mary likes her job a lot. In fact, she could be at her desk 24/7 doing the real estate deals that she loves. She enjoys meeting the potential buyers, taking the folks to different homes, watching their faces light up as they describe their experiences going through the homes. With all that excitement and enthusiasm, she spends her time at the office and with the other real estate agents drawing up contracts and closing deals. She is filled with fulfillment and satisfaction of happy families moving in their new homes. This is her professional life and she loves it.

Mary has been spending more and more time focusing on her work life than at home. When she is at home, she is reminded of her poor sex life. Her husband John doesn’t touch her like he used to. In fact, he has been going through some depression. He was let go a year ago due to a downsizing of his company. Unfortunately, John is overqualified for the many positions that he has applied for and feels useless in the world and at home. Unable to offer much provision for his family, he spends a few pleasurable hours a day playing tennis. He has always loved tennis and is good at it. The sport gets his endorphins ignited, while experiencing the positive feelings of something he can excel at. When focused on tennis, he is not thinking about how much he feels like a failure within himself and around his wife.

John’s tennis partner is a woman. They have known each other for years. She was married to another fellow that used to play tennis with John. They are now going through a divorce. After her and John play their usual round, they meet for coffee and she shares the updates on her divorce proceedings, all the messiness, sorrow, and confusion. John can relate to her on some level at this time of his life. Because of the basic need for human connection, they form a bond. He tells her about his innermost world and she listens and empathizes. She commiserates on her challenges and he offers support. They are connected.

So, what are the misery stabilizers in this couple? Mary’s misery stabilizer is her work. She receives numerous accolades and fulfillment with her clients and work experiences. She is avoiding the pain and loneliness of not being in a fun, positive relationship with John. His sad, morose, complaining demeanor registers as a cue for danger in her nervous system. This brings up a feeling of discomfort within. She has little tolerance for anything negative in her outer or inner environment. In her early childhood, if she were sad, her parents immediately dismissed her feelings of sadness and said, “Oh it’s not that bad”. Any negative feelings were denied or suppressed. Trying to always be positive, they claimed that pain and suffering were a ‘waste of time’ and encouraged her to focus on her achievements. High achievers themselves, she learned from them to move away from negative feelings and focus on something pleasurable.

John had a parent who was depressed, his mother. She coped with life by drinking alcohol. John grew up in home of feeling neglected and ignored. As a child, he learned from his mother to look for something on the outside to mask and soothe the pain. Craving attention as a kid, he carries this unmet need and low self-esteem into his adulthood. John’s drug of choice is an outside relationship when dealing with uncomfortable feelings. With Mary spending more time at work, his feelings of neglect, loneliness, and unworthiness are triggered. His tennis partner gives him attention, and then he feels comfortable and okay. However, it doesn’t resolve his situation with Mary, as it is a diversion from her. Not revealing to Mary all of his intimate conversations that he is having with his tennis partner is a recipe for an “emotional affair” potentially leading to a sexual affair. Ultimately, this could cause more harm, hurt and betrayal in the future.

As we can see, misery stabilizers contribute to the creation of an “Invisible Divorce”. Even though the misery stabilizers make the situation a little more bearable and comfortable, they don’t offer a great connected relationship. Taking a stance to turn around, face a partner and deal with the misery in the relationship requires courage and commitment. Talking about the truth of ones’ innermost feelings with each other in a respectful, loving and constructive way is key!

If you are serious about changing a relationship, you will need to cut back altogether or stop anything that emotionally removes you from the reality of it. Putting away the diversions, turning around and facing your partner may not be easy, but you will be happy that you did.

Take Back your Marriage/Relationship

Mon, 22 Oct 2018 04:00:00 GMT

In our current culture, we live in a consumer society. If my car or outfit doesn’t meet my needs, then I discard it or trade it in for a new one. For many of us, we do the same thing in our marriages and relationships. We focus on getting our needs met and if that doesn’t work, then we conclude “We are not compatible”, “I picked the wrong person”, or “There is someone better out there for me (ie someone more like me)”. This leads us to believe that our happiness depends on our marriage and our partner and if we are not happy, there is something wrong with either of them”. With these kinds of perceptions and attitudes, we come into relationships with expectations to have our partner make us happy and fulfill our needs. We believe we are entitled to it. This is quite the set up!

Our culture also thrives on improvement and bettering our status. So when the relationship isn’t turning out the way we expect it to be, we begin to make threats and gestures to ending it, finally withdrawing our efforts.

Where does this leave us in our society?

There are many families with kids coming from divorced parents or partners who now have had the infamous “starter marriage”. Being a cultural norm, partners discard one another early, accepting the notion of divorce, and hoping for a “happier version” in their next relationship.

As a result, people are moving into more complex and challenging situations such as co-parenting from different houses, thus impacting our sense of connectedness with each other, our kids and society. With this consumer mindset, what are we teaching our kids? What kind of relationship values are we holding for ourselves and society? (Please note: if there are ongoing affairs, abuse/violence and active addictions in a marriage/relationship….I am not suggesting partners stay together. These are catastrophic conditions for a relationship and are not sustainable or possible to thrive in. They often need a supportive intervention).

For the more common situations in marriages and relationships, there are many resources for partners/families to get help before calling it quits. Counselling in this era is much more prevalent and available. As well, there is an abundance of relationship educational and experiential workshops and retreats. Decades before, one would stay married or together because of financial reasons or dependency reasons. Staying together for the kids was another common reason. All the while, knowing that the parents were staying together for the kids, the house was full of resentment and tension. Today many parents remember these feelings they felt growing up in their tension-filled family homes, and want nothing to do with this. So, with the first sign of discontent, adults quit early as they are capable of having their own careers and managing their finances.

So, back to getting married. “Why do we get married”? For many of us, it is the Consumer Attitude. We get married to have someone make us happy! When folks have this mindset, they give up when the going gets tough, often done prematurely without seeking appropriate help. Research says that people will call a divorce lawyer before speaking to a marriage counsellor and will typically not go to a marriage counsellor for an average of 6 years. They utilize their own angles and strategies on their own with its inherent defaults. For some, they might get the courage to enter into individual counselling. Now, having someone who is biased for them and receiving validation for their feelings, it confirms their desire to leave and the status quo, “I should be happy”.

What is often necessary and scarier for couples is admitting the pain in the marriage and entering into a marriage counselling office. Many will do when they are “one foot” out the door, thus boasting “we tried marriage counselling”. Being a short lived experience, the results are of little benefit due to the lack of commitment at looking at their own perceptions of marriage and changing themselves.

So what are some of reasons that people give for the downfall of their marriage. We grew further and further apart! Well, I see this as a consequence of society and our misguided focus. We put more effort into our kids’ activities, our job performance and success, our fitness and bodies, ipads and smartphones, Facebook and Instagram; all at a cost of having less time and focus on our relationship. When we do show up at the end of all it, we are exhausted after giving so much to our jobs and kids, outside endeavours, and have little for the other. Then the stance: “what can you do for me”? Frustration in both partners builds. Both feeling unfulfilled in having their needs met in conjunction with the expectations on the other to fulfill those needs, we turn towards “outside” pleasures: Netflix, Facebook or an attractive member of the opposite sex. Thoughts may stir towards leaving the relationship…“Surely there is someone else who wants to fulfill my needs” or “I will focus on getting my own needs met ….at least I can make myself happy”.

In other situations, couples create “in house separations” or “invisible divorces”. Their relationships lack emotional connection, understanding and empathy of each other. On the outside, they look like they are playing the part of togetherness while inside both parties are resentful and demoralized.

Could there be a remedy for all this unhappiness? Yes, take back your marriage or relationship”. Put the focus on: “what does your relationship need from each of you vs. what are we are not getting”.

One of the most difficult things for humans is change. To look at ourselves and change ourselves. Changing the other is futile and impossible. However, changing ourselves may include changing the perception of the situation/other, and our attitude and behaviours. If one takes the focus off what the other is doing or not doing and looks inward at our own contribution to the demise or care of relationship, we might discover something. How safe of a partner am I? Do I turn away from my partner when they are in distress? How loved/cared do I make my partner feel? Do I look for things wrong with my partner versus what is right? Do I offer my love and appreciation in the form of declarations and affection or do I keep protected and guarded waiting for them to show up and initiate a bid for connection? Do I reveal what is really important or do I shove it under the carpet?

I often see couples falling into a dynamic that is easily treatable with awareness and change. The pursuer-distancer dynamic is very common in couples. When either party becomes distressed, one may retreat to soothing themselves and protecting their vulnerability and the other may pursue with demands, hoping to have their contact needs met – also covering up their vulnerability. In order to be in relationship, focusing on what we can change is the key to success, versus waiting for the other to change. Perhaps taking an emotional risk and verbalize, “I feel sacred when you move away from me” or “I feel overwhelmed and ashamed when you criticize me”. If the other is invested and committed to looking at what they bring to relationship and offering a safe, secure base, then he or she will respond with compassionate engagement. This correction in the dance of intimacy can be the crucible moment for a couple to return to a place of connection and safety.

Hence, learning about oneself and discovering each other in relationship is what marriage and relationship provides. Becoming a safe place for each other to grow into maturity without threats of leaving and divorce can foster a place of learning and growth. Moving from expectation and entitlement to curiosity of what your relationship needs is the first step to seeing what is possible. Take back your marriage or relationship means to look at it with “new eyes”, moving from the “Me to We”.

How to Get out of the Disconnection Dance

Wed, 08 Jun 2016 04:00:00 GMT

If you want to get out of the disconnection dance, blame and withdrawal are two behaviours that won’t allow this to happen. Even though both of these coping strategies are somewhat effective in giving space and being self-protective, they both lead to distancing and can trigger the other partner making the cycle worse. Moving away from each other is not the solution. Being more exposed, vulnerable and open (ie taking risks) leads to connection.

What is difficult for partners in relationship is taking risks, being open and more vulnerable. Blaming and withdrawing are easier and self-protecting. We learned these in our early days in childhood. Most of us learned these behaviours as they served us on some level. To be invisible could avoid punishment or to blame, (ie point the fault towards a sibling) also avoided punishment or pain. Wired in to avoid pain, these strategies can have a more adverse effect in relationships. When using these avoidance patterns they don’t allow you to take responsibility for your feelings nor do they invite you to reach for your partner for closeness or connection.

To avoid pain, evolution has also wired in another reason to not risk reaching for another when there is “risk of rejection”. What if we did reach for our partner, risk and be open and vulnerable and we are rejected or abandoned. These underlying fears are the crucibles to keep the blaming and withdrawal behaviours alive in our primary and most intimate relationships. To risk and to be rejected is synonymous to “death”. Brain scans show us that rejection is registered and experienced in the brain as if we were physically hit by a 2’x4’. The pain registers the same.

Turning away or not being there for someone when they most need the comfort and closeness is also painful. For example, a woman discovers she is having a miscarriage and her partner doesn’t know what to do when he sees the blood. He freaks out when she calls him. Instead of going towards her, he leaves to calm his nerves and goes into task mode, ie calls the hospital and taxi. In her most vulnerable moment, he moves away from her, and she feels rejected. What happens next is: she makes a decision, “I will never allow myself to need you that much again” and she shuts down from her partner, pulling in to never risk exposing herself. For years this goes on. She is no longer vulnerable or open to her partner.

Ultimately, he experiences her distancing behaviour, feels her lack of warmth, comfort, also experiencing his own version of rejection/abandonment. Not ever revisiting this event in a heartfelt way, they co-exist in their marriage dancing between their defenses and lack of openness. She is nasty and nitpicky, using blame as a way to keep herself protected and distant and he does the same. They become the “Bickersons”, living a life of judging and blaming, undermining one another.

Love is Risky Business

To remove or lower the defenses of blame and withdrawal, one must be willing to feel ones’ own vulnerability, be open to sharing this vulnerability and take risks. Using vulnerable language versus blame/criticism invites a partner in…. “I feel sad when you don’t look at me”, I long for you to hold me after we make love so that I can feel connected”, “I get afraid when I don’t hear from you while you are on the business trip” Of course, there is a risk in being this open and vulnerable. What if my partner thinks I am too needy? What if he won’t come to me when I call? Will I hurt more than I do now? Love doesn’t come without intimacy and therefore the very thing we are avoiding: “intimate connection” leads to disconnection.

You cannot heal wounds that you can’t open

Everybody is afraid of intimacy. Intimacy means exposing yourself. Intimacy brings you close to another. Dropping all of your defenses makes intimacy possible. However, the fear is we drop all our defenses, who knows what the other it going to do with you. Thus we are hiding from others and ourselves. It feels safer to keep the defense because the other can take advantage of your weakness, your vulnerabilities. Intimacy is an essential need. Everybody longs for it and wants the other to be intimate versus taking the risk to become intimate first. However, to heal our wounds, they must be seen, felt and held. Exposing these long held hurts and vulnerabilities is the path to liberating oneself from the endless suffering and energy it takes to suppress our vulnerabilities. Being intimate is a scary and risky, yet a necessary part of having authentic human connection.

Be a Safe Harbour for Each Other This Holiday Season

Mon, 14 Dec 2015 05:00:00 GMT

With the season upon us, the experience can be alive with energy as well as overwhelming for many. There are those who love the Holiday season and those who don’t.

Depending on memories from our past – unresolved family feelings may arise and occur.

So, what can you do as a couple to maintain the integrity of your relationship when the “going gets tough”.

Remember who each other is: You are allies, not enemies.

Be mindful of not throwing each other “under the bus” when it comes to family dramas and dynamics. Your partner is important and is there to help. Remember you left home already and your partner is your family and home now.

Have understanding for your partner when they go into back into their Family of Origin.

For some, going home can bring forth an age regression. By being around your families, you experience yourself with the feelings and experience of being 5 years old instead of 45. Be compassionate when your partner goes through this process and don’t take it personally. Sometimes, we need to revisit these old places again and again to realize where we are. Be there as a support and remind them… “You are there for them”.

Have an Exit plan:

Have a prior plan and/or signal to when one or both of you is ready to leave. Have this organized prior to going to seeing family members on either side so that there is a mutually decided upon agreement when you are leaving.

Take time for yourselves to connect:

With the busy holiday season, we can often forget about each other and avoid making each other a priority. This leads to anger, resentment, and withdrawal from each other. Plan those downtimes to cuddle, connect and tell each other how much you mean to each other. Say it with words vs. presents (unless your partner’s love language is GIFTS)

Be that SAFE Harbour of emotional connection for one another.

Overwhelm and the stresses of feelings, emotions are bound to rise up to the surface. It is natural. Listen to him/her empathically…ask – How can I help? Say… I am here to help! That will often allow the high emotions to subside and cease.

And above all – Be Grateful!

Share your Gratitude with your LOVED ones. This opens the heart when we acknowledge what we have versus what we don’t have!

Imago Dialogue 101

Wed, 11 Mar 2015 04:00:00 GMT

Dialogue can help you to keep relationships fresh and dynamic, and to get beneath conflict to rediscover a deeper connection.

Grass is Greener on the Other Side….Or is it?

Tue, 27 Jan 2015 05:00:00 GMT

The grass is greener syndrome is the idea that there is always something better than what we have.

In relationship, we often compare ourselves to how others are doing, think we should be doing better than we are, or fantasize what it would be like with another partner. The grass is greener syndrome is the idea that there is always something better than what we have.

This constant barrage of commentary is a great exit to being fully in the “relationship game”. Rather than experiencing stability, security and satisfaction in the present environment, the feeling is “there is more and better elsewhere and anything less than ideal won’t do”. This leaves us one foot out the door.

What lies underneath this syndrome…..

When we pair up with an intimate partner, we become primary attachment figures for one another. This primary relationship is not the same as other relationships, ie our friends, co-workers and family. There are different governing principles for a primary relationship – ones that include a requirement for safety and security with one another. We need to feel like we have our partner’s back and they have ours. We need to be the “go-to” person for one another and make the well–being of our partner as important as our own. These two key points – creating a safe, secure base for each other is necessary to navigate through the associated challenges of a long term committed partnership. Being vulnerable and sensitive comes with the territory of being in a primary intimate relationship. We are never more vulnerable and sensitive than in this kind of relationship. Easily hurt, our vulnerabilities live close to the surface. It is these hurts and sensitivities that have us think – there is someone out there who will love me better and is more suitable. This kind of thinking is delusional….and moves us away from the present moment and the person we are with. For many the following fact is revealed, “wherever I go, there I am” – a spiritual truth written by John Kabat-Zinn, teacher and practitioner of mindfulness. Since, our mind is the story-maker; it doesn’t want us to see the truths of our emotional pain, what we have carried forth from past relationships or how we continue to contribute to the emotional pain of another. This ego defense is what blocks us from seeing the true relationship at its core. Without having an intention to create a safe, secure base, we won’t be able to own and dissolve this pain or experience a form of “real connected love”.

Life is relationships and having healthy relationships is an investment in seeing our “growth” that is trying to happen and giving enough time and space to feel and be felt by the other. So, the next time you think “grass is green on the other side” – remember that you are only fantasizing about something other than your current situation, avoiding the opportunity to gain more insight and understanding into yourself and the other.

The best way to deal with the “grass is greener syndrome” is to learn the underlying reasons beneath the abstract ideas of idealizations, perfectionism, and the inability to commit. The other piece is learning how to nurture and increase your connection to what’s current so your relationships maintain and strengthen rather than become unsatisfying. The idea is to build a place of stability and security for one another, rather than jumping around to compensate for a lack of internal stability. Being a safe connector for your intimate other, allows for a change in perspective, giving time to see the “fruits” of your attention and attunement.

Therefore, I think the cliché should be changed to this: The grass is only as green as we keep it!

Highlights from the Imago Relationship International Conference

Sat, 02 Aug 2014 04:00:00 GMT

ELIMINATING ALL NEGATIVITY

Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt (co-founders of Imago Relationship Therapy) recently highlighted the importance of the NON-NEGOTIABLE core decision of removing all negativity from relationships in order for connection to be maintained at the International conference in Portland, Oregon. They insist that to achieve emotional safety in relationship and not activate the reptilian brain (the oldest part of the brain), that all negativity including criticism be removed. Couples are encouraged to commit to this process of ZERO negativity which includes softening the tone of voice and face when speaking and avoiding the discussion of negative thoughts. Negativity develops the release of cortisol and if chronic, it can keep us in a state of cortisol highs which lowers our immune system. Harville stated that we are killing each other with negativity. Without negativity, we can feel safe in relationship, anxiety is reduced and the child within us can come out and play.

Doesn’t that sound like a better way to live in relationship?

Why do couples wait so long before they seek a marital therapist?

Thu, 03 Apr 2014 04:00:00 GMT

Ideally, couples would seek help before problems become overwhelming, however, many couples wait up to 6 years before seeking help.

Why the wait when it comes to marital problems...

Many couples feel embarrassed or shy about revealing their problems. Shame is the barrier for not sharing their problems. Feeling bad about themselves, and not being able to work through it on their own, they are in fear of having someone pointing it out to them. That sense of inadequacy heightens…especially for men. The wife may be threatening divorce or separation before his willingness sets in to join her in a therapy office. When he does, she is often very hurt, filled with resentment and is unwilling to open herself. He now tries to do everything to preserve their relationship. At this point, her ambivalence may be high and their hope has waned. This last ditch attempt has high stakes and high expectations for this couple adding to their challenges that already exist.

Other couples feel that they need to understand their problems before seeking help. One or both of them may have seen an individual therapist. This approach has some benefit. One person can change a relationship. However, it is often a slower process than two people working together as a team. By the time, couples get to a later stage; they have tried their own methods to connect and now have lost hope. With little communication skills in being able to hear and understand each other, they have developed a “hardness” or distance that seems almost impossible to break through.

The overall research indicates that couples wait these six years before seeking help in their relationship. Many couples frequently think that they should be able to fix their own problems and are reluctant to seek help. They are called the “do it yourselfers”. They may have purchased a marriage book – read some of the exercises and made some attempts. Having difficulty with learning and doing the processes, they get frustrated and tell themselves it won’t work. The book goes on the shelf and they fall back into their status quo. Their feelings of hopelessness and despair continue.

Denial plays a part in couples seeking the help of a therapist. They think for many years that they are doing fine – their relationship is “good enough”. The hints of disconnection may have appeared earlier, also some feelings of dissatisfaction but not enough to risk revealing theirs truths in a conversation. Many couples think – “why rock the boat, if it ain’t broke – don’t fix it”. These denial statements keep couples from feeling the anxiety and fear about opening up Pandora’s box. Many couples believe that if they begin to acknowledge their hurts, fears and resentments…they won’t be able to deal with them (even with the help of a therapist) and they would rather live with the “devil they know”, then the “devil they don’t know”. Avoiding these inclinations and painful feelings adds to the underlying discontentment and disillusionment without resolution.

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."

Ben Franklin

Waiting so long to seek the help of a marital level increases the difficulty in making the repairs, however, not impossible! With issues, having been “swept under the carpet”, it may take some time to reconnect.

Are there ways to avoid the crisis and maintain the connection?

What are the benefits to seeing a therapist, and getting some assistance early on?

Just as a healthy lifestyle includes preventative measures, so does a healthy relationship. By implementing safeguards and tools for a healthy connection, we can reap the rewards for a long happy marriage. Research repeatedly shows that marital education and relationship therapy can significantly increase your chance of staying happily married.

One primary motivation in therapy is to re-educate the couple that conflict and struggle are a necessary part of a healthy relationship as noted by John Gottman, The Marriage Institute. When couples are able to re-frame their struggles and conflict as “growth trying to happen”, there are more readily able to see their relationship is a milieu for expansion and growth.

For many, learning that any unfinished business with our parents/caregivers is showing up in the “adult love relationship” and attempting to be completed/healed in the present brings a feeling of compassion and relief. Couples learn that there is nothing wrong with their marriage and or the person that they have chosen.

Learning how to create a safe, reliable connection becomes the focus, a basic survival need whether we are from the cradle or close to the grave.

A marital therapist can provide feedback and the necessary tools to increase the closeness, respect and affection for one another. With new awareness and tools, the couple are better at understanding one another and maintaining their connection through the “unavoidable and inevitable” conflict that is supposed to happen.

Even though handling our own problems comes with the advantage of not having to share your problems in front of someone else; it is often difficult to see what is at the root of the issue. The assistance of a therapist can offer the objective, safe and neutral perspective to allow a breakthrough in the “blind spots”. A therapist can hold and create a safe place for the defenses to lower and the vulnerabilities to emerge, inviting more closeness and connection.

Regardless of the stage a marriage is in, every couple has the ability to restore their loving feelings and create an environment for safe connection. Even when things seem beyond help, there is hope. With the guidance of an effective therapist and the courage and willingness of the individuals, every couple has the potential to heal their relationship.

Why your man won’t see a relationship therapist

Fri, 21 Mar 2014 04:00:00 GMT

Why your man won’t see a relationship therapist or attend a Couples Weekend and how you can have him join you!

Even with close friends, men will keep sadness, disappointments and other internal conflicts to themselves. With their profound fear of appearing weak, most men are invested in preserving their manhood and protecting their vulnerability. They are hardwired and cultured to emphasize successful performance and de-emphasize reliance on others. From an evolutionary perspective, their purpose is to procure and protect, not tend and befriend.

Men experience shame more than women do. It originates from family or peer experiences. As a small boy, if he experienced shame, he will do anything to avoid re-experiencing it. A shamed boy becomes a hypersensitive man, always tuned to the possibility of humiliation. He may react to slights and become hyper-vigilant in warding them off. Instead of seeking affection, he will project blame and rejection. Small signs of withdrawal of affection will trigger old wounds causing him to react. Beneath, the surface, dark feelings of inadequacy, unlovability are lurking inside. You, his partner, are the closest to him and can easily re-ignite those old wounds.

When starting the conversation about couples’ counseling or attending a Couples Weekend, begin by talking about yourself. He will feel less attacked, less defensive and more apt to hear you. Tell him you’ve been contemplating therapy and/or the weekend because you want to take steps to be a better partner.

Invite him to go see someone on a ‘no obligation’ basis to test the waters. He might be surprised at how liberating and positive he feels. If the therapist is the right fit, it’s likely that he will feel reassured and some of his objections will fade.

Stay positive in your approach. If you can look at the anticipated outcome instead of focusing on the current negativity, the conversation will usually be smoother.

When it comes to asking him to join you in this process, avoid using ultimatums. It can raise doubt and hopelessness “if she is going to leave anyway, what’s the point?” Or he may react to the control you are exerting and rebel against you. Be clear that your intention is to create a mutually satisfying relationship.

Include your mate in the selection process. For example, do the research together on the web. This will help him to feel like he is part of the decision making process.

Finally, when all else fails, honour his resistance. Appeal to his love and ask him to trust your judgment that this endeavour that will improve your connection.

Harville Hendrix: The Marriage Whisperer

Tue, 04 Mar 2014 05:00:00 GMT

The bestselling author talks about why you fall in love with the person you do and how to improve your relationship if it turns negative.

Closing exits is necessary for connection.

Fri, 21 Feb 2014 05:00:00 GMT

WHAT ARE YOUR EXITS?

Although we all want love in our life, we are afraid to really let love in and be in love. As couples, we sometimes co-create a pattern in our lives where intimacy is virtually impossible. In order to maintain some distance and the status quo, we create exits.

What do I mean by exits and why do we create them?

Basically, exits are a way to act out our feelings rather than discussing them. For example, it is easier to stay late at work than to tell your partner that you feel unhappy when you walk in the door. This is understandable. Staying late is a simpler way to avoid the pain rather than talking about it.

There are many different types of exits that we create.

Some are terminal to the relationship – divorce, suicide, and murder. Others are catastrophic like affairs and addictions. These are misguided attempts in trying to find one’s aliveness and can cause more pain, shame and betrayal. Affairs are often the result of an existing rupture of connection. If the affair continues, the relationship will eventually dissolve. If openly discussed, there is hope for the relationship and the couple’s bond can become stronger.

More elusive are functional exits that are hidden in normal behaviours. None of these are harmful per se, unless we are using them to avoid closeness in our relationship. Some of these exits are work, hobbies, family, eating, the children, TV, gym, shopping, friends, reading, cleaning, and the computer to name a few.

An “Invisible divorce” takes place when these kinds of exits are active. All the energy for the relationship is diluted to other objects of desire or activities. These exits need to be talked about and gradually closed to restore the fullness of connection.

Sometimes it is hard to see the ways in which we exit, especially, if we are the one that tends to pursue and seek connection. You may say to yourself, “I am the one that always wants to connect. I don’t exit our relationship”. If you are unsure how you exit your relationship, just ask your partner. He or she will experience your EXIT and may have already been telling you. Therefore, become curious and check in with yourself. What am I doing? Am I doing this to avoid intimacy and connection with my partner? If so, what is the reason?

Becoming conscious and verbalizing these feelings rather than acting them out is a great way to create emotional safety, transform your relationship and re-ignite your passion for each other!

Purpose of Relationships

Sun, 02 Feb 2014 05:00:00 GMT

ALIGN WITH THE PURPOSE AND YOU’LL CREATE A LOVING CONNECTION!

There is a hidden agenda to relationships. Consciously we may choose our partner because they are attractive, have a solid career and a nice family. However, unconsciously we have selected a partner that resembles our caregivers and has all the potential to help us work through our unresolved issues. When the old feelings of pain, frustration and anger arise as conflict in our adult relationships, we may think that that there is something wrong. What is often misunderstood and underestimated in most couplehoods is that the hypersensitivities and vulnerabilities we experience, often originate from wounding relationships with significant people in our past.

The counter-productive methods of clinging, stonewalling, withdrawing, defending, nagging, hiding, criticizing and blaming are strategies that we employ to protest the feeling of disconnection. The result, however, is even more disconnection.

There is hope.

With the aid of our partner, the one who has re-triggered those original wounds, we can become aware of the incredible opportunity for our mutual healing and growth. Sharing our personal needs, wishes, desires and fears in a calm respectful conversation, will ignite a feeling of safety. Becoming emotionally present to one another can often allow those old vulnerabilities and sensitivities to be healed. Therefore, having more awareness of our unconscious material (the past memories that are being activated today) can help us live more fully in the present moment. Therein lies the REAL joy of reclaiming our true nature and a loving connection with ourself and our partner.

How Your Childhood Affects Your Adult Relationships

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 04:00:00 GMT

For Oprah, Harville Hendrix was the best teacher of validation. Harville developed the Imago Theory, which is that you end up imaging in your adult relationship what you most need to heal from, whether physical or emotional wounds, received in childhood at the hands of your parents or caregivers. In 2006, Harville facilitated an Imago therapy session for Louie, who was abused as a child and was verbally, emotionally and physically abusing his wife.

theloveofattraction

Growth in Relationships Has No Arrival: An RLT perspective for couples

Why There is No “Done”

The RLT View of Maturity

What This Means in Daily Life

Maturity in RLT: Presence Over Perfection

Practical Steps for Ongoing Growth

Closing Thought

Rules of Engagement: How Communication in Relationships Is Like Driving a Car

Know the Road Conditions

Know Your Destination

Stay Present Behind the Wheel

Use Clear Signals

Respect Each Other’s Space

Stay in Your Lane

Slow Down the Conversation

Check Your Blind Spots

Know When to Pull Over

The Art of the Pair: How Going for Olympic Gold in Ice Skating Reflects the Dance of Love

Valentine’s Day through a Therapist’s Eyes: Beyond Roses and Reservations

The Meaning Beneath the Moment

The Pressure Trap

A Different Kind of Valentine’s Intention

Love as a Daily Practice

When Words Wound: Healing the Silent Sabotages in Your Everyday Talks

The Three Silent Conversation Killers

Three Heart-Centered Shifts to Speak (and Hear) Love

A Whisper of Hope for Your Next Conversation

The Hidden Dance of "You're Always Right" vs "You Never Listen, Breaking the Core Conflict Loop

Why This Loop Feels So Familiar (And So Painful)

Three Compassionate Ways to Rewrite Your Dance

A Soft Landing for Your Shared Heart

Taking It Easy in Your Relationship Over the Holiday Season

Slow Down Before You Burn Out

Make Space for Different Needs

Let Go of Perfect

Protect Time for Just the Two of You (if you are a couple)

Take Time for You and Reflect!

A Season of Gentleness

When Money Talks Louder Than Love: Turning Financial Friction into Shared Security

The Three Money Scripts That Quietly Divide

Three Tender Practices to Make Money a Bridge, Not a Wall

A Quiet Promise for Your Shared Future

Stop Trying to Fix Your Relationship, Try Growing Together Instead.

What Does “Fixing” Look Like?

What Does “Growing” Mean?

Why Growth Matters in Therapy

How Couples Can Practice Growth

When Helping Becomes a Form of Control

The Psychology Behind “Helpful Control”

Emotional Undercurrents

Helping as Control in Romantic Relationships

Fostering Authentic Support

Shifting Toward True Support

Why Get Help?

Benefits of Addressing Controlling Behaviours:

Steps to Seek Support

How this works:

Their Outcome

The Impact of Screen Time on Couples

The emotional costs of constant connectivity

Practical Strategies for Finding Balance with Technology Use

​The Gift of Presence

The Best Version of Yourself

Begin to bring forth the higher version of yourself.

Your Wise Adult versus Your Adaptive/Wounded Child

Facts Versus Feelings in Relationships: Finding Balance Between Heart and Reality

The Role of Facts in Relationships

The Role of Feelings in Relationships

The Danger of Imbalance

How to Balance Facts and Feelings: Practical Steps

Why This Works

Takeaway:

Here is a Step-by-Step Approach to Balancing Facts and Feelings in Conflict

Sample Conversation Using this script above:

Healing After a Betrayal

1. Crisis:

2. Insight and Digestion:

3. Transformation and Establishing a More Robust Relationship:

Begin to Forgive

The Gift of Presence